It had been a hard five years for me and my daughter Julia. Becky had died quite unexpectedly ... we only discovered she had cancer 6 months before she was gone. Hardly enough time to even get her to any kind of treatment, much less have it do any good. I tried to shield Julia from what her mother was going through as much as I could – an eight year old little girl shouldn’t have to know how badly life can suck. But Julia was a smart kid and I’m not sure even today how successful I was at it.

After Becky passed, I did the best I could to make up for the loss ... trying to be both mother and father is a tough act to follow, though. I spent as much time as I could with her naturally, and my job was very generous in giving me time after the funeral to come to terms with everything.

But eventually I had to go back to work, there were still bills to pay and groceries that needed to be bought. I found a woman who would babysit Julia after school until I got home and luckily for us she lived just a few houses down from us too. She knew Becky and came over a few days after the funeral to offer any help she could to us.

Raising a little girl isn’t easy for any guy, and Julia was especially hard because she was not just smart, she was a “girlie girl” – she loved tea parties and dolls and all the frilly little girl things that men know little about. Julia had a couple little friends that she played with a lot and that kept me from having to show my ignorance in tea party protocol too much!

But now Julia was getting into her teen years and I was NOT looking forward to that! I had always thought that Becky would be around to give her “the talk” about boys and sex, but now that job was going to rest with me. So far I had been able to dodge the chore, she still thought Daddy was the best husband she could have, but I knew that one day she would come to me with the news that all men fear from their daughters.

Julia and I managed somehow to make it through the day most days. She was a real help in doing chores and even helped with some of the cooking and dishwashing duties as she got a bit older. It is no stretch of the truth to say that if it hadn’t been for my little girl, this story would be considerably shorter and more tragic.

Julia had just started 3rd grade and had celebrated her 8th birthday a couple months before we got Becky’s diagnosis. And now five years later, she was in 7th grade and her first “parent-teacher conference” of the school year was fast approaching. I had been to a few previously and I didn’t worry about this one because Julia always did well in school (unlike her father!) and the teachers all seemed to love her. And I saw no reason why this one would be any different.

Julia brought home the note telling me when her particular conference time was scheduled and as soon as I got it, I made sure to clear the time with my job. Her teacher this year was Ms. Daniels and I asked Julia a little about her.

“Julia?” I said when I went into her room.

“Hi Daddy, do you need help?” she asked.

“No, I just wanted to talk to you about your teacher ... Ms. Daniels is it?”

“Yes, Daddy. Ms. Daniels. She is very nice. And she’s pretty too!” Julia added.

“Well, I’m glad she is nice, although pretty doesn’t really matter, so long as she is a good teacher,” I said.

“She is. I really like her and I think you will too, Daddy.”

“Well, we will see. I just found out today that I will be able to go to your conference,” I told her.

“That’s good. I can show you what I’ve been doing this year,” she said, beaming.

“And what class does Ms. Daniels teach?” I asked.

“She is my English teacher and my home room teacher,” she said. I knew from what Julia had told me, that English was her favorite and best subject, so I was looking forward to meeting with her teacher.

That night after dinner we did the dishes together, me washing and her drying. It was our regular routine and we both looked forward to it. It was one of our “bonding” times.

“Daddy, how come you never go out on dates?” she asked me out of the blue.

I turned to her, surprised at her question. “What?” I asked.

“How come you never go out on dates? I mean all you do is work and come home. I never see you go out and enjoy yourself or have fun. You should have fun Daddy,” she said.

“Well honey, your mother is kind of a hard act to follow. I loved her very much and no one can ever take her place in my heart,” I said.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean you have to just be a hermit and never enjoy anything anymore,” she said.

“I understand what you are saying sweetheart, and maybe you are right. But I haven’t dated in a long time and I wouldn’t even know where to start. Maybe someday I will meet someone, but for right now I have my girl right here doing dishes with me. I don’t know if I could handle two women at the same time!” I said, smiling at her and hoping to get off the subject quickly. I knew she was trying to help but...

“Oh, Daddy! Now you are just making fun of me!” she said with a little pout. I put a little blob of soapy bubbles on her nose and we giggled, lightening the mood.

Later that evening we were sitting on the sofa, watching some hokey old horror movie (she loves those corny predictable scary movies where you know exactly what is about to happen next!). She was cuddled next to me, waiting for the next time the deranged serial killer would jump out of the closet with a big knife and get the next hapless victim.

“Daddy, how do you meet somebody ... you know, to start dating?” she asked.

“What? Sweetheart does this have anything to do with what we were talking about earlier?” I asked.

“No, I was just wondering. I am going to be 13 soon, you know!” she said.

“Oh believe me, honey, I am painfully aware of how old you are and how big you are getting!” I said.

“Well, I was just wondering how you find someone to, you know, start dating,” she said.

“Is there someone in particular you are interested in, honey?” I asked, turning to look at her. This conversation had taken a decidedly concerning turn and my attention was no longer focused on the cliche’ horror movie.

“Well, there is this boy in school I kinda like, but only as a friend right now. I was just asking...” she said.

While she may have been just asking an innocent question, Julia had my heart in my throat and my blood pressure in triple digits! This was all happening too fast and I wasn’t prepared for this!

The next few days things on the dating front dissipated (thankfully) and we went back to father and little girl again. But I knew in the back of my head that my time as her favorite man was coming to an end. And that terrified me ... I hadn’t been on my own in a long time and wasn’t very good at it even then. What was I going to do the day I lost her too?

Before I knew it, the time for her parent-teacher conference had arrived. Julia was all kinds of excited and she laid out the clothes she wanted me to wear to her conference. She was so proud of her selection too, she beamed as she showed me.

“Here Daddy, I got your clothes out to wear when you meet my teacher tonight,” she said when I came home from work. She took my hand and led me into the bedroom. On my bed was my best suit, a freshly ironed shirt, my tie, and my best shoes.

“You want me to wear this?” I said. “I was just planning on wearing something comfortable!”

“No, Daddy! I want you to look really nice tonight. Now go in and take a shower, shave, and get ready to go!” she said.

Sometimes she sounds just like her mother did! I thought to myself smiling as I went off to “follow orders”.

Once we were ready, we headed off to her school. We arrived ahead of the conference time so she showed me around a little bit. We went to her locker and she showed me were it was and where her friend’s locker was. She showed me the cafeteria and the office. By then it was time to head to her classroom.

We entered her classroom and Ms. Daniels, her teacher, had her back to us at the moment. I looked at her and she seemed well dressed and professional from first glance. She had long blonde hair which she wore loose at that time (I didn’t know if that was her usual style or not) and she appeared to be younger – in my own school years I always seemed to have the old ladies as teachers!

“Hi Ms. Daniels, this is my Daddy!” Julia said. Ms. Daniels turned around and my world started spinning! I stood there in that classroom in a complete state of shock, my mind not believing what my eyes were seeing. I was seeing a ghost ... an apparition!

Ms. Daniels was a perfect copy of my beloved Becky! When I say perfect, I mean in every detail – every hair, every freckle, everything. The only way I would have been able to tell them apart if they stood together was that Ms. Daniels here was a little bit bigger in the bust area. But I wasn’t looking there at the moment – I was still dumbstruck at her face.

I knew it wasn’t Becky. I was there the day they put my Becky in the ground. And she hadn’t come back to me in five years except at night in my dreams. I knew this wasn’t her ... yet it was! I had to sit down before I fell down.

“Mr. Jackson, are you okay?” My mind finally cleared enough that I could hear Ms. Daniels speaking to me. God she even sounded like Becky!

“I ... uh ... Yeah ... I’m okay. I’m sorry but you ... you look ... exactly like my wife! Oh my God it’s incredible! It’s like I am seeing Becky all over again!” I said.

“Well, that would explain why you look so green around the gills and why you were touching my face!” she said, smiling.

“Was I? I’m sorry ... I wasn’t expecting this at all!” I said, now feeling sheepish.

“Well, if I look as much like her as you say, I can understand your reaction,” she said.

I reached back and took out my wallet. I still carried her picture with me, I didn’t have the heart to take it out even though it killed me every time I saw it. “Here is a picture of her. See what I mean?” I said handing her the old picture.

“Oh my God yes! I do look like your wife! Oh Mr. Jackson, I had no idea!” she said, nearly as stunned as I was. “Julia honey, can you take your father down the hall to the water fountain. I think he needs a moment to gather himself,” she said.

“Yes, Ms. Daniels,” Julia said, and we walked down the hall to the water fountain. “Are you okay, Daddy?” she asked me.

“Yeah, I’m okay now, sweetheart. I was ... I was just caught off-guard there for a little bit,” I said. After a little water and a few good deep breaths, I was ready to go back inside and talk about Julia’s schoolwork.

“Feeling better, Mr. Jackson?” she said as we returned to the classroom.

“Much better. And again, I’m sorry if I was inappropriate,” I said.

“No worries, Mr. Jackson, I understand. She handed me back Becky’s picture and I put my wallet away. Then we talked about the subject at hand. As I figured, Julia was doing great in Ms. Daniels class as well as her others. Julia had always liked school and it liked her (fortunately Julie had her mother’s brains!).

After the conference, Julia and I drove home. I was still a bit bewildered by the experience and I didn’t talk much on the way home. Julia took note of my uncomfortable silence and didn’t try to engage me until we had gotten home and settled in for the evening.

“So what did you think of my school, Daddy?” she said. I knew what she meant. It wasn’t the school she was concerned with so much as it was her teacher.

“Your ‘school’ was very nice, young lady! Don’t think that I don’t know what you are up to!” I said chuckling. “But thank you for trying.”

A couple days later Julia came home from school with a note from her teacher. It was in a sealed envelope and Julia handed it to me. “Daddy here is a note from school. I don’t know what it’s about, the school just sent it home with me,” she said.

“Okay thanks. I’ll have a look at it in a minute. Go get changed and wash up for dinner,” I told her. Julia did as I told her and went to change out of her school clothes. I opened the envelope and read the note.

Mr. Jackson,

I couldn’t help thinking about what happened at our meeting the other day. I hope I’m not being too forward and I never do this, but I would very much like to have dinner with you sometime if you would be interested. If not, I understand, but I hope you will think about it at least. Give me a call if you’d like to go out for dinner or something. My number is 555-4837 Rebecca Daniels

I don’t know why but it struck me as hilarious that her name was Rebecca ... I was so flabbergasted at meeting her and her similarity to my wife Becky that I never thought to ask her what her first name was. Besides, we were there for Julia and she was the consummate professional then. I folded up the note again and put it in my pocket before Julia came back. I wasn’t sure what I would do about the offer, but I didn’t want Julie to know what was going on just yet.

That night, like many many others, I dreamed about my Becky, remembering the times that we’d had and how wonderful it was while she was with me. But strangely now the memories of her were a little different, a little less like memories and more like anticipations, if that makes any sense. Memories are often faded, worn things that you have to really look at to make out. These were bright and colorful and in your face kind of dreams ... as if they were just happening or had happened only yesterday and were still fresh in your mind.

Another thing about these new dreams was that while it looked like Becky and should have been about Becky, there was something just slightly off about her ... I couldn’t place it at first, but slowly I realized that I wasn’t dreaming about my dearly departed wife, but rather Julia’s teacher, Ms. Daniels! The events were the same, but it was her, not Becky, in them!

All the next day I thought about Ms. Daniels and her offer. I also thought of my dear Becky. I felt like such a heel comparing the two but damn, they were so fucking close! I’ve seen identical twins that weren’t as similar! I also felt like a heel because I was thinking about another woman.

I loved Becky with everything I had, but it had been five long, lonely years since I held a woman in my arms, much less anything else. And I had Julia to think about too – not to make excuses, but she was going to need a woman to talk to about “things” soon and I was not at all qualified to be a stand-in in that department!

I wrestled with this decision all day. I thought about it and about what I should do so much that my boss noticed and asked me if I was okay. I told him I had something on my mind but I was all right. I tried to push it back and concentrate on my work, but to no avail – it just came back to the forefront within a few minutes.

I took the note from my pocket four or five times that day looking at it and then putting it back. What should I do? I loved my Becky ... but she was gone. I made a promise to love only her ... but she would want me to be happy. Wouldn’t she? Would she be mad knowing I was with another woman? Or would she be glad I found someone so close to her? The thoughts racing through my mind all day nearly drove me mad.

Finally the day was done and it was time to go home. I continued to think on the matter on the drive home and even when I got home. At dinner that evening Julia asked me what I was thinking so hard about. So exasperated about what I should do, I turned to my little girl to get her input.

“Julia that note you brought home from school the other day wasn’t from school ... it was from your teacher. She asked me if I would like to go to dinner with her sometime,” I told her.

“Really Daddy? She asked you out?” Julia said, bright-eyed.

“Yes and I have been thinking about what I should do since I read the damn note. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt your mother’s memory, but it’s been so long and...”

“Daddy, Mom loved you and she always tried to make you happy, didn’t she?” Julia asked me.

“Of course honey,” I said.

“Well, she wanted you to be happy then so why wouldn’t she want you to be happy now?” Julia said.

I could see where she was going with this. “But honey, don’t you think that going out with someone else somehow diminishes what her and I had?”

“Daddy, you and Mom had a great life together. You had me and we all had wonderful times while she was here with us. But she isn’t with us anymore. You haven’t dated or even really talked with another woman since Mom left five years ago. That is a long long time and I think that Mom would want you to move on and be happy. She always wanted you to be happy and I know you aren’t now...

“Daddy I have heard you sleeping – you still dream of her, don’t you. You still miss her and so do I. But you aren’t happy and I think the reason Mom comes back to you in your dreams is because she is sad for you. I don’t know if Ms. Daniels will make you happy or not, but she sure did set you back when you saw her at school. And she wants to give it a try obviously if she wants to go to dinner with you. Why not see what happens?” she said.

Out of the mouth of babes, right?

“Okay, I’ll give her a call. We will see what happens from there,” I said. Julia smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

After dinner that night, I called Ms. Daniels and we arranged dinner out that Friday night.

That first date was just like I’d remember them – awkward and tentative with neither of us really knowing what to do. But we found out that we had a lot in common. We had a good time and decided to do it again soon.

We dated four or five times before we took it to the next level and kissed. Rebecca let me take my time with all this, knowing about Becky and how I felt about her. But I had to admit, I was beginning to have feelings for Rebecca. It was confusing at first, but the more I got to know her, the more I found myself thinking about her.

It was on our seventh date, I believe, when things definitely ramped up in our relationship. It had been about three months since that first parent-teacher conference, and Rebecca and I were getting along really well. We had just gone to a movie and we were trying to figure out what to do next.