Chapter 17

“That old black magic has spun silk in my head.
It’s much too late to go back on what’s been done or said.
No kind of cash can spare the lash.
You choose to play? There’s hell to pay.
Are you happy now?”
-Gone Jackals, “Get Outta Town”

Inside the yacht, everyone backed away from the windows except for the two men in front of the exits onto the deck. Morris Sinclair and Gordon Walker remained where they were, compelled to keep the others from leaving. The sound of the shell fired from the LCS Avanti still echoing and the waves from the blast still rocking the ship.

“That would cover the ‘seas’ part of my title. Now, are we clear yet on whether or not you should try to cast off and get away?” Contessa Helena de San Finzione’s voice asked over the comms units everyone was wearing in their ears. “And don’t try bluffing that you’ve got guns or bombs in there. We asked your guys. All you’ve got for weapons is that tear gas gun thing you shot me with and a couple tasers and stun guns. There’s a difference, you know. A taser fires a projectile, a stun gun has to touch the target.”

“I did know that, actually.” Tracy Baker said back. “And may I say what an honor it is to finally be able to speak with you, Contessa. Your reputation far precedes you.”

“Essex girl, eh?” Helen detected from her accent. “And obviously it doesn’t precede me enough, or you never would have come here. And we’ve got some time, so Helena will be fine. But there are other introductions to be made first. Hello, Lone Star. That’s what you call yourself online, right Spencer? Enjoy reading my emails? Those were for your benefit. I work out of my Study often, so the Ministry of Intelligence randomly sweeps it for bugs. Once I knew the room had been compromised, I called them in to do it again. They found the little thing Morris put on my computer right away, so I decided to let you know the door was open. Called all these other Ultimados in from my phone. I thought about emailing some nudes, a little more than what I’ve leaked online, just to give you something to look at. But everyone I would’ve sent them to was in the room and already has those ones.”

“But they EXIST!” Spencer insisted. “I WILL find them!”

“Gotta have dreams, kid.” Helen replied. “Next on our list is Franz Hauber. I met some Germans recently, you know. Didn’t end well for them. Turns out we both know someone who works for Interpol. He’d love to catch up with you again. I told him that he would before the night’s over.”

Franz’s head turned around the room, as if he expected Supervisor Luc Allaine of Interpol to materialize in the corner. When he did not, Franz looked at the two men who’d been mind controlled into guarding the exits, weighed his chances, and then decided to do the only thing he could: another line.

“Up next,” Helen continued. “Alice Mei. Am I saying that right, like the month of May? I only learned about you on the way here, but dual masters in Chemistry and Engineering from MIT? That is damned impressive. Did you know I didn’t go to college? My friends did, I didn’t. After high school, I went partying around Europe and spent my days sitting in on language courses at the local universities, but nothing formal. Then I got married at twenty and ended up in this job and have just never had the chance to go back. I have several degrees now, but they’re all honorary, and mostly in Linguistics. I’m guessing women’s pay in the STEM fields sucks as much as it does everywhere else if you’re involved with a crew like ... Hey, Tracy, does your team have a name I should be calling you? Like the Leverage crew or Ocean’s Eleven? Are you guys Tracy’s Seven? No! Baker’s Half-Dozen! That’d be perfect!”

“That WOULD be a perfect name.” Tracy mused. “But no, I’ve learned from Batman. One of the first things I figured out about not getting caught was not to give our group some catchy name. We just use ‘the team’ or ‘the crew’ when it comes up.”

“Sorry,” a new voice, that of Susan Bailey, came over the comms. “I know you’re doing your thing, Helen, but I just have to ask: Are ALL you criminal types into Batman?”

“Of course.” Morris answered.

“Batman’s cool, y’all.” Spencer confirmed.

“Was just talking to Her Countessness about him.”

“Know thy enemy and all that.” Came Tracy’s reply.

“There’ll never be another Adam West.” Oscar Dodge spoke up.

“Ok, I was just curious. Sorry to interrupt, Helen. Please go on.”

“Thanks, Susan. Well, I’m gonna use Baker’s Half-Dozen. I know there’s seven of you, but I figure the other six belong to Baker, so it still works.”

“Er, yes, that’s right.” Tracy said. “They all belong to me. I threatened every one of them into going along with my plan. They’re my pawns, it’s all my doing, I’m the one you want.”

She nodded to everyone with a look that said, “That’s what I want you to tell them.”

“Yeah, yeah, you did it YOUUUUUR WAAAAAY! Still, way to take one for your people. That’ll factor into my judgment. Oh, didn’t I tell you? I’m the final authority on all legal matters in this country, so ‘can and will be used against you’ is implicit. But we’re not done with the introductions. Morris Sinclair and Gordon Walker. We didn’t get time to talk when you visited my home. I understand you two come as a pair. That’s lovely. Oh, I’m not insinuating anything; two of the most important people in my life are complete BFFs. Of course, those two ARE married and ARE constantly all over each other; but again, not suggesting anything. That reminds me, Walker. One of them got caught in that gas bomb. That ‘highly valuable foreign asset of San Finzione” I mentioned in the email Lone Star read? That was him. So. you can imagine how badly his wife would LOVE to have another word with you. You don’t remember her first one, she made you forget it. You have my Generalissimo to thank for her not beating the shit out of you right then. How would it have looked for your escape if you came out all fucked up with neither of you remembering how it happened?”

“I guess I should be grateful for that.” Walker commented. “And I would be if I wasn’t pointing a weapon at my friends.”

“You’ll be able to stop once I tell you to.” Helen assured him. “And lastly, we come to Oscar Dodge. The Hollywood makeup artist turned con man and forger. If that sounds like mockery, it’s not meant to be. This is an honor, sir. I mean, there are cons NAMED after you! You could’ve come to castle and requested an audience and I’d have granted it. Hey, did you know The Swede lives here? You might know him as The Suede, but he doesn’t like that name.”

“I did know that.” Oscar replied. “I wanted to pop in but figured you might know him.”

“Smart move. Also, ask him for coffee or cocoa. I’m not a tea drinker, prefer cocoa, but I’m told his isn’t very good. Well, that’s the introductions out of the way. I have some friends with me, too, but I’m sure they’d rather let me do the talking.”

“I wouldn’t.” Julie Equals said over the comms. “Hey, Walker. You gassed my husband and shot my first girlfriend, you fucker.”

“I’m sorry.” Gordon said.

“Not yet.”

“You two can catch up later.” Helen interrupted. “Susan was right, Julie. I’m doing a thing. Now, back to the matter at hand. Where are my belongings, Tracy?”

“They’re here, Contess ... er, Helena.” Tracy answered. “The necklace is a fake and you can just rewrite that letter, but the Star of Uongo is aboard as well. And if you shell us, you’ll never get it back.”

“You’re in my harbor, Tracy, and we have divers. It’d be a hassle and we might not make the deadline, but we’d recover it. Oh yeah, there’s an important treaty riding on me getting that diamond back. I’m guessing the buyer left out that detail when they put you on this job. I’ve also had a guest I’ve been neglecting the past few days while I’ve been wrapped up in all this. He hasn’t complained so far, but that’s because I’ve left him with Maria and she’s a delight. Nonetheless, Hospitality is a primary virtue in this country, so you’ve made me look bad.”

“Well,” Tracy replied. “I can’t apologize enough for that, Helena. And I can see that it’s pointless to lie to you. Your Ultimados must have us surrounded by now. You know we’re unarmed, so you could order them to move in any time and use your powers to get the truth from me. So, why not do it?”

“Because you’ve gone to a lot of trouble to get the kind of notice from me that smart people fear acquiring. I’ve been putting together my thoughts on why you’d do that. I’d like you to tell me how right or wrong I am. You made your money with the Star job. And it looks like, while waiting for the buyer, you decided to pull one on me. But I think it was the other way around. I think I was always your objective, and the Star of Uongo was just something that came up. I mean, a few days later and it would’ve gone into my vault, and you’d never have gotten it. Especially if you tried to tunnel. Since you’ve learned a couple of big secrets of mine already tonight, and you’ll only remember what I want you to, I’ll let you in on another: we TELL people the vault’s a mile beneath the castle, but it’s really just half a mile. So, if anyone tries digging, they’ll tunnel right past it.”

“Fairly clever.” Tracy admitted. “And your second guess is correct, Helena. The buyer told me where it would be at its most vulnerable, but that job came at the last second. You’ve always been my real goal. Do you know how often your name comes up in criminal circles? Especially if you’re a woman in this game? ‘So, a girl, eh? You ever heard of a girl I knew named Helen Parker?’ Your legend has been mansplained to me again and again. How it seemed you could just walk into a place and take what you wanted, and no one would stop you. How you somehow managed to either slip or charm your way past the cops every time. What dangerous people you’d associated with and walked away unscathed. And, of course, how you stole the heart of a king, and then his kingdom. Reading your letter’s caused me to rethink that last one but learning that the rumors that you can control minds are real explains the rest of it. And then the truth about your sons’ father? That knowledge is worth more to me than the necklace OR the Star!”

“Yeah, but mind powers, remember? I’m just going to make you forget it.”

“I have no doubt now that you can do that, Helena. You can make me forget all of this. But can you do it to yourself? Will YOU be able to forget that time I got to you? That time you let one of your greatest secrets slip out of your fingers and into mine? Can one of the others do that for you? Make you forget the night that, however you cover it up, even in your own head, you played my game and I won? That I proved myself the better criminal and got away with something that truly mattered to you. You’ll get everything back and suppress the story, but you won’t be able to change the fact that it happened.”

“You raise some good points, Tracy.” Helen answered with a drag. “And I know this hasn’t been some passing fancy for you. I hear you like to act off the cuff, but this has been on your mind for a long time. Let me guess: You’ve got some weird collage of pictures of me that you spend lots of time just looking at, don’t you?”

“It’s called a vision board!” Tracy insisted.

“Of course, it is. There are a few things that I tell people are part of this job of mine. Making entrances, grand noble gestures, not being seen in the same outfit twice, even if you’re going to back-to-back funerals. Another part that I don’t talk about often is how much of it involves learning to live with things. I’ve ordered soldiers to their deaths, had to calculate lives lost against lives saved, been unable to prevent wars. Do you know how much that last one STINGS for someone with this power? I know you’ve got some of our fine local cocaine on board. Every time I’m forced to sit down at a meeting table with some genocidal maniac, and he doesn’t mysteriously kill himself shortly thereafter, I feel like paying a visit to Fabrizio myself. I promised Vincenzo I wouldn’t anymore, so I never do. I live with myself; knowing that the only reason they continue living is because the father of the children whose world I’d be making better would know I did it, and he would be disappointed.

“And any mistake I make doesn’t just get talked about in the papers, it goes into history books next to my name, where it will stay forever. Except this one, of course. Everything’s been classified so far. But that time someone was enough of a fool to rob me in the place where I get to decide their fate isn’t going to stick with me long. No, this is about more than that.

“Someone who isn’t completely stupid, which I’ve learned the past couple days that you’re not, would back off once she knew I was on to her. So, something else motivated you. We’d determined that it was reputation and you’ve shown that, but there’s clearly more. I think you did this FOR the purpose of getting my attention. I think all those stories about the things I’ve done had more of an effect on you than you let on. And that vision board? I think you do more than just look at it. I think you do THINGS while you look at it. Stuff you probably don’t want me talking about with your friends listening.”

“I’d ... er ... appreciate if you didn’t, Helena.” Tracy admitted, blushing slightly.

“I wanna know.” Julie cut in again.

“I’ll show you later.” Helen promised. “But you’re right, Tracy. This is starting to get a tad personal for a group discussion like I can’t seem to stop this from becoming. Now it’s time for you to do what good little thieves do and run off into the night so we can catch you properly. Sinclair and Walker can drop the weapons now. And be sure to take your comms out. We can track those, don’t make this TOO easy.”

Gordon and Morris dropped their weapons. Tracy took out her comms and motioned for the others to do the same. The harbor’s PA system activated and the song “Yakety Sax” by Boots Randolph began playing from it.

“Is that the Benny Hill theme?” Tracy asked.