Chapter 54: Respect

May 12, 2002, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“Just me, and not Suzanne and Natalie?” Jackson asked when I invited him to the sauna on Sunday, just after lunch.

“Yes. You’re in the best position to give me dispassionate advice. I let Suzanne and Natalie know.”

We headed to the basement where I’d pre-heated the sauna. We undressed, went in, I ladled water onto the rocks, and we sat down as steam began to rise and fill the room.

“I’m thinking about going off the propranolol,” I said.

“I see exactly where this is going!” Jackson declared, shaking his head. “You need help with Liz, and you want me to walk into that buzz saw with you!”

“No greater love has a man than he lay down his life for his friends,” I replied with a grin.

“There’s a difference between giving up one’s life and suicide!” Jackson countered. “But lay it out.”

I took him through the same thought process I’d had when speaking to Rachel Kealty, and the conclusion I’d reached.

“You left out the bourbon,” he said when I finished.

“I figured that was a losing argument, as much as I enjoy that minor vice!”

“I see why you wanted to speak to me alone. Most of the girls, Liz being the prime counter-example, prefer you edgy, to some degree or other. I think I’d have to base my decision on two questions. First, how badly is it affecting your work? Second, can you manage the risks?”

“The first one is easy — not being able to get into my zone makes me seriously less productive when I’m working on new development or refactoring old code. Being able to get into my zone is what sets me apart from the other excellent software engineers at NIKA. Dave will notice once I turn over the reins of the Managed Services business unit to a new director, and that will cause him serious heartburn.”

“You know why I didn’t ask about poker, right?”

I chuckled, “Because if it were up to the men, thinking only about poker, they’d want me to increase my dosage, not go off the drug completely!”

“Any edge we can get!” Jackson declared. “What about risk?”

“First, I’d keep the fast-acting propranolol handy in case I felt a manic episode coming on, but overall, so long as I stick to the rules, the risks are minimal.”

“Says the man for whom breaking the rules is a point of pride.”

“You don’t disagree with me on that, at least in principle.”

“That’s true, but I also don’t have two hundred people who depend on me to put food on their table, clothes on their backs, and allow them to drive Porsches!”

I chuckled, “Most staff have practical cars. There are far more BMWs and Lexuses than muscle cars or sports cars.”

“You do see the difference, right?” Jackson asked. “I can’t argue with Liz’s analysis that if you make one misjudgment with regard to breaking the rules, the whole thing could come crashing down. You know I don’t have a problem with your wide and varied group of lovers, but you can’t fish in the company pond. Period. You tell Liz that, and stick to it, and I think she’ll grudgingly agree. But don’t tell her that if you can’t, or rather won’t, stick to it. She will turn you in. And you know what that means.”

“I do.”

“Here’s the deal — I’ll support you if and only if you give me your solemn word that you won’t break the rules about women who work for your company. And I mean, as solemn as any promise you’ve ever made to Birgit. That is, after all, your ‘Gold Standard’ for commitments, even more so than with your wives or your closest friends.”

“I can do that,” I said firmly.

“You also need to stick to your low-carb diet. I get your need to honor hospitality, but you can’t put your health at risk. I’m reasonably sure a simple word to either imam would have solved the problem with no hard feelings. Your family, friends, and employees can’t take second place to your misplaced notion of behaving honorably.”

“Anything else?” I asked.

“No. That’s it,” Jackson replied, then grinned, “Holly has a friend who could serve as a balm for your wounded psyche!”

“You think what you just said hurt?”

“In a sense, it had to. Forget the ‘company dock’ bit, because, in the scheme of things, that just doesn’t change much of anything. But I did hone in on one of your core values, and that is that hospitality always takes precedence. For you, meals are as important as they were to Jesus, and I just insisted you change the dynamic. It’s a core, fundamental precept, and you have to change it.

“My point with the comment about Holly’s friend was really to make a point — making the promise about NIKA does not interfere in any way, shape, or form with your ability to mentor people, which is another core precept for you. The only thing it limits is physical intimacy. And if that’s a problem, which I can’t imagine, I’m sure that Suzanne, Holly, Natalie, and I can hook you up with as many willing girls as you can handle!”

I chuckled, “The goal is to avoid those manic phases!”

“Bah, that expression of mania is just who you are. I mean, OK, maybe you want to slow down, but the point I’m making is that you don’t have to if you don’t want to. And I know from the past few years, that if you go off the drug, the girls will come out of the woodwork again because besides attenuating your gut, interfering with your ability to read people, and keeping you out of your zone, it attenuates what Suzanne and the other girls call your ‘vibe’. I feel it, too, but thankfully it doesn’t make me want to sleep with you!”

“Thankfully,” I chuckled.

“You have my advice, and my conditions.”

“I can meet them,” I replied.

“Yes, but WILL you?”

I laughed, “So, now the student becomes the master?”

“Steve, if I’ve learned ANYTHING from you, there’s a difference between being able to do something and actually committing to doing it!”

“I will,” I said, then smirked, “Now, out of curiosity, about this girl...”

Jackson smiled, “Eighteen, about to graduate from High School, and totally intrigued by Holly’s description of the mentoring relationship. She thinks it would be extraordinarily valuable and asked Holly to approach you. The opportunity arose for me to bring it up, so I did.”

“Major?”

“Linguistics, with a plan to get a PhD and teach at the university level.”

“I don’t believe I know anyone who’s majored in linguistics,” I replied. “Do you know her motivation?”

“She speaks five languages and is intrigued by language.”

“Five? I’m an outlier because I speak three reasonably well and can have basic conversations or read a few others.”

“English, Swedish, and Spanish I know. What others?”

“German, Dutch, and French. And while I can’t read it, I know a smattering of Japanese. From the way you said it, she’s fluent. Which languages?”

“English, Spanish, French, German, and Dutch.”

“She grew up in Europe, didn’t she?”

“Her dad is in the diplomatic corps, and she’s lived in Germany, the Netherlands, and Spain.”

“I have to ask, why would a young woman with that kind of experience need a mentor like me? She’s certainly going to have a much better worldview than the average person I encounter.”

“According to Holly, Antoinette is extremely book smart, but had difficulty with common sense and critical thinking. Think Emilee or Val.”

I nodded, “OK, that makes sense, and I’m going to guess she moved often.”

“Correct.”

“How did Holly meet her?”

“They were next-door neighbors when Antoinette was in grade school and when Antoinette was in the US for a couple of years while her mom underwent successful cancer treatment. They’ve kept in touch, and Antoinette will move to Chicago once she finishes at the International School of Amsterdam.”

“A well-regarded school with a very high percentage of Japanese students, if I recall correctly from an article in The Economist.”

“No clue.”

“Bring her to Philosophy Club and we’ll take it from there.”

“Did I mention Holly said Antoinette is a strawberry blonde Steve type?” Jackson asked with a smirk.

“Did I mention your wife is a troublemaker, similar to most of the other women in my life?”

“That’s what makes her so much fun!” Jackson declared.

🎤 Birgit

“How was your date on Friday?” I asked Tabitha when she came to the house so we could walk to Libby’s for our Hangout.

“He’s nice,” Tabitha said.

“Did you find out how old he is?”

“Fifty-five. He has a son older than me!”

“Is he married?”

“Separated. Illinois has some law about having to be legally separated for a time before you can get a divorce.”

“I remember something like that when my Aunt Stephanie got divorced, but I don’t know the details. Are you going out with him again?”

“Yes.”

“So, you like older guys?”

“I think so. I like your dad a lot, but obviously, he’s taken.”

“You could always apply to be wife number four!” I teased.

“I don’t think your dad wants another wife, and I want to be able to have children. He can’t.”

“How is your job?”

“Good. I like working there and they’re training me to run everything in the store. If things go well, I’ll become an assistant manager by next Summer. Someday I’ll be managing my own store.”

“That’s cool. Have you heard anything from your parents?”

“Just another letter begging me to give up my ‘reprobate’ lifestyle. I sent them a 45RPM of Only The Good Die Young as a reply.”

I laughed, “You’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, because the sinners are much more fun!”

“Yes! I had no idea what it meant to be alive before I met your dad.”

“He does have that effect on girls!” I giggled. “Speaking of girls, did Hope move in?”

“Yes. We have a lot in common, really. Her grandfather and her former pastor are friends with my former pastor.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like! I can’t stand anyone telling me what to do, and especially when they claim to get it by secret communication with an invisible being I can’t talk to!”

“Mostly it comes from the Bible.”

“That doesn’t change anything. One day, some guy said ‘Hey, God secretly told me this stuff and you all have to believe it’. But nobody can agree on which book is really true, and they contradict each other. Heck, Christians can’t even agree on which books belong in the Bible!

“Any way you look at it, the only way they can say they are right is to say ‘because I said so!’ which is the dumbest answer to any question ever asked! I know some parents who use that, and all kids hate it because it’s dumb! If you can’t defend it or explain it, you shouldn’t say it! Dad never says that even when he imposes punishment! He explains why and allows us to debate it with him.”

“Your dad doesn’t punish you, and you know it!” Tabitha declared. “He just challenges you to do better.”

“Which is the right way to do it, not like ... uhm, never mind.”

Tabitha laughed, “Like your mom?”

“Yes, but I can’t say that, or even really think it, because Dad would be unhappy with me.”

“Which is how he gets you to behave, isn’t it? You don’t want to disappoint him or make him unhappy, so you do what he wants you to do.”

She was right, of course.

“True,” I admitted. “His yoke is easy and his burden is light.”

“You know the Scriptures?”

“Duh! Just because I don’t believe they’re true doesn’t mean I didn’t read them. I mean, I’ve read all the Harry Potter books even though I don’t believe in magic. And the rules to Quidditch make more sense than the rules in the Bible! I mean, how can I take any god seriously if they ban bacon and cheeseburgers! Then someone comes along and says ‘never mind, that was the old way, I have a new way, but honestly, this is from the same god’.”

“It’s a new covenant,” Tabitha protested.

“But think about it! First, you’re required to cut off your foreskin if you’re a guy to prove loyalty to this invisible being, the same one who said ‘Kill your son’ to Abraham, but then, just as that whack job was about to do it, the same invisible being says ‘Nah, just kidding!’. Then, when you’re trying to get converts later for a new version of the religion, and adults object to having part of their dick cut off, you say, ‘never mind, that is the old way’.

“And then we can compare the Qur’an and the Bible and find all sorts of contradictions. Again, allegedly the same invisible being that Abraham listened to, and who liked to pretend to be a burning bush or a pillar of smoke or whatever. How is that any different from Zeus being a swan or Loki a salmon, a mare, a fly, or an old woman named Þök? Do you see why I don’t take any of it seriously?”

“I suppose so. Your dad isn’t so sure.”

“Actually, the only real difference is that he finds the small parts of wisdom in those books and uses that to figure out his own views. He needs spirituality, I don’t.”

“So, what happens when you die?”

“I have no clue, and I don’t intend to find out anytime soon!”

We arrived at Libby’s, rang the bell, then went right in as usual to join the rest of our friends.

🎤 Steve

“I want to stop taking propranolol,” I said to my wives as we relaxed in the ‘Indian’ room after the kids had gone to bed.

“Why?” Jessica asked.

“Because, among other things, I haven’t been able to get deep into my zone since I started taking it. That’s the most important reason, really, but it also interferes with my reads at the poker table, and I’m pretty sure it led me to miss something important in my dealings with Rachel. The ‘edge’, as Elyse calls it, is what makes me, me. So while propranolol has no direct psychoactive effects, it has changed who I am.

“You know I only went back on it because Liz insisted, but I would say that the results of what happened in Los Angeles showed that my judgment wasn’t impaired. In my mind, Liz overreacted, and that was Alejandra’s take as well. I know everyone has a varied opinion on this, but I’m not myself, and that’s my basic measurement of whether I’m willing to take a drug.

“I had a good talk with Jackson earlier, and he’s willing to be my second in the duel with Liz, though he extracted two commitments from me in exchange for doing so. First, I commit without reservation to not become physically involved with anyone at NIKA, though Elyse is an obvious exception, but the only one. Second, that I agree to set aside my personal rule for always accepting hospitality and follow my diet to the letter.”

“And you agreed to that?!” Jessica asked, surprised.

“I did. I mean, I can already have cake and by the end of the Summer, ice cream, so there won’t be any need to cheat on my birthday, for example. And I can forego the burgers with my dad when I’m in Ohio, which doesn’t happen that often.”

“But can you really keep those commitments, Tiger?”

“Jackson played the ultimate trump — he said I had to keep them as solemnly as I would any promise I’ve made to Birgit or he wouldn’t agree.”

“Do you know how annoying that is?” Kara huffed.

“Let it go, Kara,” Jessica advised. “She’s trying, and you’ve yet to name a single time when Steve had sided with her over you on anything important!”

“Discipline?” Kara countered.

“Has he failed to back you up even one time?” Jessica asked.

“She knows he doesn’t agree!” Kara protested.

“Meaningless,” Jessica said flatly. “He backs you every single time. And be honest, she rarely does anything that needs discipline. She just knows how to get under your skin, and if you want to blame someone for that, talk to Jesse and Albert, those two little so-and-sos are experts. Trust me!”

“You’re both missing the real troublemaker in the mix,” Suzanne said with a silly smile, “Ashley! She has Jessica’s cool-headed logic, Steve’s playfulness, and is WAY more circumspect than her sisters! Does anyone not know what Birgit wants or how Stephie feels about Nicholas? But tell me, what does Ashley think?”

“She has a point,” I chuckled. “And, Kara, seriously, you’re letting a thirteen-year-old get under your skin, and worse, letting her know it!”

“Fine,” Kara huffed, then her face softened, “I’m sorry. She is trying.”

“She certainly is,” I chuckled, “in every sense of that word!”

All three of my wives laughed.

“Jess, I agree with Steve,” Kara said. “But I know you have concerns.”

“I agree with Steve as well,” Suzanne said. “But Jessica, you’re the doctor.”

“Babe?” I queried.

“If you keep your promise about your diet, which you haven’t from day one, and carry fast-acting propranolol with you in the event you feel manic, then I’ll support going off daily propranolol. But I’m not kidding, Tiger. No cheating on your diet. None.”

“Jackson said the same thing.”

“I wondered why you wanted to speak to him alone,” Suzanne said. “You didn’t put up the ‘privacy please’ sign, so it wasn’t you taking a walk on the wild side!”

“As if THAT is going to happen,” I chuckled. “Jackson actually mentioned the vibe and said it didn’t make him want to sleep with me, to which I replied ‘Thankfully’ and he agreed. His take, by the way, is that the diet part is the real challenge because giving and accepting hospitality is core to who I am, and that the other issue — girls who work at NIKA — was really irrelevant because, as Jasmine put it when I last saw her, I get all the pussy I could ever want or handle. Jackson even offered a balm for my wounded psyche!”

“Of course he did!” Kara exclaimed mirthfully. “Who?”

“A friend of Holly’s who will start at UofC in the fall and who is interested in being mentored.”

“Why wouldn’t Jackson offer? Or Holly?” Jessica asked.

“Steve, I’ll answer,” Suzanne said. “Because Holly and Jackson are exclusive. They discussed it before they tied the knot, and concluded that it was best for them to be monogamous, so the implied physical part of mentoring would be right out. And Antoinette is Holly’s friend, so she can’t really do it. And mentoring does not necessarily lead there, as Emilee demonstrated.”

I wasn’t surprised that Suzanne knew the girl’s name or that Jackson might have conferred with her. That was the entire point of the Inner Circle. I suspected Natalie knew as well.

“And Rachel Kealty?” Kara asked.

“My conversation with her is what triggered my reevaluation of my willingness to take propranolol,” I said. “I can’t really violate her confidence by explaining exactly what happened, but I made a suggestion without properly considering what the end result of that suggestion would be. I totally missed it, to the point of not even considering the possibility. And that concerns me, because that rarely happens. Well, not since Michelle, anyway, and that’s roughly seven years ago. Combine that with what I said about my zone and the poker table, and you can see why I want to make the change.”

“Are you sleeping with her?” Kara inquired.

“No. I’d have told you if I was. It’s possible that might happen, but you know what happened with Luisa, at least in outline. And Jess knows all the details about what happened with Emilee because she and Emilee discussed it. I honestly think there will be more like Emilee in the future; in fact, most likely the majority.”

“What Steve failed to say,” Suzanne said impishly, “is that Antoinette is a strawberry blonde Steve type!”

“Of course she is!” Jessica said, laughing. “Tiger, are you going to call Mary?”

“Yes. They’ll be here for the Memorial Day weekend, but I want to stop right away. She’ll insist I have a physical.”

“I’ll ask Malik to do it,” Jessica said. “He can write the scrip for the fast-acting substitute. He’ll be able to see you anytime tomorrow, I’m sure. I’ll call you as soon as I speak to him.”