Chapter 31

When I finally gathered myself, I cracked open the door to the soundproof room and peeked into the Band classroom. It was empty. It hadn’t dawned on me that there would not be a class after mine, but I was relieved. In my condition, the last thing I wanted was to walk through a classroom filled with students. And especially Mr. Roman. I walked to my chair to retrieve my belongings. Someone had placed my open clarinet case on the seat. About to close the case, I noticed a folded sheet of paper wedged under my clarinet with half of it sticking up. I picked it up, unfolded it, and read it. It was from Mr. Roman. He wanted to see me after school.

The rest of the school day was agonizing. At least my mind was no longer on Butch, but it was in turmoil nonetheless. Maybe even more so. I had made a fool of myself. I had kissed Mr. Roman. But he had kissed me back, hadn’t he? That is until he had suddenly stopped and had gotten mad at me for kissing him. And now he wanted to see me after school.

Was I in trouble? Probably. But he had kissed me back. If it was wrong for me to kiss him, it was wrong for him to kiss me. And he fondled my body and even the top of my butt. Not that I would tell anyone, but who would believe me anyway? He was a teacher and I was just a kid. Why hadn’t he been waiting for me when I came out of the soundproof room? At the time I had been glad, not wanting to face him, too embarrassed to face him, but now the school day was over. I had to go see him.

I entered an empty Band classroom. Even Mr. Roman was nowhere to be seen. I thought I had made a mistake and reread the note. It was clear. Mr. Roman wanted to see me after school. Since I would be going home after the meeting, I had my bookbag in one hand and my clarinet case in the other. I placed them on the chair next to mine and sat down in my usual seat.

I clasped my sweaty hands together in my lap and squeezed them as I waited. And waited. Where the hell was he? I was now gripping the sides of my skirt, wringing the material like someone squeezing water from a sponge. Had Mr. Roman forgotten? Should I leave? I couldn’t wait there all day. I had told Debbie to tell my mother that I had to stay after school because a teacher wanted to see me, but how late could I be before she worried? And then I’d be in trouble with my mother, too.

I heard the click.

The door to the soundproof room opened. I twisted around in my chair to see Mr. Roman stroll into the classroom. He noticed me, stopped, and glanced at his watch.

“Oh, I’m sorry for being late,” Mr. Roman said. “I was straightening up in there and I guess I lost track of the time.”

“It’s okay,” I said. What else could I say?

Mr. Roman walked up to me and sat in the chair next to mine. He studied me before saying, “I want to talk to you about what happened in class today.”

I pinched my skirt tighter. How could I explain why I had kissed him? I didn’t even know myself.

“I want you to tell me who hit you,” Mr. Roman said.

I had been holding my breath. I let it out in a loud whoosh, but didn’t say anything. I hadn’t expected that.

“Does he go to school here?” Mr. Roman asked.

My eyes watered. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Mr. Roman took my hand. His touch turned the faucet on, sending tears down my cheeks. He cared about me. I wasn’t alone. At that moment, everything that had been boiled up inside me burst forth. Between heaving sobs and gasps for the rare breath, everything that I’d been holding in spewed out like gushing water from a hole in a dam when the plug was removed. I told him about Butch and the party and that he had gotten me drunk and what they had done to me.