Episode 15: CUManche

“How ya doin’ back there, Porkypine?”

“I HATE YOU DIVA DIABLO!!!”

“This is really cruel, Miss L’Amour. His fluffy pillow has needles stickin’ out of ‘em.”

“Fluffy pillow?” Sadie Outlaw laughed at her riding partner the stunning Irish brawler Dorieann Finn. “Ya mean his scrotum. His ball sack? His nutcase?” Halting the horses Sadie threw her legs around to sit backwards in her saddle and lay back on Tarnation’s mane. Not exactly comfortable but at least the insane stallion didn’t move to ruin her recline. Looking back at the sprawled-out dimwitted outlaw Ned Potter found him lying right over a horde of cactus pads. The thin needles drawing blood in over a hundred prick points. “There now, ain’t that a cozy bed Ned? Not as cozy as mine right now but hey beggars can’t be snoozers. If ya fess up to where the bank loot is hidden out there, I’ll let Nurse Hunky here, pick yer thistles. If not ... I’ll jus’ roll ya over on yer belly and ride ya back through all those needles in a prey stack.”

“I can’t Diva Diablo. I’m a trustworthy fella to my gang. They be my friends.”

“Do you really believe the Dillsby’s don’t see you as a pain in their ass? Pretty much those cactus pins in yer backside. You think they wouldn’t be laughin’ at yer expense? Dorie and I can punish ya like this all day. Plenty of vultures out here jus’ waitin’ on dinner. Heck, I might even let those birdies nip a few chunks out of ya before I shoo ‘em off. What there is of ya.”

“Sadie?” Dorie creased her brow at the woman’s sudden persona change. A simple hand gesture to pause Dorieann the girl clammed up but felt horrible for how Ned was being treated.

“I’m prepared to meet my maker.” Stubborn he was! Maybe Sam Dillsby was correct in his assumption of his fellow bank robber. If he could just hold out a little while longer, meaning two days, help could possibly arrive. Big if but at least Sam tried in sending a telegraph to their mother.

“Fair enough! Dorie? Switch ropes with me.” Ends untied from their saddle horns they traded lariats and retied them. Revolving in her seat Sadie faced forward once again and whispered, “Jus’ keep calm he’s gonna break I guarantee it. I need to move yer horse a lil’ but not so far we rip him a new poop chute.” A delicate ease away and forward with their steeds, the twisted ropes forcibly rolled Ned over until he was now being stabbed by cactus spines all over his full-frontal nudity. He covered his eyes with his palms to avoid being blinded but was screaming like an infant. Needles in his penis nearly made him pass out.

“FINE! I’LL TALK!” He choked up, needles even in his parched lips.

“See how easy that was?” Sadie halted Tarnation then stepped down from her saddle, Dorie joining her to walk back to their prick tease burden. “Don’t you be lyin’ to me Ned. You know I’m not afraid to drag ya a few more miles. It’s a loooong walk out to where we first met up.”

“I know that. The loot is hidden in a small cave Sam covered up with rocks. We planned on robbin’ a few more banks to add to it then head on home.”

“Far from where I met you fellas?”

“Not too far off. Mile maybe! That’s why Sam moved us further out so ya thought we weren’t jus’ sittin’ on our loot.”

“You can ride us right to that cave?”

“Purdy sure! Can ya get me out of these needles? They hurt like Satan’s pitchfork!” He whined as Sadie motioned Dorie in to help him crawl out of his bed of thistles. Blood trickling everywhere but not enough to be harmful to his overall health they inspected the worst of it, Sadie satisfied that he was fine. Dorie took those needles out of his feet before standing him up, then began pulling those out of his genitals and ass. Sighing with relief Ned pouted over betraying Sam so easily. He really had planned on returning back to his jail cell with pride. “You gotta protect me from Sam, Diva Diablo.”

“I’ll even put in a good word in for ya with Judge Bean. Yer doin’ the right thing Ned. Tell ya what, once we find that money, I’ll return it without the Dillsby’s even knowin’. That way you can go back lettin’ him think you were honorable.”

“He knows me, Diva Diablo. I can’t lie to him. I need to be held somewhere else ‘til the Judge shows.”

“I’ll talk to Tom Barrett and see what we can figger out. Jus’ keep bein’ honest with me and I’ll defend ya.”

“So will I Ned.” Dorie looked up from removing a thistle in his inner thighs, his penis right in her face. “I got me some faith in ye.”

“Thank ya, Miss Dorie. I wasn’t always a bandit. I was gonna go into preachin’ but things jus’ took a turn.” Sighing, Sadie decided to help Dorie by pinching thistles from his upper body while Ned rescued his lips and knuckles.

“I can see ye as a preacher.”

“Ned? Can you even read?”

“I can ... durn it ... no!”

“So, how are you gonna read the gospel to any congregation? Make it up as ya go along?”

“I know my bible. My pappy read it to us every Sunday.”

“And ya recall every word?”

“Prolly not every word, but I recall a lot.”

“Dorie? Can you read?”

“Sure can.”

“Then maybe ya can teach Ned here and we can set him on a new life mission someday.”

“That would be real nice of ya, Miss Dorie.” He looked down at her with a glimmer of respect. “I’d surely treat ya like a lady.”

“I’m no... “ She stood up and winced at him. “Pluck ye own needles.” Storming off to her horse she stared off into the hills ahead of them, hands on her hips then opted to light her cigar. Sadie deciphering the girl’s body language retrieved Ned’s cowboy hat and put it back on top of his head.

“She’s not used to a fella complimentin’ her Ned. Listen!” She continued taking needles out of his back then using his canteen water to rinse off blood in short trickles so as not to waste too much. “I can see ya like her. And much as I think yer pullin’ her leg, my leg too, I do want what’s best for ya, Potter. My gut tells me you can go straight and have a decent life. Ya don’t need to rob no banks, stop bein’ a follower and lead yer own life. I done told ya I’d put in a good parlay with the Judge so don’t let me down. Ya may think I’m the Devil’s daughter, but I’m not all bad myself. I only do what needs to be done, Potter. That bank money does not belong to any of you.”

“I know that. I jus’ ... I got me no friends. My daddy passed last winter. I do have his bible though in my saddle bags unless someone stole it.”

“We’ll look for it when we get back. I’m willing to give you one chance to start a new life, Ned. If ya fail me or fail Dorie, there ... fail ... him...” She pointed toward Heaven, “ ... then ya only have yerself to blame.” Thistles removed between the two of them Sadie coaxed him to lift his feet as she crouched to untie his ankles. “Ya can ride behind Dorie. I’d let ya ride behind me, but Tarnation would throw ya off and piss on ya again. Yer safer with Dorie.”

“Thank ya, Diva Diablo.”

“Come on let’s get yer boots on. I bought ya a poncho to keep ya from burnin’ any more than ya already are.”

“I could use some more olive oil.”

“Ask Dorie! I’m not goin’ near yer pecker. Not after how you boys trussed me up and took advantage. And jus’ for the record, I could have taken all of you fellas out long before we got to that creek.”

“I think I believe that. My nose still hurts. Chin too! Possibly my heart.” He sighed looking at Dorie from behind. Boots found in Dorie’s bag Sadie passed them to him then retrieved the poncho. Putting the poncho on, it didn’t even meet his waist so his pecker still dangled. At least he wasn’t erect, but after cactus needles being lodged in it that was no surprise.

“Hunky? You, okay?” Sadie moved in front of her friend.

“Jus’ dandy. Enjoyin’ my seegar!”

“Share the wealth.” Sadie swiped the stogie and took a few puffs as Ned fiddled with his coverage. “Ned is gonna ride behind ya. I got no choice there because Tarnation won’t let nobody but me on his back ya can guarantee that.”

“Behind me? His pecker is gonna be jabbin’ me all the way out there.”

“You could ride behind him. But that means you huggin’ his waist to hold on. Hands might drop to that pecker.” She teased the girl.

“Maybe ye really are the Devil’s daughter.”

“Devil’s niece, maybe.” She winked at Tarnation looking her way. “Roll our rope up and let’s get to ridin’.” A quick gathering of their necessities Dorie mounted her horse then looked down at Ned.

“Don’t ye be gettin’ all handsy or I’ll toss ya on yer keister.”

“I’ll do my best Miss Dorie. I promise.” She and Sadie helped him up behind her. A boney ass in her face was not Sadie’s idea of fun but it had to happen, he was too weak to mount up on his own. Once comfortable he held Dorie’s shoulders rather than her waistline. “I won’t go for no guns neither. Ya got my word.”

“Even if ya did Ned, you know I can shoot ya faster than you can keep from droppin’ it.” Sadie climbed back up on Tarnation. “Alright! We got a whole lot of ground to cover so let’s exercise these horses. Try’n keep up Hunky.” Sadie made a ticking sound with her lips then passed the cigar over. “Let’s rock n roll Tarnation. ROCK-N-ROLL HOOCHIECOO!” Dorie grinned at the term; Sadie was full of interesting verses. Worldly for certain!

Singing Fly Like an Eagle by the Steve Miller Band, Dorie grinned and even offered Ned her cigar for a toke. During all that fast-paced riding Ned’s dick kept rubbing and jabbing at her butt, slipping over her waistline at points making contact with her skin. The rubdown made her crazy, but she just could not let on her enjoyment. Even when all that agitation led to Ned nutting on her tan shirt and staining it. He held his breathe and apologized to her a number of times.

“Sorry, Miss Dorie, can’t be helped!”

Dorie was just fine.

It was rather cool on her lower back.

The year 2022, two weeks after Sadie Outlaw departed for Kansas, at least as far as her friends knew. Kinship, Texas!

Boone Tickle Bear’s cupboards were bare. Pardon the pun! Being a bachelor, he rarely went grocery shopping until he was living off of stale Cool Ranch Doritos. A tattoo artist as a source of income in his rundown shop just outside of town offered just enough money for utilities, gasoline, and food. A few good money tattoos recently he chose to splurge and fill up his Jeep and grab a few steaks to celebrate.

A number of recent texts to Sadie going unanswered the man was getting worried. It was unlike his childhood playmate to not respond even if it were something stupid like, “Getting laid it better be important.” She liked to rub it in that his lifelong crush on her meant tormenting him rather than giving him any. They would be best friends until the end of time. Maybe on his deathbed she might give him a hand job to send him off in style.

Entering the Red Fox grocery store there in Kinship he noticed a familiar face, one that might offer answers. Cart pushed toward the meat cases he shuffled up on an elder woman in her mid 50’s. “Afternoon, Mary Outlaw. It has been a while. How have you been?”

Looking up at him she narrowed her eyes with curiosity, “Do I know you?” The hesitance in her tone made Boone cock an eyebrow. He wasn’t certain if she was joking or if maybe she had amnesia. This woman had known Boone since he was five years old, friends with his mother Nora who was employed as their maid for twenty years before dying from cancer. “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe we’ve met. Mary is my name but ... it’s Prentiss, not Outlaw.”

“Mary ... it’s me, Boone Tickle Bear. My mother Nora was your best friend.”

“I’m truly sorry but I don’t know any Nora either. You must be mistaken.”

“I grew up with Sadie.”

“Who might Sadie be?”

“No way! Why are you acting like this?”

“I’m afraid I must ask you to leave me alone before I call the police.” She looked terrified suddenly. “Franklin?” She looked to the butcher Frank Whipping Tail behind the counter, “Do you know this young man?”

“Sure don’t!”

“Oh, come on! Is this some twisted joke? Frank, I’ve known you since I was born. You know my grandfather Newton. You two got drunk together.”

“Afraid not son. If you need anything let me know, otherwise leave Mrs. Prentiss be.” Frank moved back to his meat slicer on a table in back. Mary holding her cellphone with a 911 shown to him, Boone turned pale and moved on.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Keeping his eyes open he shopped for himself yet watched Mary conclude her own shopping list and move on to the checkout lanes. “Vonda Puzzled Coon knows me well; we went to high school together.” He eyed the heavy-set cashier checking out Mary, “She knows Sadie too. Have I stepped into the Twilight Zone?” At the liquor aisle he observed Mary acting as if nothing was amiss. Grabbing a bottle of Johnny Walker Red to put in his cart he sighed, “I might need to drink this entire bottle to get over this weirdness.” Taking out his phone he dialed Sadie’s cell number, and a voice told him that this carrier did not exist. “This is not good. I need to tell grandfather.” Holding off on that, he made his way to Vonda once Mary had pushed her cart away to head for her car.

“Hey Vonda. Did you notice something odd about Mary Outlaw?”

“Mrs. Prentiss. Mary Prentiss! I’ve never heard that name Outlaw.”

“Sadie? Brandon? Carlton? Sadie went to high school with you and I.”

“None of those names ring a bell.” She shrugged then tilted her head inquisitively, “You say, we went to school together?”

“I took you to prom. Boone Tickle Bear? Come on, really? Quit messing with me.”

“Uhhh? My prom date was Milo Greyhorn. You need to quit messing with me. Who are you?”

“I gave you your first tattoo even. The butterfly on your shoulder.” She looked at him queerly then showed him that she had no tattoos. “Okay! I’ve had enough. Check me out so I can go home and drain this bottle.” A rapid belt of items calculated he paid her in cash then walked out of the store. “First thing tomorrow I’m going to see grampa and get to the bottom of this. Bottom of the bottle first.” Watching Mary load her own groceries into a small car he winced, “Since when does Mary drive a slug bug? Where’s her truck?” Once she closed her hatchback, he saw the plates as saying “Kotts”. “Kotts? Did she borrow a car?” Hurrying to load his things he jumped into the Jeep in time to follow her at a safe distance.

Reaching a turn off that should have led her to the family ranch she drove past it and three miles further before turning into a trailer park. “Where are you going, Mary?” Stopping at a doublewide she got out and proceeded to unload her groceries while he parked down the street observing. A man came out to help her and even kissed Mary. “Did she get a new boyfriend? This can’t be happening.”