Chapter 55: Tying the Knot; Untying the Knot

May 17, 2002, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“I still can’t believe you’re going to a mosque for a prayer service,” Penny said on Friday morning.

“Why not? I’ve been to Jesse’s church, Buddhist services, and Shinto services, not to mention that I went to a prayer service at the mosque the Kuftaros attend in LA. I’m no more keen on Islam than I am Roman Catholicism, but I’d go to a wedding or funeral if I were invited. And so would you.”

“But Islam...”

“Islam what?” I asked.

“I know what you’re going to say in response — Northern Ireland.”

“Yes, because all human philosophies and all human endeavors can be perverted by their adherents and participants. That doesn’t necessarily make the philosophy or endeavor bad, though it might be an indication. My objection to Islam is its starkly negative view of humanity that, when it comes right down to it, is not all that different from Calvinism. And you know my problems with that.

“Remember, too, that the vast majority of Muslims live in peace in Indonesia, Malaysia, the US, and Turkey. The ideology behind the September 11 attacks is Wahhabism, which basically is a cultural thing in Saudi Arabia. Yes, it’s spread from there because the Saudis build mosques in other countries, but most Muslims don’t follow Wahhabism or the Salafist school.”

“Death to America?”

“A cult that is actually a minority in Iran, led by radicalized students who wrested control of the country from a corrupt regime. You’ve heard Sam’s stories about what Iran was like before the revolution.”

“Afghanistan? Pakistan?”

“It’s cultural in Afghanistan and the tribal areas of Pakistan. The dispute between Pakistan and India is cloaked in religion, but it goes deeper than that because of cultural divides and things done by the Brits. It’s similar to the situation in the Middle East and Africa — the borders between groups are totally fucked up because of European colonialism, and that leads to conflict.

“In some cases, religion is a proxy for ethnic disputes, but in many cases, the Iran/Iraq war being an example, it is cultural and political as much, if not more, than religious. The same is true in Northern Ireland. Protestant versus Catholic there is, in many ways, a proxy for Unionist versus Nationalist sentiment.”

“I have to ask — are all your kids going to the mosque?”

“All but Stephie. She adamantly refused to wear a scarf under any circumstances. She’s decided all boys and men are evil and she’s not budging.”

“Birgit is going to a mosque? And wearing a scarf?”

“Ashley convinced her. Stephie was having none of it. She’ll likely go to a friend’s house tomorrow to avoid the whole thing.”

“What did Nicholas do to make her so angry? Amber doesn’t know.”

“He didn’t do anything, which is actually the problem from Stephie’s perspective. Nicholas stopped allowing her to order him around and stopped doing what she wanted. That set her off because it happened right around the time she had the obvious sign of puberty.”

“So, what you’re saying is that Nicholas is behaving like every other guy on the planet?” Penny asked with a smirk. “With you being a prime example!”

“I’ll debate that with you, but taking it as true for the sake of this discussion, you don’t completely lose your shit over it.”

“Or so you think!”

“All kidding aside, we’re open to suggestions. Her sisters have tried. Her friends have tried. Nicholas is completely ignoring her, which is understandable. Ashley broached the subject of getting in touch with Katt and asking if Kristina could come to Stockholm and then Ashley could stay in Östersund rather than go to Russia with Stephie.”

“Not good. What did you say?”

“That we’d discuss it after the weekend. I’m inclined to let her do it, but that doesn’t solve the problem with Stephie.”

“Who’s her confidante?”

“She doesn’t have one.”

“She’s the only one, then, right?”

“Michael doesn’t, but he’s always been close to Matthew, and that seems to work for him. He has Eduardo, too, who’s more like an uncle than a dad. Michael is also the most chilled of the kids.”

“Calling any of your kids ‘chilled’ is a stretch!” Penny protested.

“He does his robotics stuff, plays video games, hangs out with a couple of close friends, goes to F1 races with Eduardo and Matthew, and generally doesn’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks about anything and doesn’t let anything bother him. His big upcoming excitement is going to a Sox game with his friend from Robotics, Andi. And not because she’s a girl, but because she’s into robotics.”

“How is Nicholas doing?”

“Great. He hangs with Jesse, Albert, Dave’s boys, and some guys from his hockey team. He just ignores Stephie. I’m hoping that when Bethany and Tom come back and he goes to live with them, and Stephie doesn’t have to see him every day, that reduces her stress level.”

“How is day four of the no propranolol experiment going?”

“Excellent. I no longer feel as if my senses are dulled slightly. It’s not a huge difference, but it is noticeable. I think the proof of my theory will come in the next poker tournament and the next time I need to do some new development rather than bug fixing and refactoring.”

“What signs would indicate a problem?”

“Me agreeing to your incessant demands to violate corporate policy!”

“As if I’d report THAT!” Penny laughed. “But seriously?”

“The real sign would be syncopal episodes, but poor decision making would be a warning sign, or feeling out of control.”

“Going back to Stephie, I’m going to assume anyone who is good friends with you or her moms is blacklisted; is there a teacher or a friend’s mom who might be a good confidante?”

“The problem with teachers is that the moment she reveals any of the inner workings of the family, they’ll be on the phone to DCFS. Nothing we’re doing is illegal, but they not only won’t care, they don’t HAVE to care about legality. If they, in their sole judgment, think a child is at risk, they remove the child and you have to prove you aren’t a danger.”

“I can’t believe the legislature hasn’t done anything to rein them in, given all the problems they’ve caused.”

“Any attempt to do that will be demagogued by the ‘think of the children’ crowd who will accuse any legislator of ‘endorsing child abuse’ and they’ll run election ads claiming the person wants to ‘destroy the only agency dedicated to protecting children’, and so on.”

“Why don’t I try to talk to her?”

“I’m not sure I could take another Penny!” I chuckled.

“You had NO complaints when I was fifteen!”

“Oh, I had plenty of complaints,” I retorted. “I just wasn’t dumb enough to complain to YOU!”

“Because,” she lowered her voice, “you didn’t want to lose access to the best pussy you’ve ever had!”

There was nothing to say to that, so I turned to my workstation and pulled up my development environment so we could begin work.

🎤 Ashley

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” Birgit said quietly as we moved to the women’s side of the mosque, which was separated from the men’s side by beautiful hanging tapestries.

“Just be glad the building didn’t collapse when we walked in!” I whispered back.

“If Dad can walk in, anyone can!” Birgit said.

We both giggled quietly, but two women stared at us, and we knew we had to be quiet and respectful. We were at the very back of the room, which had rugs on the floor for people to kneel on, but otherwise, it didn’t look at all like Jesse’s church. Unfortunately, unlike Jesse’s church, where they only used a little bit of Russian and Greek, all the prayers at the mosque were in Arabic, which meant I didn’t understand a word. Dad had warned us about that, and it really made no sense to me.

“That was like a total waste of time,” Birgit whispered when the service ended. “I didn’t understand a word!”

“Me, either. Well, except for the short part of the homily in English. But we showed respect for Dad’s friends and for the people who worship here peacefully.”

“You know my objection!” Birgit declared.

“Oh, I do,” I giggled. “Everyone needs to bow to the Empress of the Universe and do things her way!”

“You don’t agree with what they teach any more than I do!” Birgit declared.

“No,” I replied, “but we can respect their beliefs. We want them to respect ours, right?”

“You know the difference!”

“So don’t marry a Muslim! Problem solved!”

“I’m not going to marry anyone religious,” Birgit said. “And neither will you.”

“Duh!” I declared. “But so long as they mind their own business, I’ll mind mine! And remember, we’re having a great party tomorrow!”

“But no dancing. And only instrumental music.”

“Poor baby. Get extra cuddles from Dad in the morning.”

Of course, what she REALLY wanted was a horizontal dance with Dad, and I didn’t think that was going to happen. There was no way Mom and Kara Mom didn’t know what Birgit wanted, and if they knew, they’d have told Dad ‘no’ in no uncertain terms. Her mistake, if she hoped for that, was making it obvious to everyone what she wanted because something like that would have to be the best-kept secret in history.

“Ready to go, girls?” Kara Mom asked.

“Yes,” Birgit and I replied.

I’d convinced Birgit to ride with Mom and Kara Mom in Mom’s BMW. Dad had Suzanne, Albert, and Jesse with him, but Nicholas hadn’t been allowed to attend because Aunt Bethany had said ‘no’ when Dad had spoken to her. I thought Aunt Bethany was being dumb, but it was up to her, not me.

May 18, 2002, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Birgit

“Care to explain?” Dad asked when I climbed into the chaise early on Saturday morning.

“Explain what?” I asked.

“Why you rode with your moms yesterday.”

“You do remember telling me that I should try to improve my relationship with my mom, right?”

“I do remember. Did you do that on your own?”

I so wanted to say ‘yes’, but if he ever found out that wasn’t true, I’d be toast.

“Ashley might have suggested it,” I said.

“Might?” Dad prompted.

“She said I was treating Mom the way Stephie treats everyone.”

“She’s not wrong. Well, for the past year or so. What made you agree?”

I couldn’t tell him the complete truth, but I could tell him something that was true.

“I don’t like disappointing you, Dad,” I said.

“So the war is over?”

“I’m trying, Dad,” I said.

“Any idea how we can help your other sister?”

“Ugh,” I groaned. “Ashley is right about wanting to stay in Östersund. Stephie needs to get a grip.”

“Any suggestions on who could help her?”

“I don’t think she’ll talk to anyone,” I said. “But maybe one of your Swedish friends could help her.”

“Pumpkin, you’re a genius!” Dad exclaimed.

“I know!” I giggled. “Who?”

“Tina. Anna is the right age, and there’s no baggage.”

“They live in the same city as Katt, right?”

“Yes. And they’re planning to be in Stockholm. I’m going to see if they’ll invite Stephie to share a room with Anna, and then invite her to Östersund. I know Ashley wants to hang out there with Katt, but they can stay away from Stephie. Or maybe Stephie will chill and they can hang out.”

“Don’t get your hopes up, Dad!”

“A change of environment and no Nicholas might be the just the thing we need to break the spell. And Tina is totally awesome.”

“She’s the one who had the crush on you when she was twelve, right?”

“Yes. And we’ve been pen pals since 1980.”

“Why not use the computer?” I asked.

“Because it’s not the same,” Dad replied. “There’s something different about using regular mail.”

“But you use computers for everything!” I protested.

“Exactly,” Dad replied. “And not using them is what makes things special with Tina.”

“Did you two...”

“You know I won’t answer that, nosy daughter! You’re free to ask Tina if you want, but I wouldn’t count on an answer.”

“You promised to tell me all about the first Birgit.”

“I did, because I felt you should know about the young woman you’re named after; I still do.”

“Full details?” I asked hopefully.

“Yes.”

I giggled, “Wow!”

“Not THOSE details!” Dad replied, shaking his head.

“Bummer” I giggled.

“You’re bad, Birgit Elizabeth!”

And when I was really bad, I was sure I’d be really good!

🎤 Steve

“No karate today, Dad?” Albert asked as he helped me move furniture in the great room.

“It would have been too rushed. I spoke to Sensei Jim in advance. And I let my students know about the afternoon class. Did you and Aimee finalize your plans?”

“Yes. I called Grandpa Adams last night and then called Aunt Joyce. Everything is arranged.”

“Is Aimee bringing Elizabeth?”

“Yes. John couldn’t get leave for the weekend. Aimee said he’s putting in his papers, because he has twenty years in. He’s going to try to find a job with a defense contractor.”

“That should be a piece of cake for a Commander.”

“That’s what Aimee said. I think her dad might offer John a job even though he’s not a shooter. He is qualified Expert with a pistol, rifle, and shotgun, but as he says, if he ever had to use them on a carrier, things are already so bad that it likely wouldn’t do much good!”

“He has a point. Do you plan to be back for the Memorial Day party?”

“Yes. Aimee said she doesn’t have to be back until Wednesday, so she’ll fly back east on Tuesday.”

“How old is Elizabeth?” I asked. “Six?”

“Five. She won’t be six until December.”

“Before I forget, your tickets for England arrived. The rest of us are flying non-stop to Stockholm, so you’ll be on your own.”

“I could fly the freaking plane if they’d let me!” Albert declared. “But the dumb rules say I have to have an escort from British Airways because I’m not fifteen! I’m a Boy Scout and am more responsible than most grown-ups!”

“You know my feelings,” I said. “But unfortunately for both of us, I’m not in charge. Did Jane tell you what you guys were doing?”

“Going to Scotland, where we’ll see Loch Ness, taking the ferry to Amsterdam, and spending a couple of days in London. Amanda is going with us, just like last time.”

“Sounds like fun! I have a friend who lives in Amsterdam if you want a guide.”

“One of your girls?”

“A female friend, yes, but she’s married and has a one-year-old. Her name is Karla. I also have a friend who is a KLM stewardess, but she’s on flights to the Orient and the Middle East, so she’s likely not available. There’s also my friend Hans.”

“Let me check with Amanda and let you know.”

“OK.”

We finished moving the furniture to make as much room as possible in the great room as we were expecting around 150 people for the ceremony and the celebration.

“How does the wedding ceremony work?” Albert asked.

“It’s very simple. First, there will be a brief sermon. Then the Imam asks if there is any impediment to marriage and then verifies they both consent. Aisyah’s signature on the contract, confirmed by my signature, is sufficient, so she won’t say anything. Hassan will say that his first marriage ended when his wife died of cancer. Then Hassan will give her the wedding gift, called «mahr». After the gifts, they each say ‘I accept’ three times in Arabic. And finally, they sign the contract, which I also sign to confirm, and two men from the mosque sign as witnesses. Then, to make it legal in Illinois, they’ll all sign the marriage license.”

“That sounds like it takes about fifteen minutes, max.”

“That’s about it,” I said. “There’s a procession in before the ceremony and then the party afterwards, which will go until at least midnight, which is when Hassan and Aisyah will leave.”

“But no booze, right?”

“Correct. There will be a bit of dancing, but Muslim style, with all the men in a circle around the couple.”

“My sisters are going to LOVE that!”

“I had a long talk with Birgit, and she’s tolerating it. You know Stephie is going to Brooke’s house because she refuses to participate in anything where it looks to her as if the men are in control.”

“But most of these people aren’t like the Khans, right?”

“Correct. Hassan obviously has no problem with Aisyah working or speaking with men or any of the kinds of things that Amir Khan would never have permitted.”

“Yusef told me he wants to study engineering at MIT or Stanford,” Albert said.

“If Yusef can obtain a visa, I’m sure Amir will allow that.”

“What next?”

“We need to go to the store to get ice. Everything else is basically set. Mrs. Kuftaro, Birgit, Ashley, Kara, Suzanne, Estrella, and Yuriko are in the kitchen making some kind of Lebanese desserts. I think the combination of estrogen and sugar is an indication I should stay out of there.”

Albert laughed, “I’m with you, Dad! But you’re the one who overloaded the Compound with estrogen!”

“Your Aunt Elyse is partly to blame because she moved out to the burbs and Matthew and Michael went with her, which seriously reduced the testosterone levels!”

“Yes, but who had THREE daughters? Hmm?”

“Well, Birgit was here before you arrived.”

“And to think you could have stopped when I was born!”

“Now you sound like Jesse!” I chuckled.

“OK, Ashley is fine. But Stephie, well ... never mind.”

“I hear you. Let me get the car keys.”

🎤 Birgit

“I don’t think we can let Dad within ten feet of the «nammoura»!” I declared. “The syrup alone would send him right into shock!”

“I don’t think the «sfouf» or «ma’amoul» are any better!” Suzanne added.

“What’s wrong with your father?” Mrs. Kuftaro asked.

“He has to eat a very low-carbohydrate diet,” I said. “Otherwise, he risks messing up his blood chemistry.”

“He said nothing in California!” Mrs. Kuftaro replied, sounding concerned.

“He felt accepting your hospitality was more important,” Mom said. “Please don’t worry about it. He arranged with the caterers for food that fits his diet.”

“What about dessert?”

“That’s what Ashley and I are working on,” Mom said. “A special cake that he can eat made with almond flour.”

“When do we need to start the coffee, Maryam?” Suzanne asked.

“It needs to be fresh, so not until right before it’s served,” Maryam replied. “We’ll make it immediately before we serve the desserts. We just need to have boiling water ready.”

“How much?” I asked. “There are going to be a lot of people here!”

“It’s not served like Starbucks does in a twenty-ounce cup!” Maryam said. “It’s more like about an ounce per person. So we’ll only need about two US gallons.”