Chapter 6

“Big gorilla at the L.A. Zoo
snatched the glasses right off my face.
Took the keys to my BMW.
Left me here to take his place.
I wish the ape a lot of success.
I’m sorry my apartment’s a mess.
Most of all, I’m sorry if I made you blue.
I’m betting the gorilla will too.”
-Warren Zevon, “Gorilla, You’re A Desperado”

San Finzione’s Ministry of Science did not conduct regular tours. But because San Finzione’s economy was primarily based on tourism and wine before branching out into the entertainment and home electronics industries, it was recognized that tourists might still be interested in visiting the Ministry. Therefore, tour guides were kept on staff and private tours were arranged on an individual basis. It was one of these that Alice Mei and Franz Hauber managed to secure late in the day.

Alice had specified an interest in the Geology department. A guide led them through a maze of displays of rock samples. Franz admired a geode while Alice asked the guide more questions.

“There’s just so much.” Alice told the guide.

“La Contessa funds her Ministry of Science.” The guide replied.

“What can you tell me about the rock strata on La Collina?” She asked him. Franz didn’t pay attention to the answer. He wouldn’t understand it anyway. That was Alice’s job. He spent his time studying the people he’d have to talk to when he came back here with a different disguise in the morning for the machine.

The guide led them on through various rocks and minerals until finally they got to see some of the tools of the trade. Franz tried to pay attention while the guide prattled on about brushes and streak plates.

“But what about gear for larger scale operations?” Alice asked.

“Well, we have equipment for larger surveys. If you’ll come this way.”

The guide led them past a row of machinery along the wall. When they came to the one she was looking for, Alice nudged Franz. He stopped to take note of the white machine that resembled an oversized pushing lawn mower or a pavement resurfacing machine with some high-tech equipment on top. This was the Ground-Penetrating Radar unit that Alice would need to find the secret entrance to Castle Finzione.

He could see why she said it would be clunky and unsubtle. And why she’d have to stop and take readings in multiple spots. Alice was right again. This would certainly attract attention.

Franz finally had a question to ask the guide.

“Bitte, who authorizes the use of this equipment?”

“The head of the department. Or the Minister of Science, Dr. Miguel Rocco.”

“I see.” Franz replied. He lightly clutched his stomach. “And where is the lavatory?” The guide pointed the directions. Franz gave Alice a little peck on the cheek. “I shall catch up, Liebchen.”

Alice took hold of the tour guide’s arm and started asking more in-depth questions about the geology of San Finzione. Franz rounded the corner and returned to the elevator. He rode it down to the ground floor lobby and walked over to a directory to find out where Dr. Rocco’s office was. It was late in the day and people were starting to leave. On his way back to the elevator, Franz picked one who had an employee ID and a keycard on a clip hanging from his shirt pocket and was on his way out. He bumped into the man, lifted the clip, and proceeded back into one of the empty elevator cars, hitting the button for the fifth floor.

“I’ve got...” Franz said into his comms before turning his new ID to read it. He clipped it to his blazer, then removed the jacket and folded it over. “Giorgio Estrada’s access. We’ll see if it gets me into the Minister’s office.”

“Looking him up.” Spencer Malone replied in his ear. “Senior Botanist. He works on the fifth floor.”

“Fortunate. I am heading there. And if someone asks me any questions, I shall have to tell them about ferns, because those are the only plants I know. It should get me onto the floor at least. I can improvise from there.”

The elevator door opened onto the fifth floor. Franz stepped out and walked to the door behind the receptionist, who was getting ready to leave for the day. Muttering in Italian under his breath about getting all the way to his damn car, Franz held the bundle of blazer containing his keycard against the sensor next to the door. The red light turned green, and the handle turned. Once through, he put the jacket back on and looked for the Minister’s office.

Franz moved through the cubicles of people in various stages of getting ready to leave for the day. He grabbed a folder from out of an empty cubicle and put it under his arm as if it were something important. He tried to avoid eye contact with anyone. He was going to have to come back here in a different disguise tomorrow to get Alice’s machine and didn’t want to be remembered on this trip.

“Ok.” Oscar Dodge came on the comms. “There’s probably a requisition form to be filled out. The Minister wouldn’t keep those, his secretary would. I’ll also need a copy of the Minister’s signature to work with.”

“Coming up.” Franz muttered back as he spotted the Minister’s office door. He stepped inside.

The Minister of Science’s secretary was shutting things down for the day. She had her coat and purse and was turning off her computer when Franz entered. He held the folder so that it covered Giorgio Estrada’s name and face on the badge.

“I’m sorry, the Minister’s already left for the day.” The secretary told him. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“Boy, I sure hope so.” Franz replied, faking an Italian accent. “I got all the way to my car when I remembered that some archaeology students from the University are coming tomorrow for a practical demonstration of the big GPR unit and...” He opened the folder and sifted through the papers inside. “I can’t for the life of me find my authorization to take it out into the field.”

“Well, I’m sorry.” The secretary said, sensing that if she got wrapped up in this man’s end-of-day problem, she might never make it home. She looked in her desk for the right stack of forms. “Dr. Rocco will be back in the morning. I can leave you a requisition form to fill out, you can bring it to him then, and I’ll make sure he signs off on it first thing. Please press hard as the form is in triplicate.”

Franz gave her a look of frustration, followed by resignation. He sighed.

“All right. If I have to start the whole process over, let’s get on it. Give me the form.”

She handed him the correct one. He looked at the blank triplicate form, trying to act like he understood it.

“Ok. Grazia. I guess.” He grumbled and started to show himself out. He took a piece of gum from his pocket and placed it in his mouth. As he opened the door out, he wedged the gum wrapper into the latch bore in the door frame. When the secretary got her things, Franz held the door for her. She nodded graciously and stepped through, turning to lock it.

“I just wanted to apologize.” Franz sheepishly stated, standing closer and distracting her while she locked the door. “It’s been a rough day, this university thing got dumped on me at the last minute. I certainly hope I haven’t made your day difficult.”

“Oh, no.” The secretary said, now wanting to get this man away from her personal space. She locked the door quickly and didn’t bother to check it, which was what Franz was hoping getting in her face would accomplish. They said a relieved goodbye, she walked toward the elevator, and he walked in the opposite direction. Once the secretary was around the corner, Franz came back and quietly re-entered the office.

“I’m alone in the secretary’s office and have the form.” Franz told the comms, sticking the paper into his jacket. “One door between myself and the Minister’s.”

“Think you can get it?” Morris Sinclair asked. Franz produced a couple of picks.

“I’m not you, but I think I’ve got this.”

Franz spent about a minute on the lock before it opened.

“Hurry up and get back here.” Alice hissed into the comm channel. “The tour’s nearly done and I’m trying to make small talk, but geology humor’s all puns and after ‘gneiss’ and ‘schist,’ I got nothing.”

Franz walked over to the Minister’s desk and looked around. There were no papers on his desk, just pictures of a blonde woman. He checked the drawers for any slips of paper that might have the minister’s handwriting on them.

“Shit.” He told the group. “I can’t find any papers with his signature.”

“But you got the form, right?” Oscar asked. “What kind is it?”

“It’s one of those old ones with the sheets of carbon in-between.” Franz told him.

“Ok,” Oscar replied. “If they’re still using carbon paper, check the trash for those carbons and thank God for low-tech.”

Franz checked the bin. The janitor hadn’t been through here yet. He sifted around until he located one and held it up to the light. He could see the indentation of the minister’s signature.

“I got something that I think will work for you.” He told the group, folding the carbon paper and securing it into his jacket before taking out a handkerchief to wipe off the smudges on his hands. Franz retrieved his gum wrapper from the door and returned to the second floor, searching for Alice and the guide. He returned the folder to the desk he’d borrowed it from along the way. Just before the door opened to the first floor, he remembered that he was still wearing Giorgio Estrada’s ID and removed it, dropping it in the elevator so someone could later find it and turn in to lost & found. He continued wiping his hands as he approached them.

“It appears I have missed the whole tour.” Franz sheepishly said, stuffing the handkerchief back in his pocket. He gave Alice a peck and turned to the guide. “I must apologize. We are tourists to your country, and I am not accustomed to your delicious cuisine. Shall we let this man clock off and go home, Liebchen?”

The guide escorted them to the exit. They thanked him and walked away from the building.

“Everything all right?” Alice asked.

“Ja. Got the paper, got the minister’s signature for Oscar. Tomorrow morning, you’ll be able to wrap your hands around that big machine.”

“Can’t wait. Now, let’s get back, so I can wrap my hands around something else.”

“We can all hear you.” Tracy pointed out over the comms.

“I know.” Alice replied, laughing.

They returned to the yacht.

On the other side of the city, three battered and bruised men knelt in the middle of a smashed-up pawn shop before Contessa Helena de San Finzione.

“I was just having a talk with someone about manners earlier.” Helen said, lighting a cigarette. “And how I wasn’t expecting to find any here.” The three men moaned from their injuries, unable to get off the floor and run for it like they wanted. La Contessa paced through the debris of their pawn shop before them. She picked up a baseball bat from the wreckage that Nigel Mander’s fight with the three men had created before Helen used her Thing to stop the fight.

“I coulda taken ‘em.” Mander assured her. He stood behind the three men, his hand on the Desert Eagle .50 pistol he carried.

“I’ve got the San Finzione Orchestra setting up in the Ballroom right now.” Helen told him. “Decided to make it quick.” She held the bat under the chin of the kneeling man in the middle. “I’ll be honest, Ivan. I wasn’t expecting you to know anything. We just came from a coke dealer who understands who’s in charge in this country and I’m expecting more to come of that than I am of this activity. No, we’re here for two reasons: To give Mander something to do after that visit kind of let him down and on the off chance that whoever stole something of mine is dumbfuck enough to try and sell it to you. I don’t feel like telling you what it is; you’ll know it if you see it. But it’s mine and I want it back.”

“Fuck you.” The man hissed at her in Russian. She tossed Mander the bat before answering in Russian.

“I’m in a slightly committed relationship. A few of them, actually. Back to the topic at hand, I tolerate your presence in this country because your bosses know how to show proper respect. They understand my rules and what happens if you don’t play by them. But you’ve always had a problem with that, Ivan. Maybe you’ve got some issues understanding Italian. Luckily, Mander speaks a language I know you understand.”

She nodded to him. Mander took his cue and started smashing more of the shop’s inventory. Bits of televisions and Blu-ray players showered the three men. Helen watched and smoked while he broke more stuff, then motioned to him that it was enough. He stood behind the man to Ivan’s left.

“Do you have the fucking message, Ivan?” Helen asked him. “Or does he start on skulls?”

“I have it.” The Russian begrudgingly half-muttered. “And I would have started with skulls.”

“That’s why your cousins set you up in my country as a fence and not something you could fuck up.”

It was at that moment that La Contessa’s phone started ringing with Generalissimo Hernando Ramirez’s ringtone. She answered it. Ramirez relayed the information Luc had given him. Helen thanked him and ended the call.

“Well, it turns out we didn’t need to engage in this little exercise after all. But, you know, it was fun.” She looked to Mander. “C’mon. We’ve got something.”