I really like my new journals. I bought four of them, each with a different cover. So now I can stay here for months and months with no worries. Ha ha ha! In fact, now that I know I have cell phone service I feel more at risk than before. Isn’t that strange? In town I bought a phone charger and charged up my phone, but I keep it turned off in case Logan calls. I fear he may drive up at any moment. In a way I want him to, and in a way I dread it. So I look for things to do to take my mind off everything. I explored the shed out back. Such wonderful earthy smells. Some nice tools, though I have no idea what they’re called or what they’re for.

I went for a really long walk down the dead end road. Miles of nothing but woods and fields. Some driveways leading up to who knows what. Old barns at the crests of the hills. Lots of pretty wildflowers. A hawk circling overhead. Probably searching for a mouse or baby bunny. Twice during my walk I startled bunnies out of the weeds. Cute little bundles of fluff.

I went through Logan’s messages again. In one of them he asked what I’m doing up here. Fuck if I know. Running away, I guess, but from what isn’t clear. What am I doing? Making a list of memorable fucks.

I thought of another strange one. Strange because it didn’t really involve me at all. Maybe it was my first fuck. I was walking home from school one day, it must have been spring, and I saw something bright blue off in the weeds. I thought it was a wildflower at first, but I got closer and saw it was a bright blue envelope. I picked it up. Inside was a letter and some kind of token made of wood. The letter was just one page. I read it over and over over the next few months, so now I think I can remember it word for word.

Darling
You made me feel so good last night. I’ve never come so much. My cunt aches for your cock. Your lovely lovely lovely cock. I need it in me so bad! I need you to fuck me so bad! I don’t think I can last until Wednesday. Can we meet at the same place?
Your Julia

I kept the envelope with the letter and token hidden in my desk, but I was so worried my mom would find it. I couldn’t stop wondering who these people were. I wondered why the letter had been tossed away. I couldn’t stop thinking about Julia and her lover having sex. Not having had any experience with sex, I didn’t really picture anything explicit. Amorphous though it was, it swamped my mind like some sort of sexual cloud. The words, those strong sex words, pierced through everything. Cunt, cock, fuck—I didn’t know people, especially women, could write such things.

I kind of wish I’d saved the letter, but a few days before high school started, I went for a walk and crumpled up the letter and tossed it into the same field where I’d found it a few months before. A week later, walking home from school, I looked for it, but I couldn’t find it.