Chapter 7: Revelations

Lennie spoke up. “I’m done with you clowns. Stay here in the living room while Lara and I fix dinner for us all. We already cleared it with Dee and Tim. And while we are busy in there, don’t get any of your bodily secretions on our fancy leather sofas.”

Dan: “That’s great, what are we having?”

“You, perverted boy, are having gruel. We ladies are having spiced grilled beef, seasoned Brazil style. Along with that we have some fresh vegetables, and some dinner rolls I have already set aside to rise. They just need to bake for 15 minutes. Just behave yourself until then. And don’t forget to wash your faces and hands, so we don’t have your drool and slobbering at our dining table.”

Dan looked properly penitent, so Lennie took Lara into the kitchen.

“I wasn’t expecting the post-date recap to be so wild, Dan.”

“Well, I have to admit, you have been a target of my fantasies for years now. I’ve always been jealous that Lara sees gorgeous naked E twice a day, every day.”

“And I envy Drew, for the same reason. I think we should tell our parents to reassign bedrooms by age instead of by gender.”

“Ooh. You are full of good ideas. Want to know something else?”

“Sure.”

“Now, let me be clear. This is not a proposal, or a prediction, or anything specific. It’s just information. There are more than twenty US states where first cousins can legally marry. California is one of them.”

“No shit?”

“Yep. Sadly, I think marriage between siblings is impossible everywhere in the US. There might be a couple of states where adult siblings can legally live and sleep together, like Dee and Tim do, but there is a law against it in California, I understand.”

“Dan, I’ve had a wonderful time with you today, but I didn’t plan on my first date ending with a discussion of incest laws. Can we please go back to the part where you’re dangling naked in front of your brother?”

“Um. Not always dangling.”

“Wait. What?”

“I know in the morning you are impatiently waiting for the three of us to exit the bathroom. Because, like all people, your pee collects during the night, and you feel the pressure.”

“OK, this sounds like another weird sidetrack.”

“Hear me out, it will make sense in a minute. You know the penis is a dual-purpose dispensing device: semen and urine. It would be unpleasant, and a biological flaw, to have these fluids mix. So we men have a valve inside to shunt the flow one way or the other. An erection closes the valve, cutting off the urine. So, to prevent bed-wetting, we often wake up erect, so there’s no dribbling urine until we can get to the toilet.”

“This nearly universal phenomenon is called ‘morning wood.’ I think you can understand why.”

“You’re telling me, Dan, on a typical morning, you and Drew are stiff? In sight of each other?”

“Yes, we are.”

“Alright, that’s TWO things I didn’t expect to hear on my first date. Wow. Dan, you’ll have to excuse me. I need about ten minutes in the bathroom, right now.”

“E, it’s OK, I understand. But you can hold off. When you’re alone, turn off your safe search filter and search for ‘sword fight.’” You’ll see what you’re imagining now, and a lot more. But, in the meantime, I’m glad that a few words from me can have this kind of effect on you.”

“Oh, Dan. I want some pretext to barge in on you two tomorrow morning. That image would keep me going for months.”

“We need to talk about something else, some other subject. You’re so red right now, Lennie’s going to accuse us of lubricating her leather sofa.”

“Let’s see. The Electoral College, yes or no? Why do they call it a college, when it’s so incredibly stupid? Excess nitrogen runoff from artificial fertilizers, a real problem or scare mongering? Does anybody our age use Facebook? Angels or Dodgers? Chargers or Rams? Lakers or Clippers? Should you trim your nose hairs? Do we really need two Dakotas?”

“How are you doing, E?”

“Oh, I’m better now. You have a wonderful exterior, Dan, but there’s a beautiful mind in that head of yours. You excel at spewing rubbish, but I could listen to your voice all day.”

“Judging by the smells, it must be time to eat. Let’s go wash up. I want to wash your hands, then you can wash mine. I learned a lot of things today, including that any time I can hold your hand makes me absurdly happy inside. Come with me to the bathroom, Dan.”

I arrived at the table smiling. Penitent Dan was allowed to join us at the big person’s table, and excused from the gruel course.

Then the meal destroyed me. Lennie was an expert chef. At age 15! After the main course had been inhaled and the dishes cleared away, then Lennie returned with a butane torch and ceramic dishes of custard. After searing the tops with the torch, each of us had a perfect crème brûlée to savor.