Chapter 4

“Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas.
You know he knows just exactly what the facts is.
He ain’t gonna let those two escape justice.
He makes his living off other people’s taxes.”
-Steve Miller Band, “Take The Money And Run”

Generalissimo Hernando Ramirez left the castle and was driven to his office at Fort Ernesto. He checked the time. It was nearly 6 AM. The person he had to call would be awake by now. He took out his phone and dialed the number. On the second ring, Supervisor Luc Tomas Allaine of Interpol answered.

“If you’re calling at this hour, Hernando, something must have happened while I was asleep.”

“Someone broke into the President of Uongo’s hotel suite last night.” Ramirez told him. “The President and two of his guards were assaulted and a priceless gem has been stolen.”

“I was watching the news. I thought La Policia’s response was excessive for two men slipping and falling. And a gem was stolen? There’s only one gem for which Uongo is known.”

“That would be the one, Si.”

Hernando heard the sounds of Luc moving about and the phone being put on speaker.

“I can be in the office in thirty minutes. The way the media has been handled and the fact that you have called tell me that that La Contessa is already involved.”

“She suspects they may have already fled the country with it.”

“That is a possibility.” Luc agreed. “You don’t steal something like this without already having a buyer lined up. An equally likely possibility is that the buyer is coming here to take possession. This means we have some time, but none of it to waste.”

“La Contessa wants you in the loop on this. She has a hard time asking.”

“Given her history, a distrust of law enforcement is to be expected. I imagine that she asked you to make the call for that reason. And she would want things done quietly and without involving the press. I shall put some people on it discreetly. Then I will want to examine the crime scene.”

“I shall inform her that you are on the case, Luc. Would you like me to meet you there? I am certain that La Contessa would approve me for some Counter-Intelligence Training on this matter.”

Counter-intelligence Training was La Contessa’s euphemism for when Ramirez would go and assist his old friend on a case. It wasn’t something that the Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces could normally take time away to do, so he was on call when it happened.

“Oui.” Luc answered. “I suspect she would appreciate all the help she can get on this matter. And I can’t imagine the armed forces getting involved. Uongo is an ally of this country, so the situation is not likely to escalate to military action. But I can imagine the international repercussions if it is not returned. And you say three people have been attacked. Having an ex-Ultimado watching my back would be most beneficial.”

“Let me know when you’re on your way, old friend. I’ll let La Contessa know you’re on the job.”

They ended the call and Ramirez called La Contessa to make the request he was sure she’d grant.

“Yes, absolutely.” Contessa Helena de San Finzione gave permission to her Generalissimo. She ended the call and looked across the table at Troy Equals. Knowing he would be with her, Jeanne brought a larger than normal tray of La Contessa’s usual morning croissants. Both had moved on from American coffee to Greek coffee and were taking a break to enjoy a morning snack. “Well, Interpol’s on board. Ramirez is going to help Luc with the investigation.”

Troy took a bite of croissant.

“That’s what you were hoping would happen, isn’t it?” He took a sip of his coffee. “You know, you’re the ruler of this country and he’s the supervisor of the local Interpol office. You can just call him up directly.”

“And have the office talking and then it gets out to the press. Luc’s old friend calling him with a problem is much simpler. And as much as I respect him and LeGrasse, fanculo la policia.”

Troy gave a little smile at that. He understood the primary language of San Finzione.

“That’s an odd attitude for the woman who signs La Policia’s checks to have.”

“Never trust The Man. Especially once you own him.”

Troy knew enough about Helen’s criminal past to understand where her views on law enforcement came from. There wasn’t much of an argument to be had because although Troy hadn’t shared her adversarial relationship with the police growing up, he understood why a healthy distrust of them was a good thing. He remembered the Anchorage Police Department telling Helen Parker that she couldn’t live with him and Propappou and that she had to go back to her abusive father and absentee alcoholic mother. And then, once Wade had killed her mother, being told by the courts that Propappou was too old to adopt her. By then, he and Julie had taught Helen the secret of mind control, and she was able to leave the foster home freely to stay with them. Troy decided to drop the subject.

The door to the study loudly scraped the stone floor and Lady Maria Louisa Francesca de San Finzione entered the room. Jeanne had prepared for the Princess joining them and a third pair of croissants was waiting on the tray for her.

“Good morning, Great-Grandmama. Good morning, Troy.” She said with a smile. Her eyes lit on the demitasse cups the two were drinking out of. “I see you have been awake all night.”

“Good morning, Dearest One.” Helen replied. The Study had no windows, so she’d been unaware of the time. She looked at the clock. “Fuck, is it that early?”

“Hi, Maria.” Troy answered as well with a smile and a wave. “Yeah, something kept us both up late.”

“I’ve had my daily intelligence briefing. I know about the theft. Is there anything I can do to help, Great-Grandmama?”

“La Policia are doing all they can.” Helen told her. “And Ramirez is bringing Interpol into things. Faraji’s probably still upset with me. Maybe you should conduct the tour this morning, Maria. I might be asking you to fill in for a few things while I’m dealing with this.” She switched languages. “How’s your Swahili been coming?”

“Fair.” Maria replied in that language. “I should be able to keep up with the President. Do I have an agenda?”

“Yes.” Helen answered, switching back to English for Troy. “When you get to the Business Wing, really show him how a government corporation works. How it’s helped the People of San Finzione, what it’s done for local business, and what such a model could do for Uongo. I’ll definitely be able to join you in time for the symphony.”

Maria accepted her instructions.

“And what will Great-Grandmama be doing?”

Helen finished her croissants, scooted her chair away from the others, and lit a cigarette.

“La Policia and the navy are watching every way out of the country. Intelligence has their people on it. Ramirez is bringing Interpol. This is the point where Troy would have me ask ‘What’s something that La Contessa can do that someone lower down in her government can’t.’ What I can do is go talk to some of San Finzione’s criminals and see what they know.”

“You’re not going alone, are you?” Troy asked. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“I need you here working on that problem.” Helen answered. “And no, I’m not going alone. But bringing Ultimados along will scare them in ways I’m not going for. No, I’ve got someone else in mind. And he’s in town now, as it happens.”

“Isn’t he busy right now?” Maria asked.

“I think he’ll take time away from his schedule for this.” Helen replied with a drag. “I can’t imagine he’s caught up in anything too pressing.”

“C’mon, you lot!” Nigel Mander shouted to his team. “Those B.U.G.G.E.R.S. are out to steal all the birthday cake in the world!”

“It seems like that B.U.G.G.E.R. In Charge comes up with a new hare-brained scheme every weekday afternoon at 3:30 PM!” Dropkick, Mander Force’s Lucha Libre expert shouted to Mander.

“No time to think about that, everyone!” Mander shouted. “Into the Mobile Rocket-Pod Launching Battle Station, in stores this November!”

“But sir!” The Duchess, Mander Force’s expert in fashion and shooting derringers that fired lasers called out. “We won’t be ready to beat B.U.G.G.E.R.S. until everyone has a complete nutritious breakfast including Mander Force brand cereal!”

The group were interrupted by the sound of Mander’s phone playing The Who’s “The Acid Queen.”

“Sorry, mates.” Mander told everyone else in the recording booth. “Gotta take this one.” He straightened his John Lennon sunglasses and took the call. Inside the booth, the voice director sputtered in frustration as another take was ruined.

“Yes, Your Countessness.” Mander told the phone. Helen spoke on the other end. “Very well. I can see why you need me.”

The director stormed into the recording booth.

“What the hell is going on?” He demanded. Mander took the phone away from his ear.

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to cut things off early, Sid. San Finzione needs me.”

“We can’t ‘cut things off early!’ We’ve got thirteen more episodes to record this week!”

Mander put the phone back up to his ear.

“He doesn’t want to let me go. Huh? Ok.” Mander looked over at Sid, the director. His shirt pocket started vibrating. “You’ll wanna get that.”

Sid answered his phone.

“Hello? I see. Yes, ma’am. Yes, I see. Ok.” He hung up and addressed the room. “The owner of the studio’s just given us the rest of the week off, everyone. Clear out, I guess.”

The other artists got up to leave. Mander returned to his call.

“Yeah, that did it. I’ll be right in.”

He left to go find out more about whatever La Contessa was going to drag him into.

In the La Contessa suite of the Hotel de Riviera de San Finzione, Luc Allaine walked a similar path to the one that Helen had walked early that morning.

“Her assessment of events is correct.” Luc informed Hernando. “We are looking for at least three people.”

“Three?” The Generalissimo asked. “La Contessa said that there were two men in the suite.”

“The hacker. Someone took care of the rooftop cameras. It’s likely the cameras by the elevators were hacked as well, to watch the movements of the guards.”

Ramirez sent a message off to the Minister of Intelligence, telling him to have his people check those cameras as well. Luc walked over to the safe and studied it.

Hernando watched Luc work. He’d come to San Finzione some months ago to help with an important case. Solving that case and La Contessa’s intervention were enough to get Luc out of a department where his transphobic boss didn’t appreciate him, and into the job of heading up the San Finzione Interpol office. In that time, he had gotten affirmation surgery and had completed his transition to male. The welcoming environment of San Finzione had been a refreshing change from headquarters in Lyon. It was a pleasure to see his old friend active and doing what he loved again.

“No signs of forced entry. Keypad lock, likely overcome by using a fingerprint scanner to obtain the four-digit code.”

“Is that some rare, easily traced technology?” Ramirez asked.

“Regrettably, no. All too common. Let’s check out the President’s room.”

They proceeded upstairs. Luc stood on the spot where the President and La Contessa stood in the bathroom doorway.

“Everything went according to plan until they got here.” He said, looking about. “Then, random chance. The President gets up to piss. He’s coming out, you’ve got to make a decision: Do you run for the secret entrance or stay and assault the man?” He walked over to where Morris had been standing. “This one’s caught. He’s going to be seen. So, he acts as a diversion...” Luc walked over to the wall on the side of the bathroom doorway and flattened against it. “While this one takes his opening. These men coordinated. In a very short few seconds. They’ve worked together before.”

“So, we’re looking for a thief and his muscle.” Ramirez observed. “Are there many two-man teams who work together like that?”

“Not many. When I get back to le micro, I should be able to compile a small list of suspects. This has me thinking about the Eye of Andalusia theft in New York last week. That was well-coordinated too. And someone hacked the alarms and the security gate along the thief’s escape route. Apart from the violence, similar MO. We may be looking at the same crew.”