Chapter 19

“Wake up, you dundering oaf,” someone said while shaking Jack’s shoulder harder than necessary.

Jack waved his arms uselessly in the air, trying to shoo away the irritating disturbance without opening his eyes. Strong hands grabbed his wrists and pulled him halfway out of bed. “Wulp?” Jack croaked, cracking open his eyes. “Spin?”

“You’ve,” she pulled his legs over the edge of the bed. “Got to,” she yanked him until his butt fell off the bed and hit the floor, “get up, NOW.”

Jack looked around his room as he tried to rub his butt. “How did I get here? What time is it? Why are you here?”

“You slept for twenty-four hours, Jack,” Spin said. “It’s morning and my mother is impatient. Danica can only give her a tour for so long. Nice dick, though.”

“My dick is off-limits to you,” Jack said, as he used the side of the bed for leverage. He stood shakily on his feet. “At least I can stand on my legs.”

“The dragon said you were no longer off-limits, Jack, and momma is here and I’m hungry,” Spin said. “Now go pee and brush your teeth. Oo, can I pinch your nipples?”

“No,” Jack said, moving his biceps to cover his chest. “No one touches my nips without permission. You don’t get to invade my private space without express consent, and that’s in the Fae rules.”

Spin bopped him on the head. “Move, Jack, or the next complaint will be I’m squeezing your balls too hard. I’ve been practicing with a tennis ball.”

“Another one who promotes violence,” Jack moaned as he traipsed off to the toilet. When he emerged from the bathroom, his business attire was laid out on the bed with an outrageously bright tie he did not recognize. “Where the tie come from?”

“Wood elf sewing class for cultural apportionment,” Spin said. “In gratitude for your support of their newest celebrity, Hickory D. Dock.”

“O good lords and ladies,” Jack said, almost strangling himself on the ill formed tie knot. “Please don’t tell me the wood elf was on stage last night?”

“He has no idea what a priest, a rabbi or an imam are, but he crushed that room last night. They were laughing so hard they could not stop and when he finished his set, they gave him a standing ovation. Are blondes truly gullible or is this some cultural reference that I am missing?”

“Anything else I need to know?” Jack asked, shoving his arms into his sports coat that fit before but no longer.

“You have a meeting with Colonel Konambaye in one hour,” Spin said. “They had nothing to report yesterday. Avi Cena is apoplectic and seething with impotence. Mr. Assyrtiko is still indisposed and unfit to return to his duties.”

“More OED lists, Spin?”

“You can tell?” Spin said. “I am enthralled.”

Jack stepped out into the hallway with Spin on his heels even though he was attempting to put her at a remove. “I am in desperate need of a major breakfast infusion. Am I too late for morning service?”

“What kind of manager in training would I be if I did not anticipate my boss’s needs,” Spin said. “By the way, your calendar is an uncatalogued mess. No one can make heads or tails of what you have done, what you are doing, and what you need to do.”

“First lesson, little sprout,” Jack said, moving rapidly down the hallway, “it’s deliberate. The corporate personal and professional yearly goals are more easily negotiated if all my hours are an ambiguous mess that an auditor cannot identify. Promise modestly, deliver as you must, and ignore all the bureaucratic chatter. ‘What are your deliverables?’ We will cut the expense of consumed peanuts by ten percent next quarter and personally, avoid getting stomped to death during the next olliphantus migration. We’re a hotel located beyond the pale of human civilization.”

“Speaking of peanuts, what are we supposed to do with the huge sack in your office?”

“Personal business,” Jack said. “A good manager knows when not to ask and when to ignore. How is Danica holding up?”

“We nailed that bitch to the ground and tore the waiting list out of her dirty, greedy little hands,” Spin said with enthusiasm. “She was sadly mistaken to think that one turn in the bed with you gave her rights and privileges. Danica has got a long way to go to prove she has the rank to control access to you. The rug burns on her knees are going to be permanent by the time your women are through with her.”

“My women?” Jack said, slowing down. “When did all of you become my women?”

“A shaman must surround himself with women who can generate the magic, or the other way around if shaman is a woman,” Spin said. “We had better not get a gender fluid one anytime soon. Back to my point, a powerful shaman must surround himself with powerful women. You made magic with the dragon, which makes you the strongest shaman in the Twilight Lands. The smell of toasted coconut custard with chocolate ganache still lingers a day later. I like sweets.”

“How do you know about ganache?” Jack asked with a wince.

“Dr. Kat told us many things yesterday about how humans enjoy chocolate and sex,” Spin said with a smile. “She gave us fresh ideas, which also made my mother happy. I sent an order down to the maintenance shop for a trapeze already.”

Jack walked into the employees dining room and all the commotion stopped instantly. Jack was prepared this time and did not check his zipper. “I’m here; you’re here, and we’re all here to eat breakfast. Are we good?”

“We’re good,” they called out in a mangled cacophony.

“I’m not good,” Augie Steen shouted from the side of the room. “You underhanded bastard! You sicced that wood elf on us. He’s been dogging us nonstop and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. I don’t think he knows the word and it’s your doing. We’ve had thirty-six hours of no peace. No matter where we are, mopping floors or taking a dump in the privacy of the water closet, this damn elf is reciting his drivel and demanding a response. He’s driving us buggy. I’m hiring a dark elf to leech every last penny from your personal coffers.”

“You poor, poor pathetic fool,” Jack said, dramatically shaking his head. “The dragon warned you that you have no head for business. I sent him to you with an opportunity to take a finder’s fee for every joke you approved. You missed the lucrative opportunity and now, you want to blame me? Bring it on, Mr. Steen. By the time I’m done with you, you won’t be able to sell single sheets of asswipe at the wayfarer’s toilet in the deep desert.”

With the hobbit’s mouth frozen open, Jack calmly walked to the buffet table and snatched up plates for Spin and for himself. He continued down the line, piling his plate as full as he could. He ordered Spin to direct him to a seat and silently followed her direction. He shoveled food into his gullet as if he had skipped a day’s meals.