My Rape Adjacent Origin

wrote this originally because an online friend I chatted with encouraged me to share my experiences online. My “origin” story wasn’t exactly rape, not to me, but it was rape adjacent. I was 19 when I wrote this, but growing up, my home was very high pressure. My parents were both self-made, from poor families, and through extremely hard work, had done very well. Not rich rich, but money was never an issue either. So, growing up, there had always been an expectation put on me. Not to try to succeed and do my best, but to succeed and be the best. My last B was in the 3rd grade and I got in trouble for it. I still remember being screamed at for it. I’ve had panic attacks over my grades. My mom was upset when I didn’t graduate at top of my class in high school. It wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough. Nothing I did was.

As you might imagine, that stress tore at me, and when I hit puberty, I found ways to release it. Masturbation was my primary release; sometimes so much that I was sore. It still wasn’t enough of an escape, and as I approached thirteen, I started playing online. It’s scary how easy it is to get attention online at that age in chat rooms. In those chat rooms, I found something that helped me escape more than anything else. Assholes and mean guys wanting to tear me apart. There were guys my age, older nice Daddies, and I liked the latter. But the mean men, they helped me escape. They wanted to rape, use, and abuse me. I don’t know why, but something clicked and I went from mostly weak orgasms to body-shaking ones as they told me how they wanted to hurt me. That I was trash, and that I was nothing to them.