Chapter 48: Repairing Relationships

April 27, 2002, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Birgit

“Can I talk to you?” I asked Mom after Dad had left for the dojo with Avanti.

“‘Indian’ room?” Mom suggested.

“Yes,” I agreed.

We went in and I shut the door behind us, then we sat down in two of the basket chairs I liked so much. Dad had said what I needed to do, but he didn’t say how I needed to do it.

“Why do you treat me like I’m still a baby?” I asked.

“Nurse you? Change your diaper? Burp you? Bathe you?” Mom asked.

I struggled not to roll my eyes, but I was sure Mom knew that.

“That’s not what I meant!” I protested.

“What other way could you have meant it? Your dad has insisted we treat you like a young woman from the time you were a toddler, and we have. But in the last two years, you’ve decided that’s not good enough, at least with me. It’s not ‘treating you like a baby’ to ask for basic respect and for you to treat me the way you treat Katy or MC, or your dad.”

NOBODY was treated the way I treated Dad because he was so special! Even when he got on my case the way he had earlier, it was WAY different from how Mom treated me.

“I think you’re overly critical,” I said.

“May I point out that your dad corrects you an order of magnitude more than I do and you don’t think he’s hypercritical?!”

“It’s different,” I said.

“How so? Mom asked.

“He just talks to me and we discuss it and he lets me draw my own conclusions.”

“Because you actually talk with him on an almost daily basis!” Mom protested. “You generally can’t be bothered with talking with me. You talk at me, not with me. You tell me things when you feel like it, but we don’t ever have mother-daughter talks. I’ve offered, but in the past two years, you haven’t shown a bit of interest. You got your period, and suddenly I was perceived as the enemy, even though I’m not your enemy.”

“Isn’t it up to me?” I asked.

Mom nodded, “It is, but as your dad says — actions have consequences. You don’t have to talk to me, and nobody is going to make you talk to me, but I’ve done nothing to earn your nickname for me.”

“Who told?!” I demanded.

Mom smiled, “Nobody. Care to tell me what it is?”

Argh! I’d let her trap me with a dumb rhetorical trick!

“I’d rather not,” I said.

“I’ll settle for you not treating me like your enemy, because I’m not.”

I knew she didn’t think so, she didn’t know what I wanted! The only ones who knew for sure were Stephie and Ashley, and Katy had guessed. I wondered if Stephie might have said something, but I decided that wasn’t possible, because Mom would have said something.

“I’ll point out,” Mom continued, “that things were OK for a while the last time your Dad spoke to you about this. Then you had a relapse.”

Grrr! It’s like she was TRYING to upset me. Which is what I’d told Dad, and he didn’t buy it.

“And,” she continued, “you’re sitting here now because you asked him for something and he told you to repair your relationship with me, didn’t he?”

“Yes,” I admitted grudgingly.

“So you’re planning to disappoint him again, then?” Mom asked.

She wasn’t fighting fair! The only way not to disappoint Dad was to do what he wanted, which meant I had no choice, even though he said we always had choices! I mean, sure I could choose not to do what he wanted, but disappointing him would ruin everything and I couldn’t do that.

“No,” I said quietly. “It’s just difficult, Mom.”

“Life is like that,” Mom said. “We have to work at it every day. Isn’t that what Sensei Jim teaches? That each day we strive to be better than the day before?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“What do you think he’d say if you ask to test for your black belt?”

And the Wicked Witch of the West makes her appearance! She’d rat me out and I’d never get my black belt.

“And before you blame me, young lady,” she continued, “do you think you’ve hidden how you feel about me from him? Or from your dad? Or your other mom? Or your sisters, for that matter?”

I was ready to explode, but I knew I couldn’t, or I’d be in deeper shit than I’d ever been with Dad. Mom was purposefully pushing my buttons, just as I’d said to Dad! I couldn’t believe he denied it!

“Why don’t you go take a sauna, calm down, then come back and talk with me?” Mom suggested.

I knew if I opened my mouth at all, I’d regret it, so I got up and left the room, and went to the basement.

🎤 Steve

When Avanti and I returned from the dojo, nobody was home, which surprised me. There was a note that said Kara and Birgit had gone out, which I hoped was a good sign. I led Avanti to the ‘Indian’ room and shut the door. I lit some incense, put on some soft classical music, then sat down in one of the basket chairs.

“I’d like you to sit on my lap,” I said to Avanti. “Your back to my chest, and your legs on either side of mine, and I’ll wrap my arms around you.”

“OK,” she said. “You don’t need to ask; just tell me what to do.”

“Sit next to me, please, so we can discuss consent,” I said.

Avanti remained standing and smiled, “I consent to you doing everything you did with my mother. I consent to do everything with you that she did.”

“So long as you understand and agree that you can withdraw consent at any time.”

“I do.”

“Then come with me, please.”

She turned around, sat down, straddled my legs, leaned back, and I gently wrapped my arms around her.

“Just breathe normally,” I said. “but try to match my breaths.”

“I know about this technique,” she said, “but I’ve never done it.”

“Then be quiet and do it!” I said lightly.

“Yes, Sensei!” she replied mirthfully.

She was, absolutely, her mother’s daughter, and she was also going to be a troublemaker, similar to Miyu, who, despite maturing tremendously, still had a mischievous streak, not all that different from mine. Or any of my kids, especially my daughters.

“Just relax completely,” I said quietly. “No strain or tension in any of your muscles.”

I felt Avanti relaxed even further, and she synchronized her breathing with mine. We were quiet for about ten minutes before I spoke.

“Why law or medicine?” I asked.

“They are the two most challenging fields.”

“Architecture?” I asked.

“Did you go into your father’s field?” Avanti inquired.

“No.”

“I wish to be my own person, not a clone of my mother.”

“If you had to choose right now, which would you choose and why?”

“Medicine,” she said firmly. “It’s my primary choice.”

“Is there something which interests you?”

“Endocrinology,” she replied.

I detected a slight mirthfulness in her voice.

“Your mom told you about my condition, didn’t she?”

“Yes. She said you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t. So was that a serious answer?”

“Yes. The mystery intrigues me.”

“I know medical school is over four years away, but you can meet my endocrinologist from Mayo at the Memorial Day party. Will your dad attend?”

“Mom talked him into it. And three years. I plan to finish High School in three years.”

“In that much of a hurry?” I asked.

“Why spend more time in High School than absolutely necessary?”

“A valid point. Let’s have some silence again.”

Our breathing quickly synchronized, and we sat quietly for about fifteen minutes.

“Where do you think you need to focus?” I asked.

“Isn’t that up to you?” Avanti asked.

“Didn’t we agree that I was not sufficiently in tune with you when we spoke last weekend?”

“Mom would say my interior life.”

“That would not be uncommon for teenagers who are just beginning to understand themselves. Who or what is the most important person or thing in your life?”

“It has to be my mom.”

“Then your first task, and this is a major challenge, is to discover who you are without relation to her. Who is Avanti Patel? That said, don’t make your mom so ‘other’ that you go into conflict. You want differentiation, not separation. I don’t want an answer today. You can answer next Saturday. What you can’t do is describe yourself in relation to either of your parents.”

“An interesting challenge.”

“Good. That’s all for today. Let’s get something to drink and wait for your mom.”

🎤 Birgit

“I would like to know my nickname,” Mom said as we ate yummy Mrs. Field’s cookies.

I contemplated if I should tell her or not, and decided I probably should, because it would show Dad I was really trying. And I was, it was just difficult.

“Wicked Witch of the West,” I said.

Mom laughed, “Well, Dorothy, I won’t melt in water! Why that name?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It just seemed right.”

“Because you’ve seen The Wizard of Oz and she was Dorothy’s nemesis, both in Kansas as Miss Gulch, and then in Oz as the Wicked Witch of the West.”

“Maybe,” I replied.

“It makes sense,” Mom said. “But unlike her, I’ve never wanted anything except the best for you, and for you to be a wonderful, successful young woman. I know you can achieve anything you set your mind to.”

I hoped she was right, because I had my mind set on something I knew she would never approve of me doing!

“All I want in return,” Mom continued, “is for you to treat me at least as well as you treat Katy or MC or Suzanne.”

“I know, Mom,” I replied. “It’s just ... well, you and Dad are different.”

“Yes, we are. Just as you and Jesse are different, and you and Ashley are different. And just as you and your friends are different. You don’t treat Rachel exactly the same way you treat Tiffany or either of them, the same way you treat Naomi or Kristin Jaeger. You get along with all of them. You can get along with both your dad and me, don’t you think?”

“Yes.”

“It’s actually easy, Birgit,” Mom said. “All you have to do is stop believing I’m your enemy, because I’m not. May I tell you what I think is the real problem?”

There was NO WAY she knew the real problem.

“Yes,” I agreed.

“You want to be a full adult, with all the rights and privileges that come with that, but society refuses to allow that. You see your dad as an ally, and basically every other adult except possibly Suzanne as neutral, at best, and an enemy in most instances. I totally understand, because my dad was one of those parents who felt I should never grow up, or at least not until he turned me over to a man he approved for me to marry.”

“Ugh! Who would sign up for that?!”

“Not me! You know my solution to that problem!”

“Fucking!” I giggled. “Specifically, fucking the school stud!”

“Yes. But you don’t have a situation anything like mine, or your dad’s. How would you like to have had Grandma Adams as your mom? Think about THAT.”

Grandma Adams was downright mean and nasty, and didn’t like how Dad and my moms did things, or how much freedom we kids had. She was worse than any of the moms, except maybe Rachel’s mom or Francesca’s mom, and she might actually be worse than them!

“I might have judged you too harshly,” I admitted.

“Would you like another cookie?”

“Bribery!” I giggled. “But yes, please!”

Mom laughed and went back to the counter and bought two more cookies fresh from the oven, and brought them back to the table.

“You know,” I said, munching my second cookie, “Dad did only buy me one candy bar when he bought you two!”

Mom laughed, “And you held that against him for about a picosecond!”

“How short is that?” I asked.

“One trillionth of a second!”

“Can you even measure that?” I asked.

“Not with any equipment I have. Things on that scale would be something to speak with one of the particle physicists from Fermilab or Argonne, Elizabeth or Neil, or one of the astrophysics students like Val. Nothing I need to do needs that kind of resolution.”

“Is chemistry fun?”

“Well, it is where I met your dad...” Mom smirked.

I laughed, “Besides that!”

“I’ve always loved it, from learning the periodic table to all the formulas. And once I started working with polymers, it became even more interesting. The downside is classrooms full of Freshmen who don’t care and will never care. But there are always good students who do care, and they make up for all the other ones. Is that something you think might interest you?”

“Maybe. I won’t take chemistry for another two years. I saw that the Lab school has biology, then chemistry, then physics, then anatomy and physiology, in that order, but I think by the time I’m a senior, I’ll be an expert in anatomy!”

Mom laughed, “So it’s all about sex, then?”

“YOU think so!” I giggled. “It’s all you talk about!”

“It is not!” Mom protested. “It’s just my favorite topic!”

“Is it that good?”

“If you and your partner are in tune, it’s sublime.”

“You and Dad?”

“And your other mom.”

“You’re straight, right?”

“I don’t think those labels really work,” Mom said. “I know you’ve heard your dad say that sexuality is fluid and shifts within ranges. For me, my range is your dad and your mom. For your Dad, it’s only girls. He’d never consider having sex with Jackson or Uncle Kurt. For Katy, it’s Amy and once a year with your dad. For Kathy and Kurt, it’s only each other. Each relationship is as unique as the partners, and each person does what they’re comfortable with doing with a person or persons they’re comfortable doing it with, limited only by their commitments. In the end, only you can decide what’s right for you.”

“I think I might have to do extensive research,” I smirked.

“That’s up to you, obviously, but you need to follow the rules — always use birth control, only be with partners who have had STI tests, and I would very strongly encourage you not to cheat or help someone cheat.”

I needed to make sure Kjell had a test before I went to Sweden. I’d mentioned it, but I absolutely had to confirm. I’d decided that no matter what happened with Dad, I was going to be with Kjell.

“Can I ask about Katt and Katy?”

“It’s not cheating because it fits within their relationships with their partners. Dad had conversations with Amy and Katy, and with Katt and Mikael before he was with them again.”

“Did he ever cheat?” I asked.

“That, young lady, is a question you’ll need to ask your dad. He’s the only one who can answer it for you, and he might decline.”

“But do you know?”

“What I know or don’t know about that is none of your business, because it’s your dad’s privacy that is at stake. Ask him. The worst he can do is refuse to answer.”

“But if he does that, I’ll know he did!” I said.

“You can make that assumption, but remember, some things aren’t black and white. Even in that, there can be gray areas.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, what if he didn’t know the other person was in a relationship because they lied or purposefully omitted that information? Or there was some question about the other person’s relationship?”

“You sound like you’re talking about some things that actually happened.”

“Ask your dad.”

“Did you ever cheat?” I asked.

“No. I’ve only ever been with one person besides your mom and dad, but I can never tell you who that was.”

“It had to be female, because you said you were only ever with one man — Dad.”

“Yes,” Mom said. “And it was before we met your other mom. And that is the last I’ll say about it.”

“Why? You’re usually so open about sex?”

“For her privacy, not mine. Just as you don’t know, and will never know, who Dad’s first lover was because he has to protect her privacy at all costs.”

“I thought it was Birgit Andersson, who I’m named for!”

“Again, a question for your dad, who has to decide how much to tell you.”

That was VERY interesting, and I really wondered who it might be. If Mom was right, I would never know officially, but I wondered if I could figure it out. I’d figured out almost all the other girls, even if they didn’t do it at the house, because it was obvious from how they acted around Dad.

We finished our cookies, picked up our bags with our purchases, and headed home.

🎤 Steve

“How did things go with Birgit?” I asked when Kara, Suzanne, and I left the house to walk to the hospital to meet Jessica.

“I figured she’d run to talk to you!”

“She didn’t.”

“I think we made a bit of progress. How hard did you push her?”

“Hard,” I confirmed. “She didn’t get the message last time.”

“For a short time she did, but it wore off. We’ll see if this one lasts.”

“Mind if I ask about your conversation?”

Kara smiled, “It was pretty rough at first and she was about to explode, so I sent her to the sauna to cool off.”

I laughed, “Figuratively, obviously.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Kara replied. “She was at the point where you would say steam was about to come out of her ears. After her sauna she was reasonable, and we went shopping and talked. It was a pretty good talk, and I believe you’re going to get some questions.”

“About the first Birgit?” I asked.

“And about cheating,” Kara replied. “And about who your first was.”

“On the cheating topic, how much can I share?”

“Anything you want. You won’t tell her who you were with before Birgit, will you?”

“No. That could create some serious consternation with the kids.”

“Is the new wife permitted to know?” Suzanne asked.

“Jennie Sanders, née McGrath,” I said. “When I was fourteen, which you knew.”

“I could see how that might cause more than a bit of consternation. Who knows?”

“The two of you, obviously, Jess, Elyse, Jen, my sister, and my dad. My mom suspected, but she could never prove it. At one point, she threatened to go to the police, but with no proof, my dad talked her out of it. I admitted to him that it happened later on.”

“How did she figure it out?”

“I gave Jennie away at her wedding when I was sixteen, which was probably not the wisest of moves. I met Elyse the day before the wedding.”