Chapter 70: Sniffles

Monday, January 3, 1983

Jas and I spent most of the day together. Lunch, shopping, dinner, a while in bed, a shower, and some more time in bed snuggling. A very well-spent day, and I was thankful that the school calendar gave us the day off.

I took some time out to give Jess a quick call, but didn’t get her. Her mom said she was off at the mall, shopping. We never saw her, but the mall’s a big place.

When I got home, there was a message from Jess waiting on the machine.

“Steve? Hi. I ... thank you so much for last night. I’m sure you heard how much it meant to me. It’s, um ... I didn’t know I was going to do that. Sometime, soon, we should talk. I feel like ... he made me what I am, in a weird way. Which ... is okay. I like who I am, now. But ... it’s strange, thinking I’d be someone else if some jerk hadn’t taken advantage of me.

“Anyway, it’s a huge relief. I’m sorry I wasn’t home, but I had to go think things through. I need to stay ... well, me. But ... who am I, now that ... hopefully ... I don’t have to live in fear of some jerk blackmailing me whenever he feels like it? And, how can I help keep other girls from this?

“Give me a couple of days. I need to just be regular old Jessica tomorrow, and that will take a bit of effort. I think you’re in town for over a week, so ... we’ll get together in there, sometime.

“I ... love you. As a friend, and ... yes, I can admit that’s not completely all of it, but it’s where the end needs to be. It’s ... last night is the first time someone literally fought on my behalf. That was ... it’s a big thing, for me. Don’t worry — I’m not going to do something stupid. But it’s not just something I can let go of without thinking it through, either.

“Talk to you soon!”

Overall, I felt like her head seemed to be in the right place. I’d already realized that being her ‘white knight’ last night would just reopen some of those feelings, which weren’t completely tamped down in the first place. Her recognizing it, and looking for ways to deal with it, was for the best.

Angie listened, too, of course, and her thoughts mirrored mine, with one addition: “You still have her in the friend zone, which is still crazy. A good crazy ... but ... crazy!”

Tuesday, January 4, 1983

The first day of spring semester was ... pretty much like any other day. Classes got going in their usual vacation-hangover way. Meg made sure we realized that, in under two weeks, we’d be off to Strake Jesuit. They weren’t limiting attendance, but we still might have a light squad.

Two weeks after that, we’d be at Grapevine, which was comparatively high-stakes, especially for those of us who’d picked up ToC points at Emory: Lizzie and Janet, Amit, Sue, and Cammie and me. Another point at Grapevine and we’d have an invite. Would we go? It’d depend on a lot of things, but ... maybe. Some teams don’t do both ToC and Nationals, but we’d have only a week to figure out what to do about that, which is obviously not enough time for cheap flights and the like.

Most likely we’d need to pick, and commit, relatively early on. ToC would be a sure thing. Nationals (to my way of thinking, anyway) was more of a big deal. So ... who knows?

We sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Mikayla in Drama. She was thrilled about turning eighteen, but not quite thrilled enough to cut out of school at lunch and have a drink at a nearby restaurant, which was becoming a common pastime. It was still within the rules, too, though (if history repeated) we’d lose the freedom to go off campus for lunch (alcohol or not) next year.

I spoke quietly to both Linda and Darla in Debate, explaining that things had come up and I hadn’t had a lot of free time the first few days of the new year. I got the impression that both of them were a bit relieved as well. None of us had quite sorted out our feelings yet.

My guess was that Linda and I would eventually do ... more. How much more? That remained to be seen.

Darla? Maybe. I had much less of a feel for things with her. It was becoming more and more of a possibility for me, and that was a good thing, though. Whether we did or didn’t, it would’ve hurt her feelings if it wasn’t even a possibility.

Another round of ‘Happy Birthday’, this time at Study Group, for Mike. He was all smiles. Sarah probably had something to do with that. I was just happy watching them continue to do well.

I quietly thanked Cal for his referral, and also let him know I’d already known Marshall. He found that hilarious. Apparently, it’d never come up that Marshall was in competitive Drama.

At the end of Study Group, we did something that was maybe a little hokey, maybe a little clichéd, but ... still meaningful. Surprisingly, it was Mark and Morty who had the idea. They’d definitely matured over the past two years.

They got everyone into a big circle, pressed together, holding hands, making a chain. Then Mark said, “This is the big one, guys.”

“Oh, first semester senior year is big, too,” Morty said.

“But many of us will be early decision.”

“This one’s for all the marbles.”

“No one gets left behind.”

“If you need help, just ask.”

“We’re going to kick ass!”

We all squeezed each other’s hands, then hugged. Many eyes weren’t entirely dry, mine included.

I love my friends.

Angie, Jas, and I made similar promises in the car on the way to Jasmine’s house. We’d be there for each other, no matter what, and we’d all kick ass.

It meant a lot to Jas, I know. Thank goodness for Mark and Morty! I’d wanted to say something like that, but it could’ve come out wrong so easily. Jas was in a much better place, I was sure, but Impostor Syndrome sneaks up on you, and she’d only just started her fight in earnest. It still snuck up on me, and I’d been fighting it for decades.

Friday, January 7, 1983

Jessica caught me before school and let me know to meet her at the benches after school. I did so, finding her waiting. We got the usual attention, which I knew would turn into a round of ‘They’re back together!’ followed by ‘They broke up!’ followed by ‘They were never back together at all!’

Most of the people doing the reporting would know the truth from the start. They’d just enjoy confusing the issue and playing up drama. That suited Jessica’s purposes, so I didn’t mind. It just amused me.

She met me with a hug, then sat on a bench. I sat next to her, not too close and not too far away. I’d been learning the proper distancing.

“So ... how are you, Jess?” I said.

“I’m ... mostly back together. That was more intense than I thought it’d be. I just ... that ... he ... he was so upset at being a little... inconvenienced. And, I mean, the inconvenience was not being able to fuck me by blackmailing me. I just sat there and thought ‘Does he have any idea what he did to me?’ And I finally had to say something.”

“If anything, you let him off easy, in my opinion. He either has no idea how that would affect a girl, or he just doesn’t care at all. Either way ... he deserved it all, and more.”

She cocked her head. “The interesting thing there was that you do have an idea of it, and yet I’m pretty sure you don’t have anyone in your life with firsthand experience or the like. Except for me, but you were completely on the right page before we even started talking.”

“I’ve met a couple of people with ... iffy experiences ... besides you. Probably that’s not a surprise. But, no ... if anything it’s just from reading stories and paying attention, combined with empathy.”

“I find it ... intriguing. But that’s neither here nor there. He pissed me off, I told him off, and ... I feel better for having done it. I don’t want to change all that much, though. It’s better if I stay a rather controlling bitch for the next year and a half. I do feel a bit less ... nervous ... though. Okay, it’s a lot less nervous, but I mean, about anyone else doing something like that. I’m not putting up with much, not anymore.”

“As you shouldn’t.”

She sighed. “Not a peep out of him. No reason to expect one, either. I’d love him to, you know ... phone and say it’s really all over. Except, could I believe him? I don’t think I could.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I certainly wouldn’t.”

“I have to ask. Where’s the tape?”

“Safe deposit box. Inaccessible even to me without going through the bank, so I can’t be forced to hand it over.”

“That’s good. Mine is at home, so I could. I wanted to make sure there was at least one that no one could possibly get to.”

“X?”

She sighed again. “X is ... relieved. She’s also hurting. She wants to bury him, too, but not enough to accept what’ll happen to her if the story comes out.”

“That sucks, and I hate that she’s in that sort of quandary.”

“Me, too.”

“On the other hand, I’m glad she’s got people looking out for her.”

“Yeah.”

“So...?”

She chuckled. “Spring hopefully goes back to being something where my biggest concerns are basketball, next year’s squad, Council, grades, college choices, and other little things.”

“Sounds like me.”

“Nah. You’re just as busy as I am.”

“No one is as busy as you are, Jess. At least, not anyone at Memorial, I’m pretty sure.”

She grinned. “Okay, fine, but you’re almost as busy.”

“I can go with that.”

She hopped up, and I followed suit. Then she hugged me.

“Take care, and ... see you soon.”

“See you soon. Have a great weekend!”

“You, too!”

Saturday, January 8, 1983

Angie and I headed to the HAAUG meeting around eleven. This was a big month: the Apple IIe and the Lisa were both coming out. While all of us ‘insiders’ pretty much knew all about both of them, it was good to see them officially coming out.

The IIe would be a hit, and the Lisa would be a flop, unless this world was very different indeed. Of course, out of the ashes of the Lisa the Mac would rise, and it would greatly affect the future of the computer world, both on its own merit and from ‘the sincerest form of flattery.’

The meeting speaker covered both, so it was worthwhile.

Ang and I only got to speak briefly to Michael. He swung by and said hi, but said he couldn’t hang out because he had somewhere else to be. I got the feeling it was probably related to his newspaper-subscription business. I managed to get in that I thought the Lisa would flop but the IIe looked solid. He agreed, and we chatted a little about them. I figured that would pay dividends when the market followed my prediction.

That made it perfect for me. We stayed on his radar and looked perfectly normal, scored some points, and didn’t risk looking creepy or obsessive or whatever. Angie and I might be out of town in April, but definitely here for HAAUG in February and March. May might work, and might not, as it’d be the weekend we performed ‘The Sound of Music’.