Chapter 38: Sacrifice

-- FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2009 --

Restart your brain, press F8 to select Advanced Startup Options, and then select Safe Mode.

As my brain booted back up in Safe Mode, a whirlwind of thoughts went through my mind in mere milliseconds, most of them questions.

When did she and Bert have sex? Was it fifteen minutes ago? An hour? Sunday night immediately after I’d left the house? How many times had they done it? If she’d fucked him at any time longer than fifteen minutes ago, why hadn’t she told me before? Was she ashamed of what she’d done? Had she felt the need to hide it from me all week until we saw each other face-to-face? I hadn’t sensed anything negative from her, neither through our daily phone calls, Skype sessions, text messages, nor our mysterious Link.

On the one hand, I wasn’t upset about the sex acts themselves per se. I mean, I HAD gone out of my way to give both Dawn and Bert the green light to hook up if that was what they both wanted. On the other hand, I WAS bothered by the lack of communication, both prior to the hookup(s) and post. I would’ve appreciated the parties involved letting me know something was going to happen in advance, even if I’d never formally requested that particular courtesy. So to be blindsided with this information literally seconds after I’d walked through the door, I felt...

Well...

Blindsided.

What were the circumstances that led to the hookup? Was it a project meeting where Dawn got drunk and horny and just sorta grabbed Bert on a whim?

Had Bert been servicing a few Tri-Delts visiting The Nest when Dawn wandered over and joined in?

Did Dawn go out of her way to arrange a tryst with Bert and Lynne, starting with a nice dinner before retiring to the married couple’s apartment?

Had Dawn actually invited over not only Bert but the entire Cal Football team to gangbang the hell out of her in my bedroom? And when she admitted that she’d had sex with Bert she stopped before she could bring herself to admit the rest?

Okay that last one was patently ridiculous, but in the absence of information my imagination was bound to run wild.

Even though I knew I shouldn’t let my imagination run wild. Hadn’t I just told Peyton how much faith I had in Dawn?

Oh, the irony of you telling Peyton about your faith in Dawn and then you come home to find out that the cheating slut whored herself out to Bert.

No, not a cheating slut. Not a whore. For one thing, it can’t have been cheating when I explicitly gave her permission.

She still went behind your back. Pretty sure you made clear that even if she did partake, she would do so under your supervision. Didn’t you say you knew she’d never sneak off and bang another man without your knowledge?

I think I did say that, yes.

Well apparently she snuck off and banged another man without your knowledge.

This is different. This is Bert. And no matter what the circumstances are, I KNOW that Dawn loves me more than life itself. Undoubtedly. Unequivocally. Unconditionally.

None of which answers the question: ‘Why didn’t she communicate with you?’

I don’t know.

I do. The answer is, ‘Because Dawn’s a shitty communicator who buries her desires instead of sharing them with you.’ Tell me this isn’t the most “on brand” thing for Dawn to have done. Hold it in, hold it in, hold it in like a reluctant potty-training toddler, and then explode in the messiest way possible to maximize the fallout and her own self-loathing. Probably got drunk and horny and lonely. Not to mention you putting marriage back on the table, pushing her into an act of self-sabotage because you put that burden of being your wife back on her shoulders.

Oh, so this is MY fault?

Didn’t you tell her you wanted to get married after she’s repeatedly insisted that isn’t what she wants? Clearly, Dawn’s not the only shitty communicator.

Hey, I went out of my way to be honest with my feelings, not bury them. I told her I understood that she wasn’t ready and wasn’t trying to rush her, but in the spirit of Open Communication I admitted how much I loved her and wanted a true vow of ‘til death do us part. And for the record, I ALSO communicated that I would honestly accept her having sex with Bert or any other man, which is exactly what she did. This isn’t going to be a messy potty-training explosion with a massive fallout because neither Dawn nor I are toddlers anymore.

We’re not toddlers anymore...

We’re not toddlers anymore...

Clearly, you’re not toddlers anymore. Where are you going with this?

When my eyes opened again, Dawn was in the process of collapsing to the ground like a de-boned fish, a stricken look of pain and agony on her face as if she’d been physically stabbed. Adrienne was right beside me and I felt her rage charging up with an almost violent, roiling energy. I knew immediately that my Tigress was ready to do whatever was necessary for me, whether it was to do battle with Dawn or carry my sorry ass out of the room.

I reached out and grabbed onto Adrienne’s wrist to prevent her from escalating the situation any further, and at the same time I stared straight at Dawn with a clenched jaw and a firm resolve, stating, “I call bullshit.”

There were tears in Dawn’s eyes as she sat in a heap on the floor. She blinked as she looked up at me, clearly not expecting me to say those words. And it took her a few seconds to find her voice and mutter weakly in confusion, “What?”

“This is a test,” I stated flatly, my mind still racing. “You didn’t actually have sex with Bert.”

“Wait, what?” Adrienne exclaimed, her eyes popping open wide.

“There’s no fucking way she fucked Bert. No fucking way. I know it,” I insisted.

Adrienne winced with an almost maternal concern for me as she reached out and rubbed my lower back. “Tiger ... Look, I know it really hurt to hear her say that, but I don’t think denial is the way to go here.”

“I’m serious. I’m calling bullshit.” Keeping my focus on Dawn, I continued, “You think I’m still the Stupid Fucking Moron who believes you’re capable of banging some other guy without me. Didn’t we have this discussion already after the JKE Holiday Party? No, I’m calling bullshit. The Dawn I know who still has an alcoholic’s fear of committing another Dawnpocalypse and ruining our relationship forever would NEVER do anything like this behind my back. It doesn’t add up. When would you have theoretically fucked Bert over the past week without the guilt eating at you from the inside so that you’d have confessed on the phone or during a Skype session before now? The only available time would’ve been during the last six/seven hours while I was flying back, and there’s no way you would’ve done that knowing I would be coming home soon. So there are only two explanations: One, this is a calculated move designed specifically to try and break our relationship in the most spectacular fashion possible - yeah, I don’t believe it; or Two, this is a calculated move designed specifically to test my reaction to you having sex with Bert without actually having to have sex with Bert.”

“Seriously?!?” Adrienne sputtered beside us and grimaced before her eyes went wide in realization. Shaking her head at Dawn, she added, “Oooh, that’s cold. Even -I- would never be so manipulative. I don’t know what’s actually worse: sleeping with Bert or making it up to fucking test us!”

“The test. Definitely the test is worse. I actually gave explicit permission for her to sleep with Bert.” I sighed. “But I suppose that desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Dawn’s eyes warily went back and forth between me and Adrienne as she rolled up onto her knees and slowly got back up. “Is that what you really believe? That this is just a test? Sure you’re not just desperate to cling to any wild conspiracy theory that would have a net result of me NOT having taken another man’s dick into my body?”

I rubbed my forehead and groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m fine with you having sex with another man?”

“It really doesn’t bother you that I had sex with Bert?”

“Are we still playing this game like I didn’t already figure it out? Fine.” Taking a deep breath, I fixed my so-called best friend with a glare and stated emphatically, “I gave you point-blank explicit permission to have sex with Bert if you so choose. Now I honestly can’t remember at this very second if we explicitly discussed advance permission, so if you’d actually fucked Bert, I could theoretically get mad about the lack of communication part. But bottom line the answer is: No, I wouldn’t be angry if you had sex with Bert, even though I already know with a hundred percent certainty that you didn’t.”

Dawn’s eyes narrowed. “Hundred percent sure?”

“I’m like ... ninety-five percent sure,” Adrienne volunteered, raising her hand. “I know how much you and Ben mean to each other, but c’mon, is it any surprise that I think you’re at least five percent capable of completely losing your shit and going off the deep end?”

“Even if she did, it wouldn’t matter,” I insisted. “If you did fuck Bert, I could handle it. My love for you outweighs my desire for you to be Ben-ogamous. Trying to give me a heart-attack by putting me to the test like this, on the other hand, pisses me off more.”

Adrienne was chuckling now and shaking her head. “Seriously, Dawn: ice-cold maneuver.”

“Hundred percent,” I repeated emphatically with a glare at Dawn. “The only way I’d believe you fucked Bert while I was gone would be if you had pegged him with a strap-on. This is a test.”

Adrienne smirked.

Taking a deep breath, Dawn exhaled and shook her head. She walked toward me and extended her arms for a hug. “You’re right: it’s a test. I didn’t fuck Bert. I’m ... I’m sorry for the attempted deception. It was a crazy idea and--”

“It’s alright, it’s alright. I’m already over it,” I cut her off as I hugged her close and squeezed. “I love you. I’ll love you forever.”

“Really?”

“Really, really.”

Dawn hugged me back fiercely. She kept squeezing for a long while, and remained quiet for a long while. And it was only after another minute or two passed that she was finally able to relax her grip while exhaling with a mournful whimper.

“I just...” she began before faltering, pulling back to arm’s length while keeping her hands behind my neck. “I had to know how you’d react. You were gone for a week and while I of course had the girls to keep me company, there was a lot of time spent staring up at the ceiling with nothing but my own mind for company--”

“And we all know how dangerous THAT can be.”

Dawn winced and nodded. “I’m as tired of the circular arguments as you are. I’m tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting like Ryan did for something external to happen to force us into some situation where we had to confront these issues. Summer and I just spent the last few hours talking about this, and ... and ... and then you texted me that you’d landed at the airport and were getting into the limo and ... and ... I’m sorry. I know it was a crackpot last-minute idea to lie to you, trying to make something happen. I was never actually going to cheat on you, but I desperately needed to try and find out how you’d react if I did.”

I shook my head. “Just so we’re clear: Having sex with Bert? I wouldn’t have called it ‘cheating’. Telling me after the fact? Yes absolutely that would be cheating. You and I both agreed we don’t need government paperwork or formal titles to define our relationship, but we agreed that we’re in a romantic relationship. I released you from your Oath of Ben-ogamy, but I still damn well fucking expect to be kept in the loop about what’s going on. You want to go sleep with Bert? I can accept that. I may not LIKE it because ... well ... yes, I’d rather keep you all to myself. You’re My Dawn and I’m capitalizing the M in ‘My’. I don’t actually wanna share you with anyone else.”

Dawn’s eyebrows popped. “See, I KNEW you didn’t really wanna share me. You could never lie to me about that stuff. I could feel the truth. In here.” She tapped her right temple for emphasis.

I took a deep breath and exhaled. “You’re not the only one who’s spent a lot of time staring up at the ceiling having arguments with their own mind, and you of course just made my brain spin around at three hundred miles an hour considering all the ramifications just now, which I suppose was the whole fucking point. So here’s what I’ve got: I really would be happier if you never wanted a DP or TP for the rest of your life with any male dicks except my own. Plethora of Ben Juniors all the way. But at the end of the day, I have faith in you, faith in our relationship, faith in your emotional faithfulness ... and that’s good enough for me. Keep me in the loop and TELL me you want a DP with me and Bert, or me and Andrew or Nick. Close-knit friends and guys I can trust - that’s my compromise. No dirty hobos off the street. Promise me I’ll never walk into a room to find you unexpectedly riding some random dude. My love for you is unconditional, even with that nuclear bomb, but that situation would fucking piss me off and yes, it would take me a while to stop hating you for that. I’d still love you, but yes I would still hate you at the same time.”

Dawn arched a single eyebrow and she gave me a smile. “You done now?”

I sighed and took in her own haggard appearance. She was smiling and there was a world of relief in her eyes, but I knew she’d just gone through the same thought process I had, and probably for several hours longer, too. Was her test going to work? Was I going to start spitting fire in righteous fury? Had she irrevocably damaged our relationship? I realized just how relieved I’d felt when all the puzzle pieces clicked into my head, when I recognized the whole thing was a test and that she hadn’t actually done anything behind my back. She was probably just now coming to that same sense of relief that she hadn’t permanently fucked things up between us.

“I felt the shock to your system when I told you I had slept with Bert,” Dawn explained. “I felt it. I felt that jolt, felt how hurt you were. You’re trying to tell me right now that you’d be fine with me having sex with another man, but you can’t retroactively take back your immediate reaction.”

“I wasn’t ... I wasn’t hurt,” I tried to explain. “I was in shock, really. Shocked and confused. I didn’t know what to think.”

“Shocked the hell out of me too. I’m...” she sighed while rubbing her forehead as if her brain had been physically struck. “I’m sorry I put you through that.”

“Seems to me you put yourself through worse. I was never angry at the idea of you fucking Bert. What hurt me was the lack of communication - the idea that you’d done something behind my back without including me in the decision. I told you: I can handle it if that’s something you really want.”

Dawn shook her head. “But it’s not what YOU really want. You said it yourself just a minute ago: you’d be happier if I never again had a DP or a TP with any real male dicks except yours. I don’t want you sacrificing your true desires for my sake.”

“I don’t want you sacrificing YOUR true desires for MY sake.”

Dawn sighed and tightened her arms around my neck and shoulders again. “And here we are going in circles all over again as if my test never happened.”

Adrienne muttered, “Not a great plan.”

I shook my head. “We only keep going in circles about this because you never want to sit down, talk it out, and put the whole matter to rest once and for all.”

“Well we’re talking it out right now.”

“Finally.” I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I was still on East Coast time and it was after midnight there, I was jetlagged and weary after a really long day of nonstop activity from Peyton to Penny to Strawberry and now this, and yet I still felt a sense of relief at finally having the chance to sit down and try to resolve such a longstanding problem. Dawn and I released each other from our embrace, and I went to the couch and plopped down on it. Looking up at Summer, I opened my left arm invitingly and the redhead readily scurried into the spot beside me and snuggled in close. Adrienne stayed where she was, arms folded across her chest with narrowed eyes, watching everything like a hawk.

Meanwhile, Dawn remained standing as she turned to face me. “There are really only two ways this works. Solution One: I don’t feel any urges or flashes or whatever to have a second dick, and I finally convince you of that.”

I immediately snorted. “Never gonna happen because I already know that’s a lie. I KNOW you have urges and flashes and you’ll never convince me otherwise. I can feel you having them when you do.” I took a deep breath and canted my head. “So that leaves Solution Two: You admit that you have urges and flashes and I convince you that I’m honestly fine with it.”

Dawn shook her head. “Never gonna happen because you’ve already admitted you’d prefer me to be Ben-ogamous.”

“I’ll agree to the term ‘prefer’, but that’s a ‘want’ not a ‘need’.”

“Your preference is enough to be my mandate,” Dawn insisted. “The method for achieving Solution One is obvious: I swallow my urges and continue to be Ben-ogamous. This is what millions of people in committed relationships do all the time, so what’s the problem, really? Husbands leer at hot women on the street and fantasize about bending them over the nearest bench, but out of loyalty to their wives they swallow the urge and remain faithful. Wives see the shirtless gardener and entertain idle fantasies but keep their panties on. We may not be married on paper, but I’m committed to you for the rest of my life all the same, ‘til death do us part. You wanna talk about wants versus needs? I really don’t need anything more than you and a couple of Ben Juniors to make me airtight, and that’s the honest fucking truth.”

“I still think we can go with Solution Two and already offered my compromise: keep it within a close-knit circle of guys I can trust like the Berts, Andrews, and Nicks of the world but no dirty hobos off the street. Two months ago Brandi told Jared the truth about us. She told him that being with me would never be more than just a special occasion thing, but that she would continue. I have no doubt that Jared would prefer to keep Brandi all to himself, but he told her he loved her and accepted her exactly as she is. How could I possibly do any less for you? ‘Prefer’ to keep you all to myself? Sure. ‘Need’ to keep you all to myself? Absolutely not.”

“You say you can handle it, but I’m convinced we’re just rehashing Fair is Fair from sophomore year. I’m convinced that little needle in the back of your brain - poking and irritating you and making you question my faithfulness - will never truly go away. It’ll undermine everything you feel for me and become the poison that destroys us from the inside out.” Dawn vehemently shook her head. “Solution Two sucks. We’re going with Solution One.”

“You only think Solution Two sucks because you’re still traumatized from the Dawnpocalypse.”

“Damn fucking right I’m still traumatized.”

“So let me help you get over that trauma. Wasn’t that the whole point of this test? To tell me you fucked Bert, get that psychic whiplash of my shock and pain, and then have me tell you I still love you no matter what?”

“I don’t ... Maybe?”

“We were both tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you made it drop. Fuck, you basically just tried to make ME re-live my Dawnpocalypse trauma by telling me you fucked Bert. But am I traumatized right now? No, I’m not. We need to get YOU to this same point where you’re not ruled by that fear anymore.”

“How? Forcing me to have sex with a guy I don’t want to have sex with?”

“No, absolutely not. Don’t you get it? The actual act of having sex with another man was never the cause of the Dawnpocalypse. Fuck, I told Peyton just this morning that you fucking Jaron wasn’t the issue, and that if I saw him on the street I’d shake his hand and tell him it wasn’t his fault. The REAL issue was your internal struggle to be Perfect Dawn - academically, socially, even sexually. It all piled together until it overwhelmed you. You having sex with another man - approved in advance and supervised by me - would never be a poison that destroys us from within. But you bottling up your actual desires for my sake? THAT would be the true poison that would undermine everything we’ve built together.”

Dawn shook her head. “I don’t want to bottle up my desires for multiple dicks.”

“Glad we agree on something.”

“I don’t want to HAVE any desires for multiple dicks in the first place!”

“Ugh...” I started rubbing my forehead. “You can’t just make those desires go away. You can’t control the way you feel.”

“But I CAN control my behavior, my choices,” she insisted, and I got a distinct sense of déjà vu at her words. “I choose to satisfy my urges under controlled conditions with hot babes who really know how to work a Ben Junior. Yes, I’m a sexual creature. Yes, I wanna feel my pussy and ass plugged up at the same time, and sometimes have another one rammed down my throat as well. I DO get to feel that all the time, don’t you see? Our relationships with Summer and Adrienne here ... with Nora and Kirstie and the Schenkes ... with the twins and the rest of our family ... I am in a GREAT situation to get those desires fulfilled. I don’t bottle up my desires ... I SATISFY them in a safe way so that they don’t dominate my thoughts anymore. I CHOOSE to indulge my cravings with other women for both your stated preference for me to remain Ben-ogamous AND my own anxiety as a metaphorical alcoholic who would like you to please very much STOP offering me foamy pints of beer, alright?!?”

I took a deep breath and exhaled. A pair of hands slid over my shoulders, and I glanced back in mild surprise to find Summer massaging my neck and then upper arms. “Ben ... Dawn’s asking you to support her desire for DPs and TPs with other girls and not push her to fuck other guys. Is that REALLY such a hard thing to ask of you?”

I rubbed my forehead. “No, of course not.”

Dawn sighed. “I’m reminded of something June told me: about how you wanna corner the market on guilt-inducing sacrifices yourself. About how you don’t want anyone in your life sacrificing their wants and needs for you. Newsflash: You’re not the only one who wants to make the life of a loved one better. The rest of us are allowed to stop, look at an issue where we have opposing desires, and choose to sacrifice for you instead. That’s a relationship. It goes both ways. There are things I’ll let you sacrifice on my behalf. This isn’t one of them. This situation right now? It doesn’t end in a Dawnpocalypse from me holding back any flash urges to fuck other guys. It ends in a Dawnpocalypse if YOU push me into something I’ve already decided for myself is an unhealthy behavior I don’t want for myself anymore.”

Summer was still trying to massage out the knots in my neck. “Listen to her.”

Adrienne sighed and dropped her arms. “I find myself agreeing with Dawn.”

I arched an eyebrow at the supermodel. “Really?”

“You really don’t get to corner the market on guilt-inducing sacrifices,” Adrienne stated firmly. “I’ve told you before about Dawn’s traumas, and attempting to sacrifice your true desire to be her one and only man by actively setting her up with Bert is at best misguided, and at worst really, really gross.”

“Ugh ... For the record, I have never actively set Dawn up with Bert. I will candidly admit that I asked him ‘if’ he would do it if she approached him, and gave him my permission to do so under those conditions. But (A) you were the one who went and asked her if she was interested in being next as soon as you found out Bert had joined me with Kim and June, to which she said I’d be a Stupid Fucking Moron if I thought she was going anywhere near Bert’s penis; and (B) the only time the two of them have actually been within fifty feet of each other with their clothes off was at the Chocolate and Cream party, for which you were the one who invited him!”

Adrienne pursed her lips. “Okay fine, maybe you’ve never actively tried to set her up with Bert, but you’re still pushing her to have a DP she’s made explicitly clear she doesn’t want to have.”

“I’m not pushing ... I’m ... It’s just...” I sighed. “She wants to satisfy her urges under controlled conditions, and Bert’s the most controlled condition I can think of.”

“Zero other men and lots of Tri-Delts wearing Ben Juniors is a better controlled condition,” Adrienne insisted. “That’s all I’VE ever wanted for myself. You want to put this matter to rest once and for all? Listen to her. Really LISTEN to what she wants instead of unilaterally deciding you know what’s best for her despite herself. This is really no different from giving Kim the Self-Interest collar. Let Dawn make the choice.”

“You’re asking me to have faith.” I muttered quietly, looking over at Dawn.

Dawn frowned and then glanced over at Adrienne, not quite understanding and perhaps wondering whether or not Adrienne knew why I’d put such weight into that word.

I glanced back at Adrienne for a moment, and then Summer, and then finally returned my attention to Dawn. “I’m letting you make the choice. I promise I’ll stop suggesting or in any way initiating a conversation about you having sex with other men, except for this one last time right here and now to say: my love for you truly is unconditional.”

Dawn took a deep breath, nodded, and gave me a reassuring smile. “I believe that.”

I smiled back. “I have faith in us. I have faith in you. I choose to release you of any oath of Ben-ogamy. I don’t want you swearing fidelity for my sake, because I have faith in you that you’ll make the right decisions for your own self-interest ... that you’ll choose what’s best for the both of us. Maybe that means someday indulging in that craving for another man because you know with absolute certainty that I accept you exactly as you are. Maybe that means never indulging in that craving because you’ll be plenty satisfied with the girls and a couple of Ben Juniors. Either way, I really only ask one thing of you.”

“What’s that?”

“No more fucking bullshit tests about fucking Bert or anything like it, alright?” I groaned. “That kind of angsty, melodramatic maneuver was just ... just...”

“‘Ice-cold’?” Summer suggested.

“‘Classic Ben and Dawn’?” Adrienne chortled.

“‘Stupidly Fucking Moronic’?” I quipped.

Dawn turned pink and gave me an apologetic look. “Desperate times called for desperate measures. But I promise. Never again.”

“Thank you.”

“And I promise,” she added quite seriously. “I promise that I will never have to tell you I’ve had sex with another man for the rest of our lives.”

-- SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2009 --

The morning air was cold against both cheeks, but I was plenty warm from the nubile bodies cuddled up to either side of me. Adrienne’s golden-blonde head was pillowed on my left pectoral, Dawn’s silver-haired head was on my right.

I couldn’t actually see Summer’s copper-red mane at the moment; she was trying to sneak her way under the covers from the foot of the bed. But I could feel her long tresses tickling my legs, which was the sensation that had woken me up from my slumber in the first place. Still, I kept myself still and tried to relax so as not to interrupt her, and a moment later I felt Summer’s hot mouth surrounding my morning wood with pleasurably wet warmth.

I groaned and thrust up just a bit, Summer taking me into her throat with ease. I tried to keep my arms relaxed so as not to disturb Dawn or Adrienne and let them sleep in a little more.

It had been a very late night for everyone, after all.

I wouldn’t have called Dawn’s little test of my faith in her a “fight” per se, but we were still very much interested in post-fight make-up sex afterwards. Adrienne and Summer were both more than happy to assist, and we wound up in my bedroom with Summer sitting up against the headboard with her legs spread, Dawn’s head pillowed on Summer’s thigh, and me entering my best friend missionary-style while Adrienne hugged me from the side. That first one was just for me and Dawn, and we remained in those positions, more or less, until I finally rammed myself all the way in and felt my cock surge deep within my soulmate’s center to fill it with liquid love.

Summer went after the creampie to snowball it back to her BFF while Adrienne went down on me to keep me hard. My Tigress then sent me after the redhead, who initially tried to defer to Adrienne but then acquiesced when Adrienne insisted that Summer had gone longer without me. I started by banging Summer doggy-style while she was still making out with Dawn beneath her, but eventually I rolled Summer over onto her back and folded her in half with her legs pinned back by her ears, really pounding her hard. Meanwhile, Dawn flipped over Adrienne into a sixty-nine, retrieved a Ben Junior, and started hand-pumping the fake phallus in and out of the supermodel to warm her up.