Chapter 73: The Socratic Method

June 21, 2002, Apple Orchard Bed-and-Breakfast near Montpelier, Vermont

🎤 Birgit

My phone rang early on Friday morning with a number I didn’t recognize from the 917 area code.

“Birgit Adams!” I said when I answered as dad preferred we do.

“Hi, Birgit! It’s Marcella.”

“Hi! Is it safe for you to call?”

“Yes. I’m at a friend’s parents’ condo and I’m using her mobile phone.”

“How bad is it?”

“They’re trying to find a counselor to ‘help’ me.”

I could hear the air quotes.

“Well, I say to them — good luck with that! The DSM no longer lists being gay or lesbian as a disorder.”

“The what?”

“The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The most recent one is version IV-TR. They removed homosexuality in 1974 and replaced it with ‘sexual orientation disturbance’ and later they basically removed it, and a bunch of other sex-related stuff, so long as it’s not something that causes you extreme distress. And even then, the goal is to eliminate the distress, not try to ‘cure’ you.”

“How do you know that stuff?”

“My Aunt Bethany, who wrote the Smart Teens; Smart Choices book has a PhD in clinical psychology and we talked a lot before she went to Sweden. I’ll see her when I go there next month. She comes back to the US in August. You really need to get a copy of that book. They’ll have it at Borders or Barnes & Noble. If you can go out today, do it and read the book. It’ll explain a lot of things that will help you.”

“You’re younger than me and you know so much more about sex! And you like both boys and girls!”

Well, I liked boys for sure, but I was curious about girls, and Marcella had made me feel just as squishy inside as Ed did, though nothing like what I felt when I imagined what it would be like with Dad!

“We talked about sex at home, as I said in Vermont,” I replied. “My parents know I’m taking birth control pills and they’re cool with it. Seriously, read the book and you’ll learn a lot.”

“I wish I could see you again, but I don’t know how.”

“If your parents won’t allow it, I’m not sure how that can happen. Until you’re eighteen, they’re the boss of you.”

“But you can do whatever you want, can’t you?”

“Sort of,” I replied. “I can’t do anything that would disappoint my dad or violate the trust he puts in me. But if you mean have whoever I want as a friend and go where I want and have sex if I want, that’s true.”

“Do you know anyone who lives in New York?”

“My dad has friends there,” I said. “Why?”

“Maybe you could visit them and I could see you.”

“And if your parents found out?” I asked.

“They’d freak,” Marcella replied dejectedly. “My parents don’t trust any of my friends because they think they’re all lesbians now and ‘bad influences’.”

“Ugh! My brother’s moms are lesbian and nobody freakin’ cares! Well, OK, there are some morons who care, but most people just don’t give a flying fuck! I have gay and lesbian friends and nobody in our group cares about that! And you know about Katy and Amy, obviously. What did your parents say about them?”

“They said they had decided to cancel their reservations for next year. I’m not sure if they did that or not.”

“I didn’t hear anything from Katy and she would have said something.”

“What do I do?” Marcella asked.

“Is there an adult, like a counselor at school, you could talk to?”

“I go to an exclusive private school. They’d take my parents’ side for sure because Dad makes big donations to them in addition to the tuition.”

What I wanted to do was fly down to New York and beat some sense into her parents, but Sensei Jim wouldn’t approve, and I’d never, ever get my black belt if I did something like that.

“What about a parent of one of your friends?” I suggested hopefully.

“I don’t think so. I’ve heard my dad’s friends say stuff like girls are only lesbians because they’ve never done it with a guy who can make them have an orgasm.”

“Oh, give me a break!” I declared in exasperation. “That has literally nothing to do with it! My Aunt Jennifer and my dad had great sex, but emotionally she needed a female partner, and doesn’t want anything to do with a penis! And by all reports, my dad is awesome at it.”

“Gross! You know about what your dad does?”

“It’s not gross. How do you think we got here? Our parents obviously had sex, and my mom is VERY happy, so put two and two together!”

“I don’t even want to think about that!”

“So don’t,” I replied. “But the point is, my Aunt Jennifer, Katy, Amy, and others were born that way and no amount of sex with a guy, no matter how good he is, is going to change that! There are bisexual people who like both boys and girls, but I don’t think that’s you.”

“No,” Marcella admitted quietly and reluctantly, “it’s not. I don’t want to even kiss a guy; I want to kiss girls.”

“Exactly!”

“Seriously, could you come to New York?”

“I’d have to ask my dad, but I’m concerned about your parents finding out. The problem is I’m flying home on Sunday, and then we’re going to Europe in a couple of weeks and we’ll be there for about three weeks. Let me talk to my dad and see what he says. I’ll see him on Sunday, but I’ll probably talk to him later today.”

“Is it OK to call you?”

“Always! You can IM me, too. Well, I guess not from what you said about your dad spying on you.”

“Yeah. Fortunately, Teri has a mobile phone I can use. If you call this number, you can leave a message with her and she’ll get it to me.”

“OK. Talk to you soon!”

“Bye!”

“Bye!”

I snapped my phone shut and thought about calling Dad, but it was before 6:00am in California, and I didn’t want to wake him up if he was sleeping late.

[San Francisco, California] 🎤 Steve

“I had a great week!” Nalani declared as we left the room to have breakfast in the hotel restaurant.

“Me, too. What are you doing for the rest of the Summer?”

“Lūʻaus, the beach, friends, more beach, surfing ... I live in Hawai’i! You’re going to Europe, right?”

“Sweden and Russia.”

“Is the whole family going?”

“Jesse, Birgit, and Ashley. Stephie decided she’d rather visit her grandparents, Albert is visiting his girlfriend in Leeds, England, and Matthew and Michael are going to Spain with their mom and her boyfriend.”

“Do you ever take a family vacation?”

“Occasionally. The last one was Disney World, and that included everyone — kids, moms, and significant others.”

My mobile phone vibrated, and I slipped it from my pocket.

“I need to take this,” I said.

“Work?”

“Daughter.”

“So the REAL boss!” Nalani teased.

I laughed, shook my head, and flipped open the phone.

“Yes, Your Highness?” I said, winking at Nalani.

“FINALLY!” Birgit giggled.

“What can I do for you, Pumpkin?”

“Well, that went downhill fast!” she replied. “I want to go to New York to see my new friend Marcella.”

“Where in New York?”

“Upper East Side of Manhattan.”

“You’d stay with them?”

“Uhm, no. I’d call Katy Anisimov. They still have their apartment near the UN, right?”

“Yes,” I replied. “But why did the hairs on the back of my neck suddenly stand up?”

“Because you’re my dad!” Birgit replied. “It’s a long story, but the very short version is they discovered she’s a lesbian and she needs someone to talk to because her parents don’t accept it.”

“She’d have to sneak around to see you?”

“Yes.”

“That sounds like a bad idea,” I replied. “I’m not telling you ‘no’, but you have to think through the consequences, both for you, and especially for her. If you decide to go, call Laurel at the travel agency and book the tickets.”

“Thanks, Dad! I’ll think about it and text you.”

We said ‘goodbye’, I closed the phone to disconnect the call, and slipped it back into my pocket.

“You’ll really let her make that decision on her own?” Nalani asked.

“Absolutely. She’s fourteen and mature enough to make her own decisions. I trust her to make a wise decision.”

“Will she go?”

“She’ll weigh the benefits and risks, and I expect she’ll decide not to go, despite feeling passionate about the issue. In the end, she’ll accept that the risk to her friend is too great, and she’ll look for another way to help her.”

“And if she decides to go?”

“Then we’ll accept the consequences and deal with the fallout. But that’s what’ll drive her decision — the consequences for her friend could be very serious.”

“Can I ask?”

“You can, but I can’t answer. I only discussed it with you because you heard one side of the conversation.”

“Sorry.”

“Never apologize for asking a question! Accept that someone might not be able to answer or might not want to answer, but don’t be afraid to ask questions, ever! That’s the key to my philosophical method.”

[Rochester, Minnesota] 🎤 Jesse

“I called today to find out what happened to Bill yesterday,” Scarlett said when she sat down next to me at lunch. “He was denied bail because he’s from out of state. His lawyer is appealing, but I don’t know on what grounds.”

“Generally, you can get bail for most things except murder, even if the bail is very high,” I said. “But I don’t know how it works in Minnesota. I’m pretty sure for him to get it, they’d have to have a place here for him to stay until the trial is completed, and maybe even some kind of electronic monitoring, or house arrest. I’d guess the judge and prosecutor feel he’d try to run back to Ohio and avoid extradition somehow.”

“I thought that was automatic, or at least that what they said in American Government in High School.”

“That’s what I was taught, too. I think before the 1980s, it was at the discretion of the governor, but the Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution requires it. But that means Ohio would have to find and arrest him, and they may not want to use their resources for a case like this which could be spun as regret after the fact, which is what the paper said his lawyer said.”

“But if they have to extradite, wouldn’t they have to find and arrest him?”

“Nothing says how much effort they have to put into finding him,” I replied. “I’d have to ask a lawyer friend, but a federal judge couldn’t say, order the Ohio State Patrol to do a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in Ohio!”

Scarlett laughed, “I know that one! The Fugitive! It’s an awesome movie!”

“I think they have Bill dead to rights, and if he can’t make bail, he agrees to some kind of plea bargain. But he’s totally screwed because about six years ago, every state was required to create a sex offender registry, and he’ll likely be on it for the rest of his life.”

“Whoa! That sucks!”

“No kidding. It basically ruins your life. I don’t know if there’s a way around that, but he better hope his lawyer is really good.”

“What’s the plan for tomorrow?” Scarlett asked.

“Mary and Don will pick us up at 5:15pm, we’ll go to dinner, then back to their house.”

“Cool! Did you see you’re at the top of the goalie chart?”

“I did, but there’s still this afternoon and tomorrow!”

“You’ll do it! I’m positive!”

“Thanks.”

[Apple Orchard Bed-and-Breakfast near Montpelier, Vermont] 🎤 Birgit

“Sometimes I hate my life,” I groused to Katy after lunch.

“Oh, give me a break!” Katy exclaimed, shaking her head. “What in Loki’s name happened now?”

“I want to do something and dad gave me permission, but I can’t do it.”

“As in, you’re physically unable or because it’s illegal?”

“No,” I replied. “Because Dad said I had to think through the potential consequences, you know, do what he calls ‘risk analysis’ and that’s why.”

“Being a mature, responsible adult is not what you’ve always thought it was, is it?” Katy asked.

“No,” I replied. “And that sucks!”

“I do believe your dad and I, along with a host of others, have tried to explain that to you since you started talking. What is it you want to do?”

“Marcella called from New York and she really wants to see me to talk, but her parents would never agree. Oh, she said they’re going to cancel their reservation for next year.”

“I’m not surprised,” Katy replied. “Go on.”

“Anyway, she lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and I thought about staying in Katy Anisimov’s apartment. The problem would be that Marcella would have to sneak to see me, and if her parents found out, they’d lose it even more because they’re homophobic! They’re planning to send her for ‘counseling’ to ‘help’ her with her ‘problem’.”

Katy sighed, “Some people will never learn. I think your analysis is correct, and going puts her at extreme risk. You’re only fourteen, so as long as your parents approve of you traveling there, nobody could really do anything about it. That said, if her parents were to accuse you of assaulting her, you could get into serious trouble.”

“I would never do that!” I protested.

Katy nodded, “I know that, but they could claim you did, and your life could become very, very difficult.”

“Like what happened with Jesse’s roommate at hockey camp,” I replied. “When I spoke to Jesse last night, he told me his roommate’s lawyer claimed it was consensual, but that she changed her mind afterwards. But what if Marcella said it was OK?”

“She’s fifteen, right? No state has their age of consent lower than sixteen, and I wouldn’t count on the fact that you’re fourteen to protect you. It probably would, but do you really want to take that risk?”

“But isn’t that true about having sex before I’m seventeen in Illinois?”

“It is, but usually it’s the girl’s parents who demand charges be filed, not the boy’s, and most prosecutors won’t charge for consensual sex between close-in-age teens. In this case, who knows what her parents might do or how politically connected they might be?”

“Parents and government need to butt out! She’s not even a year older than me! And I never said I was going to have sex with her!”

“Not in so many words,” Katy said with a smile. “But you appear to have a libido like your mom’s and sexual ethics similar to your dad’s.”

“So?”

“So I know you very well, Birgit Elizabeth, and you don’t fool me! Or your dad! Or your mom, for that matter!”

“It takes two to tango, as Aunt Jennifer says, and I’m not sure Marcella is ready for that. And, for me, it would just be a fun experiment. For her, well, I think it would mean more, and it might hurt her if I did it just because I wanted to see what it was like.”

“And there, young lady, is an example of the wisdom your dad has been trying to impart to you since you were born.”

“Being an adult sucks!” I groused.

“No, it doesn’t,” Katy countered. “Sometimes doing the right thing means denying our desires, and that’s a good thing. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do something, or that it’s good for you. Being an adult is all about knowing the difference and living your life to the fullest without crossing the line. Do you believe your dad thinks being an adult sucks?”

“No,” I admitted reluctantly.

“And do you like the freedom that comes with being a responsible adult?”

“You’ve spent WAY too much time with Dad!” I complained.

Katy laughed, “Poor baby! Defeated by logic and the Socratic method!”

“Ugh!”

“But seriously, Birgit, you’re making a wise decision. And, if you’re so hyped to experiment, ask Kjell to invite one of his lesbian friends on your camping trip. I’m sure he has one, and like all men, I’m positive he’d be happy to watch! Well, after you two get it out of your system!”

“As if!” I giggled. “I will NEVER get it out of my system! In fact, I want to get it INTO my system! And Loki isn’t allowing it!”

“Again, Poor Baby! But you’ll see Kjell soon!”

“But that’s a month away!”

“Just don’t kill him, please!” Katy smirked.

“Only within a millimeter of his life,” I giggled. “He won’t know what hit him!”

[San Francisco, California] 🎤 Steve

My phone vibrated about halfway through breakfast with Nalani, and I took it out of my pocket to see a text message.

Birgit: Not going to New York

I texted back ‘OK’, then closed the phone and slipped it back into my pocket.

“She chose not to go,” I said.

“Which was what you were sure she would do.”

“Not sure, but confident. People can always surprise you, and sometimes they behave inconsistently or, more often, fail to properly analyze the risks and rewards.”

“I wish my parents were as open-minded and permissive as you are!”

“May I remind the young lady that she just spent four days with a married man, sleeping in his bed?”

“That doesn’t mean they approve!” Nalani declared. “And they don’t know you’re married. They would never, ever understand.”

“But they’re allowing you to make your own decisions at nineteen. Granted, you wanted that earlier, but be honest, please — did they really put terrible restrictions on you? Or were you just being a typical teen pushing against what were, in effect, reasonable limits?”

“Stop being logical!” Nalani exclaimed.

I chuckled, “My kids, as ‘permissive’ as you think I am, push against the limits I set. It’s a normal thing for teenagers, and both parents and teens would be better served if parents acknowledged that and understood that it was not just normal, but necessary. One important part of growing up is having the freedom to test the limits while being responsible for what happens when you do. Not learning that as a teenager, or even a pre-teen, is a recipe for disaster later in life.”

“How so?”

“Both lockstep conformity and reckless rebellion are bad for the individual and for society. Being ‘chaotic good’ is probably the best plan for life.”

“What do you mean ‘chaotic good’?”

“It’s one of the nine Dungeons & Dragons alignments, which are combinations of two sets of characteristics. One set is about law versus chaos, and the other is good versus evil. Both also have neutral options. Someone who is ‘chaotic good’ is someone who does whatever is necessary to bring about change, but rejects bureaucratic organizations, especially government, that get in their way. Personal freedom is a key value, not just for themselves, but for others as well. They intend good outcomes, but are often out of sync with society.”