Chapter 32: A Promise

December 23, 1981, Chicago, Illinois

I didn’t want to hurt Jeri’s feelings, but I was afraid that no matter what I said to her, I would. I should have taken what Wendy had said about Jeri being smitten as a hint of what was going to happen, but I’d missed it because I was still clueless in many ways.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” I said.

“You mean because I’m fifteen?”

“Yes.”

“Remember what I said about the rules being different for the very rich? Nothing bad would ever happen.”

“I believe you, but that would be a big risk for me to take. Jeri, I like you, but...”

“But what?”

“I think it’s best if we’re just friends, at least for now,” I said, trying to let her down softly.

“I’m sorry,” Jeri said, sounding sad. “I just thought ... well, I hoped you wanted me.”

“You’re a sweet girl,” I replied.

“Woman,” she corrected.

“I meant no insult,” I replied. “Just that you’re four years younger than I am.”

“So what? Four years is nothing! Would you kiss me?”

I knew exactly where that would lead — a kiss would lead to a request for a second kiss, and so on, until I was exactly where she wanted me to be. I realized that Jeri was every bit as manipulative as Lisa, she was just sweeter in how she went about it. I’d always heard that rich people got what they wanted, and were never denied, but in this case, I was going to deny her. I had to stick to my guns because, in the end, I was the one taking the big risk because she was underage.

“I like you, Jeri, but that’s not a good idea.”

She sighed deeply and opened the car door.

“Good night. Have a Merry Christmas.”

“Good night,” I replied. “Have a Merry Christmas. And I would like to be your friend.”

She didn’t respond, except by closing the car door. I waited until she was in the house before I pulled away and headed back to my apartment, where I parked the car on the street, so as not to block the driveway, as Lily’s parents were out for their usual Wednesday date. I walked along the sidewalk to the driveway, then to the staircase. When I reached the small porch I saw a note taped to the door.

I turned and went back down the stairs and to the back door of the house. I knocked and Lily opened the door almost immediately.

“Hi! I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas,” she said.

“Thanks. Merry Christmas to you, too.”

“Would you like some hot cocoa? I was just about to make some.”

“What about your parents?”

“If they were home, I’d make some for them, too!” she replied with a silly smile.

“That’s not quite what I meant.”

“They’ll find us sitting at the kitchen table with mugs of cocoa,” she replied.

That did seem safe enough, so I accepted.

“Sure,” I replied. “I’d like that.”

She let me into the house and I sat at the kitchen table while she warmed the milk.

“I spoke to my priest on Sunday and he confirmed what I thought. He’d like to talk to you, though I told him I didn’t think you would.”

“To convert me?” I asked. “If so, all we would do is frustrate each other, because he’s not going to agree with me and I’m not going to agree with him.”

“That’s basically what I told him.”

“About the only way I’d even consider it, is if he could offer some actual concrete proof, which I don’t believe is possible.”

“It’s about faith, not proof.”

“And that’s fine for you, Lily,” I replied gently. “But I only believe things which can be tested and proved. I believe gravity exists because I can see the effects of it at every turn, and do experiments to prove it, even if I can’t see it. I can’t see your god, so what proof can anyone offer?”

“The witness of the Apostles, recorded in the Gospels.”

“Which is different from the story the Muslims tell, and the story the Hindus tell, and the story that the Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, and Norse told. I find the stories of Zeus and Thor much more interesting.”

“You give them equal weight?”

“To me, they’re all fairy tales.”

“What about when you die?”

I shrugged, “I think you are born, you live, you die, and that’s it. I’m no philosopher, but I know everyone eventually dies, and nobody can prove there is anything after death. That means I have to live my life as if it’s the only one I have. I can’t give you a fully-developed philosophy, and I’m sure someone who had studied could poke holes in my thinking, but in the end, what they can’t do is prove that there is a god or an afterlife.”

“That seems so, well, fatalistic, I guess.”

“And I’m pretty sure that’s why the stories are told — to give an answer to an unanswerable question and to take away some of the pain of death for the people still alive.”

“But doesn’t that bother you?”

“Not really,” I replied. “Because there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it! I suppose I could live by some random code of moral behavior in the hope that it might lead to heaven or whatever, but what if there is no such place? Then I’ve missed out on living life to the fullest in exchange for nothing.”

“But what if it’s right and you go to hell?”

“If the Christian story happens to be true, I’ll apologize to God and ask forgiveness for being clueless. If I understand the stories, that’s all it takes right? Being sorry and confessing?”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

I managed not to laugh at that.

“Because then it would take away all the power of the guys in fancy robes to get money and to control people’s lives? I mean, why would I bother going into some little box and telling some random guy in robes my sins if I could just tell them directly to god? It makes NO sense, except as a way to control people. The priest knows everyone’s secrets and could basically blackmail them for donations!”

“You really believe that?!” Lily gasped.

I shrugged, “I’ve heard stories, especially about the church my mom was attending when she got pregnant. It wasn’t the same as yours, but they had the same moral rules. She broke one and they kicked her out. How would your priest respond to you if you told him you broke the rules?”

“Please don’t be angry, but I went to confession after we broke up and confessed I’d had sex.”

That boggled my mind, because she wanted to have sex, and had told me she was happy. Now she was basically saying she regretted it. And THAT was my major concern about Rachel.

“I’m not angry,” I replied gently. “But you basically just told me that you think going to bed together was wrong, and that you regret it. I mean, if your confession was ‘perfect’, or whatever. Do you regret it?”

“I, uhm, don’t know,” Lily said, sounding defeated.

“I certainly don’t,” I replied. “Well, except if you regret it, then I guess it was a mistake.”

“I’m confused,” Lily admitted. “I believe, but I want ... well, no, never mind.”

She finished making the cocoa and handed me a mug full of steaming liquid, then continued speaking.

“I’ve thought about it since we broke up, and as much as I like you, I can’t not believe in God. And you’ll never believe in God, and you can’t make the promises the Church would require you to make.”

“That basically sums it up,” I replied. “I’m sorry if you feel I led you on or misled you.”

“You didn’t,” Lily sighed. “You made it clear from the beginning that you didn’t believe. I just thought you might like me enough to overcome it.”

“And I thought the same way about you. That’s probably the source of our problems.”

“I think you’re probably right.”

We finished our cocoa, I said ‘good night’ and went up to my apartment where I undressed, brushed my teeth, and got into bed.

December 24, 1981, Goshen, Ohio

“Hi, Mom!” I called out when I let myself into the house.

“Hi, Jonathan!” she exclaimed, jumping up from the couch to greet me with a hug.

“Hi!” Bev said.

“Hi! I didn’t expect you to be here!”

“Your mom invited me. She was sure you’d want to see me.”

“I do! I was just surprised.”

She came to me and we hugged, then I excused myself to use the bathroom, and put my bag in my room.

“Do you need something to eat or drink?” Mom asked.

“No,” I replied. “I drove through Wendy’s just north of Indianapolis.”

“Then I’m going to go to my room and read, so you kids can have some privacy. We’ll have plenty of time to talk tomorrow, Jonathan.”

“Night, Mom,” I said.

“Night. Bev can stay as long as she likes.”

“Thanks.”

Mom left and Bev and I sat down on the couch, close, but not too close. I took her hand in mine and she smiled.

“So, how are things?” I asked.

“Nobody knows yet,” Bev said. “Well, except my parents and your mom, though I doubt I can keep it a secret much longer.”

“And Bob.”

“Yeah, sorry, him too. Dad talked to a lawyer and as soon as the baby is born, he’ll file for child support.”

“What happens if Bob has no income?” I asked.

“There’s a program where the state gives me the award, and he’s in debt to the state to pay it back. Once he gets a job, he has to pay me, and repay the money to Ohio.”

“Are you still planning on going to college?”

“Yes. Mom said she’ll watch the baby while I’m in class. Dad’s paying for UofC, which he was planning to do before I got in the family way.”

“How do you feel?” I asked

Bev smirked, “Of all the people on the planet, you’re the one who should know how I feel!’

“Soft in all the right places,” I replied. “But you know I meant emotionally.”

“Heck if I know,” Bev sighed. “Some days it seems like it’s not real, you know? I mean, other than not having my period and a brief bout of morning sickness, there are no signs. That’ll change and I guess that’s when it’ll really start to sink in.”

“How can I help?”

“Just be my friend, the way you always have.”

“I can do that.”

“May I make a confession?”

“Do I look like a priest?” I groaned, shaking my head.

“Something tells me there’s a story there. Want to tell me?”

“I figured I’d end up telling you everything,” I replied. “Just like when we were growing up.”

“I made a big mistake,” Bev sighed. “And I’m not talking about getting pregnant, though that was a pretty big mistake.”

“You’re still Bev, my best friend, and that won’t change because you’re pregnant or because you’ll have a baby.”

Bev smiled wanly, “And you just proved my point about my mistake. I was selfish and that’s what led to me being pregnant.”

“Selfish? How so?”

“I knew you were going to move away from the time we were in sixth grade, and I resolved never to get involved with you because of that. Then, we had that very special wrestling match when I turned sixteen. But, in my mind, I never considered you my boyfriend because you were leaving, and I didn’t want to be in a long-distance relationship with someone who would never come back. Well, not never, but never for more than a few days at a time. If I could have seen past that, well ... I never would have gone out with Bob.”

“You think we should have been a couple?” I asked.

“We did a lot of coupling!” Bev giggled. “Sorry, but we were basically a couple, even if neither of us acknowledged it. Well, until I went out with Bob. You never dated anyone, not even once, before you moved away.”

“True.”

“And you have a girlfriend now, right?”

“We broke up last week,” I replied. “Our views on religion are incompatible.”

“I’ve known that you’re an atheist for as long as I’ve known what that word means. I’m guessing she was religious?”

“Enough that it created friction and it would have created much more friction as time went on.”

“You mean if you wanted to marry?”

“Yes. The details don’t really matter all that much, but I don’t think we could ever have been able to get past it.”

“Can I ask a personal question?”

“I’m an open book for you!”

“How many?”

“Girls? Seven. Including a threesome!”

“Oh, you did not!” Bev laughed. “That’s so totally not your style! If we hadn’t fooled around, you’d have still been a virgin when you moved to Chicago!”

I nodded, “That last bit is true for sure, but I really did have a wild and crazy threesome last Monday night.”

“So you move to Chicago and suddenly you’re a stud?!”

“Don’t ask me what happened! I mean, suddenly, girls are coming out of the woodwork wanting to sleep with me. I have no clue why!”

Bev smirked, “Well, unless you’re advertising your impressive length and girth, I’m at a loss. It’s not your winning personality, that’s for sure!”

“Now that’s low!” I chuckled. “Even from you! Sadly, you’re right about how I was when I was living at home. But I have a good friend who is helping me develop and grow.”

“Guy or girl?”

“Girl. But we’re not involved, to answer your next question. And I have some guy friends, too, who I hang out with, though they’re both firemen, so their schedules are whack.”

“So work is going well, you’re getting laid a lot, and you’ve made some friends. Not bad for just shy of seven months.”

“Thanks.”

“Your mom said you’re up for promotion next year?”

“Yes. It’s basically a lock, so long as I work hard.”

“That’s one thing I’m sure you will do. You worked hard at your jobs here. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks.”

Bev was quiet for a moment, then squeezed my hand.

“I can stay over, if you want.”

I’d had a strong feeling after discussing it with Anala that Bev would ask that question at some point while I was home, I just didn’t expect it tonight, nor did I expect her to offer to sleep in my bed.

“I don’t think my mom would be OK with that, and I’m sure your dad would be VERY unhappy.”

“You might be surprised by both of them,” Bev said with a sly smile.

“I can see my mom, maybe, but your dad?”

“You know your mom knew like the next day, or possibly the day after that, right?”

“She told me recently. You knew she knew?”

“Yes. She wanted to make sure I didn’t end up the way she did. You and I only didn’t use rubbers that first night, and we were lucky. But stopping to get rubbers, or even buying them in advance, would have ruined things.”

“Not that I had a clue that you wanted to have sex until that night! I mean, we played doctor, but it was all very much discovering how our bodies were different, not about sex.”

“We were six, but it WAS about sex, just not in the way we think of it now. It’s a normal part of growing up and sexual development, at least according to a book I read once I got pregnant.”

“How did that happen?”

Bev smirked, “His penis in my vagina, moving until he ejaculated, and a sperm found an egg!”

“I may not understand women, but I’m not completely clueless!”

“Sorry. Sometimes it’s just easier to be flippant. We were careless just one time. You’re being careful with your newfound bounty, right?”

“I am. So you think my mom would be fine if you slept in my bed with me tonight?”

Bev smirked, “She’d be fine if we screwed in your bed tonight!”

“Bev, be serious, please.”

She took a deep breath, let it out, then tears began rolling down her cheek. I scooted over and put my arm around her, and she put her head on my shoulder.

“Sorry,” I said.

“It’s just overwhelming,” Bev sobbed. “I’m scared and confused. I’m eighteen and pregnant and the baby’s asshole father is being, well, an asshole.”

“Bev Newton! I have never heard you swear in your entire life!”

“Hormones,” she said apologetically, sniffling. “But it’s also true.”

I reached over to the end table and grabbed some tissues from the box my mom kept there and handed them to Bev who blew her nose and dabbed her cheeks and eyes.

“Did he treat you OK before the baby?”

“Enough, I guess. I mean, he’s a jock and a star football player, so he has that attitude, but he didn’t treat me badly. And I don’t think he was two-timing me or anything. I guess it’s difficult to compare, because you and I were friends from the time we were toddlers, so it was just different. And you and Bob are the only boyfriends I’ve ever had.”

“Speaking of things I never heard you say before...”

“It’s true, isn’t it? We were basically joined at the hip until we figured out it was WAY more interesting to join another way! As I said earlier, I think we were a couple even if we didn’t actually say it.”

“You’ve obviously talked to my mom,” I said.

“I did that before you moved away! I could talk to her about stuff I couldn’t really talk to my parents about.”

“Like having sex with me?”

Bev laughed softly, “Yes. I’m sorry if that bothers you.”

“I always had a good relationship with my mom, and with the exception of you and me having sex, we talked about everything, so, no, it doesn’t bother me. What did she say about us that leads you to believe she’d be OK with us sleeping together?”

“She said we were adults who had to find our own way, and that she would never interfere.”

“That does sound like Mom,” I replied. “An attitude born from hard experience.”

“How much do you know about your dad?”

“Pretty much everything Mom knows, I think. I mean we even had an awkward conversation about her thinking when she decided to go to bed with him.”

“Yeah,” Bev replied, laughing softly. “Probably not the conversation a teenage boy wants to have with his mom!”

“And your dad?”

“He always hoped we’d get married. He said you were a good, hard-working young man who would make an excellent husband and father. And I know you know he was sure that your ambition would pay off because you were honest and ethical, as well as a hard worker. He said anyone in your position who didn’t complain but worked hard to improve his life was the kind of man he respected. His opinion hasn’t changed.”

“Does he know we were having sex?”

“Mom told him after I got pregnant. I wasn’t happy she revealed it, but he was ranting about Bob and about me having sex with him, and mom slipped up and said that he wouldn’t have said the same things about you. She said he was upset at first, but eventually decided that it made sense, especially given he expected us to marry. He never knew we weren’t officially a couple because he didn’t need to know, and, honestly, nothing changed except that we started sleeping together.”