Chapter 23: To Catch the Conscience of the King

MY TRAVELS do not always take me to the best places. I sailed for the Americas with Columbus in 1492, when what I should have done was hide out a century and gone to England. I completely missed the Bard of Avon. I have read all his plays and have even sponsored and acted in some of them. I am quite the theatrical patron.

I fancy myself treading the boards and declaring “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king!” Of course, I’d have written the scene a little differently. There were better plays in the Greek repertoire for his purpose than The Murder of Gonzago. But they were preserved in the infinity room and I found later that no other copies had survived intact. I always bless my collection and my many librarians for maintaining it.

I TRAVELED around Mesopotamia for several years, never actually finding my one-time home. Nebuchadnezzar’s heirs were neither as strong nor as wise as the old man and they began to lose control of the empire. I saw the armies of Egypt and Persia both amassing for an attack. Belshazzar subdued the Egyptians, but by that time, Cyrus the Great had asserted himself over the Medes and united all of Persia. It looked bleak for Neb’s grandson, so I returned to Babylon to introduce myself at court. I thought perhaps I could help the struggling monarch and prevent a bloodbath in Babylon. I didn’t claim to be the same Bob who had served his grandfather for some forty years. I’d been gone from Babylon for twenty years and was sure I was forgotten. I returned as merely another Bob who made his home in the Jewish Quarter.

And it was there that I heard word of a rebellion fomenting. I knew that would be disastrous for the Jews, even if they were successful. The army of the Persians would simply put them in chains as rebellious subjects. Belshazzar managed to reach an agreement with Cyrus and paid tribute as a subject king, but knowing the greed of kings, I could tell that would not last long. I wandered the Quarter and into the countryside, trying to at least keep the locals peaceful. It seemed like an impossible task.

Until I saw the army approaching.

Led by the great general Darius, the Persians were headed to Babylon and Belshazzar was by no means prepared. I rushed back to the city and had to sneak in because the gates were closed. I knew, however, where the pump was concealed that fed water to the gardens and I entered the city there. I rushed to the palace to find Belshazzar was holding a big party and was completely in ignorance of the approaching army. What a twit! How could his soldiers possibly not spread the alarm? The Persians were in sight from the battlements.

I rushed to the doors of the banquet room, but was denied admittance. While standing outside, waiting for another opportunity, an old woman came by. She looked at me strangely as she led a group of people carrying golden plates and goblets to the chamber.

“I know you,” she said.

“I don’t know, honored one,” I answered. “Have we met?”

“The night you took the maidens from the harem, I was with Nebuchadnezzar, the youngest of his consummated wives. I wanted to go as well, but he said I had a special role to play in the future. Now our great grandson, Belshazzar, is following the path of Nebuchadnezzar and will end up eating grass,” she said.

“I fear he will never have the opportunity for such a feast. I am trying to warn him,” I said. “The Persian army approaches.”

“I will do my best to get you admittance.”

She and the group of servants, wives, and concubines entered the room and I shook my head. I knew where some of those plates came from and even the Jews allowed only their priests to touch them. Still, I stewed outside the chamber, running once to the tower to see how near the armies had come. What I saw chilled me. The guards on the ramparts were all asleep.

“It’s a shame, isn’t it?” a voice said beside me. I turned to see My Lady Goddess next to me.

“Is this part of the great contest the gods were having?” I asked.

“Yes. They have decided to support the claim of the god of the Jews. Belshazzar shall die.”

“I need to get back to the banquet and warn him.”

“It will make no difference,” she said. “His days are numbered and his kingdom will be divided. Go if you will and tell him this.” The goddess faded away from my sight and I shoved at my cock to get it down. Even in the direst of circumstances, Aphrodite has that effect on me. I ran to the banquet hall again.

Just as I arrived, the doors burst open and the old woman beckoned to me.

“My Lord and King,” she announced as we entered the banquet hall. “Here is a man who can tell you what this means. I present Bob!” the queen grandmother said.

“Come in here, Bob. If you can tell me what this means, I will give you riches untold and make you the third most powerful man in the kingdom!” He pointed at a wall where four words were scrawled. “A hand appeared and wrote those words. Are they in your language?”

“Keep your gold and appointments, oh, King,” I growled. “They will do no man here any good by morning.” I looked at the words and shuddered. “Mene mene tekel upharsin. This is the judgment of the gods, for whom you show no respect and do not fear. Numbered, numbered, weighed, and divided. Your days have been numbered and the days of your kingdom have been set by the gods. You have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. Your kingdom will fall and be divided among the victors. These are the words on the wall and their meaning.”

Aphrodite’s warning was fresh in my mind and the interpretation of the words was clear. The king was shocked.

“Clear the dishes and return them to the altars of their gods!” he shouted. “Bring me gold and all my concubines. Bob, you are a great man and spokesman for the gods. I give you all the gold I have in the palace and all the virgins in my harem. Here is the badge of office that will open any door in my kingdom. Here. Have a glass of wine, too.”

“Your Majesty, there is no time for rewards and celebration. The Persians are at the gates and Lethe has come upon all your guards. There is nothing more you can do.”

The king’s concubines began filing into the room as his guests fled. I could hear the trumpets outside and knew they were all too late. I opened a portal to the infinity room and took all the concubines who would go through. I was amazed to find that most were carrying books, scrolls, or tablets. I shouldered the bag and headed to the garden. This would be where I faced the new ruler of Babylon.

That night, the king and all his remaining household were put to the sword as the Persian army swept the city. The Jewish Quarter was spared.

DARIUS HIMSELF came in the company of several soldiers to look upon the famous hanging gardens of Babylon. He spied me sitting by the pool and had me brought before him.

“Who are you?” he demanded. I’d taken the time to put on nice but not wealthy robes.

“I am Bob, the builder of this pool and keeper of the garden. I welcome your majesty to a place of peace and contentment, known throughout the world,” I said. Yes, I told him I was Bob the Builder. I said it first.

“It looks like your work is finished here,” Darius said. He was preening a bit after I addressed him as ‘Majesty.’ Cyrus was still on the throne of Persia. Darius was married to his daughter.

“I bring you greetings, conqueror. Greetings from the gods of Olympus, the gods of the Sumerians and Chaldeans, and the god of the Jews. They have blessed your conquest and ordained your future and set you on the throne in Babylon. You shall inherit the throne of Persia and all the world will bow down to you.”

“That’s heady stuff,” he said. “I think there are several empty apartments in the palace just now. Choose one for yourself and I will talk to you again presently.”

And that quickly, I had changed from a servant of Babylon to a servant of Persia.

I WON’T dwell on Darius. He had to lie and kill his way to the Persian throne. Even at the decision time, when he and the other six generals lined up to see who would become king...

Now this is funny when you think about it. They decided they would line up on their horses facing the sunrise and the first horse that neighed as the sun rose would indicate the rider who would be the new king. Well, Darius had a good and loyal groom who rubbed his hands through the sex of a mare that Darius’ stallion was known to favor. Just as the sun rose, the groom held his hand up to the horse’s nostrils and the excited horse neighed to find his mare. Darius became king based on the sex drive of a horse!

I managed to spend most of my time in my rooms at the palace and didn’t socialize with most people. I spent my nights in the infinity room, getting to know all the new members of my harem. Many, I placed with single men we had collected in one way and another. A few found their way to my bed. I had noticed Belshazzar’s concubines all carrying books and scrolls and tablets when they stepped through the gateway. It turned out that when the old woman hurried to bring the virgin concubines to me, she routed them through the king’s study and they simply grabbed as many books as they could carry and came through the portal. They had no idea what was in the books, only that they were to carry as many as possible. Nimia summoned as many librarians as she could to meet the concubines and take the books to the library. That was where a few of the concubines went, too. We had a lot of single librarians.