Chapter 1

“There’s no way this stuff’ll work...” I shook the test tube and watched the blue and silver crystals tumble around.

“What is it?” Iggy asked as we rode the bus home.

“Birthday present,” I said. “It might be from Mom.”

“Oh fuck!” She burned red and hugged me. “Happy birthday!”

“Thank you,” I said. “What’d you get me?”

“Don’t give me that look.” She poked her fingertip to my nose. “Don’t be crazy.”

“You didn’t even ask what I wanted?” I smiled.

“Dude, you wanted sex.” Iggy rasped the word ‘sex’. “We haven’t even been out on one full date, and... ‘s for boyfriends.”

“I’m a boy.” I elbowed her while wearing as stupid a grin as I could manage. “I’m your friend.”

“Emi’s a girl. Emi’s my friend. Should I have ... with her?” The word she didn’t say was screamed by her sarcastic face and rolling eyes.

“Can I watch?” Apparently my grin could get stupider.

“Blegh...” She rolled out her tongue and crossed her eyes. “I know what I want. I know what you want. Why is it so wrong to do it the right way? A date. A real date, not like going to a movie where you just pant like a dog trying to hump my leg the whole time.”

“It wasn’t your leg that I was interested in,” I said. “Though that left one is pretty nice.”

“You’re impossible.” Iggy cracked a smile. “All you ever talk about is sex.”

“All you ever talk about is relationships,” I said. “How about some give and take?”

She stared flatly at me. Waiting. Waiting. I leaned in to kiss her.

“God! You’re not listening at all.” She pushed my face back. Her laughing and giggling made me feel better. She never got offended or angry when I tried to go further.

“Come over tonight,” I said, when I had settled back in my seat. She raised an eyebrow; I did my best to look morose.

“What for?” she asked, slowly.

I waved the little test tube again. “Birthday party.”

“I don’t do drugs,” she said, with a frown.

“I don’t think it’s drugs. It’s some sort of bath salt maybe or something...” I said, staring at the crystals once again. “Mom set it next to my birthday card.”

“Even if your mom says it’s OK, I’m not going to take a bath with you,” Iggy snickered.

I put the vial back in my bookbag. “Come over anyway?”

“Did you invite anyone else?” she asked, knowing the answer.

No. I hadn’t. She knew she’d be first, if not the only. If it wasn’t for her (and her circle of girlfriends) I’d probably have turtled up and become a complete introvert loner. Theo, my grade school best friend, and his family had moved away before the ninth grade. Besides Iggy (and Emi, Dawn, and Anna ... And Ray), I had never really hung out with anyone else.

“Of course not.” I smiled, to stop myself from thinking of Ray. “You’re the only one for me.”

“And let me guess ... Your mom’s still off at some conference?” Iggy pursed her lips to keep from grinning. “You have the house suspiciously to yourself?”

“Gone for five more days,” I confirmed.

“Seriously, do you actually like me?” she asked.

“Yes! I’m always thinking about you!” I twisted and smiled broadly into her eyes. She shook her head and looked down. I was a teenager. I had been bumping knees with this girl on the bus for twenty minutes! My shorts were tented. It was a compliment!

“That ... I believe,” she sighed, though she couldn’t stop smiling. “Yes, I’ll come over tonight.”

“Really?”

“And I’m bringing the girls. It’s a real birthday party, not some trap for your penis.”

“I don’t think you’re a trap at all,” I said. “But I’m sure you’d have a very feminine penis.”

“You’re an idiot,” Iggy chuckled. She reached up and pulled the cord for the next stop.

“OK, but, um, bring your bikini.” I said.

“Why?” She narrowed her eyes. “It’s not warm enough for the pool.”

“So we can use the hot tub,” I said.

She just smiled at me for a moment, before saying: “I’ll think about it.”

“You don’t have to bring a bathing suit if you don’t want to wear one.” I raised my hand over my heart and my other up to swear.

“But--Oh, goddammit, this is about getting me to skinny dip with you.” She leaned over. For a second, I thought she was angry. I may have flinched a little. She laughed and poked her finger to my nose again. “You wish.”

I watched her ass get off the bus and waved to her on the sidewalk. The bus lurched forward as she walked towards her front door. I pulled the cord and signalled that the next stop was mine.

I’ll be honest, I was certain that any one of the other three were mine if I had just asked. But I couldn’t get Iggy, or get my mind off of Iggy.

Iggy’s not her Christian name, but almost no one calls her Isabel. She was the girl not-quite-next door. Not-quite-next block, technically. She lived eleven houses down. Petite, but for a slightly large (proportionately) pair of perky tits, soft brown eyes, fair brown hair. A little bit girlish, a little bit geeky.

It wasn’t quite so anime-childhood-friends-growing-up-into-inevitable-lovers. We hadn’t been running around together since grade school. We had most decidedly not been friends until she had grown boobs and I had grown enraptured by boobs. After that, well ... we were teenagers: a combination of immature, graceless, oversensitive, and transparent.

Now, I’m not going to pretend she at any point hated me, disliked me, or ignored me. We truly liked each other. We were almost almost every single day. When we found out Theo was moving away, it was Iggy who mustered the effort so that I wasn’t alone, that I still had real friends. Our brains just didn’t have what the other wanted. Somehow, the stars aligned so that she wasn’t ready for sex and I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend.

We still stumbled over each other as I grew more and more frustrated. I was certain that once I had slain my libidinous dragon, I’d be ready to give her what she wanted. She was certain once I could put the dragon to sleep for a half-dozen hours of cock-teasing romance, she’d psych herself up to give me what I wanted. I was willing to do anything to fuck Iggy! Willing to do anything, except for being patient. In retrospect, patience would’ve been much faster.

I retrieved the test tube in my backpack. It was surely a gag gift. Mom was weird. She cheerleaded for Lucas + Iggy pretty hard. She was almost disappointed that I hadn’t made Iggy my ‘kept woman’ yet. Still ... Giving me ‘Pure Love Potion’? Her sense of humor could be a little frightening.

I picked up the card on the kitchen table. A robot used eye lasers to attempt to blow out his birthday candles. Now everything was on fire. Instead of one of her sappy notes, I opened the card to find instructions typed inside:

1) Dissolve Pure Love Potion in hot water.

2) Add desired love slave and Master [This is you, hopefully].

3) Press boundaries and watch them move before your very eyes!

4) Repeat as needed.

Note: Test tube contains precise dose enough to establish Master and love slave.

I popped the rubber cork again. It smelled like Mom’s salon and no one else would’ve picked that card but for Mom. But, I just don’t know how she had put it on the table this morning. No one else lived here; Mom had flown out of state the day before yesterday. I had eaten delivered pizza on the very table I had found the card and vial this morning. Grandma and Granddad had keys but they had moved to Florida four years ago. Uncle Ryan? I shook my head. If someone had come in, I’d have surely woken up, right? It had to be Mom, right?

The other weird thing about the crystals was that they were another card, another gift. Mom and I had had my premature birthday party last weekend. She had bought me new sneakers. The salon had grown and grown over the years, but I was never one to expect two gifts.

Cool down Lucas. It’s a stupid joke. I just wish I knew who was in on it.

It smelled like the salon. It was probably just eucalyptus and coconut oils with a woowoo label slapped across it. Doing rich women’s hair and makeup required a lot of pseudoscience and a hint of salesmanship. Pure Love Potion ... I had to laugh; it was a harmless enough gag. Iggy would laugh. But I hadn’t told her the joke at school, on the bus, at all. Call it adolescent hopefulness and naivete, but if there was a chance it could work... 0.00000000001 times 10 to the negative 60 billion ... I should try it, yeah? You can’t prove it doesn’t work!

I laughed at myself. I shook my head. Iggy the love slave ... The mental imagery propelled me to anxiety and hyperactivity all afternoon.

“Yes Lucas ... Oh yes, Master ... Take me, I’ve always wanted it and now I’m ready to receive you!” I flushed the soiled tissues.

Yet, Iggy wasn’t the only one coming over. I may have been locked on her, but I wasn’t going to not fantasize about Emi, Anna, or Dawn. I blinked. Emi, Anna, and Dawn!

I would’ve rushed back up to my room to masturbate. Simultaneously, my phone buzzed in an arc across the kitchen table, and the doorbell rang twice.

“Hey Mom, Uncle Ryan’s here,” I said, into my phone as I opened the door. “18’s old enough that I didn’t need someone checking in on me. Oh, wait, he brought food. Nevermind, continue to treat me like a child.”

“It’s my job! Even as you get older and eat all of the food, you’ll always be my little guy!” Mom laid it on thick. I rolled my eyes and let my Uncle in. Then, she broke into song.

It is incredibly awkward holding your cell phone making eye contact with another man while your Mom sings Happy Birthday. Uncle Ryan shook his head at my expression and laid out the takeout he had bought for us.

“Yeah, have a good rest of your trip.”

“Oh, it’s a blast. Thank Uncle Ryan for me. Love you!”

“Love you, too,” I mumbled. I hung up, without having asked about the Pure Love Potion. I didn’t want to do it in front of Uncle Ryan. He tossed me some ketchup packets for my fries.

“She never changes, does she?” he laughed. “Happy birthday.”

“Thanks,” I said, around a chomp of bacon cheeseburger. “For the food too.”

“Yeah. Food ... This is just junk,” he waved his burger after a bite. “Trust me, the food seems good now, but you’re going to want to hitch yourself to a good woman who’ll force you to eat the healthy food you think you hate.”

“Right,” I snorted. “Worked so well for you.”

“I had to do the forcing myself, true enough,” he said, smugly, “Because for good women, I’ve been spoiled for choices. How about you?”

“Me? Girls?” Shit, I felt like an idiot for feeling nervous as I thought about Iggy.

“Choices,” he corrected. “You don’t just want to fall into the first snake pit that opens up to you.”

“That’s certainly a metaphor for vagina.” I said, slurping my pop.

He laughed. “You’re a good kid. You want me out of here before you throw whatever party you were willing to mop for?”

“Um...” I said.

“I can smell the Lysol.” He pointed to the silver dust in the test tube I had nervously and poorly hidden behind the toaster. “You sure about that?”

“Mom told you the gag, huh?”

“I was there when it first clicked for her,” he chuckled. “Seriously. You’re man enough for your mom to trust you. That means I trust you too. Have fun.”

“You’re not going to finish your burger?” I said. He had hardly taken two bites. His onion rings were untouched and soaking greasily through their paper bag.

“Happy birthday.” He shook his head, messed up my hair, and slid his meal in front of me. “Clean your face and brush your teeth before your girl comes over.”

“Girls.” I said. I swallowed to stifle a belch but that just caused it to ricochet out my nose. Mouthwash!

“Girls? Good man...” he said, eying the test tube of crystals with a shrug. “Isabel and one of the other three no doubt.”