Chapter 68: Believe

-- SUNDAY, AUGUST 9, 2009 --

“She’s not here. From the looks of things, she never was.”

Standing in the master bathroom of The Love Nest, I sighed while dragging my fingertip across the semi-cluttered countertop of the sink. Adrienne’s makeup bottles, brushes, and other accoutrements were always in disarray to begin with and offered no clues regarding her presence one way or the other. But there wasn’t a drop of water in or around the sink itself, a clear sign that it hadn’t been recently used. And if a makeup-free Adrienne had indeed come straight to The Love Nest after driving away from me this morning, she would’ve certainly stopped to put some makeup on.

Additionally, I couldn’t find her pajamas. If a pajama-clad Adrienne had come straight to The Love Nest, she would’ve certainly stopped to change into something suitable to wear outside and either dumped the pajamas onto the floor, the bed, or heaven-forbid: the clothes hamper. But her pajamas weren’t here.

Exhaling slowly, I turned and walked out of the bathroom, holding the microphone part of my earbuds in my right hand with my phone in my pocket, as I so often did when leaving work. “I was positive she’d come here first. This is the only other place she keeps any of her clothes.”

“It was a good guess,” Sasha told me from the other end of the line. “The most logical place for her to go to. We saw her cross the Bay Bridge before she turned off her iPhone tracker. Maybe you beat her there.”

I pursed my lips and sighed. “I didn’t make up that much time on the motorcycle. Sunday morning traffic was light. She still would’ve gotten here before me. Further, if she thought ahead far enough to turn off her tracker, it means she actively doesn’t want to be found. I shouldn’t have wasted my time coming here. Too obvious. She must’ve gone somewhere else.”

“But where else?” Sasha wondered. “Where else could she go without makeup and wearing sheer pajamas and not end up plastered all over Facebook?”

“Our parents’ house?”

“Pssht,” Sasha scoffed. “I like your parents, and maybe if they weren’t also your parents Adrienne would’ve gone straight to them. But do you honestly think she’d want to tell your Mom and Dad that the upcoming wedding they’re so excited about is in jeopardy?”

“Maybe she’s still in the car? Maybe she drove straight to Berkeley Marina and parked by the seawall to stare out across the bay. Maybe she’s going in circles and is on her way home right now.”

“Maybe that’s what you would do, Mr. Go-for-a-walk-having-a-conversation-with-the-voice-in-your-head. Adrienne’s a social creature, which means friends.”

“Someone whose door she can show up at wearing pajamas and no makeup. Maybe Iris?” I ventured. “Good as time as any to go talk to a licensed, professional therapist.”

“Maybe she knew you’d follow her tracker, got all the way to San Francisco before turning it off, and then doubled-back to Berkeley.”

“That’s crazy, but still, can you check the Tri-Delt house for me? Call up Nora?” I asked. “The Schenkes are at The Birdhouse.”

“I’ll check. But I was thinking she’d go to Uli’s,” Sasha suggested.

“Ugh,” I groaned. “At least I know Iris likes me. But you’re right. If Adrienne’s mad, visiting her man-hating dyke trainer who thinks that anyone with a Y-chromosome is the root of all evil would make perfect sense. Can you give me her address?”

“Sure thing.”

I was already heading back for the elevator.

“She eez not here,” Uli stated coldly as soon as she opened the door, her thick German accent making her tone even more balefully harsh. With her arms folded across her chest, she stood in the narrow gap so that I’d have no room to try and push past her.

I blinked and then grinned a knowing grin, which would probably infuriate Uli even more. But I didn’t care. “Hello to you too,” I replied, still smirking. “I didn’t mention Adrienne, but thank you for confirming you’ve talked to her this morning.”

Uli’s eyes narrowed, and she looked up and to the left before grimacing in a silent curse. After taking a deep breath, she stepped back into her living room and opened the door the rest of the way. Uli lived in a loft apartment above her private gym in The Castro neighborhood, a fifteen-minute ride on the motorcycle from The Love Nest.

“I mean it though: she is not here,” Uli insisted.

I took two steps inside and took a glance around the room to verify it was empty while Uli closed the door behind me. “But she WAS here?”

“She arrived maybe twenty minutes ago. Dressed in pajamas and says she need borrow some clothes. Would not say much beyond that and then left right away.”

“And you just let her leave?” I rubbed my forehead and sighed. “I wish you’d kept her here. Can you tell me where she went?”

“Tell you where she went?” Uli snorted. “What give you idea I take your side, not hers?”

“No, not sides. Just ... I dunno. I’d think that if a friend showed up in her PJs asking for a change of clothes, you’d make her stop and explain to you why she showed up in her PJs asking for a change of clothes. Might’ve given me enough time to catch up to her.”

“Hmm, you right.” Uli turned back to the door, quite loudly flipped the deadbolt, and then also fastened the chain lock. “She’s my friend, so I now do what I can keep you here as long as possible.”

“Uli...” I groaned as Adrienne’s personal trainer got into a semi-combat stance. She wore nothing but a camouflage-green sports bra and black yoga pants, her biceps rippling. I shook my head and muttered, “I’m not gonna try fighting you to get out the door.”

She dropped her hands and stood up straight. “Then perhaps you will explain what fucked-up thing you do? Make her come here on Sunday morning? I assume you’re to blame. I always told that girl she better off with other girls.”

“Other girls like you?”

Uli waved me off. “I not settle-down type. I like my independence. Sasha, on the other hand...”

“Isn’t the settling-down type, either,” I interrupted. “Likes her independence too.”

“Whatever.”

“Adrienne and I are getting married. Period. She’s upset right now because she’s scared. I’m chasing her right now because I’m trying to reassure her that she doesn’t need to be scared. Please, Uli. Can you tell me where she went?”

“How do you even know try and find her here?”

“Sasha’s lucky guess.”

“I always knew I like that girl.”

“Do you or don’t you know where she went?”

Uli shook her head and then raised her chin. “I don’t know. I don’t ask. She don’t tell.”

I sighed and started for the door, but Uli cut me off and stuck both hands out to my chest.

“Whoa-whoa. I’m serious,” she growled roughly. “You NOT leaving.”

“You can’t hold me prisoner here.”

“Tell me why she upset and I might let you go. You cheat on her?”

“What? No.”

“Come to think of it, I no idea what ‘cheating’ on Adrienne would be. She much lets you fuck anything with pair of tits, no?”

“In all fairness, I let her fuck anything with a pair of tits.”

“Good point.” Uli’s eyes narrowed. “But don’t think you somehow convince me to help you by giving ME most amazing orgasms of my life or anything.”

I blinked in surprise. “I never--”

“Did you try take back your engagement?”

“No,” I replied, ignoring the flash of disappointment in her eyes.

“Did you ask her quit her career?”

“No!”

“Did you--”

“Dawn’s pregnant, alright?” I cut her off. “That’s it. Wasn’t on purpose. I woke up this morning, Dawn showed me the pregnancy wand, we showed it to the girls, and Adrienne took off. That’s it.”

Uli dropped her hands and stood up, frowning at me. “Oh, scheisse.”

“Please ... I don’t have time to screw around anymore. Please tell me where she went.”

“I told you: I don’t know. She don’t tell me.”

“Doesn’t change a thing. Adrienne’s still gonna be my wife. All I want to do is bring her home so we can work things out together. As a family. I wanna get back to Dawn and spend this day with her. Maybe you wouldn’t understand the kind of urge a ‘breeder’ like me would have to do that, but I hope there’s enough compassion in you as a woman to understand how important it is for me to be with my partners ... Dawn AND Adrienne ... at a time like this. I hope there’s a part of you that wants to see Adrienne happy. I’m out here chasing her all over town because I LOVE her, and I’ll do ANYTHING I have to in order to prove it. Please, Uli. Where did she go?”

“I don’t know.”

“Please.”

“I can’t give you information I don’t have. She don’t tell me where she going. But...” Uli’s voice trailed off as she pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at me again. But her expression was less frosty than before, and I could see the gears turning in her mind.

“Please, did she say anything to you at all?” I asked. “Anything that might give me a clue?”

Uli sighed, her expression softening.

“She did, didn’t she?” I pressed. “Please, Uli. What did she say?”

“I ask if she want talk about what going on,” Uli admitted. “She just shake her head and stare at wall for a minute. Like whole plan only come here to ask for clothes and she has no idea what to do next. I finally ask if she want a cup of tea, but she only thank me for clothes and rush out door.”

My heart sank. “That’s it? Nothing? Not a single clue?”

Uli pursed her lips again before finally stepping aside and gesturing me towards the door. “She said she need talk to someone. That’s it.”

“Needed to talk to who?”

Uli shook her head. “She don’t say. She only say, ‘I need talk to someone.’ And then she left.”

I felt the answer in my heart. “Iris.”

“She’s not here,” Iris told me apologetically as soon as she opened the door, leaning against the frame with one forearm.

God help me, my first thought was that she looked incredibly sexy, with platinum-blonde hair pinned up in a messy bun with a single large claw clip, her chunky black-frame glasses over Disney-Princess-large green ... uh ... irises, and a comfy short-sleeved cotton pajama set that didn’t appear to have a bra beneath.

My eyes yo-yoed down to her breasts. Were her nipples hardening beneath the thin cotton fabric?

Iris immediately blushed and covered her chest with one arm, turning around to walk through her living room towards the bedroom, and I stared at her ass the whole way, no evidence of panty lines beneath the thin cotton fabric of her pajama pants. Did she even wear a thong?

But I blinked and stepped into Iris’s living room and closed the door behind me while looking around. She lived in a top-floor apartment in upscale Nob Hill, with modern glass and black metal furniture and a minimalist white and gray color palette with touches of deep red. Iris returned only a moment later wearing a comfortable navy-blue sweater with the University of Michigan logo on it.

“Do you know where she went?” I asked as soon as she reappeared.

Iris shook her head in the negative.

“By how long did I miss her?”

She shrugged. “A few minutes. Perhaps five.”

“Fuck. I should’ve gone with my first instinct and come here instead of Uli’s.” I blinked and turned to stare out the window. Maybe I was close enough to still catch her. Maybe if I hopped on the motorcycle and started ... started...

Started what? Just pick a direction and start aimlessly riding around with not a clue where she might be headed? You got this far by asking questions. Stick around a minute and see what Iris can tell you. She’ll at least be more forthcoming than Uli was.

“She asked me not to tell you anything if you called me or showed up here,” Iris stated apologetically.

Shit.

“I thought Adrienne wasn’t your client anymore,” I muttered. “Otherwise I’m pretty sure there are rules about letting your clients eat you to orgasms in a nightclub VIP booth.”

Iris blushed bright pink right up to her ears as she took a seat on the armchair. But after collecting herself, she explained calmly, “Adrienne is not my client. She came here, to my apartment, to talk to a friend.”

My eyes narrowed as I stared at her.

So if you stopped visiting her for sessions and became ‘not a client’ and ‘just a friend’, then the next time you wind up dancing at the club together, you’ll be allowed to grab her tits, drag her to the VIP booth, and fuck her until she sees stars, right?

Dude, could you keep it in your pants for five minutes?!?

You say that as if I have pants.

I say that as if you had a penis.

Touché.

Taking a deep breath, I stated evenly, “If she came to you as a friend who needed to talk to a friend, then that’s not really a doctor/client privilege thing now, is it? And then you could tell me?”

“My friend came to me this morning, in confidence, asking for my advice, and specifically asked me NOT to tell you.” Iris smirked. “Solidarity amongst sisters.”

Shit.

Take a deep breath, dude. She covered her ass by stating she can’t tell you anything about what she and Adrienne discussed, but she’s NOT kicking you out of her house. She only said she can’t tell you about what she and Adrienne discussed. But you’re allowed to have your OWN session with her.

That’s ... a really good idea.

“Okay, okay. You can’t tell me anything, but I can’t leave here until I have some idea of where I need to go next. So unless you’re gonna kick me out of your house, I’m gonna speculate out loud and say whatever I feel needs to be said and you can decide for yourself what you can and cannot tell me about what you and Adrienne talked about.” I shrugged. “This isn’t your office. I’m not paying you for a session. I can be a friend just visiting another friend because I need to talk too, right?”

Iris’s eyebrows went up, and she gave me a curious smile. “I’m listening.”

I took a deep breath. I exhaled slowly and then moved to sit down on the sofa in front of Iris. And I began by saying, “Adrienne’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman: passionate, intelligent, confident, and sexy as hell. She’s a busty blonde bombshell with the most amazing tits in the world, an ass to die for, and the face of a goddess. But she’s so much more than an incredible body, too. She’s smart and savvy enough to launch her own Tigress brand. She’s strong enough to support not only my emotional needs, but the emotional needs of everyone else around her. She’s the Queen Bee for a reason, with charisma oozing out her ears, and everyone looks up to her for leadership. She’s out of my league and deserves better than me, really, and I consider myself a lucky, lucky man that she’s willing to live the Toyota minivan life with me.”

“You said all this to me before you got engaged,” Iris replied, nodding. Then she raised her eyebrow before asking, “But doesn’t what happened this morning call that confidence you spoke of into question?”

“She has a fragility inside her too,” I admitted, “as would anyone who chooses to put their trust into someone else. It’s the ones we trust the most who can cut us the deepest. And right now, she feels like -I- betrayed her.”

“Betrayed her how? By getting Dawn pregnant?”

I shook my head and then sighed. “I told her she was having a temper tantrum instead of being supportive of Dawn.”

Iris grimaced. “Ah.”

“I know it must’ve felt like I was backing Dawn instead of backing her – backing my fiancée. That’s why she feels betrayed,” I continued. “And it’s that feeling of betrayal that’s causing her to react this way. Adrienne’s always had trouble trusting men in general, having been betrayed by her own big brother back when she was just a child. Her father should’ve protected her, or at the very least supported her, but instead he left her to her own devices to figure out how to grow up on her own. She found a sense of power in controlling the boys and men around her. Experience taught her that she needed to keep them under her thumb at all times because men couldn’t be trusted. If given a chance, men would hurt her. Every man she was ever with DID hurt her, including me.”

“Are you saying Adrienne never hurt you?” Iris queried.

“Of course she did. That’s part of her defense mechanism. But she hurt me because she was afraid, not because she was cruel. And that’s why I stuck things out, why I didn’t give up.” I shrugged. “My family deserves a lot of credit for convincing her to stay, really. But a part of her wanted to trust me again, and in the end she gave me a second chance. And a third chance. And a fourth chance.”

“And you never felt like you had to work for those chances?” Iris probed.

“To be honest? Not really. She’s always come back to me with little effort on my part.”

“And why is that?”

“Why has she always come back to me? Or why so little effort on my part?”

“Perhaps both.”

I took a deep breath and thought about that. “I think the answer to the first explains the second. Adrienne came to me in high school. Growing up a few houses down from her, watching her blossom while I was the short kid that the puberty fairy skipped. Did you know she was six inches taller than me when I turned fifteen? I wasn’t in her league and never considered pursuing her. But then one day, I found myself with the most desirable girl in our class - if not the whole school – wrapped around my arm. Out of nowhere she decided she wanted me, and before I knew what was happening, I’d broken the hearts of two very sweet girls and was Adrienne Fucking Dennis’s boyfriend.”

I shook my head, still a little in disbelief.

“After I managed to fuck that up and gave her every reason to lump me onto the pile of male disappointments in her life, she somehow forgave me and found her way back into my life. That’s been our pattern, really. It didn’t matter whether we were in a relationship, engaged, ‘nottogether’, exes, or living thousands of miles apart. If I wasn’t her boyfriend or fiancé, I would be her Rock and adoptive brother - Adrienne made sure of that. All I ever had to do was show up and love her.”

“So you never had to pursue her?”

“Adrienne has always made clear that I’m extremely important to her. She lost faith in us only once in all these years, and it shook me to my core that I might have really lost her. She broke my heart. Still stings to this day. But even then she returned to me, and we forged something more durable than before. I want to believe that deep down, she knows we belong together. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. That’s what gives me hope that we can still work this out. Despite all the ups and downs of our relationship, we grew up together and we’ll grow old together.”

“You say it shook you to the core when she lost faith in you. Why?”

“That was one breakup I never saw coming even though I should have. It was inevitable really,” I admitted. “The girls aren’t wrong when they say I’m far less fearful of them forming bonds with other girls than I am of them hooking up with other guys. Maybe it’s biological. Maybe it’s psychological. Whatever the reason, I never saw the signs. The thing is: Adrienne’s relationship with Grace was never about falling in love with another woman. Had she left me to be with some other guy, it wouldn’t have mattered. I honestly don’t think our breakup at the end of freshman year had anything to do with Grace or anyone else. You see, when I said that all I ever had to do was show up and love her, there was another side to that. At the time, Adrienne needed to love me on her terms. When Adrienne realized I wanted her to become the wife and mother of my dreams, and she freaked the fuck out. She broke up with me. She abandoned me for a little bit, really, and from then on... -I- couldn’t really trust her.”

Iris pursed her lips and frowned. “Do you trust her now? Even though she dropped your engagement ring into the mud and drove off in a huff?”

“I do. I do trust her.”

“What changed? When did she earn back your trust?”

“I can’t really say exactly when.” I stopped to think about it. “I certainly didn’t trust her after Bora Bora.”

“When she proposed to you.”

“When she proposed to me under her terms. A marriage filtered through Sasha - keeping me at arm’s length. I know it was really Sasha’s scheme, but it felt very much like some ploy an eighteen-year-old Adrienne would concoct in order to stay in control. And I freaked the fuck out.”

“Do you feel differently now?”

“I do.” I nodded, took a deep breath, and then fixed Iris with serious look. “I do trust her now.”

“I believe you. But even if you can’t pinpoint a ‘when’, how did she earn back your trust? How were you able to let go of your distrust?”

“Not through any grand acts. Well, actually, when she went down to Sunnyvale to drag Dawn back to be with me was pretty awesome, but that only justified the trust I already had in her.” I took a deep breath and thought about it. “I think a turning point for us – for me - was my overreaction to her surprise guests waiting in our hotel suite during the trip to New York a few months ago, and talking things out so that ‘trust me, Tiger’ filled me with anticipation instead of angst. After that, it was the little things. The way she chose to always be there for me. The way she became my Rock. I guess it’s a little like love: when you know, you know. You asked me if I trust her now, and the answer is: Yes, I know I trust her.”

“And you fell in love with her again.”

I nodded. “I did.”

Iris arched an eyebrow. “You fell in love with her again once before. After college, when she permanently returned to the Bay Area. But did that relationship last?”

“Falling in love again with Adrienne was ... unexpected. I didn’t plan on it. Sasha was my girlfriend when Adrienne returned. Sasha was my ‘primary’ and I honestly thought I was going to end up with her. But as willing as Sasha was to at least consider the idea of becoming my long-term love, it never grew beyond that: a consideration. Sasha’s love and devotion to me plateaued. Adrienne ... as is her nature ... took the lead of our three-way relationship. And for a time I honestly thought we would last.”

“But it didn’t last. Is the situation really so different now?”

“It’s completely different,” I insisted. “We understand each other better now. Back then, my love and devotion to Adrienne plateaued much as Sasha’s plateaued for me. Adrienne told me she was opening her mind to the possibility of being a wife and mother, but I never really believed her. I knew she was still scared. I knew she still carried the scars of her childhood. I knew the same fears that drove her to break up with me in college were still with her...” I swallowed thickly and bowed my head, adding glumly, “ ... and I didn’t do a fucking thing to help her overcome those fears.”

“Did she ask you for help in overcoming them?” Iris sat up and leaned forward, planting her elbows on her knees. I felt a sense of relief that she was wearing that Michigan sweater, bulky and with a high collar so that I wouldn’t get distracted.

“No,” I admitted. “But it wouldn’t have mattered. -I- still didn’t trust Adrienne. I’d locked myself into the belief that ‘Adrienne keeps her independence’ was a core part of her personality. I still carried the pain of our breakup, still heard her voice telling me she wasn’t the maternal type who would ever be the wife and mother I wanted her to be. I expected us to eventually break up. Even after we accidentally got engaged, I expected us to eventually drift apart. I saw the signs of her growing relationship with Sasha, and I was happy for her. I expected her to one day wake up and tell me she was in love with Sasha and wanted to marry her instead of me. It was a foregone conclusion. A done deal. She was a lesbian by nature, right? Wasn’t her fault that she didn’t love me enough to be capable of change. I didn’t blame her for it. I simply told myself that it was who she really was.”

“Are you so certain you didn’t blame her?” Iris asked, raising an eyebrow.

I mulled that over. “I ... I suppose that was my defense mechanism: I chose to believe her declarations of being a lesbian by nature to keep her at a safe distance - so that she couldn’t break my heart again. So yeah ... I guess on some level I did blame her. At the very least, I let her blame herself for our broken engagement.”

Iris didn’t reply aloud, although her expression to me rather clearly said, Yeah, ya think?

I grimaced. “I’m sure she’s told you all the ways in which she fucked things up. I’m sure she told you she neglected me and took for granted that I’d always be there for her - because ... well ... I’d promised I’d always be there for her. I’m sure she blamed herself for not pushing harder to get me to continue joining her on her modeling trips - and conveniently omitted the part about her asking me over and over to join her while I flatly told her, ‘No, I’m tired of mowing down pretty little things on your trips and I’d really just like to stay home, please.’ Like she’s to blame somehow for acquiescing to my stated requests to stay home. What, was she supposed to NOT go on those modeling trips and give up on her career when I’d promised I’d wait for her?”

Iris pursed her lips, but I was on a roll and kept rolling on.

“Oh, and the biggest one: I’m sure she blames herself for moving out into a hotel with Sasha rather than staying in the apartment trying to work things out with me. There was nothing to work out. I’d gone cold inside. Lifeless. Heartless. Even Rania sensed that out in New York. There was nobody home for Adrienne to remain with and fight FOR. I’d locked her out of my heart. Told her she was unworthy. To continue living with me would only have reminded her of her unworthiness in my eyes. -I- broke Adrienne’s heart, and I managed to do it in a way that completely manipulated the facts to make HER blame HERSELF.” I scowled and shook my head. “I WANTED the end of our engagement. I’M the bad guy. I had no faith in her ability to change. I’d already convinced myself - without giving her a chance to prove herself - that she’d never become the wife and mother of my dreams. I didn’t trust her. I broke her trust in me. I traumatized her.” I swallowed thickly, feeling acid in my throat at the reminder of how much I’d hurt Adrienne.

But Iris frowned, seeming pensive. After a moment’s thought, she leaned forward and gave me a kind look as she asked softly, “Was Adrienne the only one traumatized by what happened?”

I fought the urge to cry. I took a deep breath, averted my eyes, and sighed. “I felt pretty fucked up afterwards too. I realized what I’d lost after it was gone. I spent months unable to move forward with my life or consider a romantic relationship with anyone else while holding onto a shred of hope that Adrienne would forgive me and take me back. I did my best to earn her trust back again. In a sense, the fucked-up way our whole Bora Bora trip went down turned out to be the best thing that could’ve ever happened to our relationship. It exposed the truth that we couldn’t just slap on another band-aid engagement to make everything better. Her breakup with Sasha gave me the opportunity to be her Rock again, to remind her how much I still care about her and still love her. She presents such a strong façade, but I know she’s got that vulnerable, soft spot inside. It gives me a deep-rooted sense of purpose to take care of her. We’ve talked about how important it is for me to be her Rock. It’s so rewarding to me to put in the effort and see her blossom with my support. It gave me the chance I needed to try and rebuild our relationship. We went from there all the way to here, to re-engagement and wedding planning and the whole nine yards. But we haven’t crossed the finish line yet, and she still has her fears.”

“And you don’t?”

“I’m fucking fearful I won’t be able to find her and fix this, that’s for fucking sure. But I’ve told you already that she became MY rock. There have been times when I’ve been weak and needed HER support. We each have our strengths and complement each other, like a Yin-Yang symbol.”

Iris thought about that and nodded.

“I don’t need to tell you how much a model struggles with self-esteem,” I continued. “Adrienne learned to depend on the praise of others telling her she was gorgeous and popular. She feeds, to this day, on the attention of her adoring fans both out in public and within our inner circle of friends. But she’s constantly fighting internal battles of self-doubt. Despite my reassurances, she questions whether or not she’s truly worthy of being loved. It doesn’t really help that I have so many other women in my life. Everywhere she looks there’s another beautiful young woman expressing her love and devotion for me, and Adrienne is constantly asking herself, ‘Am I really what’s best for him? I’m just an attention-whore sucking up all his energy. Dawn’s so much better at reading his moods and giving him what he needs. Summer’s so much more selfless and sacrificing. Sasha is so much less needy. Kim will always be the mother of his firstborn.’”