Chapter 1

Jack ignored the fairy sitting at the secretary’s desk, walking past her without saying a word. “A package arrived for you, Mr. Assyrtiko,” Jack said, as he entered the hotel general manager’s office. “Delivery service dropped it off at the front desk with the morning run.” The big window on the far side of the desk had a view of pool, the hot tubs, and the extensive gardens with its trails leading to the outbuildings. The native, woven rug that framed the space in front of the desk was deep browns with magical creatures, some real and some not, prancing around the border.

The tall man with a head of greying hair signaled Jack to come in and to close the door. As Jack approached the executive desk, his boss pushed back from the paperwork and sunk into the depth of his chair. “The timing is good,” he said, “It’s probably my stomach meds.”

The general manager reached over the sideboard and grabbed a boxcutter concealed in a length of odd-looking bone. Pushing the knife across the desk, he indicated that he wanted Jack to open the box and fish out the contents. With practiced ease, Jack sliced through the tape, tossing the bubble wrap on the floor. After reading the labels, he handed over the two large containers containing one hundred caplets each.

“Jeez, this stuff is pretty strong, Mr. Assyrtiko,” Jack said. “Your stomach must be really bad. Why don’t you use the shaman on retainer, instead? Their medications are usually safer and more effective.”

“Thank you for the advice, Jack,” Mr. Assyrtiko said as he placed the bottles in his desk drawer. “The last time I took that advice, in fact, I think you gave me that recommendation, I had fish scales erupt and cover my body for a month. I don’t want to repeat that experience in my life ever again.”

“I hear you,” Jack said, snagging a chair closer to the desk to sit. “The shaman did clear up all the rashes from the furnace ferns though. Plus, the treatment also removed all your acne scars and the appendectomy scar that you despised. Granted, the treatment did last longer than expected, but the added bonuses proved to me that this shaman is a winner.”

“I’ll take your suggestion under advisement, Jack,” the manager said. “Let’s move on to the reason why I am eating my stomach from the inside out today. According to the expedited report from the Emiri palace physician, all the skin on the crowned prince’s body from the neck down has transformed into flaky strips of tree bark. His hair is sprouted evergreen needles, and his gonads resemble acorns. The king is beside himself and threatening all sorts of retaliation.”

“Our rules for guests clearly state, ‘do not approach the magic folk unless they indicate first that you may come near,’” Jack said. “The knobhead tried to rape a wood elf. What did he expect was going to happen?”

“He expected that he would get away with it, as he does in his father’s kingdom,” the manager said. “What he did, however, does not matter as far as the future of this resort is concerned. What matters is what are we going to do? Can we fix this?”

“Who would want to schtup a wood elf?” Jack asked with a scrunched face. “They’re like schtuping a tree knot, probably rip the skin off your dick just by rubbing. I mean, only a male wood elf can physically have sex with a female wood elf; no one else has the appropriate undercarriage.”

“Yes, they also appear stunningly gorgeous to the human eye until you attempt to have a conversation with one of them,” Mr. Assyrtiko said. “Anyone with half a brain can ascertain that a female wood elf is not an approachable sex partner after thirty seconds of conversation. They are wooden. We can assume our crowned prince did not bother to try talking; he simply grabbed her, attempting to force himself on her. Still, we are off topic. This incident could ruin us.”

“He comes from a small country,” Jack said. “We have the rest of the world who is fascinated with our little slice of ur-reality.”

“They are old petro-dollar money, Jack. The father can buy us a lot of grief, including the most pernicious canard, heresy against God and the holy scriptures. Do you think we can dodge a bunch of jihadi terrorists bent on saving the world from the magic? There are plenty of poor, ignorant bastards just itching for an excuse to take up arms...”

“ ... which would destroy the Compact between the human world and the magic world, totally obliterating the Twilight Lands and our little resort along with it,” Jack said, drumming his fingers on the chair arm.

“This potentate, if he puts his little mind to it, could destroy both worlds, Jack.”

“Good synopsis,” Jack said, giving the man a thumbs up. “What are we going to do about this situation?”

“Can we get the wood elves to lift the curse?”

Jack shook his head. “I already tried. There is no avenue to broach the subject with them. Even among the magic folk, no one particularly likes the arrogance of the wood elves. You must ask if you may ask before you even approach to ask them anything. If the prince had tried to fuck an ogre, we wouldn’t have had any of this nonsense.”

“Jack, what human being would want to fuck a walking, living, breathing rock? Don’t get me offtrack again. Can someone else lift the curse?”

Jack shook his head while pursing his lips.

The manager sighed. “We need a plan, Jack. We can’t paper over this one with an ad campaign.”

“Let me talk to some peoples and see what they have to say on the subject,” Jack said, rising from his seat. He glanced at the wall where the certificates of occupancy were posted along with various awards for design, service, and destination. The hanging pieces of paper seemed silly to him, but he knew each one represented a lure drawing curious humans with a dash of courage to the Twilight Lands.

“Jack, before you go, our new intern arrived last night. He is sitting in the lounge waiting for you by this time. His name is Bob.”

“His name is ‘Intern,’” Jack said as he reached for the door handle. “Don’t you dare coddle him behind my back. Either he survives or he doesn’t, and without a doubt, we will know quickly.”

“Your last intern was released from the psychiatric hospital two days ago because her health insurance expired,” Mr. Assyrtiko said. “Passport control has been notified she is blacklisted. Jack, let’s have less drama with this one. Put him on tranquilizers or something like we should have done with Kimmy.”

“The Orc envoy warned us about her,” Jack said as he opened the door. “We were wrong not to heed his advice of shipping her back immediately. She thought she could hide behind a great set of knockers and do this job. I’ll own that mistake, but the crowned prince – that’s on him. I hope they put a longevity spell on him too.” He shut the door behind him.

“Good morning, Annodomini,” Jack said to Mr. Assyrtiko’s secretary. “Your wings look radiant this morning.” The room smelled of her floral scent, which always reminded Jack of waves of flowers that covered everything in Kauai. Yet, she also brought a fresh mountain scent with her, one he had recently learned could be purchased in exchange for the brown glass bottles used for chemicals, under the table, of course. No need to alert customs.

“Ah, shove it up your ass, Jack,” she said. “I had him all buttered up for a raise and I know it was you that sabotaged it.”

“I never said a word,” Jack said with a frown. “If you remember, I told you when you asked me that I would stay out of it. Moreover, if you remember, I advised you that he is not comfortable with fae work rules and therefore, you should not offer him sexual favors.”