Chapter 53: Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I now have an editor, so you all shouldn’t need to put up with my typos and poor/dyslexic editing skills anymore. :)

“Have a great night.” Ethan waved to the dinner guests as they disembarked from the Argo. The families of Lord Kalus and Arven, plus Matthew, waved back, all with large smiles. As they walked away, Ethan thought he heard Ketura invite Shara and Lyra over for dinner to discuss something, though by that point they were far enough away that he didn’t hear what it was.

“Okay, so what did Lord Kalus say?” Beth asked the moment they were out of easy earshot.

“About what?” Ethan replied, playing dumb.

“Dom-i-nus.” She groaned while his other wives and Selene shook their heads, rolled their eyes, or both.

“He had some good advice.” He said, then related it, finishing with how the lord had suggested that they get Selene back to Earth ASAP to deal with the portal problem.

“Oh.” The Brazilian woman nodded slowly, but she was also frowning slightly. “I knew I would be heading back to Earth eventually, I just thought I had more time.”

Behind her, Kendra’s face became a neutral mask. The happiness and joy that had been displayed on her face mere moments ago disappeared behind that mask, leaving behind an expression that was unnaturally neutral.

He reached out and pulled her to him.

She didn’t resist.

Selene looked at Kendra, her face falling as she did. “I thought I would have more time.”

“Me too.” The raven-haired woman said quietly.

Alana led the charge to give Kendra a group hug and Ethan pulled Selene into it as well. The caramel-haired beauty didn’t resist, but she did look a little uncomfortable.

“I should get to bed.” Selene said when the group hug had broken. She looked about as happy as Kendra while she said it though.

“Yeah, we probably should too.” Ethan nodded.

No one moved.

Kendra swallowed hard, then stepped forward and gave Selene a tight hug which she returned. The dragon huntress held on for several long seconds and then stepped back. “Good night.”

“Night.” Selene appeared to attempt a smile, but she wasn’t very successful. In fact, it almost looked like she felt a bit ... guilty?

The Brazilian woman went below decks, though Thor didn’t follow her immediately. Instead, the kitten walked over to Kendra and rubbed up against her ankle before following Selene.

“That is one smart kitty.” Alana said.

“He is.” Ethan nodded.

“He’ll go with Selene after the portal mission when she moves back to Earth, won’t he?” Beth asked.

“Probably.” Rachel replied. “We all love him and he loves all of us, but he really is her cat.”

“Yeah.” Ethan nodded, then headed into the captain’s cabin with his wives following him.

The moment the door was closed, Kendra spoke. “Is this what it’s like having friends?”

“Only when they move away.” Ethan replied. “It stings.”

Kendra blinked a few times and sniffled slightly, though her expression was still carefully neutral. “Then I’m never going to make friends with anyone who isn’t married to Ethan ever again.”

“I think you’ll find that hard.” Alana said with a pained smile on her face.

“I can do hard.” The raven-haired woman sniffled.

Ethan pulled her into another hug and she seemed almost anxious for this one. His other wives gathered around and made it the second group hug of the night.

“I’m sorry, you all wanted to...” She pointed to the bed. “And I ruined the mood.”

“I think Smithbond and the portal had more to do with that.” Alana replied.

“Yeah.” Ethan gave her an extra squeeze and then let go.

Kendra’s neutral mask had slipped by now and she swallowed. “I’m really grateful that Illuminar led Selene into my life, but why does she have to leave?” She sniffled and blinked rather more rapidly than normal.

“I don’t want her to go either.” Tee said. “ Master, I really wish you were going to marry her, but if Illuminar decided not...” The Fey teen frowned and looked down, a sad smile on her face.

“I’ll miss Selene too.” Beth said. “I really wish she was going to stay.”

“So do I.” Alana nodded.

“The Argo won’t be the same without her.” Rachel nodded.

“No, it won’t.” Ethan agreed.

Kendra sniffled and wiped one of her eyes. Her finger might have been slightly wet when she was done.

Selene lay in her hammock, jaw clenched and breathing rather heavily as she contemplated recent events. She couldn’t get the look on Kendra’s face out of her mind. It seemed to have glued itself to her eyeballs and...

She took a deep, calming breath.

Okay, it wasn’t actually calming and came out more as a huff than anything else, but that’s what she had intended it to be.

She was going to leave the Argo.

That was final.

She had decided that she was going to become an FBI agent and she was going to stick to that plan, assuming that was still an option after dealing with Smithbond and the portal. Something in her was absolutely convinced that she could still have a career as an FBI agent but she wasn’t sure why. She knew that Smithbond’s agency had made that seemingly impossible, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that it was possible. Maybe she was being stupid, but that’s how she felt.

She wasn’t going to marry Ethan and she certainly didn’t want to live the rest of her life on this God-forsaken world that didn’t even have coffee. Besides, she’d made her decision during the whole birthday thing.

The birthday thing...

“Birthdays.” She scowled and pushed that incident as far from her mind as she could.

“Meow.” Thor was looking at her reprovingly.

“Yes, I know I royally fucked up that whole birthday thing; you don’t need to keep reminding me.” She almost growled in frustration, though more at herself than him. “But there’s no way in hell that I’m going to let that asshole in the sky tell me how to live my own life.”

Thor just stared at her, looking neither happy nor convinced.

“What?!” She said a little more sharply than she had intended. She sighed, then spoke in a more normal tone. “Sorry.”

The kitten laid down on her chest and rubbed his head against her affectionately, then returned to his reproving look.

“What’s done is done and I have to go to Earth anyway, so there’s no point in coming clean to fix my fuck-up now, no matter how large it is.” The Brazilian woman said, only realizing that her tone was defensive after she’d spoken.

Thor continued to stare at her.

She sighed.

The kitten was doing a damn good job of guilt-tripping her. Well, she didn’t think Thor was doing it on purpose, but she had to admit that he had a point. She kind of felt like crap. Her go-to solution for cheering herself up was a little self-pleasure, but Ethan had told her that he wouldn’t finish the hottest sexual fantasy of her life if she did that. She had loved that before, now...

She frowned.

At some point soon she would have to ‘hold Ethan’s wing’ while he took care of himself so his stupid dragon side didn’t go ape-shit because of their stupid fucking bond.

Magic.

Pfft.

For good or ill, she’d made her choice that very morning and she was going to stick to it because that asshole that Taloni followed so devotedly had no business telling her how to live her life.

None.

And now that she’d made her choice, she wasn’t sure she wanted Ethan to finish that story, not now since she was leaving. That felt a little too close and intimate for her and she didn’t want to get any closer to him, not since she was leaving. Of course, there was one way that she could be sure that Ethan wouldn’t finish his story. Plus it would feel great, especially with how long it had been since she’d taken care of herself. She wanted to feel better right now.

Hmm.

She moved one of her hands lower until it rested just over her slit, though on top of the dress. Thor took a step closer to her head and meowed again. This one had a decidedly disapproving tone to it.

“What?” She asked. “It’s my body and I’ll do it if I want to.”

Another disapproving meow.

“Ethan doesn’t get to decide when I get myself off.” She replied, realizing only after she’d spoken that she sounded defensive. Again.

She rubbed.

Mmm, that felt good.

Thor simply stared at her for a moment while she continued rubbing, then he pointedly turned and walked to the edge of the hammock.

“Oh come on.” She said to the kitten.

Thor looked back at her for a moment and then awkwardly -- and seemingly pointedly -- jumped off the hammock. She didn’t see the landing but it didn’t sound graceful. She looked over the edge to see the kitten standing on his four feet, shaking his head slightly. He looked fine.

“Seriously?” She asked.

Thor turned, walked over to a pile of clothes and flopped down facing away from her.

She rolled her eyes, laid back down, and then started rubbing again. It didn’t take long for her to finish, but oddly she didn’t find it very satisfying. In fact, she almost felt worse than before she had started.

Alana lay on the bed with her husband’s arms around her, looking at the most beautiful woman in the Ten Kingdoms. The trouble was, she still wanted to kiss Rachel goodnight but was worried the redhead might not want to in front of Ethan. Rachel was lying right in front of Alana facing her, and the wood elf was spooning with Ethan, so he definitely would see...

Unless he was asleep.

Apparently that was Rachel’s plan, because it seemed like she was very determinedly staying awake and Ethan had fallen asleep.

“You know, he will see eventually.” Alana whispered as quietly as she could.

“I know.” The redhead whispered back. “But...”

“Not yet?”

Rachel nodded.

“Rachel.” The wood elf whispered quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me.”

The redhead grinned ear-to-ear, subtly -- and probably subconsciously -- licked her lips, then leaned in and planted a tender, loving kiss on her lips.

“Mmm.” Alana sighed as she kissed her back, not quite believing that this was happening.

The kiss wasn’t nearly as long as she wanted it to be -- years would’ve been fine -- but it was wonderful. Rachel had a dopey grin on her face when she leaned back and her eyes were mostly closed.

“Good night.” The redhead whispered.

“Good night.” The wood elf replied, licking her lips to taste her best friend on them.

Rachel did the same, still smiling ear-to-ear.

Sarah’s internal clock woke her up at the usual time, long before the sun had risen. Normally she woke up a bit earlier than Fiona, but someone was awake before both of them today. Amy was pacing back and forth on the floor and appeared to be deep in thought as she muttered to herself. Sarah didn’t catch most of what was being said because she was whispering to herself so quietly, but it sounded like her roommate was trying to talk herself into something, or possibly out of something?

The previous night Sarah had explained more about her problem to Amy, including what made the demon come out. That had seemed to reassure her, not that she had seemed very worried in the first place. Now she was pacing?

Hmm.

“Amy?” Sarah whispered so as not to wake Fiona.

The other girl jumped slightly, then looked at Sarah and whispered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“You didn’t wake me, what’s wrong?”

Amy stopped, then lifted her hand to her mouth and started biting one of her nails. “Um, I was hoping ... that is, I was wondering...” She seemed to realize that she was biting her nails and pulled her hand away from her mouth to reveal a grimace.

“Hey.” Sarah sat up, rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, and stood. “Hey, it’s okay. What’s wrong?”

“Um, you like me right? As a friend?”

Sarah smiled. “Of course.”

“And um, we get along well, right? I mean, you don’t mind me being around, right?”

“Of course not.” The innkeeper’s daughter assured her. “What’s this about?”

“Uh...” Amy hesitated for a moment and then blurted out the next few words like she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to if she didn’t now. “Can I come with you?”

Sarah blinked.

She opened her mouth to reply but no sound came out for several seconds. “You ... you want to go with me?”

Amy nodded vigorously.

Sarah worked her mouth for a moment before she was able to get her next question out. “Why?”

“Well, part of it is that I like your company.” She smiled. “You’re kind and honest, and I like that.”

“Thank you, but there’s more, isn’t there?”

Amy bit her lip. “Well, I’m worried about what Tia and Mia might do. Considering what they did to you for helping me, what might they do to me? And if I need to leave anyway, I’d rather leave with a friend.”

Sarah got the distinct impression that there was more to it than that. “What’s the rest of the reason?”

“Um...” Amy looked down and kept her gaze there, as if the floor was suddenly very fascinating.

“Amy, what’s the rest of the reason?”

The artistic girl hesitated for several long moments and then finally spoke. However, she spoke so quietly that Sarah didn’t hear what she said.

“What?”

Amy took a deep breath. “It’s Rindrin, your betrothed.”

For a second time in as many minutes, Sarah found herself speechless. She worked her jaw again for several moments before replying. “Why?”

“Because you said that he’s a good man who is also very honest and blunt.” Amy replied with the edge of a smile on her face. “That’s exactly how I would describe my dream man and I guess I’m hoping that ... um, if you wouldn’t mind and if he and I like each other, then ... then perhaps...” she bit her lip. “I know that you aren’t exactly in love with him and I thought that maybe, if you wouldn’t mind sharing him, then maybe...”

“Oh.” Sarah said as she realized what Amy was getting at. “You want Rindrin to marry you.”

“Maybe?” She waggled her head back and forth. “I obviously don’t know him, but if he’s the way you described, who wouldn’t?”

Sarah couldn’t help but smile at the hopeful look in her friend’s eyes. It looked like she was trying to be calm and rational while not getting her hopes up about a man whose description fit her idea of a perfect man. Judging by her ‘Honesty’ painting, Rindrin might actually be a good match for her. Besides, Amy seemed like the kind of person who could be a hopeless romantic and would like the idea of falling in love with someone before she met him.

“And...” Amy’s smile widened. “ ... and I think I would really like being co-wives with you. You’re a great person and I love talking with you so I think we would get along splendidly.”

“Yeah.” Sarah felt her lips pull into a smile as well. “Honestly, I would really like it if you married Rindrin too. I would be a lot less lonely with you as a co-wife, assuming you two like each other.”

“Really?” Amy’s eyes were wide and full of hope.

Sarah nodded.

“You might want to be meeting him first.” Fiona said from her bed, then yawned.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Amy said.

“Eh, I was waking up anyway.” The copper-haired woman replied, then yawned again as she sat up. “It was wonderful having you two here, even if only for a short while.”

“I’m sorry.” Sarah’s face fell. “I really would’ve liked to stay.”

“I’m knowing that and it’s not your fault.” She looked at Amy. “I suppose you should be packing.”

“It won’t take long, and you can sell everything I leave behind.” The girl replied. “I really only need to make sure I bring my self-cleaning brush, a few supplies, and my ‘honesty’ painting. I don’t care about the rest.”

Sarah chuckled. “And some clothes.”

“Oh.” The artistic girl nodded like she had forgotten. “Yes, those too.”

It indeed didn’t take her long to pack. Amy didn’t have a lot of non-painting stuff, so she was ready to go once it had been loaded into a large carpet bag with a shoulder strap.

Sarah then pulled out the coppers she had to count them. She had been working at Karnas for less than a week so she didn’t have many. Amy had about the same amount because of Tia and Mia, so even pooling their money they were still quite poor.

“Are you sure you want to come?” Sarah asked. “It could be dangerous.”

“You’ll protect me.” Amy replied.

“There’s also things like running out of food to be worrying about, not to mention getting lost.” Fiona pointed out.

“We shouldn’t get lost.” Sarah replied. “We’ll follow the Bolavine River south until we reach the main road that runs through the outpost where my father’s inn is. It’s a major trade route, so we shouldn’t miss it or get lost. I think it’s only a two-day sail, and then it will take several days to walk to the inn. It would be faster if we had horses, but...” She looked down at the pittance that she and Amy could scrape together.

“I’m glad to be hearing that.” Fiona smiled. “Now, we should be praying for your safety on the road. You might not need to travel on the road long, but from what I’m hearing, the Ivernian roads can be dangerous.”

All three did pray, each in turn, and then Fiona strapped a somewhat grumpy Conner to her chest. “I’m going to be walking with you to the castle’s gate at least.”

“Thank you.”

Sarah opened the door to their room expecting to see an empty hallway, but instead saw a boy of about thirteen half-fall into their room. He was wearing the uniform of Lord Delmar’s errand boys and he had clearly fallen asleep while leaning his back on the door. The boy had clearly been startled awake when the door opened and then jumped up, rubbing his eyes.

He looked at the three women, his eyes wide and his body slightly shaking as he addressed them in a wavering voice. “I’m looking for the demon-possessed girl named Sarah.”

She sighed. “That’s me.”

“Lord Delmar requests that you meet him in his office at first light.” The boy continued. He was clearly trying to make his voice sound strong, but just as clearly would’ve rather been delivering a message to anyone else.

“Um, okay.” Sarah replied, not sure what this could be about.

“I’m supposed to take you to him.” The boy swallowed. Hard.

“Okay, I guess we’ll follow you.” Sarah said, then looked at the other ladies, both of whom looked as confused as she felt.

What could Lord Delmar want?

“Kendra? Kendra?”

“Hmm.” The dragon huntress mumbled at the unwanted intrusion into her sleep.

“You wanted me to wake you up to read the Book of Light with me.” Taloni whispered. “Do you still want that, or should I let you sleep.”

Kendra groaned, though quietly so she wouldn’t wake her fellow wives. “I can get up.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to.” Tee replied.

“I know.” It took Kendra a minute to drag herself out of bed and then she padded over to the desk with Taloni.

The Fey teen was smiling widely when she got there.

“What?” Kendra whispered.

“You’re naked and it’s not bothering you.” She beamed.

“Oh.” Kendra looked down to see that she was in fact completely naked, then she smiled when she realized that it indeed didn’t bother her very much. She looked over at the bed to see her fellow wives all completely naked as well. Alana and Rachel were snuggled closely together as usual and the wood elf was also half-snuggled with Ethan as well.

Kendra smiled, but her smile faltered a little when she remembered that Selene was going to leave.

“We can pray for Selene before we start reading.” Taloni offered.

“I’d like that.” Kendra nodded, her throat getting slightly tight.

“Lord Delmar will see you now.”

Sarah nodded at the errand boy and then took a deep breath as she looked at the door to the lord’s office. She and her friends hadn’t been waiting in the hallway long and it was still early. The light coming in through the castle windows was enough to read by, but only just. There was a slight coolness in the early morning air, though it was far from cold.

“He said that your companions may join you.” The errand boy added, then turned and walked away from Sarah somewhat faster than you might normally expect.

She sighed.

Some things never change.

She respectfully nodded to the two guards outside the office and then lifted the latch and entered with Fiona and Amy right behind her. Lord Delmar’s office was much like his office on the Helene. It appeared that everything had its place and everything looked orderly and neat. There were several bookcases filled with books, neatly stacked piles of papers on his desk, and a large tapestry-map of Narlotten on one wall. Everything was obviously of very high quality, but very little was ornate and nothing was ostentatious.

On another wall -- the one on which the door was set -- was that tapestry of Lady Helene that she’d first seen while Lord Delmar was adjudicating a case about it. It was positioned so that if Lord Delmar looked up from his desk, it would be right in front of him.

Nothing obstructed it.

“You asked to see me Lord Delmar.” Sarah said after an attempt at a curtsy.

The lord held up one finger on his left hand as he continued writing with his right hand. He finished what looked like a sentence, then struck the ink off of the quill pen, put it in its holder, capped the bottle of ink, and then looked at her. For some reason, something about his eyes reminded her of Ethan. Not so much in the expression, but just in how the eyes themselves looked.

“You did a noble thing yesterday.” Lord Delmar said without preamble. “Few would sacrifice for a country not their own.”

“I just didn’t want to make other people suffer because I was here.” She replied.

He inclined his head in either concession or respect, possibly both. “You do not have enough coin for the journey.”

It wasn’t a question.

She hesitated, then nodded. “I thought that if I could barter onto a barge going south, then perhaps we could walk the rest of the way.”

“We?” He looked at the two women behind him, finally settling his eyes on Amy. “You wish to accompany her?”

“Yes Lord Delmar.” She curtsied.

He nodded curtly, then looked at Sarah. “You sacrificed for Narlotten, I will repay the favor.” He raised his voice and spoke at the door. “Bring him in.”

Sarah heard someone outside the door hurry away, then two sets of footsteps returned about thirty seconds later. The door opened and in walked--

Sarah’s eyes widened.

It was the man who had arrested her and dragged her before Lord Delmar only yesterday. He wasn’t wearing chainmail or a guard’s uniform, though he had his sword and was wearing what looked like traveling clothes. He wasn’t a particularly tall man, but he did have broad shoulders and looked fit. He had sandy blonde hair, a short beard that was slightly darker than his hair, and bright blue eyes.

She could tell that he wasn’t very comfortable being here, but she didn’t get the impression that it was because of her. Or at least, not because of her problem.

“Guardsman Ellis Trelane.” The lord indicated him and then spoke to Sarah. “You need provision and protection for your journey and he wished for an opportunity to somehow make amends for his behavior yesterday. The Narlotten crown will provide the provisions and he will accompany you to provide protection, thus killing two deer with one arrow.”

Sarah eyed the man, not sure how she felt about that.

“I am sorry miss.” Ellis said. He met her eye, but it looked like he wished that he didn’t have to.

Lord Delmar spoke again. “His predilection for jumping to conclusions aside, he is a man of impeccable character who fights like a dragon to protect those entrusted to his care. He has been provided with coin from the treasury for traveling expenses, as well as horses and provisions for the journey.”

“Thank you, and thank Illuminar.” Sarah looked up for a moment and smiled before looking back at Lord Delmar. “I wasn’t sure how ... thank you.”

Lord Delmar nodded once and then looked pointedly at Sarah. “You might not require Ellis’s protection, but I would not see your demon loosed for any reason, no matter how temporary.”

She nodded, hoping that the guardsman’s presence would indeed prevent that.

“May Illuminar -- blessed be He -- guide you on the path of light as you travel.” Lord Delmar said.

“Thank you.”

He nodded once, then looked at the door. “You may go.”

Sarah, Amy, Fiona, and Ellis all filed out of Lord Delmar’s office after the ladies curtsied and Ellis bowed. Once in the hallway, there was a slightly awkward silence.

After several seconds, Ellis broke it by addressing Sarah. “I am sorry miss. I jumped to conclusions and I’m afraid that I have ruined your stay in Karnas. From what I heard later, you were quite happy in the kitchens. I deeply regret that my actions have hurt you and humbly implore your forgiveness.”

He seemed sincere.

“I forgive you.” Sarah said. “And my time in Karnas was over the moment people learned my secret. If you hadn’t done what you did, I would be making the journey alone and without supplies instead of with Lord Delmar helping me. I think Illuminar’s hand is in this; I think it happened this way because He was taking care of me.”

“That is kind of you to say miss.”

“You don’t agree?”

He hesitated. “I don’t disagree that Illuminar guides all things, but I take responsibility for my flaws and lapses in judgment. I made a grave error and cannot undo it now.” He paused and then added. “But it was very kind of you to say.”

She smiled at him.

“We should leave as soon as possible.” Ellis said after a moment. “Most of the cargo barges leave early so they can sail for the full day and we don’t want to miss them, especially since we’ll need to get another horse from the stables for...” He looked at Amy. “ ... Amelia? I believe that is what Lord Delmar called you yesterday.”

“Yes.” She nodded. “But everyone calls me Amy.”

“Do you know how to ride?” Ellis asked her.

“Um, not well but I can.”

“That will suffice; Lord Delmar’s horses are very well trained.” He turned and led the three women through the castle to the stables where he told a stable attendant to saddle a horse for Amy.

Sarah had never been to a royal stable before and the contrast with her father’s stable couldn’t be more pronounced. There was almost no smell, the horses all looked content or bored, and everything looked as clean and well-maintained as the rest of Narlotten. The horses that Ellis had prepared weren’t large horses but smaller ponies that looked both strong and tough. Additionally, there was also a stocky mule loaded with a few bags that she assumed contained supplies.

“Will you be needing more supplies since Amy is going?” Fiona asked.

Ellis shook his head. “I ensured that I had twice the supplies necessary for two people to go to Sarah’s father’s inn and return. Thus, we would still have more than enough provisions even if a fourth were to join us and we were to make a round trip.”

“Ah, good.” The copper-haired woman nodded, then looked at Sarah. “I’m going to be missing ya.”

“And I, you.” Sarah felt her throat get slightly tight and she sniffled as she realized that she really was going to leave. She was leaving Fiona behind and there was no guarantee that they would ever see each other again.

She swallowed.

Hard.

Fiona blinked, her eyes a bit watery. “Take care now, and you’ll be in my prayers.”

“I’ll pray for you as well, as much as I can.” Sarah replied, now trying in vain to keep her eyes dry.

The copper-haired woman nodded and then pulled Sarah into a hug, though both were careful not to squash Conner who was still on Fiona’s chest.

“I’ll be missing you too Amy.” Fiona said once the hug broke and then she hugged the other girl as well. “You be taking care of each other now, you hear?”

“We will.” Sarah and Amy replied.

Fiona rounded on Ellis. “And you young man, these two are precious to me so you best be keeping them safe.”

“Their lives will come before mine if it’s necessary.” He replied, and Sarah didn’t think he was exaggerating; he seemed sincere.

“I hope it won’t be coming to that, but that’s good to be hearing.” Fiona replied.

Sarah pulled Fiona into another, longer hug before letting go. “I promise I’ll come back to Karnas if I can.”

“I would be loving that.” Fiona smiled, though her cheeks weren’t entirely dry. “I should be getting back to the kitchens.” She added after a moment. “I’ve not been late before and I’m sure Marge won’t be happy.”

“Lord Delmar saw to that.” Ellis spoke up. “He had me inform her earlier that you might be late and that he had allowed that.”

Fiona’s smiled widened. “He really is a good lord.” Her accent made ‘lord’ sound like ‘lard’ as usual.

“He is.” Sarah nodded.

“Ladies, we should depart.” Ellis said with an apologetic look.