Here are two strange vignettes for your perusal. They started with drunken half-dreams. I’m not claiming anything below is good or more than 90 percent original, just some odd and mildly entertaining stuff that might give somebody a better idea. If you write anything based on these please let me know. I would like to read it.

Smoke Kure - I’m Dr. Roderick Rollins, but my friends call me ‘Rod’. The source of my tremendous wealth is a supreme irony. I invented health-boosting cigarettes.

Instead of causing cancers, heart disease, and all sorts of other problems; Smoke Kure cigarettes have nothing harmful in them, other than optional nicotine. They include vitamins, anti-cancer and anti-aging drugs, and a tiny dose of proprietary nanobots which repair damaged cells and destroy cancerous ones. They’re also available with no, low, medium, or high nicotine. Most parents opt for the low nicotine ones for their children, so they’ll become addicted to smoking their vitamins and medicines but may be able to quit later if they want. For children and teens with hyperactivity disorders or depression, high nicotine is recommended for the artificial calm it provides.

The ingredient combinations have been run through the best simulations modern science has. They show a person who starts smoking five a day at age 15 can expect to live 8 extra years. A user who begins smoking two packs a day as a teen extends their expected lifespan by three decades. A very heavy smoker might live to the age of 150!

Due to the anti-aging ingredients, now most smokers look significantly younger than they are. In one interesting case, a girl started to smoke two packs a day when she was 7 years old. At age 30 her face looked like she was only 21!

There was a huge uproar in the medical and scientific communities. It went against common sense and experience for smoking to be a healthy activity. After more than a decade of testing, experiments, and studies, it was confirmed; other than avoiding obesity, using Smoke Kure cigarettes is the best health-enhancing activity a person can do.

They come in a large array of flavors and colors. There are brown appetite suppressant cigarettes that taste like a cheeseburger. The black ones for diabetes taste like a variety of candies. Yellow fruit-flavored ones help with vision problems and reduce allergies, and there are many, many more.

A new social phenomenon is called ‘Smokin’ pink and blue’, where a female smoking the pink birth-control cigarettes dates a male smoking the blue sex enhancement ones. It’s a great combination. The pink ones with a red stripe even include an aphrodisiac and are extremely popular with divorced women.

My second-best invention made smoking totally fire safe. A tube made of clear temperature resistant plastic contains the ash and slowly dissipates the heat. Each pack includes an igniter that only activates when the tip of a cigarette is touched to it. These days it’s safe to let even three and four-year-olds smoke unsupervised. There used to be laws banning children from buying or smoking cigarettes, but these days most parents teach their kids to smoke around the time they start reading. Smoking in school isn’t just allowed, there are smoke-free classrooms for the rare students who don’t.

As another irony, smokers used to be ostracized because of the smell and injurious second-hand smoke. These days it’s considered a little rude to not smoke in public and help those nearby be healthier.

Coloclitoplasty - In the afternoon the day before Christmas Eve, I looked up to the gallery and saw my six trainees were watching intently. Once I finished connecting the last of the tiny arteries and veins under a microscope, I withdrew from the surgical field. I turned and told my assisting, “The tough part’s over, Mark. You can close. I need to do some follow-ups. Page me for any emergencies, otherwise I’ll see you in two weeks.”