Episode 13: BLAZING StrADDLES

“COCK CAWWW! COCK CAWWWWW!”

“That’s not mockin’ no rooster Miss L’Amour. That sounds more like a crow.”

Young Broderick Neucomb joined Sadie at the rooftop window where she stood trying to discourage the daily alarm cock, the rooster Cogburn from his morning wail. Yes, you heard it right, Sadie laughed over the irony just as much, Rooster Cogburn and the Lady, all he needed was an eyepatch. Still naked Sadie closed down the window to at least tune out the feathered fiend. “I know that. I was jus’ makin’ Cogburn think he had competition was all. You headin’ home?”

“Yes’m! My baby brother Chester should be getting up by now. He’s going to have a fit if he finds me gone. If’n I’m fast I can duck into the barn to feed the critters and he won’t even know I was missin’.” Brody was putting his boots on standing up.

“I’ll walk ya down, I need to use the piss bucket anyways.” She opened the bedroom door, “Let’s leave the lovebird’s cock cawwin’ one last time before Curly needs to get back to Millie.” Edward was half asleep but heard her and did stir enough to look at Carlotta laying in his arms, her delightful fingernails playing amid his mass of chest hair.

“Yer not gonna get dressed?” Brody winced at Sadie in ready to head down the steps.

“Fine!” She steps back around him and goes to her large duffle bag and lifts her cowboy hat full of money, pouring it inside the bag. Placing her empty Stetson on her bed head, she returned to find Brody in awe. “Will you jus’ go before I do. I can’t hold my bladder much longer. Too much whiskey frisky.” She hurried him along to the bottom step, Brody following her into the back room to use the bucket. Watching her squat and urinate was intriguing to the learning lad.

“So, that’s where yer pee hole is. I always wondered. I never wanted to ask Uncle Brutus for fear he’d hit me upside the noggin.” Done tinkling Sadie patted her bikini area as if trying to dry herself before standing tall. “Sorry if I’m a mite flushed watchin’ ya.”

“So that’s how ya flush this toilet.” She smirked then picked the bucket up by the handle then paused, “You need to use the faciliTEASE before I mud up the back alley, Brodside?”

“No ma’am, I can whip it out on my way home. It’s over the hill where nobody can see me.”

“Unlock that back door then, and you can be on yer way.”

“I can go dump it if’n you don’t wanna be seen without no clothes.”

“Brody? I don’t care who sees me. They all think I’m one of two things ... sexy as fuck, or crazy. Might as well prove I’m both.”

“I don’t think yer crazy. Miss L’Amore?” He unbolted the back door and opened it like a gentleman for her. “Do you really think I should try’n get to know Esther Crowley? I surely don’t want to offend her none, nor her pa and ma.”

“Be courteous and helpful Brody, jus’ don’t overdo it and look obvious. Offer her daddy some help and ask if he can teach you a trade. You can eyeball Esther but don’t let her parents know you wanna jump her petticoat function. Take that part nice an slow, you can wink and all to let her know yer interested, jus’ don’t walk right up and grab the poor girl.” Sadie took the back steps down and found the sewer trench Edward had dug out back in the alley. Many other businesses had similar holes, so this was really no big thing to anyone. Peering down the alley she spotted someone she hadn’t met yet. “Who’s that there?” She tipped her hat up and poured her bucket.

“Oh! That there’s Mrs. Loretta Carlyle. She and her husband Wilbur own the mercantile. She sure is eyeballin’ you fer bein’ nekkid.”

“No, she’s eyeballin’ you fer bein’ with me while nekkid.” She laughed, “You best get on before yer the latest rumor. We don’t want Esther and her folks gettin’ the wrong idea.”

“So not wrong Miss L’Amore. Can I come visit you again?”

“Better not Brody. I’ll likely be movin’ out of Edward’s now that he’s engaged. You might wanna keep that part to yerself until he talks to Millie and Alfred. Okay?”

“Yes’m! Thank you for a lovely time.”

“It was lovely. Now get on before I make you wear this bucket for a hat. Wedge it on yer head enough you can be a buckin’ bucket bronco.” Chuckling the boy took off into a sprint. Loretta Carlyle watched the young man turn out of the alley before taking a walk. Leaving the stores back porch she lifted her skirt off the sand and marched right up to Sadie. Cogburn up above her was looking down and being his annoying self.

“Miss L’Amour! Why are you outside without your clothing? That young man is at an impressionable age.”

“He snuck up on me when I was tippin’!” Luckily, Loretta had stepped out after the two of them were already talking, she hadn’t seen him come out of the barbershop. “I hear you own the mercantile. Loretta, right?”

“My husband does, and yes, Loretta Carlyle. I merely work there and order supplies. Can you ... please cover yourself.”

“Surely!” Bucket in front of her pussy, hat and arm over her breasts. “Better?”

“Hardly! I had heard you were a handful.” Loretta actually grinned before a scowl. “Thank you for saving the Sheriff and apprehending those outlaws.”

“That’s my job. Well, the apprehendin’ part. I’m no doctor but I did what I had to. I wonder if Tom’s awake yet.” A shrug between them they heard screams of pleasure overpowering Cogburn’s morning revival.

“Oh, for goodness’ sake Cogburn.” Loretta looked up with distaste, “Go on back to your hens.” As if obedient the rooster ceased fire and turned to strut out over the rooftops.

“Ya made that look easy. He surely doesn’t listen to me.”

“It appears your horse does. That was some show watching him sit in the street while you gave him an ear full. It was almost as if he were as human as you and I.”

“We jus’ came to an understandin’ is all. Mister O’Malley was gonna shoot him if he didn’t straighten up. The big fella seemed to understand me.”

“I heard you broke him at the stables. You are a fascinating woman, Miss L’Amour.” Loretta wavered, “Might I ask, why on earth would you defile such beauty with all of those tattooed critters?”

“Aww! Thank ya Loretta. Yer a mite purdy yerself if ya don’t mind my sayin’.” Blush!

“If only my husband would say that more often. The tattoos?” She pointed at her.

“In my line of work, I need to put fear in the enemy. The Dillsby’s call me the Devil’s daughter cuz of my tattoos. That and purdy much everything I do.”

“You are a bounty hunter then.”

“Yep! Until I find me a better job. Millie and Alfred are gonna hire me at the saloon to throw out unruly types fer a spell, until I move on that is. I need to wait on Tom and Mister O’Malley to secure my reward money. Grennen says the Judge will have to offer his blessing because I’m a woman to get the money.”

“It is out of the ordinary.” The screams from above intensifying Loretta winced, “What is Mister Pike up to?”

“He’s got Carlotta up there. I bought her for him fer the night. Seein’ as he’s lettin’ me use his shop to catch some shut eye when I need it. I might be movin’ out though, any ideas where I might find me a roof besides the saloon.”

“There is a boarding house at the far end of town. Only two rooms but they are quaint. It belongs to Mister Ramirez. He used to be a Padre until God told him otherwise. He lives a quiet life here all alone.”

“First time I’ve ever heard of God sayin’ ya better try yer hand at somethin’ more fire and brimstone.”

“That is true. He is a very nice man, very handsome, but please do not tell Wilbur I ... look.”

“Secrets safe with me Loretta and please call me Sadie.”

“Thank you, Sadie. If there is anything you might need from our store, please drop in.”

“I’ll do that. I best get Carlotta home before Millie charges me more.”

“Question? Were you like this ... up there ... with Mister Pike and Carlotta Dean?” Nude!

“Sure was! How ya think I pay my rent?” She winked. “I’m a gal with needs jus’ like, well, no offense ... you.”

“Oh! I wish my needs...” A deafening sigh she finishes her thought, “ ... it has been quite some time.” Loretta sighed, “I will not concern you with my marital woes.”

“Naw! Hey! You ever need to talk, I’m around fer at least another three weeks. Feel free to chat my ear off.” She puts her hat back on exposing her breasts again. Loretta lowered her gaze to take them in visually, those hand tattoos over her tits flipping off any voyeur disturbed her.

“Your rather large breasts ... hold up quite well.” Silly cone!

“God’s gift to gunfighters.” Sadie winked and waved goodbye, entering the barbershop and closing the door. Loretta peered around her vicinity for eyes then fanned her features with both hands.

“Goodness! I wonder if she might ... no, I couldn’t possibly ask such a thing.” Loretta Carlyle went on back to her store. Finding her husband Wilbur adjusting things on the shelves. Dusting with a feather duster she walked right up to him and attempted a kiss. “Wilbur?”

“Yes, my angel?”

“Lock the front door and let’s...” She wiggled her eyebrows trying to entice her man, “ ... just this once.”

“I’m truly not in the mood Loretta. I drank too much at the saloon last night. I daresay I have a hangover.” She looked straight down at his britches with a frown.

“Certainly, no hangover that might include me.” Dick rising to say good morning was not for her. A moment of thought she sighed, “I just saw Miss L’Amour out in the alley as naked as the day she was born.”

“Oh?” His eyes sparkled and his crotch blossomed outward with might.

“Why can you never do that for me? Maybe I should step outside like Miss L’Amour and let the whole town see me. I bet one of them might find me attractive.” She turned away in a huff! It was an intriguing idea.

Heading back upstairs Sadie found Edward and Carlotta getting dressed. A silence in the room Sadie went to her bag near the window and plucked it up. Hauling it to the bed she brushed the covers out in an effort to somewhat make it look tidier. It reeked of sex and her nostrils being as sensitive as they were made her wince. “Woooweeeee! We need to launder these sheets, Eddie.”

“Perhaps you might find time to do that while I open my business?” Silence ended.

“Yu Rang runs a laundry out of Mistress Millie’s back room where the tubs are.” Carlotta joined in, feeling guilty knowing she was responsible for quite a lot of said odors, “I could ... if ya pay for the services.”

“Yu Rang?” Sadie laughed, “That’s hilarious! I’m suspectin’ a Chinese fella?”

“A Chinese lady. Came to town by herself and stayed. She won’t be no dove though, so she just washes clothes.”

“I’ll have to say howdy to Miss Rang. Tell ole’ Alfred to run us a tab, I’ll settle that tonight or tomorrow. I need some clothing washed too but I’d rather do that myself. I don’t have much as it is.”

“I thought you were going to stop by the tailors and have some new clothing made.”

“I’ll have to do that in a day or three. I’m gonna go grab my new saddle if Dooley has it done and get Tarnation used to it. If he’s cooperative I’m gonna swipe Ned Potter from the jail and see if I can spook him into showin’ me where the towns money is hidden, O’Malley’s land deeds are in there too.”

Sadie put on her camisole, dirty and stained by sweat but cooler to wear seeing as the desert heat was already reaching into the high 80’s. Her leggings were lighter than her jeans too, so she opted to wear those again. “Hold yer noses. Man, these are rank.” Slipping them on she wished she had packed more clothing. Back on the Butte the assholes at Wyndham Dynamics gave her a whole wardrobe but she refused to wear any traditional era-based attire. No dresses for this gal!

“You may borrow one of my shirts, but again, I have only two more left.”

“I’m good Eddie but thanks for being thoughtful.”

“Sadie?” Tilly Ford, Sadie’s onboard A.I. whom was only a link to a real person spoke up in her thoughts. “You do realize that the nanites do keep your core body temperature cool during the day, and warm during the night, do you not?”

“So, that’s why I sometimes feel different. How’s come it don’t work every time?”

“You need to request it, Sadie. The nanites will respond as required.”

“Now ya tell me? I could have been glacier cool all this time?”

“I apologize Sadie, there is much you neglected to read back on the mesa in your time capsule.”

“I thought you was my owners manwell!” Manual!

“I will try to fill you in on other advantages, but when you return to the mesa you really should read more. I’m certain I might forget things.”

“Eddie? Can I trust you with my money here? Yer welcome to use some for breakfast. Make sure Carlotta and the gals eat, don’t let Millie be stingy.”

“Of course! I am ever your faithful friend Sadie.”

“Thanks Cockney! Carlotta? You can’t stop smilin’ can ya?”

“I am very happy. I never imagined anyone to want to marry me.”

“Well, you got yerself a good man Curley. I’m truly happy fer you two. Don’t you let Millie and Alfred talk you out of yer nuptials. Matter of fact, if you two get married while I’m in town I’ll be yer bridesmaid, unless ya want Vera or one of the other girls to do that.”

“What’s a bridesmaid? Does she get to move in with us and be our maid?”

“Boy you ask a lot of questions.” Sadie chuckled, “No! A bridesmaid just stands up there with you like moral support. the groomsman hands the ring to the groom.”

“So, I’m marrying the groomsman too? Is he handsome?”

“Curley, Curley, Curley! We’ll talk all about that when I get back to town.”

“This reminds me.” Edward falters a bit, “I do not have a wedding ring.” This made Carlotta pout as if he had changed his mind already.

“Relax! I think I can help ya.” She patted her belly button jewelry then removes it. “Here! Keep a hold of this, it’s a real diamond setting. Don’t you lose that now, I can’t help if you do. I’ll get the blacksmith to forge a small band for her finger and put that gemstone into it.”

“Sadie?” Tilly cleared her throat, “Please stop deviating the timeline.”

“Shush it Tilly. I’m doing what I want. That there twinkly diamond existed in this timeline somewhere in the ground so that can’t be too harmful. Besides, it’s likely gonna get buried with her someday. Back in the ground.”

“Perhaps! Fine, I’ll stay out of it.”

“Good call Ford Farlane.” Tilly’s last name was Ford. “Yer drivin’ me on the wrong side of the road.” Crazy Lane!

“Fairlane? Oh, I get it. Forget I brought it up.”

Holster applied to her hips and her Glock installed rather than her Colt Edward eyed the strange looking pistol. “Don’t ask! I had it made special for me.”

“Ah! As long as it shoots.”

“Better than my Colt here. Y’know what? I’m gonna leave this for you. My gut says you don’t even own a gun, do ya?”

“I did! Until I nearly shot my foot off.”

“Yeah?” She retrieves the Colt and unloads it. “Paperweight it is.” Carlotta giggled over it. “You best walk yer bride on home and grab a bite before you open up for scalpin’.”

“Yes! I will have a customer within the hour.” Fingers crossed! Money was getting tight. “Come beloved.”

“She did that all night. Hell, Loretta Carlyle heard you two.”

“Oh Lord! I will never ... NO! I will not live for others. Well, just for Carlotta here.”

“He’s a keeper!” Boots and hat on, Sadie took just enough money of Red Butler’s stash to buy a few snacks for the road. Hopefully the mercantile had potato chips. Probably not, but she was craving a Lays. Stripping the bed Sadie and Carlotta took the sheets and blanket downstairs. Out the front door into the morning sunlight they went. After locking up Sadie handed Edward the sheets.

“Fill yer bellies. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Oh, and Eddie? I think I’m gonna bunk at the Padres boarding house up the street. Loretta let me in on that. I think I have enough money for a spell now. ‘Tween what I got upstairs and whatever Millie pays me for bouncin’.” A hop in step her breasts were playing hot poTATA! Her words!

“I thought you intended to leave tomorrow. Will you be back before leaving town?”

“Changed my mind! Doubt it! You two just keep on making goo goo eyes at one another. Take things slow around Millie until I get home to back you two up, in case she doesn’t want to give Carlotta up easily.”

“She will not be happy.”

“Momma birds usually boot the babies out of their nest sooner or later. I’ll deal with her. I’m off to see if Sheriff Barrett or Grennen is awake so I can borrow Ned Potter later. See y’all soon.” Boots clicking on the walkway Sadie left the lovebirds behind. They were so cute together.

“Knock! Knock!”

Sadie Lynn Outlaw had taken the stairs up to Doctor Mayfair Hollister’s office and infirmary. Looking through the door she saw Deputy Ira Grennen still on the operating table but covered up. “No way is Ira sucking his thumb.” She had to grin at Grennen. Stepping from his bedroom the good Doctor was still in his sleeping gown. Seeing her in the window of his door he paused her to allow him to go put on some trousers and an unbuttoned dress shirt over a thin under tank. Eyeglasses on as well, he unlocked his door to let her in.

“Mornin’ Doc! How’s our patients?”

“Ira will be fine. Tom will need a few days off of his feet I’m afraid, but he is resting nicely.”

“Good to hear. Need me to carry Grennon on home?”

“I intended to enquire if Brutus might.”

“Deputy Kinkaid is prolly sleeping in the jail by now. Long night!”

“I can hear you two babblin’.” Ira spoke without looking, wiping his wet thumb on his sheet. “Just help me down the stairs and to the jail, I can let Brutus go on home for a rest.”

“Are you sure yer up to it Ira?” Sadie approached him and saw morning wood tenting his sheet. “Yup! He’s up!” Doc hid his smirk from Ira but stepped over to his other side.