Chapter 12

“The taxman’s taken all my dough. And left me in my stately home.
Lazing on a sunny afternoon.
And I can’t sail my yacht. He’s taken everything I’ve got.
All I’ve got’s this sunny afternoon.”
-The Kinks, “Sunny Afternoon”

During the Victorian Era in San Finzione, when La Familia Royale was larger and the country had more nobility, it was a general expectation of men that they all be handy and able to fix anything. Even the nobleman who’d never worked a day in his life and would eventually have to call a repairman to solve the problem was expected to have a fully stocked Tool Room equipped with everything he needed to try and fix it himself before admitting defeat.

Because these wealthy men’s rooms existed largely for show, a market amongst those with the money was created for something called Gentleman’s Tools. Tools made of gold and silver with ornately carved ivory handles. Whereas the poor workman’s iron and wood hammer might last him ten years, being made of softer, easier to chip, bend, or break precious metals, the tools were meant for display purposes only. That didn’t stop some from trying to use them anyway.

Castle Finzione’s set of Gentleman’s Tools had been plundered by the Nazi general Werner Schell when he invaded San Finzione. After the War, the newly made Count Vincenzo Ramon de San Finzione I reasoned that he had a country to rebuild, so he re-stocked Castle Finzione’s Tool Room with functional hardware that had been maintained and kept up to date since. It was for this reason that Julie Equals had chosen this room to work on her patron, Contessa Helena de San Finzione’s art projects.

Julie was using a small hammer and anvil to bend something into shape when Helen entered the room.

“Hey, Girl.” Helen said, causing Julie to look up from her work. “How’s it going?”

“Hey, Also Girl. I have no idea how Nunzio was able to get everything on that list, but he did it. I’m not sure if the big one will be ready in time, but things are coming along on the smaller work nicely.”

“Good.” Helen replied, walking over to Julie and setting an envelope on the table next to her. “The Ministry’s contribution arrived.”

“Ok, cool.” Julie said distractedly, reaching for a small screwdriver and a pair of pliers. She inserted the head of the screwdriver into her project and grabbed onto the grip with the pliers. She then picked up the hammer and pressed it against the screwdriver, as if wondering where to strike it. “Here, hold these a second, would you?”

Helen took hold of the hammer and pliers and held the screwdriver in place, ready to strike the end of the screwdriver at Julie’s request. Julie stepped away, then walked over to the door and locked it.

“Ok, Helena.” She said, standing firm between Helen and the only exit to the room. “Why don’t you want to talk about your birthday?”

“You’re aware that you put a blunt instrument, a crushing implement, and a shiv in my hands before locking us in, right?”

“I’ll still take you, Helena, and you know it.”

“Ok.” Helen agreed. “Am I holding these for actual artistic purposes or was it just to distract me while you went for the door?”

“The second thing.”

Helen gave Julie a half-smile and set down the tools. She sensed that she wasn’t getting out of here until they talked, sat on a stool, and lit up.

“So,” Julie said, dragging another stool over to sit with her. “Is this because, for the first time in eight years, you’re no longer going to top Populace Magazine’s list of ‘The Most Powerful 30 Under 30?’”

“It’s been two years since I was stabbed, Julie, and I have children now. I’m over the ‘fear of my own mortality’ stuff that was going on at the time.” She took a deep drag. “So, no, turning thirty is not the problem. It’s that this is the tenth year that my birthday has been a national holiday.” She took another. “And the eighth without Vincenzo. He was the one who loved the parades. That’s because The People loved HIM! Some of the signs they hold up for me have gotten crueler, some have gotten nicer since the assassination attempt and having the twins, but doing the parade makes me remember all the years that they weren’t. All those years of having Scappa literally parade me through the streets and tolerating it when people would shout ‘grave robber’ and ‘gold digger.’ Before he lost Sofia and the world became too full of nutjobs to do it, Vincenzo liked to occasionally stop in at a bar and have a drink with The People and listen to what they thought about him. For me, facing all that Public Opinion at once is still something I can’t grow accustomed to.”

“Helena.” Julie told her with a hand on Helen’s shoulder. “I happen to know that one of your deepest fantasies is touching yourself on global television while the whole world watches you. That’s not the fantasy of someone who has a problem with Public Opinion. Why would it bother you now?”

“The boys are getting old enough to watch TV, so that dream’s dead. And it doesn’t. What bothers me is that after eight years and everything I’ve tried to do to maintain Vincenzo’s legacy, 30% of the country still thinks I fucked him to death to get the throne!”

“That can’t be true.” Julie assured her.

“That’s as of last month’s survey.” Helen pointed out. “Another twenty-two percent are still undecided.”

Julie scooted the stool closer and put an arm around Helen. She took the cigarette from Helen’s hand and took a puff. Helen’s eyes widened.

“You’re not supposed to be doing that anymore.” She told Julie. “Troy’s going to know where you got it. And then, I’m going to hear about it.”

“I’ll tell him I taste and smell like smoke because I was kissing you.” Julie smiled. And then leaned over and did so. “See? Now I’m not a liar.” She handed the cigarette back to Helen.

“Speaking of Troy, someone once told the two of us that she was The Second-Most Hated Woman in the World.”

“I’m gaining on the first.” Helen replied. “She might be out of politics, but she’s still more of a boogeyman to a lot of stupid people than I am. They think that if you say her name into a mirror three times, she comes out and GETS you!”

“Those thirty percent suck. I know that if power was what you wanted, you could have stayed in America, taken control of the saps we have in office, and conquered the country.”

“I decided I wanted a GOOD country instead.” Helen answered, leaning in for another kiss.

“It sounds like you’re forgetting one of the most basic things we’ve all tried to teach you. That Contessa Helena de San Finzione is not alone in this world. I mean, fuck, we had a meeting about it this morning!”

“That 30% is still going to be out there. Holding their signs and hating me. Despite the fact that I’m the reason they’ve got the day off to come down and do it.”

“Yes, they will. But the twins will be there, riding in car seats along with their mama. And nobody could ever hate them. And Troy can’t be there in the limo with you, but I certainly can.”

Two years prior, an enemy of Helen’s learned the truth about her power and threatened to expose her and her friends’ secret to the world. That man had been named Leonard Whyte CBE, and Helen stabbed him and threw him off a building for it.

Helen had kept Whyte from revealing the secret, but her relationship with her oldest, dearest friends and first loves had been exposed to the public, making manifest Troy’s fear of her world coming down on their door. Helen had managed to spin the story so that the world only learned that Julie was her lifelong friend and a talented artist who had La Contessa’s patronage. The fact that she and her husband, and now their girlfriend as well, were still her lovers had been left out of the public version.

“Ok, that could make it better.” Helen admitted. Julie reached for the cigarette again and Helen pulled it out of her reach. “I’m not going to get you started back on them.”

“All right, fine.” Julie gave up. She had another thought and reached for Helen’s phone. A portion of Helen and Julie’s friendship had always stayed on the playground and pranking each other was something they enjoyed. Helen knew that leaving Julie alone with her phone was a mistake she’d made before, but decided to hand it over anyway, keeping the cigarette out of Julie’s reach.

Julie went to the Photos folder and started looking for something. Helen didn’t protest. She and Julie had been lovers longer than she and Troy had. Nothing on there would shock the woman who knew all about her former televised masturbation fantasy and more.

“I want you to keep this pic handy.” Julie told her, scrolling past the naked pictures of herself. “And remember how many people who care about you it took to do it.”

“If you’re looking for the one I’m thinking of, Susan didn’t care much for me back then. With good reason.”

“We’re past that. And look where you two are now. Here.”

Julie handed the phone back. Helen looked at the image that she thought she’d see and smiled.

“I took this picture to Uongo with me, you know. When that thing with Maria happened. In case Igazi made me spend the night in The Box or something, I’d have that for moral support. Didn’t end up needing it, but it was nice to know it was there.”

“Then let it support you when you’re dealing with that thirty percent who, let’s be honest, are just bitter because they secretly want to fuck you.”

Helen put the phone away.

“Only you, Troy, and Susan get to secretly fuck me.”

Julie looked over at the door. She put her hand on Helen’s knee.

“Speaking of which, while I’ve got you all locked in here...”

Julie’s hand crept up her knee and under Helen’s dress. Their lips met with more intensity.

“Will you be able to finish the projects in time?” Helen asked.

“I’ll be able to finish YOU in time.” Was Julie’s response. “Probably them, too.”

Helen closed her eyes while Julie lifted her dress and practiced another of her arts.

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR BACKUP!!!” Tracy Baker shouted at Franz Hauber on the deck of his yacht. “Your job was simple. Be ready to extract them. That’s ALL you had to do! Do you know how to do that, Franz? You find a café in the neighborhood, sit at a table, have a coffee, and remain available in case they call on you. If you’re smart, you bring along something to read because you’ll be there a while. And then, and this is the most important part, Franz, YOU FUCKING ANSWER WHEN THEY CALL!!!”

“Ja, ja. I am sorry.” Franz said for the sixth time since he, Gordon Walker, and Alice Mei had returned from locating the secret entrance to Castle Finzione.

“Now, La Contessa knows we were scanning for something in the area, and she’s not going to need too many guesses to figure out what. And once they find you’ve slipped past their cordon, they’re going to start looking at vehicles that left the scene beforehand. And that’s where Luc Allaine, the person you’re so afraid of, is going to see you on the traffic cameras! Then they’ll have the car, which will lead them straight to us. You, or someone who can HANDLE a simple task like this, is going to have to ditch it somewhere. And we all know what you were doing WHILE you were off comms, so you talked to someone in the city. How much did you get?”

Franz put his hands in his pockets and gripped the two plastic bags, worried that Tracy might demand he throw them away.

“Not much.” He answered. “A quarter kilo.”

“Well, THAT’S not a conspicuous amount!” Tracy sarcasmed. “Too much to get from a street dealer, so you must’ve gone to someone you knew could fulfil that order. After I told everyone not to see any old friends in this country! Because someone with that much coke to sell in San Finzione could ONLY do it with La Contessa’s fucking permission! Which means he’s already told her you’re here. Can you think of anything you might’ve told The Old Dope Peddler that could lead her to us?”