Chapter 3

What in the Dickens?

“And then there were two.” Lily scowled at the fireplace. While she had been more than a little angry that Mike had asked her to stay behind, the rational part of her understood why. Nothing would give her more pleasure than antagonizing that elf. Lily could tell that Holly had quite the body hidden underneath her Santa slave-wear. Goading the woman into a sexual encounter sounded positively delightful.

The emotional part of her wanted to rip someone’s face off and eat it.

“Not quite, my young demoness.” Death moved toward the tree and knelt down to pick up a package. “Tick Tock is not human, so I assume that he is in a wakeful state.”

As if in response, the lid of the gift slid to one side and a ribbon emerged, hanging over the side like a dog’s tongue.

“We got left behind, Bone Daddy. We’re just warming the bench until they return. I’m surprised that you offered to stay. Don’t you want to see the North Pole? Meet your big fat hero?”

Death chuckled. “Ah, but then I wouldn’t be able to do this.” He hopped onto the bench of the sleigh and set Tick Tock next to him, then picked up the reins. “On Dasher, on Dancer! On Francis and Plissken! On Gromit, on Stupid! On Dahmer and Blumpkin!”

Lily scowled. “Those aren’t their names.”

“Those are the names Tinker told me.” Death turned to examine Santa’s bag. “I wonder if there are any other presents in here for me? Or perhaps there’s one for you?”

“If the legends are any metric, I should have a nice big rock in there.”

Death ignored her, his arm already buried deep in the bag.

“How do you suppose he finds the presents? Is there some kind of order to them? Holly gave me that compass earlier without looking, so maybe I just need to think really hard...” The flames in Death’s eyes swirled as he pulled a gift the size of a toaster out. “Aha, look!”

He tilted the present toward Lily, a smug look on his face as he tapped the label.

“No shit?” Puzzled, Lily took the box. “How do you know it’s for me and not some other Lily?” She examined the label, and saw Lily the Succubus written on the tag in golden calligraphy. “Okay, that’s fair. It’s heavy.”

“Open it! Open it!” Death was gripping the side of the sleigh so tight that his fingers dug into the velvet upholstery. “Let’s see what Santa got you!”

“This is ridiculous.” She slid her finger beneath the wrapping paper to rip it, then stopped. A cold breeze moved across the back of her neck and tickled her ears. “Do you feel that?”

Death paused. “Feel what?” He gave the sleigh a squeeze. “It feels nice. I think it’s mahogany.”

In the kitchen, something fell on the floor with a metallic clatter.

“I thought there was no one else outside the time lock.” Lily set the package down on the seat and walked toward the kitchen. The dining room was dark, as the lights had been off when time froze. However, the kitchen light was on, and she could see a moving shadow within. There was muttering, followed by a wet slurping sound in the kitchen.

Turning the corner, she found herself staring at a large figure huddled over the sink. It had pulled one of the pans out of the drying rack and was licking it with a tongue the size of Lily’s forearm. Its sloped, abnormally large face terminated in a bulbous nose with thin slits for eyes.

Lily froze, stunned by what she was seeing. The window above the sink was cracked open a couple of inches and she could feel the cold from where she stood. The creature hadn’t noticed her yet, and she wondered briefly about the fluid dynamics of air in a time stopped world. Was this creature an undiscovered local? Or had it snuck in somehow?

The lumpy figure grunted in disgust and threw the pan to the floor. It sniffed at the other pans, drool hanging from its lips.

Snapped from her reverie, Lily slapped her hand on the countertop. “Hey! Potato face!”

The figure turned to look at her, its mud-colored eyes going wide. Growling, it grabbed another pan from the drying rack, then threw it at Lily so hard that the impact knocked her to the ground. Before she could rise, the creature was on top of her, its thick fingers wrapped around her throat.

She tried to say something witty, but the bastard was squeezing too hard. Even if this thing ate mold from inside the walls to keep the house clean, it had officially earned an ass-beating. She willed her tail to appear and stabbed the thing in the neck, injecting it with sleeping venom.

“Ur?” The creature blinked, then stumbled backward and fell on its butt, rubbing at where she had stung him.

“Yeah, that’s right, go to sleep, asshole.” Lily stood and rubbed her neck. The torn skin closed up beneath her hands as she waited.

The creature growled at her and jumped to its feet, shaking off her venom.

“Fuck me,” she swore as the thing ran toward the sink. It jumped at the window above it and turned into mist, passing through the gap.

“Lily! Help!” Death’s voice was filled with panic, so Lily grabbed a pair of knives from the knife block and ran back toward the living room. Death was sitting in the sleigh, trying to shove away a pair of figures similar to the one from the kitchen. One of them wore an ugly green hat, while the other had large teeth that protruded from its bottom lip. Both of them were fighting to pull Santa’s bag from the sleigh, but Death was wrestling them away.

“Use your scythe,” she yelled as she held up the knives.

“It only works on spirits,” he replied. “Also, these things are quite strong.”

Lily leapt into the fray, aiming the knives for the figure in the hat. Both of the knives cut through the burlap vest the thing wore, but slid across its skin without injury. The creature spun around and clubbed Lily in the face with a meaty fist, knocking her away.

“No!” Death was now sprawled across Santa’s sack, the drawstring pulled tight beneath his body as the creatures tried to pull him away. “These are not your toys!”

“Okay,” Lily muttered as she moved toward the sleigh. “Let’s try this again.”

She stabbed both of the creatures with her tail, knowing that there would at least be a temporary effect. They both turned to face her, spreading their arms wide as if to catch her.

“If you think being pinned between two idiots frightens me, you’ve got another thing coming.” She could see that Underbite’s eyes were glassing over, while Hat’s eyes were wide with rage. Crouching down, she leapt into Underbite, pushing it to the ground and stabbing it several times with her tail. The creature moaned, its eyes fluttering.

One down, Lily thought with a smirk. One to go.

Hat grabbed her from behind by the tail and whipped her into the sleigh. Grunting, she tried to grab hold of something as she was dragged across the floor, but the object came loose and fell with her. It was her present, and she couldn’t help but grin when she saw her name glistening in the light.

“Sæt stelpa.” Hat grinned at her as it crouched over her torso. The smell of damp soil and mold was overwhelming, and its breath wasn’t much better. Hat cocked a fist over his shoulder while grabbing Lily by the neck.

She smashed her present into his face, knocking his hat off. The creature yelped and clutched its nose as it stumbled away from her, leaking green blood on the floor.

“Now use this one!” Death cried as he picked up Tick Tock and tossed him to Lily. She caught the mimic while still lying on her back, and then took aim with both hands.

“You know the drill, toaster.” Lily threw the mimic at the now hatless creature. Tick Tock unfolded in mid-air, revealing bladed limbs that scratched and stabbed. Hatless cried out and ran across the living room, toward the fireplace. Like the creature in the kitchen, it folded into itself and turned into a green mist that shot up the fireplace.

“Oh, Lily.” Death knelt down to pick up her gift. “I’m afraid the package tore.”

“What the hell was in this thing, a rock?” Lily took the remains of her gift from him and tore the paper away. “Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

“That ... is a very big lump of coal.” Death frowned. “I suppose it’s the thought that counts?”

“Fuck that.” Lily dropped the heavy piece of anthracite. It gouged a chunk of wood out of the floor and she gave it a kick into the living room, leaving a furrow in the wood where it landed. “These assholes just broke into our home, Death. OUR HOME. They aren’t supposed to be able to do that, and I’m about to find out why.” She moved toward the remaining creature on the floor and stabbed him a few more times for good measure. If the creature wasn’t asleep already, it was faking it really well.

“I am worried for the others.” Death sat down on the bench of the sleigh. “This was supposed to be fun.”

“We have very different ideas of fun.” Lily put her hand on the creature’s head and frowned. Even though it was asleep, its dreams were impenetrable. Instead of sinking into its Dreamscape, all she got were fleeting images, most of them of the sleigh itself, followed by the bag.

“Well?” Death sounded worried.

“They’re here for the sleigh and the bag.” Lily moved her hand away and wiped it off on the burlap vest. “If we leave it here, more of them will come. Since they aren’t frozen in time, they must have come from the North Pole, too.”

“Santa’s helpers?”

“Nope.” While she hadn’t understood most of the images, the intent had been clear. Whoever these guys were, they hated Santa with a passion. “And there are more of them, like one big ugly family.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Death reached down to the floor where Tick Tock came waddling up on metallic legs. He picked the mimic up and set him on the seat. “We must not judge based on appearances. But yes, they would seem to be assholes.”

“We need to move it somewhere else.” She frowned as she contemplated her options. There was nowhere in the house that was airtight, and she certainly didn’t want the place to get trashed. “How the heck do we even move it, though? I’m strong enough to pick it up, but it’s bigger than any of the doors.”

“Ah, but Holly got it through the fireplace, did she not?” Death began searching the sleigh. “I am willing to bet there’s some sort of user’s manual we can look at.”

“Death, I understand that this whole childish naivety thing is your schtick, but there’s no way that Santa has—”

“Here it is!” Death had lifted the seat beneath him to reveal a small journal with a cover made of wrapping paper. He flipped through the pages and nodded to himself. “Oh, good. It has a table of contents.”

Lily blinked in surprise. “Why the hell does Santa need a user’s manual for his sleigh?”

“Have you not been watching all those Christmas movies? Santa is always getting in trouble and someone has to come help him. It makes sense that he would—aha!” Death flipped through the pages and nodded. “Um ... some of these words are too big for me.”

“Let me see.” She took the book from Death and looked at the page he was on. “In the event that the sleigh must be transported through confined spaces, it will automatically utilize the properties of relativity and length dilation to...” She felt her eyes glaze over as the description was followed up with a mathematical proof. “I think it’s saying it will just fit, because reasons.”

“Aha!” Death’s voice was filled with glee, and Lily looked up to see that he had pulled a large red velvet coat from under the seat. He belted it over his robes, and the fabric draped awkwardly, the cut designed for a much thicker figure. “I knew he would have a spare!”

“Why would ... y’know what? It doesn’t matter. We need to get this somewhere safe, but where?” She looked at Beth, still frozen in place. “Do you think we need to take her with us?”

“Ms. Holly said that time is stopped everywhere but the North Pole and where the sleigh is. Once we leave, the house will be safe.”

“But that also means that those creatures must have come through when the sleigh did. So why didn’t they do anything?” It occurred to her that they had only revealed themselves after everyone else had left. If that was the case, then was it just the three of them? Or were there more? Were those things now time locked outside the sleigh’s range, or was there some other magic at work here?

“Everywhere else on Earth is frozen in time,” Death informed her. “So we cannot expect to receive help from anyone on Earth. Perhaps the centaurs could assist us?”

It wasn’t a bad idea, so Lily got behind the sleigh and pushed it toward the back door. When they reached the hallway, the sleigh narrowed down to fit. Death, while in the driver’s seat, squeezed down as well.

“How fascinating,” he muttered. “The whole hallway has become larger to accommodate us!” He turned to look at her and grinned. “And you are much wider as well!”

Lily ignored him. When they got to the door, a cold gust of wind came from nowhere and the door opened by itself while playing a sound like jingling bells.

“Ugh, enough of that Hallmark shit!” She pushed the sleigh outside and the door shut itself as the sleigh expanded to its previous size. The shortcut to the centaur village was through a small hut that had been built near the edge of the property. The sled felt surprisingly light on the snow, as she maneuvered it toward the hut.

Up above, she heard the scrambling of feet on the roof. She looked up to see six figures staring at her from above, each one glaring at her with malice.

Lily didn’t like that they were outnumbered, and was concerned that the figures hadn’t acted yet. It was like they were waiting for something, and it couldn’t be good.

When they got close to the hut, Lily opened the door and looked inside. A large rat portal had been chewed into the back of the hut, and she ran through the portal into the yurt on the other side. Shoving the flap open, she started to call for help but paused.

The centaur village was silent. At a nearby fire, the flames were frozen in place as a storyteller was in the midst of sharing a tale with a small group of centaur children. Across the yard, a tent flap was in mid-curl behind a centaur woman who had just exited and was now frozen mid-stride.

Lily ran back through the portal, licking her lips nervously. The centaur village wasn’t even on Earth, it was a pocket dimension. Did that mean time was frozen everywhere? How would such a thing even work?

“Centaur village is a no-go,” she announced as she stepped back outside. Death was staring at the roof where more figures had appeared. There were nine of them now, including Hatless.

“What are they waiting for?” Death asked. He was answered by a low growl as a dark figure appeared over the roof. It blotted out the sky as it moved across the roof of the Radley home, then turned its head to reveal a pair of bright yellow cat’s eyes. They looked huge in the moonlight, and the darkness of the pupils sloshed like ink.

The giant cat hopped off the roof and landed on the snow without leaving so much as a pawprint. Its dark, ashen fur was tipped with white and it had the wild look of something feral. It bared its fangs and swiped at the sleigh with claws the size of daggers.

“No! Bad kitty!” Death summoned his scythe and swiped at the cat’s paw. The cat hissed and pulled its foot back.

“I thought you could only hurt spirits,” Lily said.

“He doesn’t know that,” Death replied.

The giant cat circled them as Lily moved next to the sleigh. The cat stood nearly twenty feet tall and had the stocky build of a lynx. Its tail twitched behind it as it looked for an opening.

“The village is time-locked as well,” Lily said. “We’re on our own.”

“Hmm.” Death waved his scythe at the cat, then looked at Lily. “Maybe it’s not that everything else is frozen in time, but that we are trapped in a single moment.”

“Sure, whatever.” Lily didn’t care about the how or why of time-locking and picked up a snowball and threw it at the cat. It exploded harmlessly against its fur. “But it doesn’t help our current situation.”

“Hmm.” Death jabbed at the cat, but it was getting bolder. It was only a matter of time before it figured out Death couldn’t hurt it. “I can think of someone who could protect us from a bad kitty cat.”

“Cerberus?” Lily looked down the hill at the gate. “There are so many reasons that it won’t work, but let’s go to that single moment theory.”

“The Underworld has never cared much about the proper flow of time. If something can be killed during this moment, then the Underworld would still let us in,” Death replied, then swatted away a paw. The blade of the scythe passed harmlessly through it, and the cat pulled back its paw, eyes wide in shock. The cat lifted its foot and inspected the pads with discerning eyes.

The damned thing grinned.

“Oh. Oh dear.” Death looked at Lily. “Perhaps you should just push us toward the gate and pray for a Christmas miracle?”

“Damnit, bone man, demons don’t pr—” She ducked as a claw slammed into the side of the sleigh, making it slide across the snow. Death used the butt of his scythe like a pole to guide the sleigh. When the cat struck again, the figures on the roof began their descent, scrambling down the drains to get to the ground.

The cat batted at the sleigh, launching it forward. Lily tumbled into the back of the sleigh where the bag was. It pressed against her, pinning her in place and crushing a couple of ribs. She couldn’t see anything but could hear the figures shouting to each other. By the time she pulled herself free, they were sliding down the hill toward the gate to the Underworld.

“This is much more fun than those saucer sleighs,” Death declared as he grabbed her and pulled her into the front seat. “I would advise you to hold on tight.”

“Death, we’re crashing!” She tried to unfurl her wings to fly away, but the cat was right behind them. With an outstretched claw, it tore a hole through the membrane of one of her wings. Pain lanced through Lily’s body as she fell forward, her eyes widening as she held on tight to the sleigh.

Death didn’t acknowledge her. Instead, the Grim Reaper loudly sang Jingle Bells as the world around them distorted, the bars of the gate spreading themselves far apart as they slipped through an opening that was a couple of inches wide. Behind them, the cat’s face looked like pulled taffy as it let out a growl of rage and raked its claws against the indestructible iron gate. Sparks sprayed into the air and danced in the snow, then the swirling mists of the Underworld wrapped around them, obscuring the house from view.

The ice wall that had blocked the elevator exploded into large chunks that hovered in place. Yuki held her breath as she watched them rotate for a couple of seconds, then form into a giant archway. It wasn’t so much that the ice had been reformed, that didn’t bother her. She had felt it react with excitement, as if eager to obey the commands of whoever was behind those doors.

Ice didn’t do that. At least, it never had for her.

The elevator door slid open, and a cloud of fog billowed outward. Everything the fog touched frosted over with intricate patterns, and Yuki had to bite her lip to keep from swearing.

“I know you’re down here.” The speaker had a slight husk to their voice, but Yuki couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman. However, the frost patterns had her worried. The intricate nature of laying patterns in frost wasn’t something casually done. It took tremendous amounts of effort for such an artistic endeavor, and the newcomer didn’t look like he was straining himself by any means. “You made quite the mess of the Cocoa Lounge.”

Mike pulled an air filter off and silently lowered it to the ground. He took Yuki by the hand and pushed her into the gap.

“What are you doing?” Her voice was so quiet, she may as well have just mouthed the question.

They’re tracking my magic, he replied in sign language. His sign language was sloppy, but passable. He had been working on it with Daisy for over a year now. His magical ability to understand it hadn’t translated to being able to use it himself, so it was something he practiced regularly with the fairies.

When the figure emerged from the frost, it was a young man with pixie cut hair, light blue skin and pointed ears. His hair was white, and he had sharp cheekbones that made him look aerodynamic.

There was a napkin balled up inside a crystalline sphere made of ice in his hands. Yuki nearly groaned when she realized it was probably a napkin Mike had used. With a single hair, a witch could track someone to the ends of the Earth. Whatever was in that napkin had made it easy for them to be found. The ball had a silver arrow hovering above it, which oscillated back and forth between where Mike stood and where Kisa was hiding.

“Now that’s interesting.” The man turned to look at where Kisa and the others were when Mike cleared his throat. “How are you in two places at once?”

“Okay, you’ve found me.” Mike had moved further down the throat of the furnace, where the light didn’t quite reach. “Sorry, I got here a little while ago, and have no idea what’s going on and kind of ended up down here. Care to explain where everybody went?”

The man looked taken aback, and his bloodless lips pursed together. “You’re not an elf.”

“Nope. I am definitely a human man,” he replied while moving away from Yuki’s hiding place. “Just an ordinary guy who fell through his fireplace.”

“An ordinary human couldn’t do that.” The stranger pointed at the arch behind him. “Summon and command the elements. No, I suspect you are more than you seem, and definitely believe that you aren’t alone.”

“Now, now, no need for accusations. I’m just a random guy lost in a Hallmark movie, and you’re coming off pretty strong.” As Mike spoke, Yuki could feel the subtle pressure of his magic radiating down the length of the furnace. She felt a need to believe him, to take him at his word and trust that he meant no harm. It was an interesting extension of his magic, and she wondered how much was a conscious effort on his part. Or maybe it was just her own wishful thinking? She would have to ponder it when their lives weren’t in potential jeopardy.

“Humans aren’t allowed in the Workshop.” The stranger held up the ice sphere. “And why are there two of you?”

“Don’t know. I’m not sure how that spell of yours works. If you explain it, maybe I can answer your question?”

The man walked toward where the others were hiding, little spheres of ice spinning around him like tiny moons. Yuki realized after a moment that he wasn’t even walking—instead, he hovered about an inch off the ground and glided forward.

“We’re not off to a good start to begin with, and you’re about to piss me off.” Mike’s voice now contained an edge that was hard to ignore, and he was nearly at the entrance to the furnace. His magic filled the air, and the pressure in the room increased. The man stopped and turned his attention back toward Mike.

“Stop that,” he said.

“Stop what?” Mike held his hands out, showing they were empty. Yuki felt a cold breeze inside of the furnace. It was coming from the man with the crystal ball. She pulled the tarot cards from her pocket and began sorting through them to find the right one. Sometimes when she held the cards, a sixth sense guided her to the one that was right for the situation. Other times, like this, she was forced to rely on her own imagination.

“Whatever your magic is doing. Stop it.” The man held up the crystal. “Or I will make you stop.”

“Then have a proper conversation with me.” Mike stopped at the entrance to the furnace. “My name is Mike, by the way.”

The man mulled this over, then looked at the crystal ball. The arrow kept twitching away, his features hardening as a layer of frost formed over his skin.

“You can call me Jack.” Jack lifted a hand and made a casual gesture, as if shooing a fly. A powerful gale of wind slammed into Mike, but he had crouched down a moment before it hit and grabbed a seam in the floor. His legs nearly slipped out from beneath him, but he remained upright.

Mike conjured a spider made out of lightning and sent it running across the floor. It leapt up and clung to Jack’s face, causing him to panic and back into his own ice arch. A couple of blocks fell loose, but the structure remained intact despite the gaps in its support.

Yuki jumped from her place of concealment and drew the Two of Wands. A staff appeared in each hand as she dashed toward Mike. When she made it to his side, she handed one to him.

“They shoot fire,” she explained, then held her staff out and summoned a jet of fire. Jack dodged, summoning a sphere made of ice to deflect the flames. Dark blue veins stuck out in Jack’s neck as he hovered into the air and pointed at the two of them. The ice arch burst apart with chunks of ice rushing toward them.

Mike ducked under the first one, then jumped over another. He had ignited his staff as well, and sweat beaded along his brow as the two of them tried to evade the icy projectiles while still attacking Jack.

“We can’t fight this guy,” she said. “Do you know who he is?” Instinctually, she wanted to summon a dozen icicles and turn the man into a pincushion, but had a strong feeling that anything she made would no longer belong to her. Even now, she could feel the magnetic pull of his magic as the shattered ice slid back across the floor toward him.

“Jack fucking Frost, apparently.” His eyes flicked over to where the others were hidden. “Think a loud enough noise would make him drop that crystal ball?”

“Maybe.” She pulled a pair of earplugs from a pocket in her sleeve and deftly jammed them in her ears. If they could destroy the ball, they could get away. But where would they even go?

Mike took a deep breath and unleashed the banshee’s scream. The sound caught Jack off guard, and he covered his ears, causing his shield to drop. Yuki directed a stream of fire at Jack, concentrating it on his hands. The flames licked at his flesh, and when he dashed up into the air, he dropped the crystal ball on the floor.

Yuki turned her staff onto the orb. It melted in seconds, then the napkin ignited and turned to ash. She grinned, happy for the small victory.

The scream ended when Mike ran out of breath, and he was taking another deep breath when Jack let out a howl of rage reminiscent of a blizzard. The whole room frosted over as gale-force winds shoved Mike and Yuki down the throat of the furnace. The floor froze beneath them, and they were now sliding on ice.

“Yuki!” Mike stuck his hand out and grabbed her tail as they slid down the tunnel. She didn’t know how far they went, but the icy wind suddenly vanished as the world went dark.

Kisa crouched down behind the block of ice next to the elevator, her wary eyes on the back of Jack’s head. She had moved away from the others the moment she realized that Jack was using their bodily fluids to track them. Now that the napkin was gone, she was safe.

As for Mike, he and Yuki had slid down the long hallway of the furnace and simply disappeared. This seemed to puzzle Jack, who was gazing warily down the throat of the furnace. He picked up a chunk of ice and contemplated it for a moment. When he threw it into the furnace, it slid into the darkness and then blipped out of existence.

“Hmm.” Jack turned around and pulled something out of his pocket. It looked like a child’s walkie-talkie. He held it to his mouth and pushed the talk button. “The intruders escaped into the furnace. Human man and a fox demon. They disappeared, I don’t know why. Over.”

The walkie-talkie emitted a piercing burst of static. Kisa winced and held her ears, but Jack nodded as if he understood the sounds.

“I see. Should I send the ghosts after him? Over.”

Another blast of static, then silence.

“Understood.” Jack put away the walkie-talkie and pulled a trio of Christmas ornaments from his pocket. He set them on the ground and took a step back.

From each of the ornaments emerged a single light, each one about a foot across. They circled over Jack in a tight spiral, changing colors like bulbs on a Christmas tree.

“Find them,” Jack commanded. “Teach them the true meaning of Christmas. Then kill them.”

One after another, the lights shot into the furnace and disappeared into its depths. Satisfied, Jack walked back to the elevator and pressed the button. Once he was gone, Tink and the others emerged from hiding. Alabaster was clutching his head as if in agony.

“Oh, they have the spirits, how did they get the spirits?” He groaned and looked at the furnace. “I’m so sorry about your friends.”

“Why?” Kisa moved to get a closer look at the furnace, but Holly intercepted her.

“It isn’t safe,” Holly explained. “From here, it looks simple enough, but once you go past a certain point, you can end up anywhere. They could be hundreds of miles away already.”

“What the hell? How?”

The elf shook off the minor swear. “We use a sunstone to heat this place. It’s essentially a tiny star. The furnace is infinitely long, and always changing. That’s why Tinker has had to help us, those goggles of hers are the only thing that can lead you out!”