Chapter 27

“You opened a can of worms,” Mr. Assyrtiko said as they walked down the hallway. They were dressed casually in jeans, polos with logos of other destinations, and well-worn loafers. “Have you ever had to manage a renovation?”

“No, but I’ve heard the stories,” Jack said. “I assume you are referring to the horror stories.”

“Working with building codes, zoning laws, and city ordinances is one cesspool. Dealing with corporate bean counters and fad-of-the-moment bosses is a different, deeper cesspool. Unions serve a purpose, but sub-contractors are hellish night slugs, even without the tentacles around their sucking mouths. Well, now we have a plan for renovation with hobbits involved,” Mr. Assyrtiko said, frowning. “We will give the word ‘aggravation’ a new set of definitions.”

“In the new chain of command, I’m just the folk wrangler,” Jack said. “Danica will be the poor sop upon whom you shall dump the aggravation.”

“The title I would use for you is HR folk director. Every little complaint and grievance will go to you,” Mr. Assyrtiko said pointing his index fingers at Jack like they were six-shooters.

“Fine, I’ll train up Intern to specifically handle hobbit messes,” Jack said.

“Is he back yet?”

“I expect him any day,” Jack said. “He hooked up with Hickory D. Dock when the wood elf became instantly unemployed. Intern is probably his new muse. They traveled together to view the breeding season of the olliphantus. Olliphanti? He should return well-seasoned to interact with the magic folk.”

“Hypatia mentioned your idea for medical tourism last night and Lalita went into a laughing frenzy, clapping her hands and waving her feet.” Mr. Assyrtiko said. “Apparently, Americans go to India for surgeries like hip replacements for a fraction of the cost, and Chinese and English seek out Indian hospitals because there is no queue. She has had a few minor touch-ups on her body here and there, paying more for privacy than for procedures.”

“My thought was not to compete with the Indian health system, sir. We have our own shaman-based system.”

“Yes, I’ve experienced it twice now,” Mr. Assyrtiko said. “The treatments are unorthodox and quite thorough. On the other hand, I feel like a new man.”

“You are more intricately bound to the weave,” Jack said. “You are experiencing a durable knit of support surrounding you that is not available in the human lands.” Jack scratched his beard. “I did not think of the privacy angle before you mentioned it. Instead of using a wing of the building, we could upgrade the guest houses in back into a medical grade facility. We already house some veterinary services back there. We could even upgrade to a human infertility clinic. What a shaman could do with anything involving sex could be a game changer.”

“Erectile dysfunction.”

“Premature ejaculation.”

“Painful menstruation.”

“Lubrication,” they both said together, looking at each other with amusement.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Mr. Assyrtiko said. “We could solve another one of my problems with this upgrade. Unlike your crew, Lalita is not copacetic with Hollandaise, Mornay and Remoulade, who are ready and willing to take care of any needs in my suite. I could place the three there and make everyone in my little circle happy. We will see.”

They stepped out onto the pool deck. The sun was up but the sunlight had yet to reach the deck. Jack tapped his staff on the concrete, carefully nudging the weft underneath. The trees and bushes shook, provoking a variety of small beasties to flee for the safety of the garden.

“More efficient and less expensive than the morning crew,” Mr. Assyrtiko said.

“I’ll figure out a way to monetize it one of these days,” Jack replied, bending down to check the Ph monitor floating in the pool. “Did Hypatia give you any news from the border? It’s been six weeks.”

“The humans sent up a balloon yesterday,” Mr. Assyrtiko said. “They must want to parley. Guantan thinks we should wait to answer.”

“Dark elves,” Jack said with a shiver.

“He is from the Amoh tribe,” Mr. Assyrtiko said. “Interesting fellow, really. According to him, the women are ones you should fear. If the missus shows at the negotiations, there is an even chance blood will be spattered on the walls.”

“Good to know,” Jack said. “The Do’s have hired a dark elf to represent them at reparations talks. Some items of a future negotiation have been decided, I suppose. Slurpee took me out to the fields yesterday that Ralph ruined an eon ago. The fields are showing some ground cover, like farmers back home plant clover to rebuild the soil. Ralph did some damage to the weave that I could not see before, by the way. Slurpee is managing, proud of what her daughter did, but missing her.”

“I miss them all,” Mr. Assyrtiko said, “even that fucking stupid hobbit who kept trying to convince us that piss was beer. Which reminds me, a new orc clan, new to us anyways, swung by yesterday with a product similar to long leaf tobacco. I’m hesitant to accept their assertion of no side effects without trying them ourselves. I have a dozen cigars we should try this evening.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jack said, only to whirl around with his staff at the ready. “Geez, must you do that every time, Hypatia?”

“Take away my little joys, Jack? You did say humans were good for something,” she said. “It’s time.”

“Oh?” Jack said with a frown.

“We shall parley with the humans from the other side in a few minutes,” she said. “First, I need Andres to approve my new glamour.” She clicked her claws together.

“Benazir Bhutto,” Mr. Assyrtiko said. “I love the outfit.”

“Lalita was most helpful, pointing to a head of state as a better presentation,” she said. “This one has a slimmer figure than the one she recommended. Come, Jack.”

Jack found himself standing under a tent at the border crossing area, a white canvas contraption the resort had acquired for a wedding a few years back. Two dark elves and one troll were waiting for them. “Avi Cena,” Jack said with a bow. “You are looking well.”

“Getting there, Jack,” Avi said. “You are looking better too.”

“I am Guantan Amo, Shaman Jack,” the dark elf said. “This is my wife, Dine.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you both,” Jack said. “Your reputation precedes you.”

“Of course, it does,” Dine said with a glittering mouth of sharpened teeth. “As does yours. We will take the lead. You are to inform us if something is amiss. That is the correct word, yes?”

Jack nodded as he attempted to control his breathing. Both dark elves were releasing a scent that reminded him of a good gin, which made his calming breaths even harder to manage. They had run out of gin weeks ago. Hypatia looked pleased.

“Hi ho,” she declared as she tapped the wall with her hand, causing it to dissipate. They waited for an hour before they saw movement. The door of the command shack opened, and six people stepped out into the drive. One was clearly military and at least two others were female.

“Is there one of them who is not walking with a stick up their butt?” Dine said. “One of the men is in charge, the shorter one, but he is having issues with the military man. See how he struggles to stay at the front while the military man is looking straight ahead as if none of the others matter. At least one of the women has been demoted and is angry; she is clenching her fists. They are not a united bunch.”