Episode 5: Crazy Horse

“WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON ON THAT ROOSTER!!!”

Covering her head with an itchy pillow Sadie Lynn Outlaw attempted to drown out the annoyance of a Brahma chicken’s repetitive chatter. “I hope that asshole gets served as lunch.”

“Easy now Sadie. Ole’ Cogburn is Sugar Plum’s favorite son.” Edward the town barber snuggled up behind Sadie in his quest to comfort her, and perhaps get a bit more loving before he had to begin his day cutting hair. “He’s run free here in town for three long years now.” A kiss to her shoulder felt tingly as her tattoos still made him edgy.

“Cogburn? Are you serious?” She lifts her pillow away to wince at him, the connection made to the old John Wayne western seemed too close to home. “Rooster Cogburn ... huh! Never saw that comin’.”

“It is sunrise. Time to begin a fruitful day.” After a quicky he hoped.

“Uggggggggh! Pour me a bowl of Fruit Loops then.”

“I am afraid I have no such thing. Is that French cuisine? Sadly, all I can offer is an egg and bread to be broken. I truly need to frequent the mercantile. Living alone here with very few guests as you might surmise, I do not keep much in the way of vittles.”

“Coffee?” She was hopeful rolling over to face him and offer a morning kiss before settling on her back to look up at a wooden ceiling. He admired her breasts in their tight bulging fullness, nipples stabbing high. Having never seen silicone versions he just presumed she was perfect. He was certainly inquisitive toward the tattoos in such strange parts of her anatomy.

“Did the ... extra hands hurt?”

“Weren’t pleasant. The fella who held this one here down, to work on the other one hurt more. Look close enough ya might see fingerprints still. Look mighty good now though, don’t they?” She was proud of them. He did roll up to examine them more closely, “I was teasin’ Eddie.”

“Forgive my saying Miss Sadie ... they are quite voluptuous yet intimidating.”

“You Brit’s say the sweetest things.” She smirks.

“Why in the world would anyone get hands painted over such magnificent...?” He shied away from being impolite.

“Titties? Keep on complimentin’ and you’re gonna get me all worked up Edward.”

“Delightful. I was hoping you might consider that.” He grins and tweaks his moustache.

“Raincheck ‘til tonight? I promise as long as you let me stay with ya, you can ravage this beautiful bod. I wanna figure out a few things in my stay here in Sugar Plum.”

“What pray tell?”

“Nosey man.” She pinches his nostrils together playfully, “Well, for one I need me a horse to call my own. I was gonna borrow one of the Dillsby’s Boys horses seein’ as they won’t be needin’ them anymore. Problem is ... it feels disrespectful to me. Bad as horse thievin’ in my eyes.”

“There is the stable, the lads have been catching wild ones and breaking them. It is quite a hoot when they get tossed off. You have already met the proprietors”

“I did. Horse caught my eye, name of Inferno. The boys are expectin’ me here before long.”

“Be wary Miss L’Amour, Cyrus O’Malley is a tough nut to crack. He is the owner of the stable.”

“Right. I’ll deal with ole’ Cyrus. I’m good at bustin’ nuts.” She chuckles reaching over to squeeze his scrotum. “This Cyrus fella, he the owner of that big white house on the outskirts. Picket fence, pretty black gal does his laundry.”

“Yes, indeed he is. He favors the gal. If he was not the proprietor of this here town the folks might turn on him for having a...”

“Use the N word I’ll bite your tongue for ya, Eddie.”

“A woman of color.” Politeness made her smirk.

“Better! They say that around here. Seems so ... modern.”

“Respectful is it not?” He lay on his side attempting to be sexy. Regardless of her raincheck he had to try.

“Yep! Good job Sherlock. Don’t ask, just a pet name for ya. Alright, put yer Cockney to use.”

“Ah! A noble nickname indeed. A pet I am then.” Rolling over on top of her he shares a beaming smile of gently yellow teeth. In this era that couldn’t be helped. A surefire beast he took her cunt for another ride, “Roaaaar!”

“So much for the forecast for rain. We’ll check again after. Saddle up! Watson at yer cervix. Service even.” She had time to kill, might as well enjoy herself. The nanites in her body escalating her hormones made her grateful for at least that much. Well, the healing abilities amped up within her cells was pretty darn welcomed too. It certainly kept her from catching any viral diseases down in the valley. If only Cogburn would shut his beak.

“Go, I say go away boy, you bother me.” She recalled her cartoons as a child, Foghorn Leghorn a hoot. It fit the mood considering. Of course, Edward felt rejected.

“Must I?”

“Not you Eddie. Now you can cross the road to get to the other side.”

“Delightful!”

Sure nuff!

Forty minutes later...

“I am off to shave humanity.”

“Lookin’ dapper Mister Pike.” Sadie stood before the fully dressed Brit, his suit wrinkled as all get out, but still handsome. Not just that, her nostrils were so acute that the smallest odor was annoying. While the man had bathed last night the current scent of sex was overpowering to her olfactory. Feigning a brewing sneeze, she used her other hand to brush his lapel. “I’ll be down here shortly. Try not to trim yer next citizen too short when I walk through. I don’t wanna give you a bad rep for short changin’ yer customers, if you know what I mean.”

“I will look the other way. It will be their fault if they turn to follow you out whilst I have my blade in motion.”

“It’s gonna get bloody.” She laughed. “Thanks again for givin’ me a roof over my head. I’ll be back around lunch or so. If I end up with cash, I’ll treat you to a steak.”

“That would be wonderful.” He patted his belly, his chicken dinner last night long digested. “Do you want that egg and bread before you’re off?”

“You save it. If I don’t come up with any more moolah, we might be sharing that by sundown.”

“Of course! I will await your beauty downstairs.” A kiss goodbye he was exhilarated to start his day. Sadie watched him head downstairs on creaky plank steps then closed the door. Sighing she went to her backpack and opened it to her spare clothing. A shot of perfume behind a single ear was enough, her body chemistry absorbed it and spread the delicious event over her entire body, pore to pore. All these years she wondered why she reacted this way and now she knew, nanites were amazing little creatures of tech. She still wasn’t happy to have been so violated by the military. Dragging out leggings in black she went without underwear to put them on. The material was so tight it crept up into every crevice of her lower body, cameltoe vibrant, butt crack deeply recessed.

“This second skin will probably get ole’ Deputy Dawg fussin’ again, but he’s going to have to get over it. Makes me wonder what this Sheriff Tom Barrett looks like. Surely, he has to be more of a stud than Don Knotts is. Aren’t Sheriff’s supposed to be big buff guys, intimidatin’ and all? I couldn’t get a Matt Dillon now, could I?”

“Thomas Barthalomew Barrett, age 36 in the era you are in now. Brown hair! He stands at 6 foot 3 inches and resembles from the only photo on record as if he were James Garner in his youth.”

“Mornin’ to you too Miss Tilly. I thought you weren’t going to speak up unless I called for you. So, I get Bret Maverick then, could be worse.”

“I presumed you were looking for insight. Spandex? Really? You are intent on breaking every law of this time period, aren’t you? You might as well walk the streets naked in your hat and boots. Possibly your gun belt. You could turn your holsters sideways, so they cover your fanny and coochie.”

“Good one! I’ll keep that in mind if I end up being challenged to a gunfight. Distractin’ my opponent and all.”

“You really are shameless.”

“You Time Banditos should have chosen a gal more modest Tilly. I warned you guys that I’m going to be me. You folks can threaten to kill me all you want. I’m still here, so I reckon you must really need me. Can’t get to Grampa Jessup without me can ya?”

“Unfortunately ... no! What is interesting however is that there is not a single mention of you in any record from 1876 or beyond. I wonder why that is?”

“Hard tellin’! I’ll be sure to do somethin’ to put my name in the papers.” Looking for a shirt she was tempted to go Rob Zombie but felt that might be a bit more disturbing than her form fitting leggings. Thing was, her clothing was limited only packing that shirt, her camisole, and one button down flannel. The flannel complimented her jeans, the Zombie shirt these leggings. The Cami reeked of sweat and needed laundered. “I need me some new duds too. My butt zipper jeans would go over as well as my leggings here. Wonder if this town has a tailor.”

“Mortimer Cromwell. He runs a suit store, makes boots, and hats. He resides next to the mercantile.”

“Boy! For a town only having 165 residents they cover a lot of jobs.”

“Every denizen has to make a living Sadie.” While listening and processing Sadie eyes herself in the small mirror over a wooden dresser. Fidgeting over her shirt struggles she opens up Edward’s drawers one at a time. Four pairs of nice trousers, socks, multiple neatly folded dress shirts. Tempted to wear one she spots a white shirt with laces up the front. “What has he here?” Removing it from the drawer she unfolds it and models it in front of herself. “Ed’s a lanky one, this might fit me.”

Pulling it on over her upper body it was slightly snug but not unbearable, looser about the waist, but with her upper body’s endowed physique tight on the underarms due to her huge breasts. Nipples gloriously proving where they were behind the cloth, she puckered her lower lip. “Not bad as long as I’m not shootin’ pool.” She chuckled. “Now that I’m going to miss. I don’t suppose...”

“There is a billiard table in Sugar Plum.”

“Keep yakkin’!”

“The town’s founder Cyrus O’Malley has one in his den. Only the wealthiest own pool tables.”

“Thanks for the herd’s up. Are you tellin’ me there’s records of ole’ Cyrus owning a pool table? I was looking for a reason to parlay with Cyrus. I want to know if his housekeeper is happy or a prisoner.”

“Actually yes, a record of its purchase from Loredo survived. Plumb as he called her is originally from Guinea on the west African coast, her real name is Boombasa.”

“Happy or sad?”

“That much is unknown. Our facts are minimal.”

“Gives me somethin’ to keep me occupied until Grampa Jessup rides into town. I’ll make my rounds and get to know the townsfolk. If I can earn some cash, I can buy some clothes that suit the timeline. And no, I will not wear a dress.” Edward’s shirt draping low on her hips she opted to tie it in a knot along her waistband. “Grennen bitched me out for belly button bling so at least its covered. I like my hips doggonit! Not hidin’ them.”

“Of course not. You will be referred to as a floosy. I’m surprised Edward did not choke on your nipple barbs.”

“He loved ‘em! I can live with that floosy moniker. I... “ She hears a riot outside on the street, the sounds of men trying to contain something. A shrill whiney of a horse avoiding, or better yet fending off those trying to capture him echoed her way. “What’s goin’ on outside?”

“I have no knowledge to share.”

“Okay! Take your coffee break Tilly Ford. Tell Carlsbad I said Haymaker.” Her way of saying Hey! She intended to punch his lights out someday. Most likely Tilly and General Westmore too. Hell, everyone at Wyndham Explorations. She fully intended to Kicksas in Kansas when and if she made it home. Stepping to the street facing window in Ed’s bedroom she peered out onto the sand covered roadway to see a big beautiful black stallion rearing up on his back hooves. Red mane and clumps of hair around the shins he was glorious.

“Inferno they called him. I can see the fire, Buddy.” Settling down once he looked up to see Sadie, she flared her eyes. “Are you lookin’ at me Red Eyes?” The horse relaxed its temperament long enough to look directly into her eyes. Stomping one foot on the ground multiple times as if some kind of signal she tilted her head. “Now isn’t that interesting. He’s acting like the Dillsby horses did.”

It took four men with lariats to manage him, but now that he seemed quiet, they were scratching their heads. Dooley Finn being one of those wranglers, Sadie noted a girl wearing a derby like Shaunesy Finn did. “Another redhead. Looks tough but petite.” Like Sadie she wore trousers rather than a dress, pants made of buckskin and a similar style shirt to the one she borrowed from Edward. “A smoker even. Is that a cigar? My kind of rodeo star.” She did need a cigarette, as of late she had slowed down to preserve her only carton from the future. Thankfully when captured by the Dillsby gang they shied away from them in their odd packaging. That and the word Marlboro was over their heads.

The horse Inferno sat down in the street making this even more intriguing. It was almost as if he had given up and decided to sit this one out. No amount of encouragement tugs on the lariats brought him to his feet. Eyes still meeting, Sadie watched the girl in the derby trying to keep him calm, even petting his forehead, he seemed to like her. “And there’s my horse if I can win that bet with the Finn Boys. He looks tame enough that I shouldn’t get trampled. If she can relax him, I know I can, I’ve always had a great communication with steeds. Well, except for Uncle Brandon’s horse Tarnation. He was one evil fucker. Damn shame Brandon followed in his hoof steps. Ha! A horse of another color.” Leaning out the window her breasts nearly fell out of the untied shirt, certainly enough to raise a few eyebrows, dicks even.

“Inferno doesn’t look so crazy Drooley.” She yelled down at him, “I’m bettin’ I win him here in a few. We doin’ this here in the street or at the stables?”

“Stables, Lass! If’n we can get him back there.”

“Need some help? Go on! Get!” She waved her arm at the horse. With a volcanic exhale it stood up and bolted down the street dragging everyone but the girl in the derby, she had sense enough to release her rope.

“Oh, ye’re a big help.” The woman spat at the ground then took a hefty drag on her cigar.

“I do my best. I’m Sadie Ou ... L’Amour. Who might you be?”

“Dorieann Finn. I be the sister of Shaunesy and Dooley. Ye can call me Dorie.”

“Hunky Dorie?”

“I ain’t no fella.” She looked offended. “Why does everyone think I’m a man?”

“Pants! Short hair. Flat chest! No offense.” She had a measly 34B to her bra size, if she wore more than an undershirt.

“Why are ye lookin’ at my ... don’t make me put my stogie out on your forehead.”

“You can try.” Sadie laughed. “Give me a few minutes, I’ll walk to the stables with ya. Got an extra stogie?”

“You think these things grow on trees? Hell no, I don’t!”

“Calm yer ash down. I’m startin’ to think yer the one needin’ the name Inferno.”

“Got that right.” Dorie aimed to be a firecracker in front of the boardwalk traffic. There was a lengthy line of men at the barbershop below. Seeing so many gents in line Dorie hissed and kicked the dirt. “I just know those fellas are there jus’ to get a look see at her lady parts. Some gals have all the luck.”

A number of them had stepped into the street to look up at Sadie before she left the window. Of course, in doing that they lost their place in line. Not even the frail young woman in a pale blue dress carrying a basket of muffins attracted as much attention as toward Sadie. Catching a whiff of food many tried to buy one, but she refused to sell. Moving past the gentlemen she entered the barbershop. Even within the establishment there were four men waiting on Edward. Sadly, even Ed knew they were not here for any shave or clip. Two of them were just here yesterday before Sadie rode into town.

“Excuse me.” The lanky young woman smiled as she slipped through the gauntlet of gawkers. “Good morning, Mister Pike. Mistress Millie made muffins.” She crept closer, Edward inhaling the scent of fresh baked goods. Pausing his shave, he attempted to snatch one up but found her swatting his hand away. “These here are for Miss L’Amour. Don’t you be stingy.” As if she weren’t!

“Mistress Millie made muffins. Say that three times fast.” Sadie had made her way downstairs at the perfect time. Boots on over her leggings Sadie looked ... interesting. “Borrowed yer under-shirt, Eddie. I hope ya don’t mind.” Jaws dropped instantly, even those males outside the window. Sadie had neglected to tie her cleavage strings so her swell right down the middle was dramatic. “I know yer not Vera ... who might you be Muffin?”

“Carlotta, ma’am. Mistress Millie...”

“Made muffins! You already said that. Why is she bein’ so nice to me?”

“I suppose she ... just wants to be friends.”

“Uh huh! She lookin’ for a bouncer?”

“Please bounce!” One of the men begged. Sadie chuckled and hopped in step, her tits flopping about behind Edward’s thin shirt. Even Carlotta blushed. “Magnificent! You could do that at Millie’s and become quite wealthy.”

“Food... “ She grabbed a muffin then tossed it at Edward before grabbing a second one. “ ... for second thoughts. Tell Millie I’m grateful she was thinkin’ of me Carl.”

“Carlotta, ma’am!”

“Right! You hungry Carl? Yer lookin’ a might thin.” She could tell the girl was not fed as much as she could be. Fanning her muffin under the girls nose she followed it with a look of fear. “Millie not feedin’ you proper?”

“Two meals a day.”

“Three! Eat up. Not one of you polechats say a word to Millie or I’ll never bounce in step again.” That bouncer jest wasn’t a bad idea if it paid her. Meaning a house security guard, she could still bounce for tips. “Eat! I’m not leavin’ until you devour every bite.” She took a third muffin and inhaled it. Watching Edward and Sadie eat up Carlotta couldn’t resist and took a nibble. “Stop bein’ a mouse. Eat!” Carlotta scarfed it down just that fast. “I’ll be havin’ a talk with Millie here by lunchtime. You tell her to reserve a couple thick steaks for Eddie and I ... oh, and you, you’re joinin’ us for lunch.”

“Millie will not allow me to eat in front of ... everyone.”

“She has no say if yer my guest. Eddie’s ... guest.” Edward cocked an eyebrow. Was Sadie playing matchmaker? The overly petite blonde blushed again and bashfully batted her eyes at the Brit. Cockney blocked Sadie stepped between them, “I’ll be back Eddie ... gimme a kiss.” Public display forbidden she made him by yanking him into her. Every man in the place was sporting wood. Some of them now eying poor Carlotta, knowing they at least had a chance in bedding her down. For the right price that is. She had a hunch she would have visitors soon. Taking the basket of muffins Sadie sat them on the barber’s countertop. “Walk me out Carl?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

Leading the way, the room full of men admired Sadie’s skintight physique. Edward soon found out how many tried and true customers he had. Once Sadie had gone those four in wait followed her out. Even the man in his chair wiped his face and abandoned his seat. A dime paid; the man left without a word. Considering Ed charged a nickel he felt rich. Maybe Sadie was his lucky charm. A second muffin to celebrate his fortune, he wished they were blueberry.

The mass of gentlemen outside drew the attention of Deputy Ira Grennen. Having been kept busy with the Dillsby’s, no other deputy to watch over them he had to trust that no one entered his jail while he was away. He did keep the cell key on him though.

“I should have known she was all the fuss down here. Heard she nearly broke Dooley Finn’s wrist last night. Good thing I didn’t drop by to bet on him. Who’d have thought a gal could beat ole Dool.” Spotting Sadie his boots came to a dusty halt. “Good God Almighty! What is that woman wearin’? I’ve seen rattler’s with less tight skin. I should run her in for showin’ off but with only one cell and the Dillsby’s terrified of her ... I got no choice but to overlook ... well, everyone seems to be overlookin’. She is one fine filly. She’s walkin’ with Carlotta too. I’ve never seen Carlotta out of the saloon. What’s ole’ Millie up to?” Smarter than some! He and Millicent DuPont.

“Mornin’ ladies.” Grennen made his way to the barbershop entrance. The patron gents scattered at seeing Ira with his shotgun over his shoulder. They knew he was a very good shot but a tad clumsey too! “What? No whisker trims Gents?”

“They were after my trim.” Sadie chuckled, realizing Dorie Finn had left her hanging. A shame Sadie thought, wanting to get to know the Irish girl better. There was still time. All the TIME in her world. “Grennen! Any word from Sheriff Barrett?”