Chapter 48: Revelations

February 16, 1982, Chicago, Illinois

“How was your weekend in Ohio?” Anala asked when we met on Tuesday evening.

“It was good. Bev and I spent a lot of time together, including going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day.”

“And?”

“And Bev told me she knew neither of us was ready to be parents, that I have a choice and she doesn’t. She said she knew that before she asked me to be with her when she had her baby and expected me to tell her I wasn’t ready to take on that kind of responsibility. Right now, she’s planning to go to college and her mom will watch the baby. I’ll do what I can to help and be supportive. Who knows what might happen in a few years?”

“That’s not what I expected.”

“Me either, but I think Bev’s analysis of our situation is correct. I was fairly sure that I was going to tell her in June what she already knew, but I had promised not to make any firm decisions until June, as she asked.”

“And yet you both appear to know. Why not say it earlier?”

“I was doing as Bev asked, which was pretty much how things always went between us.”

“She initiated your first sexual encounter and was basically in control of the relationship, which fits the pattern you’ve described for your other relationships, too. I think there were really only two exceptions.”

“From your perspective? Rachel, for sure. Who’s the other one?”

“Me!” Anala exclaimed.

“Except the shoe is on the other foot, with you daydreaming about how it would feel to have my ‘extra-large lingam’ inside you!”

Anala laughed, “But I’m not pursuing you for sex!”

It was my turn to laugh.

“Sure you are! In fact, it’s not all that different from the situation with Rachel. If I could change my approach to sex and relationships and be dominant, you’d have your soaking-wet panties off in seconds!”

“You’ve certainly become much more confident!”

“But not dominant, right? I mean, not the way you would need me to be to truly enjoy sex and to be fulfilled by the relationship.”

“May I tell you something which I think you’ll find strange?”

“Sure.”

“If you were submissive, there would be a realistic chance to change your behavior. The fact that you are focused on finding an equal partner makes it very, very unlikely for you to become either dominant or submissive.”

“But didn’t you say I let the girls control things? And let Bev take the lead?”

“I think that’s more passive behavior than dominant or submissive. Think about the girls you’ve considered as prospective mates — in each case, you tried to find some middle ground. In a way, religion was a proxy for figuring out if the two of you could be equal partners, with neither having control of the other. You felt, rightly in my estimation, that the issue of church would put the girls in control of the relationship and a future family, with the ultimate trump of faith.”

“Which is why you want someone who practices some form of Eastern spirituality, preferably Hindu.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve used the words, but I’m not really understanding the submissive versus dominant thing. You don’t strike me as someone who wants to be controlled.”

“It depends on the situation. With friends, or at school, I’m the way you see me. With my past boyfriend and my future mate, whoever he is, I want him to be in complete control of me, and exert his will over me. It’s a psychological need, and one that is no more a choice than my heterosexuality. And the fact that it’s foreign to you is exactly why I say it’s not something you could change, even if you wanted to. That’s not to say it can’t happen, but psychological change is often unpredictable and usually not controllable.”

“Rachel.”

“Exactly. The change you needed her to make was to something so fundamental, and so much a part of her psyche, that it was close to impossible, and, as I warned you, a minefield. It was the same with Lily, in that she was the one trying to change you, with the same result. The difference was that you didn’t have as much invested in Lily as Rachel appears to have had in you.”

“I suppose so,” I replied. “I do still feel bad about the situation with Rachel.”

“You feel guilty and want to atone?” Anala asked, then smirked, “Like a good Catholic?”

“Like a human being! I don’t need any religious mumbo jumbo to want to right a wrong I’ve committed. It’s not like being an atheist means I have no sense of right or wrong or don’t feel bad when I’ve harmed someone, even unintentionally.”

“Unintentionally?”

“I didn’t set out to hurt Rachel. It’s one thing to not understand the potential result of your actions; it’s a completely different thing to intentionally set out to harm someone.”

“And yet the results are the same.”

“Just as the results would be the same if a deer ran in front of your car and you hit it or a drunk driver hit your car.”

“Hitting a deer compared to a head-on collision?”

“Have you ever seen a car that hit deer? I have. It was totaled, and the deer came through the windshield. The driver was just as dead as if he’d been hit by a drunk driver.”

“Through the windshield?”

“Yes, City Girl; the front of the car was totaled, and the deer went right through the windshield, hitting the driver and killing him instantly. They can weigh as much as three hundred pounds, or more if they’re fully developed stags. I personally have brought down one that weighed just over two hundred and fifty pounds.”

“Shot?”

“Yes. For venison.”

“You own a gun?”

“Yes, though it’s a Winchester Model 9422.22 rifle. For deer, I’d borrow a Model 88 Winchester .308 from Bev’s dad.”

“You might as well speak Greek to me! I know nothing about guns.”

“Obviously! But I only use them for hunting. I seriously doubt I could ever shoot anyone. That was one of the reasons I had no interest in joining the Marines. They made a pretty good offer for training as a mechanic, but I chose to try this path, which seems better in so many ways.”

“I would agree. Do you have your gun with you?”

“I don’t see too many deer or rabbits in the Loop,” I chuckled.

“There are deer near my parents’ house in the suburbs, and plenty of rabbits, but it’s illegal to fire a gun in town where they live.”

“You do realize that deer have to be culled, or they’ll overpopulate and starve to death, right?”

“I know nothing about deer.”

“Then when civilization breaks down, I’ll trade you food for sex!” I chuckled.

“You are incorrigible!”

“I know,” I grinned.

February 17, 1982, Chicago, Illinois

“Big Red!” Violet declared, sliding a piece of gum across the writing board before class on Wednesday evening.

I unwrapped the gum and put it in my mouth.

“Thanks,” I replied. “What flavor are you chewing?”

“Juicy Fruit.”

I was still pondering the situation, but felt it was best to wait for an opening before trying to get more information from her. I certainly didn’t want to mess up our study time because it was very helpful to have someone to work with. The professor started the lecture, and as usual, I took copious notes, even though most of the material was in the textbook. I found writing things down made it easier to remember them, even if I never looked at the notes.

When class ended, Violet and I headed to the coffee shop to do our homework and review for the exam, which we’d have on Thursday evening. When we finished, I walked her home as had become my usual practice, and after she said ‘good night’, I hurried home, knowing that Bianca would be arriving.

When I walked into my apartment, I saw the light flashing on the answering machine, so after I hung my hat and coat on the rack by the door, I kicked off my shoes and went to the machine to play the message.

I decided I had enough time before Bianca arrived, so I erased the message and called Jeri’s number. She answered almost immediately.

“Waiting by the phone?” I asked.

She laughed, “The extension is right by my bed and I was in bed reading.”

“How does Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday sound?” I asked.

“Like heaven! I take it you have a date on Friday?”

“Most likely, yes.”

“OK. I don’t want to cramp your style! Can’t kill the goose that lays the golden eggs. Or the guy who expertly lays me!”

“The only concern is getting to work on Friday.”

“I can have you driven there, or you can take the South Shore, which is a quick walk.”

“The train would be my choice,” I replied.

“OK. Call me early that week to confirm.”

“Will do!”

We said ‘goodbye’ and I had just hung up when there was a knock at the door. I went to answer it and let Bianca in. We exchanged a soft kiss, and five minutes later, we were in bed.

“How long can we keep doing this?” she asked.

“I didn’t have any specific limit,” I replied. “Did you?”

“No.”

“But I’m pretty sure you had a reason for asking,” I said. “You should just say that.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive. Just tell me what you want.”

“I really like you, love having sex with you, love sleeping with you, and I want to spend more time together. I’d move in with you, if you’d let me.”

“And then what?” I asked.

“I hadn’t thought beyond that because I’m not ready to think that far in advance. I have no idea what would happen. Did I just scare you?”

“No. I’m not scared of a future where I’m married and have kids. In fact, I’m looking forward to it. But I am nowhere near ready to think about it before I achieve some of my goals.”

“Is that a way of saying you like the current situation where you have a bunch of girls who want to fool around with you?”

“I’m not going to deny that I’m having a wonderful time,” I chuckled. “But that’s only part of it. The biggest part is that it’s a lifetime commitment and I don’t know exactly what I want. Knowing I eventually want to marry and have kids is very different from asking a specific girl to marry me and have children. Does that make sense?”

“It does. And I don’t disagree because I’m not certain about what I want in the future, either.”

“So how would you describe the relationship if we did what you asked?”

“I’m not sure. I didn’t really think it through because I wasn’t planning on saying that tonight.”

“I do much better with people being direct. That way there are no misunderstandings and it’s easier to decide what to do.”

“Can we talk after?”

“After?”

Bianca laughed, “You want me to be direct! Can we talk after you fuck me twice!”

“Yes!”

An hour later, sweaty and satisfied, Bianca lay on top of me, crossed her arms, rested her chin on her forearms.

“Maybe we can negotiate,” she said.

“About?”

“How it would work to live together.”

“Not saying I’ll agree, but what did you have in mind?”

“I’m not sure, and I’m just kind of thinking out loud, OK?”

“OK.”

“What if we set a specific time limit? I graduate from college in just over three years, and that seems like about the time I’ll be ready to decide on the future. If I understand what you’ve said about your career path, that lines up, too. Is that right?”

“I think so. If everything goes the way it appears to be going, I’ll get my promotion to supervisor in June, and then it could be anywhere from two to five years to begin working with a broker or trader. But the salary for supervising in the mailroom is more than sufficient to support a family, which would be doubly true if my wife was working. I’m going to guess that working with computers pays pretty well.”

“It does. Would an arrangement like that, where we agreed that we’d only stay together if we both agreed, work for you?”

“Staying together at that point would mean get engaged?” I asked.

“I really did just mean ‘stay together’.”

“But isn’t that no different from dating or living together?” I asked.

“I see what you mean. What I’m trying to say is that you wouldn’t be committing to anything other than living together for three years.”

“So a long-term lease?” I chuckled. “With an option to renew?”

Bianca laughed, “Cute. But if you think about it, it’s about the mentality. Neither of us goes into it with improper expectations.”

“It is an interesting approach. You’re in the dorms now, so when would you have to decide?”

“July 15th is the last day to guarantee a room for the Fall. I don’t think it would change anything for you, right?”

“In terms of choice of apartments? No, I don’t think it would make a difference.”

“So we have until July 15th to decide. Until then, I spend Wednesday nights with you and you keep seeing Allyson, if that’s what you want to do. The same goes for any of the other girls, obviously. I don’t know if you’re seeing anyone else, but I do know Shelly wants to be with you again. I mean, besides the games Allyson has planned for Friday night and Saturday!”

“Care to let me in on the secret?”

Bianca laughed, “If you promise not to tell. She didn’t say not to tell, but she didn’t say I could, either.”

“I promise.”

“She plans to skip right to being naked,” Bianca said with a smirk. “Then the first game is the girls taking turns using their mouths on you for two minutes at a time. At the end of each round, they draw cards, and the two lowest cards drop out, though if a girl makes you cum, she stays in and the person with the third-lowest card goes out. She was pretty sure that you could hold out at least until the second round, because it would be around fifteen minutes. Each round adds a minute, and the one who makes you cum when it’s down to just two girls, gets to have you lick her and fuck her.”

“That’s the first game?” I asked, not believing how my life was turning out.

Bianca laughed, “Yes. The second game is similar, but with dice. The girl rolls for odd numbers, she does stuff, and for even numbers, you do stuff. One and two would be kissing anywhere except the groin; three and four would be oral; five and six would be screwing, with the number determining who was on top. The same thing applies, though only one girl goes out each round, either the lowest card, or the second-lowest, if the one with the lowest made you cum.”

“Damn!” I exclaimed.

“The winner of that is the girl who gets you to cum in the last round, and she gets to spend the night with you and do whatever she wants.”

“Assuming I’m able to do anything!” I chuckled.

“You came more times during the last game than you will in what I described.”

“Somehow I see some serious efforts to get me to cum to be ‘protected’ from being eliminated!”

“A point I’m not sure Allyson considered! Then on Saturday, Allyson made up some notecards with things to do and positions, and the girls will draw them randomly and do whatever is on the card for five minutes. No eliminations, and it ends when you can’t go again.”

“And you’re OK with that?” I asked.

Bianca smiled, “Given I gave you my virginity in front of six girls, and then they all watched when we had sex?”

“Forget I asked,” I chuckled.

“What do you want me to tell Shelly?”

“About?”

“If she can be with you again?”

“If nobody is objecting, then I don’t see any reason not to,” I said.

“There is one more thing about my suggestion that I think will tilt the scales in my favor.”

“What’s that?”

“Until the time limit runs out, I won’t object to you being with any of the girls you’re with on Friday! But there have to be some limits, so only them, not any new girls.”

My life had become truly surreal.

February 18, 1982, Chicago, Illinois

“Big Red!” Violet declared, sliding a piece of gum across the writing board before class on Thursday night.

I unwrapped the gum and put it in my mouth.

“Thanks,” I replied. “What flavor are you chewing?”

“Juicy Fruit. You said you preferred Big Red.”

“I do,” I replied, deciding to be a bit risqué. “Though I wouldn’t object to swapping.”

“Uh-huh,” Violet replied flatly.

“Sorry. I was just trying to be funny, and it backfired, obviously.”

Violet didn’t respond, and I mentally kicked myself for the error in judgment. I couldn’t fix it immediately, and needed to focus on the exam, which covered all the material we’d learned in the first six weeks of class.

The professor handed out the exams, and I did something Anala had advised me to do — read through all the questions before I answered any of them. It made sense, because then I’d have an idea how much time I could budget for each question, and could skip a difficult question or one I was unsure about and come back to it, rather than risk having to rush through easy questions because I had run out of time.

After reading all twenty questions, I was confident I knew the answers to all of them, and proceeded to answer the five ‘fill in the blank’ and five ‘multiple guess’ questions, then work through the ten ‘financial report’ problems. They ranged from finding errors to filling out an empty balance sheet from the provided information. When I finished, I checked my math, then handed in my exam. I wasn’t first, but most students, including Violet, were still working on their exams when I gathered my things and left the room.