Carol Brooks is a 38-year-old single mom that is not overweight, not unattractive, and relatively even-tempered. You wouldn’t think it would be that difficult for her to have a relationship with a decent guy that lasted more than five or six months. Maybe it isn’t that difficult for some women, but Carol has had so many near misses that her eighteen-year-old son Danny is starting to call her the ’Strike Out Queen.’

Yes, Carol is looking for a good husband, and Danny would like to play ball in the backyard with someone that doesn’t throw like a girl.

Although Carol has never been married, she did manage to get pregnant at the ripe old age of nineteen. College frat parties are not the best place for a girl from rural Iowa to start drinking tequila. Tom was very friendly and very handsome. After three drinks, she made the mistake of telling Tom she hated that she was still a virgin. Who knew he would be so accommodating? After dating for a few weeks, they moved in together.

Tom was fun to be with, the sex was good, and he would entertain Carol with magic tricks. A couple of months later, they figured out why Carol was constantly nauseous and threw up on him one morning. Carol wasn’t entertained when Daddy did his magical disappearing act. Little Danny was born six months and 26 days later. The day Danny was born, the nurse put him in her arms. She knew she would never regret not giving Danny up for adoption, as some people close to her suggested.

Despite this setback, Carol still went on to get her bachelor’s degree in accounting.

Carol made a good life for herself and Danny despite the constant disappointments in her love life. They had a nice Cape Cod-style home in a good neighborhood. Carol is good at her job, and they pay her well.

Little Danny is not so little anymore. He turned 18 three months ago and is 5’ 10” tall. Three inches taller than his mom. He also has her wavy auburn hair and green eyes. His chin and nose are definitely his dad’s, according to Carol.

Carol put on her robe and showed John Carron, a man she had dated for almost five months, to the door. Carol felt he at least had the decency to let her down easy. John waited until after Carol had an orgasm to tell her he was sorry that he couldn’t stay because he had started seeing someone else.

Carol’s son Danny came down from his bedroom, heading for the only other room he routinely frequented, the kitchen. Carol was drinking a glass of water when Danny asked, “Mr. Carron, not staying over tonight?” Danny opened the refrigerator, reached in and took out the orange juice, and drank from the carton.

Danny had a way of annoying his mother with his perceptive observation of the obvious. Sounding upset, Carol told Danny, “No, he won’t be staying, and he won’t be back.” Carol crossed her arms, lowered her head, and sighed.

“Ah gee, Mom, that’s too bad. He seemed nice.” Danny could see his mother was feeling dejected.

“He was. He is just no longer available.”

“It’s okay, Mom, someone will come along. You’re not forty yet.” Danny deadpanned.

Carol could see that mischievous look in his eyes and knew he was teasing her. Carol jammed her fists on her hips and gave Danny her best scowl, “Are you saying I’m an old maid with no prospects once I’m forty?”

“Well yeah,” Danny replied with that teasing tone that his mother knew so well.

As a big grin crossed his face, Carol could see him getting ready to run. Carol let out a snarl and showed him her red-painted claws. He put the carton of orange juice on the kitchen table and took off. Carol was right behind him as he ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Carol caught up with him in his bedroom. He couldn’t stop laughing as his mother growled and ran toward him. Carol lunged at him, and he fell backward onto his bed. Carol landed on top of him. She pulled up her knees and clamped them against the side of his chest as she pinned his arms down. She stuck out her tongue and vigorously licked his cheeks and nose to punish him. He was a pretty tough 18-year-old, but Carol had the advantage of being on top and using her body weight to hold him down. At least until he stopped laughing and decided he had enough of her slobbering on his face.

“Stop, Mom, stop. I give up. You’re not old.” Danny hoped the teasing cheered his mother up a bit after another strikeout.

Carol sat up and crossed her arm as she knelt on the bed and sat on his legs. She looked down at him, “So, are you going to behave yourself, young man.”

“Yeah ... Augh, yeah, sure...” Danny’s voice trailed off as he looked at his mother. To be precise, he was looking at her bare belly button and pussy. Carol’s robe had come open below her waist. She had not put her panties on before showing John Carron to the door. She made quite the sight showing her privates to her son as she sat on his legs. When Carol realized what had gotten his attention, she covered herself as best as she could and got off Danny. Carol held her robe together as she stood there, embarrassed and wondering what to say to him. It certainly wasn’t his fault, so he didn’t need to apologize. She thought maybe she should apologize.

“Oh my, Danny, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Mom. It was kind of educational. I never saw what a real grown-up woman looked like down there.”

Carol thought she would make a joke of it to cover her embarrassment, “Well, I guess you just got a ’Flash’ course in anatomy.”

Carol left Danny’s bedroom as gracefully as she could.

Another month went by, and Carol had a couple of dates but nothing worth pursuing. A handshake and a polite goodnight. Nice to have met you. Drive home and up to bed by 10:00.

Despite the disappointments, Carol continued to pursue her quest for a good husband. It was Saturday night, and Carol had a date with Harry Taggart. A man her dating site said was a match. Carol had chatted with him briefly online, and she thought he sounded nice. Carol agreed to meet Harry at Chelsie’s Bar and Grill for drinks. At 7:30, Carol shouted up the stairs to let Danny know she was leaving.

“Okay, Mom. Good luck, and find out if he likes baseball.”

Carol smiled. She didn’t know what she would do if she didn’t have Danny to brighten up her life.

Carol drove to Chelsie’s Bar and Grill and arrived at 8:15. After introductions, Harry ordered drinks and discussed the typical things couples chat about when they first meet. That was pretty much what she remembered until...

Carol woke up naked and looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings with her eyes half-open. Everything was a little blurry, and her temples throbbed. “God, what flophouse is this?” She remembered meeting Harry Taggart and having a drink but didn’t remember much else after that. She felt a stirring beside her.

Carol let out a screech, “Get out of my bed right this instant! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Mom, this is my bed.”

“What, why, how come I’m in your bed?”

“You came home drunk and came into my room. You took all your clothes off, then got into bed with me. You kept calling me George and wouldn’t leave, no matter what I said. I finally gave up, and you went to sleep. Except you woke me up again, and you were kind of out of it, and things got a little crazy.”

“What do you mean things got a little crazy?”

“Ahh, you kind of wanted to have sex with me.”

“I didn’t? You didn’t? We didn’t? Please tell me I didn’t.”

“Well, not all the way.”

“What do you mean, not all the way?”

“You grabbed me down there, and well you ... kind of ... you know, did that thing girls do sometimes.”

“Are you trying to tell me I sucked your cock?”

“I was going to stop you, but ... Well, I never had a blowjob, and once you started ... I’m sorry, Mom, but damn it, it was pretty terrific.”

“How long did I do it?” Carol hoped she didn’t go as far as she usually did.

“I told you to stop before I was going to ... you know. But you kept doing it and ... I couldn’t help it and did it before you stopped.”

“Oh God, I let you do it in my mouth ... I guess that’s better than in my ... never mind.”

“Then you went back to sleep. Honest Mom. Nothing happened after that.”

“Did you touch me where you’re not supposed to?”

“Maybe a little when you kept kissing me.”

“Oh my God, how could I have done something like that?” Okay, she thought Danny was someone else. But is that an excuse to give her son a blowjob, and who the hell is George?

Carol sat up and was going to leave the room, but she felt a bit lightheaded and a warmth in her midsection. She suddenly felt an overwhelming need to have sex, but with Danny here, the best she could come up with was to masturbate. She fell back, and her head hit the pillow. Carol felt the warmth spread to her midsection and kicked the covers off. She pulled up her knees and put her hand between her legs. Carol knew Danny was still here, but that wasn’t her biggest concern at the moment. Although she thought she better say something to him. After all, it was her son that was lying next to her. “Don’t look at me.”

Of course, Danny couldn’t take his eyes off of his mother.

She let out a sigh as she thought, Sometimes he just doesn’t listen when I talk. Carol put her hands between her legs, and it felt so good when she rubbed her clit. So good she no longer cared if Danny was there. It felt so much better than when she did it a few days ago. In her peripheral vision, she could see Danny moving his hand toward his crotch. “Don’t take it out, Danny. I’m warning you, don’t take it out.”

“But that is so damn sexy, Mom.”

She thought to herself, Damn it, as usual, he doesn’t listen. Danny took his cock out of his pajamas and stroked it. Carol told him, and she warned him. She surely did. Carol rolled toward Danny. She threw her leg over him and climbed on top of him. Carol let out a groan as his cock mysteriously slipped into her cunt, “This never happened, Danny. Do you understand me? It never happened.”

“Yes, Mom, never happened.”

Carol’s cunt was on fire, and Danny’s cock was the only one available.

“Now fuck me.”

Danny finally listened and did what he was told. Carol told herself several times to stop, but it felt wonderful. She didn’t even protest when he put his hands on her breasts and told her she was pretty. She thought it was nice of him to say that. Five minutes later, Carol had her first orgasm. She let out a deep and long groan of satisfaction as she doubled her efforts to get off again. Danny was thrusting up with his hips, hoping his mother would not stop or come to her senses until he got off. Carol gave one final thrust, and her whole body shook with her second orgasm as Danny shot his cum deep into his mother’s pussy.

When Carol gained a little control over her body, she rolled off of Danny, “Oh my God, Danny, I hate to admit it, but that was pretty damn good. You got me off twice.”

Danny felt a sense of pride, “You really think it was good?”

“Yes, I do. Now give me a hug and a kiss.” Danny put one arm around his mother and pulled her close as his other hand felt her boobs. Danny kissed his mother and toyed with her nipples.

Carol couldn’t help but giggle, “Oh my, are you trying to have your way with me again?”

“Only if you want to.” Danny never thought a night like this would ever happen to him. He couldn’t get over how aggressive his mother had been. How sexy she was and how unbelievably hot she looked with her clothes off. He had a feeling that there would be consequences for his actions when she sobered up, but whatever consequences there were, he felt it would be worth it.

Sex was nothing new to Danny. Although a couple of the girls he dated were willing to open their legs for him, neither of them would go down on him.

Despite two very satisfying orgasms, Carol’s lust was not satisfied. It seemed that Danny was the handsomest boy in the world to her. Who could resist such a good-looking young man? Yes, he is her son, but she couldn’t recall why that mattered. What mattered was her overwhelming desire to have another orgasm, “Okay, lover boy, show me what you got. You’re on top this time.”

Already having had sex with his mother twice. Danny didn’t see how he could be in any more trouble than he already was.

Carol pulled up her knees as Danny knelt between his mother’s legs. Carol watched him stroke himself a few times to get his cock ready for her and, no doubt, taking a few seconds to get an eye full of pussy. Carol’s thoughts were in a whirl, “I sucked him off, and now I’m practically begging him to fuck me again. Why is he so handsome, and why is my cunt so hot for his cock?” Carol looked up at her handsome son. There was a moment of confusion. Carol wondered, “Why is Danny on top of me and then she remembered. He is so handsome, and his cock is hard, and I need it. My cunt is on fire.” Danny’s cock slipped into his mother’s pussy, “Yes, Danny, that feels so good. I know I am going to cum again.”

And cum she did, as she clung to her son, hoping his cock would stay nice and hard while thinking, Maybe he will let me suck him off again.

Carol couldn’t remember ever being this horny or having so many satisfying orgasms in one day. And here she was about to have another one with the handsome boy.

Danny got off for the third time since his mother came to his bed. He rolled off his mother, completely spent. Carol looked at his flagging cock and decided it would be fun to reward him for that nice cum she had. But before she could manage to get to her goal, she fell asleep. Danny got up and tucked his mother in. He went and took a shower and got dressed. He knew there was going to be hell to pay when she woke up.

It was almost noon when Carol woke up and looked around. She was disappointed the handsome boy was gone. Carol sat up and stretched and sniffed under her arm. Besides needing a shower, she also felt very thirsty. She slipped on her panties and went to her bedroom, and put on a short, thin robe that covered her no more than six inches below her butt. Not even bothering to tie it, she headed downstairs to the kitchen.

Carol spotted Danny coming out of the kitchen munching on a sandwich, “Ahh, there you are, my handsome boy.” Carol went over and hugged Danny and gave him a kiss, “I don’t know why I feel like I should give you the biggest hugs.” Remembering the double orgasm of this morning, Carol thought she better say something to her handsome son before he decided to go out for the afternoon, “We can fool around a little later, but I’m really thirsty and need to shower first. Can you wait till later?” Smiling, Carol patted his cheek and opened a cabinet to take out a glass.

Danny only nodded with his mouth full as he watched in astonishment as his mother drank a glass of water. Her breast and hard nipples were in plain sight. She headed upstairs to her bathroom as if displaying herself like that to Danny was nothing unusual. Danny couldn’t believe that his mother was not pissed at him, was not concerned that she was nearly naked, and actually suggested they have more sex. Danny swallowed and admired his mother’s legs as she walked away, “Yeah, sure, Mom. Take your time.”

Carol called over her shoulders, “Don’t go anywhere, Sweetie. I won’t be long.”

Feeling no need to put on more than her robe after her shower, Carol went looking for Danny. She found Danny in his room, sitting at his computer. Carol wondered why Danny was still dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt. She did tell him she was coming back. When Carol walked in, Danny had his back to the bedroom door, “There you are. You know you have been a very, very naughty boy.”

Danny cringed. He was sure he was in for it now. His mouth dropped open, and his cock twitched when he turned in his chair and saw his mother standing there with one hand on her hip and one high on the door jamb. Her robe was wide open, and she wasn’t even wearing her panties this time, “I’m here, baby. I still owe you for that good time you showed me.”

Carol couldn’t get it out of her head that she needed to satisfy Danny sexually after what he did for her. That’s what a girl is supposed to do when a man satisfies her as he did. Right? Carol walked over and sat in Danny’s lap. She was not one bit concerned about how she was displaying herself as she offered her lips and tongue to Danny.

Danny kissed Carol and played with her breasts. Danny knew he was taking advantage of his mother’s drunken condition. But who could resist such a gorgeous temptress? He thought taking the risk that she would disown or kill him later would be worth it. Danny got up and carried his mother over to his bed. He laid her down and began taking his clothes off. Carol watched as he took off his t-shirt, sweatpants and underwear. Danny stood naked by the bed. Much to Carol’s disappointment, his cock was not hard. It hung limply from the day’s abuse.

Danny got on the bed, intending to cuddle his mother and hopefully, his cock would recover. Although he had his doubts.

Carol felt she had done something wrong and thought, How come he is not hard? Oh well, I better fix that. Carol laid on her side across Danny’s midriff. She took his cock in her hand to guide it into her mouth and started sucking and licking the limp appendage. Danny let out a sigh. With her back to Danny, Carol’s robe covered her except her legs. Danny didn’t care. His eyes were closed to enjoy the experience of his mother’s tongue working to revive him.

Danny didn’t know it at the time, but his mother’s skill at sucking his cock would be the benchmark by which he judged every girl he dated from this moment on. He couldn’t believe he was getting a hard-on again and might even be able to cum. It took a while, but Carol was not going to give up. She ignored the ache in her cheeks until Danny groaned and dribbled a few drops of cum into her mouth.

Carol sat up and felt proud of herself, “That was quite delicious, but I think I’m going to have something to eat. Can I get you something?”

“No thanks, Mom. I already ate. I think I’ll just stay here and rest.”

“Okay, sweetie. See you later.” Carol crawled over Danny and left his room.

Danny fell asleep.

It wasn’t until later in the afternoon that Carol’s sex drive calmed down enough for her to think about getting dressed. The thought that fucking and sucking off her son was a ‘no-no’ tickled at the edges of her brain but had not manifested itself in her reality. After all, she only did what she needed to do with that very handsome boy to satisfy that delicious urge to have an orgasm. She had just finished a piece of chocolate cake and was having a cup of coffee when the doorbell rang. Carol answered the door, and a uniformed policeman with sergeant stripes was standing on her doorstep.

Carol turned and yelled, “Danny, get your ass down here.” Danny woke up with a start when his mother yelled. His first thought was that his mother had come to her senses, and he was about to pay the piper. Danny quickly put on his sweatpants and went downstairs. He was surprised when he came down and saw the policeman at the door as his mother glared at him. He though, oh shit, she called the cops.

“Are you doing drugs? I’ll kill you if you are.” Carol yelled as she glared at her son.

The policeman interrupted Carol, “Ma’am, I’m not here because of any trouble your son is in. I’m here to see you.”

Carol lowered her voice and looked surprised, “Oh, am I in trouble?”

“Not that I know of. It’s about last night. I was off duty and at the same bar as you. I’m sorry to inform you that you were almost date raped. I’m here on official business, but I also wanted to make sure you are okay. You were in pretty rough shape when I brought you home last night.”

Carol was confused, “I don’t remember much about last night. I went out to Chelsie’s Bar and Grill to meet Harry Taggart. A man I agreed to meet at Chelsie’s. He seemed nice on the dating site. I don’t remember drinking that much.”

“You didn’t. May I come in?”

“Yes. Yes, of course. I’m sorry for making you stand out there, but this is all such a shock, and well, I have had one hell of a morning.” Carol stepped aside to let the officer in as she glanced at this name tag, “Would you like a cup of coffee Officer Riley?”

Officer Riley removed his hat and put it under his arm as he accepted her invitation, “An officer of the law never turns down a cup of coffee.”

Officer Riley took a seat in the kitchen as Carol poured him a cup of Hazelnut coffee. He took a sip, “Mmm, this tastes fresh. Much better than the rotgut at the station house. Taste like you just made it.”

Carol sat down at the kitchen table across from Officer Riley, “I got up fairly late today.”

“I can understand why. I’m sorry I didn’t get to you soon enough last night. I saw Mr. Taggart slip something into your drink, but you drank it all before I could get there. By the way, Mr. Taggart is in custody downtown. I took you to the hospital, and they did a couple of tests and said there wasn’t any danger that you would hurt yourself, and it wasn’t toxic. They said it would most likely wear off after a good night’s sleep.

“Oh my, that explains a lot. Your name wouldn’t be George by any chance?”

“Why yes, it is. I’m surprised you remembered.” Officer Riley pointed to the name tag over his left pocket, “Riley, George Riley.”

“I didn’t try too...”

Officer Riley cleared his throat and looked away, “You did, and you were awfully convincing,” Carol noticed a slight hesitation in his voice, “But no, nothing ... well, nothing serious anyway.”

Carol gave Danny a look as she started to understand why she was so out of control, “I’m so sorry for the trouble I caused you. I hope I didn’t embarrass myself too much.”

“First of all, it was not your fault, so there is no need to be embarrassed. The thing is, I need you to come down to the station and file a complaint as soon as you feel up to it. That’s what I came for officially, and of course, I wanted to make sure you were alright. Here’s my card. Call me any time if you have any questions or just need to talk.”

Carol showed Officer George Riley to the door. “Tell your wife I’m so sorry if I did anything improper.”

“Oh, I’m not married, so that will not be an issue.”

Carol gave Officer Riley her best smile, “I’ll be sure to call if anything comes up, and I will be down at the station around 1:00 tomorrow afternoon.” Carol touched his arm and gave it a squeeze, “Maybe I’ll see you there?”

“I’ll be there. Just ask for me at the front desk. I’ll let the desk sergeant know you’re coming. And thanks for the coffee.”

Carol watched Officer Riley walk down the walk to his patrol car. She shut the door and turned around. Leaning with her back on the door, she sighed while thinking, “Damn, but he is handsome in that uniform.”

“Smooth, Mom, very smooth.” Danny let his mother know he saw her flirting.

Carol stuck her tongue out at Danny, “Now get over here and give your old mom a kiss.”

“Mom, are you still horny?”

“Maybe a little. He is kind of cute, don’t you think?”

Danny went over to his mother and gave her a hug and a kiss. Carol whispered in his ear, “He lied, Danny. I remember now. He licked my pussy, and I fucked him in the back seat of his car. I don’t remember if I sucked his cock, though? Come on, Danny, let’s go upstairs. I’m getting so horny thinking about that man fucking me.”

“Do you think he likes baseball? That would be great if he did.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I won’t see him until tomorrow afternoon.”

Danny couldn’t believe his luck. Another blow job after he had lunch, and now she wanted to fuck again. Danny followed his mother up the stairs and into her bedroom.

It wasn’t until the next morning that Carol’s body finally flushed the last of the double dose of aphrodisiac out of her system. She sat on the throne, thinking about yesterday and last night. “Four times, I molested my son. He didn’t seem to mind too much but drugged or not doesn’t excuse my behavior.” Carol wiped herself, flushed the toilet, and returned to her bedroom. Danny was still sleeping. Carol debated waking him up and sending him back to his room. But he looked so peaceful and content, and he was sleeping so soundly. She took off her robe. Still naked, she crawled back into bed and snuggled up to him. They could always talk about what she did when he woke up. Carol’s put her arm over Danny and hugged him. She felt him stir, “Are you awake?”

“Yeah.”

Carol figured now was as good a time as any to talk. She moved even closer to his back, “Did you have fun yesterday taking advantage of your drugged-up mom?”

Danny figured this was it. The lecture and then off to a Siberian reform school. Keeping his back to his mother, he apologized, “I’m sorry, Mom, but I never knew anyone could be that sexy and so adamant about wanting to have sex. I couldn’t help it. Moms are not supposed to be as sexy as you.”

“You think I’m sexy?” Carol moved her hand over Danny’s midriff. Her hand found his cock. It felt soft and warm. Carol kneaded it and felt it grow and harden in her hand as she thought, What had happened, happened. Yes, Danny took advantage of me when I was drugged. But I also remembered practically begging him to have sex with me and dragging him into my bedroom after the police officer told me why I was so horny. By then, I had gained some semblance of control over myself. I don’t remember saying no to Danny even one time as his hands roamed freely over my body and even between my legs. I welcomed his touch and kisses and even told him when I was ready for him to get on top and take me. And here I am again, naked and teasing him and playing with his cock.

“Well yeah. Very sexy. I always thought you were pretty, but who knew you could turn a guy on like you do? And you’re doing it again.”

Carol kissed the back of his neck, “Oh my, I am so naughty. Give me a kiss.”

Danny rolled over and kissed his mom, “I thought the police officer said you would be okay after a good night’s sleep? It’s been two nights already.”

“I must have gotten a pretty good dose of whatever drug that man put in my drink. I’m pretty sure I’m over it now. I don’t feel that overpowering need to have sex like yesterday.”

“I guess that’s a good thing.”

Carol smiled as she noticed the flicker of disappointment in Danny’s voice. “I remember giving you two blowjobs and convincing you to fuck me four times. Are you saying I’m not sexy anymore?”

“Heck no, Mom. You’re as pretty and as sexy as ever. Maybe even more.”

Carol could feel Danny’s cock harden in her hand, “Even more, you say. I know this might sound crazy but let’s do it one more time now that the drug has worn off. I want to see if there is any difference from when we did it while I was drugged. We have already done it four times. Once more won’t make a lot of difference, will it?” Carol knew her justification for enticing Danny to have sex with her again would not hold up in court. But she was determined to find out if even a little of what she felt with Danny when she was drugged was still there.

“I wouldn’t think so.” Danny quickly answered. Danny’s demeanor brightened noticeably. It seemed his mother would forgive everything he did yesterday. Danny certainly wasn’t going to disagree with her. He would go along with anything she suggested as long as she wasn’t pissed at him. Who knew his mother would be the best sex he ever had?

“Come on, Honey. You can be on top this time.”

Danny got between her legs and grabbed his cock, and was about to slip it into his mother’s pussy. But he stopped when distracted by the glint of moisture on her pubic hair and pussy lips. When a clear drop of moisture appeared and started to run down toward her ass crack, Danny couldn’t help himself. He let go of his cock as he leaned over and licked his mother’s pussy from bottom to top. Carol’s eyes popped open, and her lips formed a perfect O as Danny’s tongue passed over her clit not once but twice and then a third time. Carol moaned and praised Danny’s efforts, “Oh yes, Danny. I had no idea that..., yes, yes. Oh, my baby ... right there, that’s it, Danny.

Danny used his tongue, lips, and mouth to stimulate her pussy. Carol didn’t see much difference in her sensuous sensations from when she was drugged. Danny was still just as handsome, sexy, and desirable as yesterday. What Danny was doing to her clit convinced Carol that drugged or not drugged, taking Danny to her bed wasn’t as big of a mistake as she thought it might have been.

Carol shuddered every time Danny’s tongue passed over her clit. “I’m going to cum!” Carol announced as she groaned and felt the start of convulsions as her pussy shuddered intensely with her orgasm. Carol let her orgasm pass over her. The legs she had been holding ridged finally relaxed, “Stop, Danny. I can’t take any more. You have no idea how good that was. I love you, Danny.”

Danny laid on his back next to his mother and put his arm around her as she snuggled up to him, “I love you too, Mom. I can’t believe you’re not pissed at me.”