Chapter 3

Tuesday 17 May 2022

On her way to Uni, Larissa called Steph – how was she doing? Not quite so well. Covid symptoms had picked up just a tick, and Rachel was starting to feel like a handful. But there was something else: she just didn’t feel right. Right where the baby was. But then, while she was talking to Larissa, she talked herself out of that, and insisted it was fine. She was just over-reacting to Covid. And the situation with Xander.

None of that made Larissa at all happy, but she sucked it up and didn’t say anything. She sent Steph a message mid-morning in a break between her lectures, and then later got a response saying the Steph had slept with Rachel, and she was OK.

Then, early afternoon, after one of her prac classes, she called Steph to see how it was going. And this time the answer was that it wasn’t going well at all. And it wasn’t covid. The feeling that something was wrong with the baby was back, and it was strong, and Steph was in a tizzy, second guessing herself. Shit that was bad. Very bad, and Larissa felt a hard knot of terror in the pit of her stomach. But she knew exactly what she had to do, and she was on her bike a minute later heading straight for Steph’s place.

Twenty minutes later, Steph was bawling in her arms. Carefully, Larissa took Rachel from her, and held Rachel and Steph at the same time and just let Steph go for it. When Steph slowed, Larissa walked her through why she was feeling that way. She didn’t learn much, just that it felt wrong inside her. Maybe. Unless it was supposed to feel like this? Or maybe it was just feeling wrong because she felt it was wrong? While Larissa held Steph, she prayed that it was all going to be OK. It just had to be, she felt really strongly about that.

Larissa called Michelle and explained what was happening. Michelle said that sometimes these feelings were just worrying in a positive feedback loop, maybe prompted by Covid, and sometimes they were real, and the only way to decide and/or break the loop was to get an ultrasound of the baby, and since Steph had covid, the only place Steph could do that anywhere nearby was at the hospital where Michelle worked. Michelle could blow off her lectures for the rest of the day, and meet them there, as soon as they could get there. But Rachel couldn’t come with them. We’ll be there as soon as we can, Larissa told her.

Then she called Amelia, who answered straight away. “Hi Amelia, I’m with Steph and we’ve got a problem here. Steph’s not feeling right about the baby.” She could hear Amelia’s feelings about that clearly – panic, terror, the same feelings as Larissa. “We need to go get an ultrasound to set her mind at rest, but since Steph’s got Covid, we can only go to one place, and Rachel can’t go with us.”

Through her crying, Amelia said, “I will be there in twenty-five minutes,” and she could hear that Amelia was already running.

“But she’s outside her twelve-week safety period,” Steph said. “She can’t come here.”

“Steph, some things are way more important than Covid. Amelia values you way more than that.”

While they were waiting for Amelia, Larissa kept Steph busy by packing her bag. Steph could hardly think and kept trying to organise things for Rachel, but Larissa knew that Amelia at home with Rachel would be 100% fine. Maybe this would be the end of breastfeeding, but that was close anyway. But Steph just couldn’t function, so Larissa organised her each step of the way. Clothes, bathroom stuff, masks, breastfeeding gear, pads. She didn’t say anything, but she made sure they packed for all possible outcomes, no matter how much she was terrified of them.

The only thing Steph was very clear about: she didn’t want them to tell anyone else. It’d destroy Xander’s mind to be stuck in Sydney while this was happening. For now, Larissa let that slide. When Amelia arrived, they were ready.

Amelia had an ashen face, and a grim expression, but she’d managed to stop herself from crying. “I’ll look after Rachel. As long as I need to. Don’t worry about anything here, you go and do what you have to do,” she said to Steph. “I’m praying for a good outcome.”

Larissa drove Steph, only twenty minutes, and then she dropped Steph at the front door and went off to find a park. When she came back, Steph was standing right where she’d dropped her, in the drizzle, a blank look on her face.

When they tried to enter the hospital, they discovered that the covid entry for the birthing suites was around the other side of the hospital, so they had to walk around it. Steph was definitely tiring quickly, and once they stopped for Steph to have a breather. Michelle was waiting for them at the door, fully kitted out in PPE. She got Larissa outfitted in the same PPE, and Larissa didn’t bother talking about how she was in her twelve week grace period: hospitals had hospital procedures and that was how it was. Then Michelle guided Steph straight into a room down the hallway, just a bed and a machine.

“Wow. How much time did you just save us?” Larissa asked Michelle.

“I’m not sure. It’s quieter than I expected, but maybe a few hours. Steph, up on the bed, and let’s see your tummy.”

As soon as Michelle got the probe on Steph’s stomach, Larissa knew. And Michelle knew. And Steph did too. The baby was dead: no heartbeat.

Steph’s wails of despair were heartbreaking. And they matched exactly how Larissa felt, like the bottom had dropped out of her life. Larissa and Michelle both held her while she cried, and shed their own tears freely. So much for the prayers. Eventually, Steph stopped crying. “It can’t be a mistake, can it?”

Michelle gave her a compassionate look, and put the probe back on her tummy. No mistake, the form of the baby was clear, but there was no action where the heart would be. Larissa had done enough animal ultrasounds to be sure about that. “Still, I’ll have to get a doctor to check. I’ll go and find a doctor to talk to you, and about what your options are.”

Steph fell apart after Michelle left, an incoherent series of blubbings that sounded exactly like Larissa felt, and she held on and loved Steph as much as she could. But the very biggest problem became crystal clear: Xander was stuck in Sydney. That might do Xander’s mind in, but it was already doing Steph’s mind in, that was obvious.

Larissa decided that she was taking matters into her own hands on that. She sent a message to Julian while Steph cried.

✉ Larissa: We have a disaster here. Please reply ASAP and don’t call
✉ Julian: Oh no, what?
✉ Larissa: Steph is losing the baby. No heartbeat. We just found out, and she’s a complete mess
✉ Julian: Oh no. That’s ... that’s really really awful. Are you OK?
✉ Larissa: No, but that can wait. I need you to do something
✉ Julian: Anything
✉ Larissa: Get our car, and drive to Sydney. Now
✉ Julian: Get Xander? On it. Call me when you get a chance. I’ll get him back ASAP
✉ Larissa: Thanks. Don’t talk to Xander. We haven’t told him yet

What she just asked Julian to do was illegal. And really, he could get in big legal trouble, based on the old laws passed during the stringent lock downs of the year before. But who’d check now? And even if they were somehow caught, as long as he was careful with PPE etc, it should be OK. Flying, on the other hand ... no. It might take a few hours longer, but she knew Julian, he’d stop for nothing on this trip. He could have Xander here at the hospital by ... maybe mid-morning tomorrow. It’d be something.

She watched Julian’s location on her phone. He was in their car heading north before Steph stopped crying. No, wait, he was going back to Steph’s place?

✉ Julian: OK. On the road. Layna’s coming too. Give me an update later

She knew they really would stop for nothing now.

Soon after, a doctor came in with Michelle. Steph pulled herself together and listened. Yes, the doctor confirmed, there was no heartbeat. The viable pregnancy was over, no question. Steph had three choices: she could get induced now, and give birth to the dead baby, or she could wait to see when the baby aborted spontaneously. Or, if nothing had happened in a couple of weeks, maybe they’d look at surgical options, but they weren’t on the table at all with her having Covid. Risky at the best of times, let alone with Covid.

Larissa listened to this with a sinking heart, though she’d thought it had already gone down as far as it could go. What a thoroughly horrible set of choices. Steph responded accordingly, just miserable. Shell-shocked, that might be the right words. Then the doctor said that unfortunately they really needed their ultrasound room back, but there was a room down the back they could have while Steph considered her options.

Michelle and Larissa just about carried Steph to the room they’d assigned to her. Larissa could see that everyone took one glance at Steph and knew what had happened, and she got very compassionate looks, even through all the PPE that everyone was wearing.

Once in the room, Steph cried some more. When she settled, she said quietly, “I just can’t cope without Xander here. Larissa, I love you but I need him.”

“I know. And I already decided I wasn’t waiting on that one. Julian’s already on the way to Sydney in our car. I figure we can get him back here by mid-morning tomorrow.” Steph looked at her in astonishment. But she could also see Steph pick her soul up off the floor. Larissa nodded at her. “Time to call him?” Steph agreed reluctantly. “Do you want us to stay or wait outside?” Steph wanted Larissa to keep holding her.

She called Xander on Steph’s phone, and gave it to Steph. Xander answered it immediately.

“X”, Steph said, and then just burst into tears. Larissa could hear Xander as well, and he waited and no doubt he already knew what she was going to say next. “X, the baby’s dead.” Then she was gone again. Xander was crying too. “I’m falling apart, X, I need you. Larissa’s holding me together but I need you.”

“I’m coming, love. I don’t know how but nothing will stop me.”

“X, Larissa already sorted that. Julian’s on the way in their car to pick you up now.”

Xander wanted to fly, but that’d have to be a private plane, and pulling that off ... it would probably be the next day anyway. And he had symptoms now too. So he could wait for Julian, he agreed. Once they had agreed about that, they talked about Steph’s options. Steph hated all of them but she really hated that she would carry the dead baby around inside her. Her mind revolted at that idea - it freaked her out completely. And Larissa felt that too. Xander and Steph agreed: Induce labour as soon as possible, and Larissa would stay with Steph until Xander arrived.

“Are you OK with that?” Steph asked Larissa. “Don’t you have that dinner to go to?”

Larissa looked Steph in the eyes and said, “Nothing is more important than my relationship with my most special sister. I’m not going anywhere until Xander is holding you tight, and I’ll be with you for any delivery you have to do, whatever the circumstances.”

That made Steph cry again, but it wasn’t the agonising pain she’d had before.

“So I should go tell the doctor?” Michelle asked. Yes, so she went off to do that.

“OK. Can we tell family now?” Larissa asked Steph. Yes, whatever. Nothing mattered now. Right; managing Steph’s mental state and getting her to deliver the baby in her covid state ... going to be her primary challenge for the next however many hours it took. Larissa took a deep breath and decided that for now, she was just going to tell immediate family. She called Amelia.

“Hi Amelia. Sorry to tell you, but we’ve lost the baby.”

Amelia had already figured that out. She talked to Steph briefly, Rachel was fine, and not to worry, Amelia had all the time in the world to look after Rachel, and her heart was breaking for her sister, and Steph could call and talk to Amelia whenever she needed to hear about Rachel. Right on, Larissa thought to herself, that’s my first cheer-up choice for Steph, and she messaged Amelia to tell her that she’d call for a Rachel update anytime Steph needed cheering up. Well, beyond talking to Xander, who was still on the phone and listened to all the conversation with Amelia.

Then she called Julian, and filled him on the details. “Xander knows now, in fact he’s listening on the other phone. You want to talk to Steph?” Julian did, quickly, telling her that he wasn’t going to stop for anything and he’d bring Xander to her as soon as possible, not a minute wasted.

“Don’t you need to sleep sometime?” Steph asked him.

“Oh, I have a second driver, Layna’s with me.”

“How come that happened?” Larissa asked him.

“Well, I was in a meeting, and I simply got up and walked out and said I was fetching something, and I’d back sometime tomorrow. Layna listened to my tone and figured it out and called me and said that if I was doing a mercy mission for Steph then she was coming too.”

Yes, that was exactly what she should expect from Layna. And tomorrow that might be a problem, but that was for tomorrow. It seemed a very, very long way away right now. Layna said hello at that point – logical, since Julian was on the car speaker – and said that her heart was bleeding for Steph, and she was glad she could help Julian make sure they didn’t lose a minute. Larissa knew that the three of them were super close, so she let Layna, Xander and Steph have a three-way conversation for quite a few minutes that Julian and she just listened to. Doing it that way was kind of super dumb, and she kept getting the urge to turn into in a proper three-way call but doing it this way forced Steph to lead it, and right now that was good for Steph.

Then her phone beeped a calendar reminder, and she realised she needed her phone back. Once she had it, she called her dean, because she had a meeting with him right now to review what she would say on Friday morning. He didn’t answer, so she sent him a message:

✉ Larissa: Can’t make today’s meeting – family emergency, sorry
✉ Dean (a few minutes later): Oh no. You OK?
✉ Larissa: Y. In Hospital helping my sister
✉ Dean: OK. Focus on that and we’ll sort something out when you have time. Good luck!

Luck ... no. This was horrible, but almost all outcomes ended in the same place, sad but not bad. Still, they had to go through the process yet.

Right. Time for another hard call. Steph wanted to but couldn’t do it, so Larissa had to. Time to call Sophie. It was later afternoon now, so she expected Sophie to answer, and she did. They were having a great time, she could hear in Sophie’s voice. In fact, it sounded like they’d just finished a round in bed after fun on the beach. James was there listening in the background. Once Sophie had gotten over her initial excitement, she asked why Larissa had called.

“Mum, I have very bad news for you, sorry. I’m here at the hospital with Steph.”

“Oh, no.” She could hear it in Sophie’s voice too, she knew. And she was crying immediately – that some pit of despair Larissa had.

“Yes, the baby. There’s no heartbeat.”

“Oh, poor Steph! She’s there, listening, right?”

“Yes. She’s not doing well, and she couldn’t tell you, but she’s listening in.”

“Xander! He’s stuck in Sydney. Oh no!”

“Yes, that’s a big disaster. Julian’s on the way to Sydney now to sneak him out by road.”

“Good. We’re coming home as soon as we can too. Dad has already started booking our flights back.”

Steph’s face crumpled. “No! I don’t want to ruin their holiday.”

Sophie heard that. “Steph, what would ruin our holiday is sitting on the beach with this happening. We can have another holiday. We don’t have another family, and we love you with every bit of our hearts. I’m sure you’re in great hands with Larissa there and Xander coming, but we’re coming home anyway.”

That started them talking, Steph agreeing that Larissa was her angel, and that she felt better with Xander coming, and then they had that same weird three way conversation with Steph in the middle.

This conversation only ended when Michelle came back with the doctor, who confirmed what Steph wanted to do: be induced immediately. Did Steph have her support structures in place? What about the father? The doctor listened to the explanation of how Xander was coming and simply said, “good.” Did Steph have any questions? The only question she had was whether there was any possibility she could see Rachel. The answer was that Rachel couldn’t come inside, but if Steph needed to go outside for a ‘smoke’ then that was allowed, and possible during the early phases of induction. But things could escalate quickly, so Steph wasn’t to go any further than the smoking area. Right, something else for Larissa to organise.

OK, the doctor said, time to push the go button. And she probably wouldn’t see Steph again, but she would be thinking of Steph, and it’s lovely how your family are supporting you.

When she’d left, Michelle produced a hospital gown and grinned and said, “time for everyone’s favourite!” Steph just shrugged and said, “Whatever.” But she did get up and use the toilet and sort her stuff a little when she undressed. Larissa found this encouraging: it was the first time that Steph had taken the lead on anything all day. By the time this was done, Michelle was back with the first medication. “I’m afraid this one goes in your vagina.”

Steph just shrugged and spread her legs. “Do whatever you have to do.” While Michelle was doing whatever, Larissa called Amelia.

“Hey, Amelia, the doctor says that Rachel isn’t allowed in here, but Steph’s allowed outside if she needs to smoke.”

“Right. And Rachel would just happen to be in the smoking area?” Larissa knew Amelia would figure that out.

“Yep. Are you up for getting Rachel kitted up for a night trip?”

“Sure. We can do that.”

“We?”

“Oh, Ross is with me here. I’ll get Ross to bring us.”

Hmm. Larissa hadn’t thought of that. “Actually, do you mind if we do something different? I’m about to call Jaiden and Asha, and they’ve got nothing to do. Can they bring you?”

“Oh, that’s a good idea. Sure, I’m happy with that.”

“Great. And go through Steph’s stuff and find a warm jacket or something.” Because keeping Steph warm while she breastfed outside in the cold evening was something Larissa had not imagined they’d need to pack for.

Then she called Asha. By this time, they were both home, so she got them both on the call and told them what had happened. And she was right – they were crushed, but giving them something to do gave them a focus.

Michelle said she’d back, and then it was just the two of them, no one on the phone, first time for ages. Larissa hugged Steph tight, and gathered her strength.

“I’m glad you’re here with me, Larissa, at what feels like the end of all things,” Steph said. “I don’t know what would’ve happened if I couldn’t dump everything on you and fall apart while you saved me.”

Larissa smiled at her and kissed her. “If there’s one time a woman’s allowed to completely and utterly fall apart, it’s when her baby dies. I’m just happy I could help when you needed it. And it’s not the end of all things, but you know, whatever else happens in your life, you can say, it’s not as bad as this.”