Part 3

Entry 27 - A Few Improvements, and One Tragedy

I can’t believe I’ve been here so long. I was thirteen when I got here, and now I’m just a few months away from turning fifteen. Adrian is five months old. He’s gonna be a chubby kid like me. I’m also three months pregnant with my second baby.

It’s been a hard year, but we’ve made some headway in improving our lives here. With some help from the farmer’s wife, we all managed to find ways to make the farm a bit more livable, ranging from finding and sharing new recipes to working together to build furniture for the mother barn. We also created an area for us mothers to get away from it all. It’s a small patch of grass at the edge of the farm with a few trees for shade. We call it “Haven”, which is fitting since it’s become the only place where we can find peace amongst the chaos. We usually spend our free time there talking, playing games, or just enjoying the fresh air.

The virus in the heifer barn is FINALLY over. They all survived but it was tough. It’s so sad to see them living in such conditions and always having to be on their guard. We mothers have made it a point to give the heifers extra support when we can, like offering advice or lending an ear to listen whenever they need it.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck again last week when Logan lost control of his temper and murdered one of the heifers, Lucy. She had been struggling with depression for months and Logan was the one who pushed her over the edge. She broke down sobbing. He told her that she was worthless and then proceeded to shoot her in cold blood in front of all of us. It was a harrowing experience that none of us will ever forget. The one silver lining was that the farmer chewed out Logan for killing her. She was a fat girl, the farmer’s favorite type, and he was planning to breed her that night. Even Logan isn’t above the farmer’s wrath.

Entry 28 - John and Cora

It’s been a few months since that awful day. Everyone is still reeling from the loss of Lucy, but we find solace in each other and focus on continuing to make Haven as comfortable as possible for us mothers. It’s become a safe space for us to relax and talk about our worries without fear of being judged or punished.

I’ve also noticed an improvement in conditions with the babies. We now have proper cribs and beds, which is much better than sleeping on the cold ground like we used to. I’m especially thrilled because baby John and his twin sister Cora are finally starting to show signs of progress. They were born prematurely when Hannah died during childbirth. Allie was the first one to volunteer to raise them and she dedicated her life to giving them all the love they needed to thrive. John and Cora are now almost a whole year old and it’s amazing to watch them grow. They look so happy and healthy despite all that happened in the past. They are growing into strong and independent little people who will hopefully be able to escape this nightmare someday. The only thing that worries me is that when John and Cora turn two, they will have to be taken away from Allie and sent to the children’s farm just like all the others. John and Cora already feel like family to me, and it breaks my heart to think of them being taken away. But I know that Allie has done an amazing job raising them and she knows what she must do to keep them safe. In the end, that’s all any of us can really do.

My sweet little friend Abigail will be giving birth any day now! She’s going to have a girl. I’m so excited to finally meet our newest little one. We have all been showering Abigail with love and support, helping her prepare for the big day. She’s nervous but she knows we are all here to help her through it. It’s amazing how far we’ve come in such a short amount of time. Even though life on this farm is still hard, at least now we can appreciate the small moments of joy that make our lives bearable.

Entry 29 - Amanda and Kat

Amanda and Kat have both been successfully bred and are living in the mother barn. Amanda is big and healthy, but I’m worried about Kat. She’s only ten. Just like Hannah. The fact that the farmer has no problem with breeding such young girls is disgusting and heartbreaking. I can’t help but think of what will happen to them once they have babies. They’re so young - too young for this life. They should be in school, learning and growing. Not here having their lives ripped away from them before they even get a chance to start.

I try my best to make sure the younger girls are taken care of and don’t feel alone. Allie has been helping Amanda adjust to her new situation, teaching her how to nurse and care for a baby. Meanwhile, Kat has found a confidant in Sarah who’s been trying to help her understand the changes her body is going through. We are all still here and we are working hard to make sure Amanda and Kat get as much support as they can while they’re here. I know it won’t be easy, but with everyone’s help and support, maybe these two brave girls can make it through this nightmare. We all hope that one day Amanda and Kat will find a way to freedom. Until then, we’ll do our best to keep them safe as long as we can.

Entry 30 - Baby Zola

Abigail had her baby! She’s a healthy, chunky little girl. She named her Zola. It’s bittersweet to see Abigail so happy with her new little one. I can’t help but wonder what life would have been like for Zola if she had been born on the outside. The fact that some of us can never escape this place is an awful reality that we face every day. We are reminded of it all the time. But somehow, through it all, these little babies bring us comfort and joy.

Allie and Sarah both offered their services as nurses and helped take care of Zola when needed. They took turns watching over the newborn while Abigail rested and recovered. All the mothers offered support in any way they could to make sure Zola was well taken care of and got the attention she deserved. Even the farmer’s wife is helping out! Abigail asked me to be Zola’s godmother. It was an honor and a privilege to be chosen as her godmother, and I will do my best to protect Zola and make sure she gets what she needs. It’s nice to see everyone coming together in the face of tragedy. Even when it seems like all hope is lost, we still find ways to comfort each other and make our days just a little bit brighter.

Entry 31 - Zola’s Baptism

Today was Zola’s baptism. It was a beautiful ceremony - the first one we’ve had since the big baptism a few months ago. Everyone came together to celebrate Zola’s new life and give her the warm welcome she deserves. The farmer’s wife was the one who provided supplies for the baptismal font. She even let us borrow some decorations to make it look extra special. I can’t believe she’s part of that evil family when she seems like she actually cares.

Allie, Sarah, and I all spoke about how much we loved Zola and what an honor it was to be a part of her baptism. We then passed the baby around so everyone could take turns holding her and giving her well wishes. It was such a beautiful moment, and it made me feel hopeful for the future. It’s nice to see how far we’ve come since I first arrived here. Back then, life on the farm was unbearable, but now we are building a small community of support and friendship. Despite our hardships and tragedies, we find ways to press forward and continue fighting for a better tomorrow.

Zola represents hope - the hope that our children will have a chance to escape this nightmare and grow up in a place where they are free and safe.

Entry 32 - The Loss of Hope

Zola got sick. We don’t know what it is, but it’s bad. She coughs all day and can’t keep any food down. Allie and Sarah have been taking turns staying up with her all night, but nothing seems to be helping. The farmer’s wife is refusing to take her to the hospital and won’t even let us callDr. Adrian. We are all doing our best to make her comfortable, but it’s getting worse by the day. It’s so heartbreaking to watch Zola suffer like this and not be able to do anything about it. Then today while Zola was having a coughing fit, the farmer’s wife came in and calmly took Zola right out of Abigail’s arms. Then she walked away. We all just stood there, stunned and unable to move. We knew she was taking Zola away for good. It felt like a blow to the gut - all our hope gone in an instant. I wanted to run after her, but I knew it would be pointless. All we could do was watch her leave with our tiny little angel.

No matter how nice she acts or pretends to care, she is not on our side. She may not be as mean on the outside, but she is just as evil.

I held Adrian extra tight as I nursed him. He was the only thing keeping me from breaking down. I looked at my belly and thought about the child growing inside me. Will they ever know freedom? I don’t want to think about it. I just want to keep hoping and believing that one day, all our children will be free. We can’t lose hope - not now, not after everything we’ve been through.

Entry 33 - Surviving

Abigail has been in a deep depression since little Zola got taken away. She refuses to move or eat. Tiffany has been trying to comfort her and convince her to keep fighting, but Abigail just won’t budge. She spends all of her days in the corner of the mother barn, staring off into nothingness.

“Abigail,” Tiffany said softly. “You know what Logan will do if you don’t start eating soon. Please, just try and take a few bites. For little Zola.”

If Abigail didn’t eat, she wouldn’t make milk. And if she didn’t make milk, it was off to the slaughter house.

Abigail is like a little sister to me. It was bad enough losing my god daughter, I can’t bear to lose her too.

Abigail finally looked up at Tiffany, tears in her eyes. “I’m so scared for her, Tiff. What if she never comes back? I don’t think I can take it.”

Tiffany sighed and pulled Abigail into a hug. “We just have to have faith that she will come back. In the meantime, you need to stay strong. You owe it to her to survive, so you both can be reunited one day.”

Abigail sniffled and nodded, her chin shaking with fear. Tiffany continued to comfort her, gently kissing her forehead. After a few moments of crying, Abigail pulled away from Tiffany and stood on shaky feet.

She wiped her tears away and bravely said, “You’re right. I need to make sure I am here when Zola returns. For her sake.” Tiffany smiled. “That’s my girl. Now let’s go get you something to eat.”

The two girls walked out of the mother barn and made their way towards the kitchen. As they walked, Tiffany put her arm around Abigail’s shoulders and whispered words of encouragement.

Later that night, I quietly asked Tiffany if she honestly believed Zola could come back, and she told me the horrible truth. The farmer kills sick babies. He drowns them in the kitchen sink or just slits their throats and tosses them in the garbage pile. I trembled at the thought, and Tiffany took me in her arms to comfort me. We both cried until we fell asleep. I already knew Zola was most likely dead, but now it was certain. But even though Zola was gone, I had to keep going.

For her sake, and for my own.

Entry 34 - The Birthday Party

Today was a dark day in the mother barn. Charlotte’s daughter, Mariana, turns two tomorrow. When I woke up this morning, Charlotte was holding Mariana and crying. I hugged them both and asked what was wrong. “I can’t believe my baby is going to be two tomorrow,” Charlotte said through her tears.”It feels like yesterday she was born. And now ... now she will have to be taken away from me.” My heart broke for Charlotte as I imagined the pain of having to say goodbye to your own child. Charlotte pulled away from Mariana and wiped the tears from her eyes. “But we can’t wallow in sadness all day,” she said with a sad smile. “Mariana has had enough doom and gloom for one lifetime. Today is about celebrating how far she has come and how special she is. We will make it the best day ever!” The other girls in the mother barn joined forces to create the perfect birthday party for Mariana. We decorated the walls with crepe paper and strung up colorful balloons the farmer’s wife gave us. Sarah even managed to sneak out and bring us some wildflowers which we spread around the floor. When Mariana walked into the barn, everyone cheered and sang “Happy Birthday” at the top of their lungs. She smiled and clapped her hands in delight. Tiffany handed her a gift which she opened eagerly - it was a tiny stuffed bear that Tiffany made herself. Mariana hugged it tightly and thanked Tiffany over and over again. We spent the rest of the day playing games and singing songs with Mariana. The time flew by too quickly and before we knew it, it was time for bed. As she kissed Mariana goodnight, Charlotte told her daughter how much she loved her and how proud she was of her. Mariana returned the sentiment with a tight hug, and I could tell Charlotte wanted to hold onto her forever. After Mariana went to sleep, the other girls gathered around Charlotte and held her while she cried. It was a grim reminder that I only have a year left with my precious Adrian.

Entry 35 - Meg

A new girl arrived at the heifer barn, so I went over to introduce myself. Her name is Meg. She’s fifteen. She’s also really fat. Her belly is so big it fold over on herself but her boobs are tiny. Her feet are huge, even bigger than mine. I introduced myself and told her everything she needed to know about the farm. To my surprise, she already knew all of it. Then she told me something even more shocking: she WANTS to be here! This was her choice. I was in complete shock. Why would anyone want be here of all places? I couldn’t understand it. So, I asked her why she chose to stay and this is what she told me: “My parents were always fighting about money and my mom had a drinking problem. We were so poor and I hated how ashamed they were of me. They thought I was a burden because of my size. That’s why when the farmer came by offering us money for me to come here, I jumped at the chance. Now, I get to eat as much as I want and relax without worrying about going hungry or getting yelled at. Plus, I’ll make money for my family so maybe they can finally have some peace.” I hugged Meg and told her that while this place may not be perfect, we could still try to make the most of it together. She smiled, thanked me, and said that she already felt more at home than she ever did with her family. She’s at the breeding barn right now. Maybe she’ll be moving in with us soon. I guess only time will tell.

Entry 36 - Greta

We’re all worried for Greta. She’s fourteen and they’ve been trying to breed her since she got here, but she just hasn’t been able to get pregnant. The farmer is getting more and more impatient with her every day. He’s threatened to slaughter her if she doesn’t conceive soon. Just like Emily. We’ve all been trying to help her, but she doesn’t seem interested in our advice. She’s so quiet and withdrawn. We almost never see her eat or talk to anyone. It’s like she’s just waiting for the inevitable. Last night, I decided to go sit with Greta in the heifer barn and try to get her to open up. When I got there, she was lying on her bed facing the wall. I softly said her name, but she didn’t respond. I tried a few more times before finally giving up and turning to leave. But then, something made me hesitate. I turned back around and sat down beside her bed. “Greta,” I said again, this time with a little more force. She stirred slightly, and I could see tears streaming down her face. “Leave me alone,” she whispered, her voice strained from crying. I sighed and scooted closer until we were shoulder to shoulder. “I know you’re scared, G,” I told her gently. “We all are. But if we keep fighting, keep believing, maybe things will work out okay.” At that, she rolled onto her side and looked at me through teary eyes. “What if they don’t?” she asked, her voice trembling. “What if it’s too late for me?” “It’s not too late,” I insisted. “You still have a chance to make it out of here alive. You can do this, Greta. I believe in you.” We sat there together for what felt like hours. Eventually, Greta was able to stop crying and start talking. By the end of our conversation, she was smiling and seemed much less worried about the future. I hate that her survival depends on carrying those monsters’ child. They see us as animals. If we can’t be bred or milked, we’re useless. But Greta isn’t useless, and neither are any of us. We all have value, regardless of how the farm sees us. I’ll keep standing by her side until she’s able to stand on her own again.