Episode 14: Prickly Pair

“Where are we goin’? I thought we was leavin’ town.”

“Stop yer daudlin’ Ned.” Sadie Outlaw aka L’Amour led the bank robber Ned Horatio Potter right down the middle of Main Street in Sugar Plum Texas. “We jus’ need supplies is all. Fast trip to the mercantile to grab munchies for the road.” She turned her attention to her right at the derby wearing redhead in pigtails. “You ever had potato chips Hunky Dorie?”

“But I ain’t wearin’ nothin’ but my boots. It’s embarassin’! People are gawkin’ at my winkie.” Dorie busted up laughing at the weaselly No-Gooder.

“He called it a winkie. Can’t say I have tried no tater chips. Fried and baked that’s ‘bout it.”

“I don’t even know if Loretta and Willybur even sell those. Trigger fingers crosshaired.” She mimicked the action and blew at her fingertips as if smoking guns, “Dooley was nice enough to fill up me a canteen of water for my trip but you prolly need a jug too.”

“So do I!” Ned was sweating up a storm and getting sunburnt by the minute. “I’m gonna be crispy before long Devil’s Daughter.”

“Diva Diablo! Get it right, Ned.” Sadie guided Tarnation up to the mercantile and dethroned. Not even bothering to tether the black stallion with demonic red eyes she just dropped her reins to his neckline and pointed at him. “Sit!” Looking at her sideways with his head turned the horse let out a fart and dropped turds into the road. Tying Ned to her saddle horn Sadie caught a whiff and rolled her eyes. “I SAID SIT NOT SHIT!” The horse whinnied as if laughing its ass off. Dorieann cracked up at Sadie’s response. The horse was still a living nightmare even if she seemed to have him tamed. Using his back hooves Tarnation kicked his bowling ball sized turds right at Ned.

“Aw this ain’t right. Jus’ put me back in jail.”

“Nope! Think hard on that hidden loot Ned, the day is young. Tarnation?” Sadie snatched up the bridle to look him in the eye then whispered into his ear, “Uncle Brandon? If you can hear me in there, please don’t hurt Ned there and keep an eye on him while I buy vittles for the road. You like carrots? I see a basket in the window there.” Nodding the horse stomped one hoof for yes. “Good man! I’m really glad we got reunited. I’ve missed ya.” A gentle nudge to her chest she patted his neck then moved on up to the boardwalk. “Dorieann? Let’s step inside and do some shoppin’.”

“Yer jus’ gonna leave Winkie out here by hisself?”

“He ain’t goin’ nowhere. If he’s dumb enough to try ridin’ Tarnation off it’s his body cast.” Townsfolk were gathering in the business doors to see the naked man in the street and chuckling. Not one person bothered Deputy Grennen, mostly because nobody knew he was back on the job. Seeing Dorie drop off of her own horse and tie her up she joined Sadie in jingling the front doorbell. Wilbur Carlyle stepped from his stockroom in back and noted the arrival with steamed up glasses. Loretta joining in smiled brightly and brushed her man aside.

“Hello again, Miss L’Amour. Wearing clothing this time I ... see.” She noticed Ned Potter on the street naked. “Oh, goodness!” Another man’s penis although small made her fan her features. “May I ask ... why is there a naked man in the street?”

“Gettin’ ready to go loot huntin’ for the bank money. Mind if I run a short tab until Dorieann and I get back? Hey Willybur!” She tipped the brim of her hat. “I have money it’s jus’ not on me at the moment. I jus’ need a few vittles for an overnight in the desert. If ya need that money now jus’ stop over at the barbershop and Edward will pay ya. He’s, my accountant.”

“I believe we can accommodate you, Miss L’Amour. Your good deeds are worth our risk.”

“Thank ya Wilbur. Dorie? Fetch a dozen of those carrots.” Sadie then looked at jars along the shelving. “Beef jerky! Matches to build us a fire. Gumballs? They have those way out here? Hell to the YeSir.” She nabbed a hand full of the jar’s contents and then capped it. Dried peaches sounded good too.

“Sadie?”

“Hunky?”

“Ned is gonna blister with no clothes on.”

“We do sell olive oil if that helps.” Wilbur pointed out a bottle. “Why is he naked again?”

“Humiliatin’ him so he talks faster.” Sadie confided. “I’ll take that short poncho up there. He can wear that later on.”

“It will hardly cover the man.” Loretta swallowed.

“You complainin’ Loretta?” Sadie eased closer to Wilbur and whispered, “Word of advice? Start lovin’ on yer wife or things are gonna get hot tempered. Trust me on that.” Being near her he eyed her opened cleavage and whimpered, his dick rising to eavesdrop. “Put that to use.” A wink later she grabbed a second canteen for Dorie and a third for Ned to hang around his neck. Four cans of beans she looked around but found no potato chips. “Need anythin’ else Dorie?”

“You don’t have no saddle bag. How are you plannin’ on carrying all this food? I didn’t think to grab one.”

“Can I borrow one ‘til Dooley makes me one?” Sadie really hadn’t thought ahead as well as she should have. Loretta insisted on two, one for each woman, stepping to the riding equipment that they sold. “Rifle holster too.” Dorie had hers so Sadie just used it for herself. Even that was still outside where Ned could have tried to utilize it, but he was too terrified, even peeing in the street to further laughter. “I’ll buy the rifle sheath.”

“Bunk rolls?”

“How long we plannin’ on bein’ gone Sadie?”

“Could be a couple days I suppose. Pends on Ned.”

“Wilbur ... write it all down.” Loretta ordered her husband. Sighing he did just that. Sadie shrugged and just went for whatever was required. Bullets for her Winchester, although she had three clips inside her jacket for her Glock. Convinced she had enough Sadie called it. Turning with her things ready to head back outside she dropped her jaw.

“That Motherfucker!”

Tarnation had abandoned his stance and drug Ned up the street on a short walk, moving him directly in front of the jail. Within the jail the Dillsby gang saw out the window to witness Tarnation and then Ned walking by trying to keep up. Redmont Butler instantly started laughing. “What I tell ya about L’Amour’s horse. He’s got yer boy Ned showin’ off and she’s not even anywhere nearby.”

“She’s tryin’ to rile us.” Shep Dillsby mumbled, “Using Ned there to show she’s tough. Ned’s too stupid not to break.”

Deputy Grennen stood up from his desk and shook his head. “This ain’t gonna go good.”

Whispering to Sam Dillsby, his brother Spur grumbled, “Ned is gonna lead her right to our money.”

“Not right off. Ned can be weak but he’s strong enough to shush a good long while. Let’s hope Ma got our telegraph. Speakin’ of... “Hey Deputy? Did ya send our momma that message about us gettin’ arrested?”

“I did. She’s probably got it by now.”

“Much appreciated Deputy. Means a lot knowin’ our momma won’t learn of our hangin’ after the fact.”

“Welcome!” Ira limped and opened the door to see Ned begging him to put him back in his cell. A deafening whistle pierced the street and Tarnation whipped around and bolted for Sadie. The rope tightening up Ned was yanked off of his feet and drug through the dirt. Soft sand at least. The Butler gang busted up laughing, until there was a brawl in their confined space. Ira just let it happen. “Ain’t no skin off my teeth if ya strangle one another.”

Reaching Sadie and Dorie, the Carlyle’s stepping out of the store chuckling, Tarnation stopped cold in the middle of the street. He had dragged Ned right over his horse shit. Lifting his face up from the squashed turds Ned spit first, dry heaved, then hurled up a tsunami. Dorieann felt bad for him and took her handkerchief off and crouched in front of Ned’s face. Cleaning him off while Sadie packed up their things between both horses Dooley Finn came walking up with his gun over his shoulder. Steering clear of shit, he faced enough of that at the stables he walked over to Sadie and chuckled.

“Yer a crazy one lass.”

“Me? Blame Tarnation for the guided manure tour. He’s the one who gave a shit.”

“Don’t let my sister ... fall fer that fella. She’s ... never had a man and he was winkin’ at her. Jus’ look at her fawnin’ over him.”

“She can take him Dool! I’ve seen Hunky’s right cross.” She playfully boxed at the giant. “I’ll have her back in a day or so. Hey! Leather me up a matching saddle bag and brand that Diva Diablo on it.”

“Sendin’ O’Malley, the bill?”

“You know it. Speakin’ of ole’ Cyrus ... I’m thinkin’ a drive by is in order.”

“Good luck out there. Bring me sister home safe.”

“You have my word Dool. Do me a favor later on and ask yer lady friend Vera if Miss Millie fed her and the girls proper today. I made it clear they get fed three meals, not two. See to it.”

“Aye! Ye be a good Lassie, L’Amour.” A nod volunteered he moved on toward the jail to assist Deputy Ira Grennen.

“On yer feet Ned! Boot Hill is the other way.” Dorie helped him up even as he puckered for a kiss. Slapping him with a blush she told him, not until he took a bath. Smiling he actually believed she might like him. Rolling her eyes as she walked away, she shivered at the thought. Mounting her horse Sadie thanked the Carlyle’s and set Tarnation back into motion. Taking the only side street which led directly by Cyrus O’Malley’s mansion of a house they saw Boombasa carrying a small basket of fruit from O’Malley’s private orchard, if you could call it that. Apples and lemons mostly. Blueberries along a fence.

Cyrus sitting on his porch in a swing stood up in seeing them approach. Moving down his stairs he made his way to the gate but remained on his side. The odor of shit atrocious that was as far as he was willing to go.

“On our way-out jus’ like I promised O’Malley. Thank ya for Tarnation here and my new saddle. Dooley did a darn good job. You should give him a raise.”

“Why are you with Miss L’Amour?” Cyrus sneered at Dorieann. “Don’t you have work to do?”

“I asked her to join me.” Sadie took the blame. “I need me a second set of eyes out there. Helpin’ me keep Ned there in order too.” Seeing Boombasa aka the former slave Plumb wincing at her aching shoulder the girl dared to show Sadie lash marks from O’Malley’s late-night abuse before bedding her down. Keeping the knowledge to herself Sadie simply tilted her hat. “Nice to see ya again my old sailin’ companion.” A lie of being on the same slave ship bringing her to America covered her tracks. Cyrus had no idea what truth from fiction was. Cyrus looked back at Plumb and found her heading up the steps with her fruit basket.

“We best not lose our light any longer. If she makes a pie with that fruit save me a piece for when I bring back the loot.”

“An entire pie if you do.” Cyrus felt sociable as he shot a hellfire glare at poor naked Ned. “Get that man out of my sight.”

“Sir, yes Sir!” Sadie saluted him which Cyrus returned without thinking. Her reaction as well as reply made him wonder if she knew of his military career before moving out West. “Let’s stroll Ned. Get along lil’ doggystyle.”

“Jus’ shoot me! I’ll even put a tin can target on my head.”

“You know I’d hit the can, not yer noggin’.” Sadie smirked.

“Not if’n I jump up when ya shoot.”

Glances only! For now! Mostly at Sadie and Dorieann’s backsides spread tight in their saddles. Of course, when you’re also looking at the asses of two horses and praying there wouldn’t be any more bombs dropped the point was moot. Ned the led!

Dallas Texas, that very same morning. Five miles west.

“Rider coming in Mommy.”

Marka Dillsby, the baby in the clan of younger sisters called out loudly, left behind by worthless boys to take care of the family farm. She and her two other sisters who were outdoors tending to farm animals called out much the same. There would have been three if you counted the one that got away long-ago Mable Dillsby, but she went off on her own one night and never came back. Disappeared without a trace and no one had heard from her since. The kin believed her dead. Her aim was good in getting away from such lowlifes after her brothers made a name for themselves as outlaws, but things did not go quite as glamorous as she had planned. Her story another time, for now Marka joined her two sisters Madigan and Malarky, all of the females boasting that letter M just as the boys relied on S.

Hobbling outside of her home at the commotion was Momma Magdalene, better known as Magpie. The family dog Scurry began running and barking up a storm at the incoming intruder. With guns drawn by all three girls, the rider who was a young man, stopped his horse outside the large entry gate made of wooden planks and waved an envelope for them to see. Splitting up the girls spread out and kept their rifles trained on him as Marka crept up to his side to claim the paper.

“What you got there?” Marka winced up at young Billy Conroy, son of the telegraph operator in Dallas.

“Telegraph Miss Marka. I can tell ya what it says but yer momma best read it first. I was there when my daddy got the message.” He carefully leaned over to hand it down. “Yer looking nice today.” Dresses only as per momma’s wishes they always looked fancy even when they were dirt poor outside of their homestead. Their Pa, Scot Dillsby had passed away years ago but, in his will, left each child with enough to look presentable. The boys, not so much.

“Thank ya, Billy.” She intentionally dropped the note and bent to pick it up just so she could show off her bulging breasts. At just eighteen she wasn’t allowed to socialize so she took advantage while she could. Even with a reasonable 36C in the prickly pair department as her mother called them, she had to take this chance just for her own ego. “Oopsie!”

“Careful that might blow away.” Billy looked but tried his best to behave with the other ladies watching. Whispers resorted to avoid the other’s ears he apologized with a flirty tone, “Sorry! I don’t want blown away neither. If’n you ever make it to town, look me up.”

“Long as ya look me down.”

“I best get.” He hid his shy smile, “Yer momma is lookin’ cranky. Scurry there is spookin’ Beau here too.” In reaction to it Marka kicked her foot at the scroungy canine until he stopped barking and eased away whining. She was shocked that Billy even knew the dog’s name. Of course, up until the boys went all bandit the family was well-respected. Now, not so much, although the residents nearby knew what the boys did was not what the girls were. They couldn’t be quarantined into those hoodlums’ category just because they were kin. Beauty also kept most men charitable in some fashion when the ladies required something. Magpie of course, bartering as needed. Madigan the tomboy of the family walked on up to Marka and took the message, tearing it open with her teeth.

“You can go on Billy Conroy. No need to be thinkin’ you can court my sister.”

“He wasn’t!” Marka pouted leaning over Madigan’s shoulder to read the note. Maddy sighed heavily at what she deduced, “Yup! Billy was right. Momma should have read that first.” Marka turned and walked away wanting distance before her sister handed it to Magpie on the porch. Once Marka stepped away Madigan frowned at Billy then slyly tugged the front of her dress cleavage to show him a hint of her own prickly pairs.

“For the road.” She winked then took off toward her mother. Billy held his ground looking one last time at Malarky lowering her gun. With the ladies’ eyes away from Billy even Malarky shook her tits his way. Billy was riding off a happy man. He would stop just over the hill to beat off in his saddle. His horse kept on walking, uncaring what his owner did.

“Bad news Momma. The boys got arrested. They’re in a town called Sugar Plum. The deputy who sent the wire says they’re waitin’ on the judge to come to town.” Madigan handed it to her mother. “We goin’ to visit them?”

“They got themselves into that mess, they can get themselves out of it. Their father would roll over in his grave knowing how stupid they turned out.”