Chapter 2: I Feel Alive

“So, has it been everything you expected cunt,” the man on the phone asked. As he did so, I could hear the unzipping of his pants and I could almost feel him panting as he started stroking his cock. I felt demeaned for some reason by that, that he was already jerking off and I hadn’t even spoken yet.

“Yes and no,” I muttered weakly into the phone. “I expected some things to get out of hand maybe, but I don’t know. I didn’t expect it to fuck up my day to day life so badly.” I started crying at that a bit and I took a long swig of the bottle of vodka I was working on. I already knew it wouldn’t be the only bottle tonight.

“Awww, poor cunt. Is your pathetic excuse of a life falling apart?” he said, mockingly to me. “Turn on the camera, let me see you cunt.” So I did, turning on the webcam on the laptop. My room was a mess behind me as I had all but stopped doing any form of maintenance for it or me really. It didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t matter anymore. Everything was only a long period of gray until the next man came. I centered the camera on me and heard him moan on the phone. I could see my own image on the screen; he wasn’t going to show his face. My own face, however, had seen better days. My full lips were fuller now, and swollen on one side, where my lip had been split. My nose was tender as well. My right cheek was bruised heavily and scraped where I had been thrown into my own wall. And my left eye was all but swollen shut. I looked like shit but that was the price to feel alive.

“Someone or someone’s have fucked you up proper haven’t they cunt?” the masturbating man asked. “How long was it before the first rape after I dumped your info on the internet?”

“It was only a week,” I said. That had been only two weeks ago. It had taken just one week for my hard fought for life to be destroyed and me along with it. The first few days had been hard; I had been expecting someone to jump me at any moment. But no one did. I told him as much, detailing everything. It took a grand total of 6 days for the first man to make his move. Whether he had waited and watched me first, or did it on impulse, I don’t know. I just know I came home to find my apartment trashed and ransacked. Some money stolen, everything gone through, raped and violated without even touching me. And then, as I was trying to clean up, he returned. I never saw him face on; he was very good and careful about that.

“What did he do to you cunt?”

“He hit me from behind, hard,” I told him. “That took pretty much all the fight out of me. I almost dropped right then, and he gave me this,” I said, pointing to my swollen and bruised cheek, “by throwing me into the wall”. He hiked up my skirt, held my neck tight, and shoved in me.”

“Were you wet?” the man asked, pumping harder.

“Soaked,” I admitted, ashamed. “He gripped my neck tighter and tighter, smashing my face against the wall. I don’t know how long he fucked me like that but it wasn’t long. I was barely conscious when he came in me, and after he slammed my head into the wall, that was it. I woke about an hour later, concussed, confused, and robbed. All the money in my wallet, my cards, and my car keys, gone. All for a thrill that only lasted a few minutes. I should have cancelled my cards right then and there, but instead, I masturbated, slapping my bruised cheek until I was a sobbing and orgasmic mess.”

“Did you hate yourself cunt in that moment?” he asked. More thumping of his hand on his cock in the background of the phone.

“No. I probably should have, but I just felt sad and empty afterwards. The next day I called and canceled my cards, and got the bus. I didn’t report the car. Not that it mattered. None of my choices matter or mattered.”

“Quite right cunt. Go on. What happened next?”

“Work, riding the bus into work. The glances at my bruised face. It was hard, being exposed in that way. I’d kept my head down, deep in the gray so no one really knew me well enough to ask if I was ok. No one cared enough about me. Not until the next day, when a man came asking for me. I didn’t know him, but he told me to come with him. I expected to be led out of the office and raped, but no. He took me to an office bathroom. It was over quickly and in more ways than one. He shoved me down on the toilet and skull fucked me, pinching and pulling my nipples through my clothes, making me cry, yell. If I had been anywhere else, no one would have known or noticed.”