Chapter 30: An Inescapable Conclusion

December 14, 1981, Chicago, Illinois

After dinner on Monday evening, I went to the back door of the house and knocked. Lily came to the door, and after she put on her Winter coat, hat, and gloves, we began walking hand-in-hand.

Once we were on Halsted, some distance from the house, I asked, “So now what?”

“I honestly don’t know what to say or do,” Lily replied. “If Mom or Dad find out that I even mentioned Costas to you, I’ll be in huge trouble and I have no idea what they might do.”

“As in kick me out?” I asked.

“Dad came completely unglued when he found out Costas was gay, and as I said, kicked him out and prohibited him from even being mentioned. My dad even went so far as to change his will.”

“Damn,” I replied. “That’s harsh. When did this happen?”

“About six months before you moved in. Costas was actually living in the apartment while he was in college.”

“Where is he attending?”

“IIT, for mechanical engineering. He moved in with his, well, boyfriend, I guess you’d call it. They have a place in Pilsen.”

“Have you seen your brother since that happened?”

“Just one time, when I ran into him by pure chance. Dad would lose his mind if he found out I planned to see him; heck, even if he found out I spoke to Costas for five minutes. I miss him, but I can’t really do anything about it.”

That kind of reaction just made no sense to me. I knew Christians had a huge problem with sex outside of marriage from my mom’s experience, and with homosexuality, but to do that to your own kid? I could never do that, no matter what. It was what my grandparents had done, and I could never, ever, be like them.

“When I was little,” I said, “my mom read Bible stories to me. I guess she felt I should hear them, but they never led me to believe in God. One I remember, besides the Great Flood, was about the Good Samaritan. The lesson was about loving your neighbor, no matter who he was. I guess I can’t reconcile that with how your parents behaved.”

“It’s considered a grave sin.”

“Like what we’re doing? I know my mom’s former church blew a gasket when she turned up pregnant. As did my grandparents.”

“Dad would be really upset if he knew we were doing that.”

“Because he’s a typical dad? Or because of church?”

“Both, I think. How did Bev’s parents act?”

“Her mom was pretty much OK with it, so long as we were using birth control. Her dad didn’t know at the time, and would have been upset if he found out, but he’d have talked to me man-to-man and I believe we’d have worked it out”

“Marriage?”

“He’d probably have suggested it, but the circumstances were such that it would have basically been impossible because she still had a year of High School and the only decent job prospect I had was here in Chicago. Well, decent as in a way to earn a good living to support a family, buy a house, and help my mom. I’m actually not sure why he didn’t say anything when he realized what we were doing, though it’s possible he never figured it out. Has your dad said anything about me not going to church?”

“No, but, and I don’t want to sound like I have this planned out, but if we were to get married, then so long as a priest married us, he’d accept it. Well, and so long as we promised to have our kids baptized.”

“And living together beforehand?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” Lily sighed. “But you were OK with that plan, I mean, the church wedding and baptizing the kids. Catholics can marry non-Catholics basically on those terms — agree to have the kids baptized and raised Catholic.”

That was fine, but her dad’s attitude would mean walking on eggshells to avoid him having a bad reaction. And worse, it would seriously limit our options unless Lily was willing to effectively write off her parents, something I wasn’t sure she could do. The current situation was a hint of things to come, and I didn’t like it one bit. A future of trying to avoid whatever landmines her dad or the church planted wasn’t attractive at all.

It was one thing to keep the fact that we were sleeping together from him, while having a public relationship; it was a whole different thing to contemplate hiding that fact until we got married, especially as it would mean Lily could never sleep over. It wasn’t about having sex, as that could be done in any private place at any time. No, it was about her dad basically controlling the terms of our relationship even after she graduated from High School, and that wasn’t something I could accept.

The bottom line, as I thought about it, was that religion was a major sticking point for me. I thought back to how my mom had been treated, and the last thing I wanted to do was be anywhere near people who would behave the way my grandparents had done, or who took church seriously enough to wreck their own families. I’d mostly not associated with religious people back home, and in the six months I’d been in Chicago, I’d had more than enough interactions with religious people than I’d ever wanted to have.

“OK with it? Yes, though the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that is the extreme limit of my ability to compromise. I won’t convert, but I also won’t stand for any behavior like your parents’, and I won’t remain silent if I find out my kids are being taught to hate that way by anyone, priest, parent, teacher, or anyone. I’m assuming I’d have to speak to some priest before we married?”

“Yes, I’m sure Father Leary would want to speak with you.”

“I can see a million ways that could go badly,” I replied. “I won’t lie to him about thinking he’s peddling fairy tales or on my rejection of the very idea of sin.”

“Uhm, were you baptized as a baby?”

I shook my head, “No. My mom’s former church didn’t do that, and I doubt she even considered the idea. It’s not something I would even contemplate.”

Lily frowned, “I think that might be necessary. I think otherwise I’d have to get permission from the Archbishop of Chicago, Cardinal Cody.”

“You need permission?” I asked.

“I’m pretty sure, yes. I don’t remember all the details, but the example they gave was marrying someone who was Jewish, but not practicing. They either had to agree to be baptized or the bishop had to give permission.”

I wondered if Rachel knew that, and suspected she did, as her family was far more devout than Lily’s, And that made me wonder about Rachel’s intent, and how she saw the future. And it made me wonder about her offer, and her insistence that there were no conditions on her offer. The problem there was that she might change her mind, and that would put me into the exact same position I now found myself with Lily.

“I simply do not see how that could turn out well,” I said. “I’m going to bet that one of the conditions for marriage isn’t just raising the kids Catholic, but not interfering or trying to teach them things of which the Catholic Church doesn’t approve, such as birth control or abortion.”

“You’re OK with abortion?!” Lily asked, shocked.

“It’s none of my damned business,” I said firmly. “And it sure isn’t the business of a church to tell every woman in the country they can’t have one. Or that they can’t use birth control. Can I ask something about Costas?”

“Sure,” Lily replied warily.

“How did your priest respond to what happened with your brother?”

“The priest spoke to him, tried to get him to renounce his lifestyle and go to confession.”

“And people wonder why I have a problem with organized religion?!” I replied, shaking my head. “If some god is THAT interested in my sex life, then they have WAY too much free time on their hands, which ought to be spent solving poverty or stopping wars or whatever! It just seems that we’re heading for a direct conflict between me and your church, and I don’t see any way to avoid it.”

“What do you want to do?” she asked apprehensively.

I honestly didn’t see any way for our relationship to continue, at least not in any way that might lead to being together long-term, unless she gave up on her church, which I didn’t feel was a real possibility. The only thing to do was lay out what I felt were my non-negotiable points and see what happened. The apprehension in Lily’s voice made it relatively clear that she understood that.

“I think it’s up to you,” I replied. “I’m not going to stop being friends with Dustin, I’m not going to convert, and I’m not going to refrain from contradicting Catholic teachings. To do any of those would go against who I am and who I want to be.”

“It’s you or my church, isn’t it?” she asked quietly, a hitch in her voice.

“Unless you can come up with some kind of solution that won’t create endless conflict in the future, I don’t see any other way. I don’t see you becoming an atheist.”

“No,” she said quietly. “I could never do that.”

Her hand slipped from mine, and I knew, right then, our relationship was over.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

Without a word, we turned back to head for her house. When we reached the driveway, she stopped.

“You never lied to me, Jonathan,” she said, sounding very sad. “I just hoped somehow it could work out.”

“What are you going to tell your parents?”

“That we talked about church and that you’re an atheist. Dad will accept that and be happy I broke up with you.”

“You’re going to take the blame?”

“I don’t think it would be right for you to be kicked out of the apartment.”

“Thank you.”

“I should go in.”

I nodded, “Good night.”

December 15, 1981, Chicago, Illinois

“I think you see my point about us being incompatible,” Anala said after the waitress brought her tea and brought me coffee.

“As a couple? Yes. As lovers? Well...” I smirked.

Anala laughed softly, “You don’t give up easily!”

“I’m teasing, actually, because as I agreed before, I’d rather have you as a long-term friend than have you as a lover.”

“A very mature decision for a red-blooded American teenager!”

“An easy decision when the girl says ‘never’!” I countered.

“I did shut you down pretty hard, but I think that was for the best.”

“Is this where I say that you don’t know what you’re missing?” I asked with a silly smile.

“You could, and then I could dump this cup of tea in your lap!” Anala replied lightly, clearly teasing. “May I make a serious point?”

“Sure.”

“There is no sex good enough to ruin a friendship. If you ever take that step with a girl who is ‘just a friend’, be absolutely sure you’re prepared for the friendship to end, because it often will.”

“It didn’t with Bev.”

“But it changed your friendship, didn’t it?”

“Yes, of course, but not negatively. Bev being pregnant, though, certainly did.”

“May I ask a curiosity question?” Anala inquired.

“Yes.”

“Is she ‘damaged goods’ in your mind?”

“I don’t see how I could think that about her given the circumstances of my existence.”

“People often hold contradictory ideas.”

“Not in this case,” I said firmly. “Bev made a mistake, but that doesn’t change who she is, nor how I feel about her.”

“Could you see yourself married to her? And raising her baby together, as your child?”

“I hadn’t really thought about that,” I admitted. “But I think that’s a question for her, not for me.”

“I think you might discover she has a better appreciation for you now than she did before. You said her boyfriend basically abandoned her, right?”

“Yes. He offered money for an abortion, and broke up with her when she refused. She’s entitled to child support, though, and I’m sure her dad will insist.”

“You’re going to see her when you go home, right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Be prepared for her to have a somewhat different opinion of a potential future with you. You need to think it through because you no longer have a first line of defense.”

“Lily?”

“Yes. If you were still a couple, your own ethical system would not allow you to act, at least not hastily, and I doubt you would break up with Lily over the phone.”

“That would be almost as low as cheating on her; well, OK, not that bad, but I think you get my point.”

“I do. May I strongly suggest you tread very carefully and consider the consequences of any actions you might take.”

“She’s pregnant,” I protested.

Anala laughed, this time much louder than before.

“As if THAT somehow causes her yoni to seal itself shut?!” she asked mirthfully.

“Well, no,” I admitted sheepishly. “But the idea ... never mind. I’m just being a clueless nineteen-year-old!”

“Because you ARE, in many ways, a clueless nineteen-year-old! But that’s typical, and the difference is, you’ve sought out mentors to help you.”

“You?” I asked.

“For one, but also your uncle, your boss, and the money manager. I suppose what I’m saying can be summed up in don’t let your hormones make your decisions for you, nor should you allow your concern for your friend to lead you someplace you aren’t prepared to go.”

“That’s good advice,” I replied. “But it was those same hormones that led me to you!”

Anala laughed softly once again, “Yes that’s certainly true! So, what’s next for you?”

“Same as before — work hard, start school in January, hang out with my friends, and do everything I can to succeed. Plus help my mom as best I can.”

“You don’t seem too upset about Lily.”

“I’m bummed, but the future she offered isn’t attractive. And I suppose I’m a bit cold-hearted, too.”

“Men tend to keep their emotions in check, and they also tend to have less invested in what amounts to a High School or college romance. How is Lily?”

“Upset, I’m sure. But asking me to tell you about a woman’s feelings is like asking me to tell you how to fly a plane! Both will end in disaster!”

“You are not the first person to be confused when trying to understand the opposite sex. To do so takes great effort. I would wager that you and Bev understood each other very, very well, and that you could predict her feelings on just about any topic with some level of confidence.”

“True,” I replied. “Though I was totally surprised when a wrestling match led to a kiss, then basically ripping each other’s clothes off, and well, you can imagine the rest!”

Anala smiled and nodded, “Yes, I can. Are you able, in hindsight, to see how you got there?”

“Because we were so close growing up, I would guess.”

“And it was the next logical step. What would have happened had you stayed in Ohio?”

“I have no idea, because I’m pretty sure Bev was seeing the football player before I left.”

“But she knew you were going to leave, right?”

“It was no secret from the time I was thirteen or fourteen.”

“Think about that for a moment.”

I did, and a light bulb turned on in my brain.

“She thought that might convince me to stay,” I said thoughtfully.

“Maybe not consciously,” Anala replied. “But very possibly subconsciously.”

“And when it didn’t, and I received the offer from my uncle, she started seeing the other guy. It makes sense.”

“You don’t seem offended that she was seeing someone else.”

“Because I thought it was just two horny teenagers doing what horny teenagers do. I feel like I missed something.”

“You probably did, but that’s typical of teenagers. The thing is, now that you have more insight into your relationship, you can navigate without running aground.”

“I’m not sure I’m clued in enough to avoid every rock or sand bar or whatever.”

“No, but you have your eyes open, and that’s the first step towards understanding how to act.”

“I appreciate the advice and guidance,” I said. “I owe you.”

“Pay me back by doing the same thing for someone else in the future.”

“I can think of a more interesting way,” I teased.

“You’re that good?” Anala asked mirthfully.

“There’s only one way to find out!”

“You’re incorrigible!”

I laughed, we finished our drinks, and then I headed back to my apartment.

December 16, 1981, Chicago, Illinois

On Wednesday morning, when I got up, I made myself breakfast, ate, showered, and dressed. As I picked up my pocket notebook, a slip of paper fell out. I picked it up and saw that it was the nursing student, Nickie’s, phone number. I’d been mildly interested, but Lily and I had been together, so I hadn’t thought any more about her.

I contemplated calling her, but decided it was better to not get involved with someone right away. The counter-argument was, of course, that I was absolutely sure she’d be fun in bed, and I’d become used to somewhat regular sex, even if it was just once a week. It would have to wait, anyway, because I was going to be extremely busy the next few days because of the Spurgeon Capital Christmas party.

The morning at work was crazy, as always, and at lunch, I felt I had to get out of the office, so I went downstairs and joined Rachel for lunch.

“I missed you the last couple of days,” she said.

“It’s insane upstairs,” I said. “That’s all. Today I just had to get out of the madhouse, even for thirty minutes.”

“I was afraid I’d upset you by telling you how I felt, especially because you have a girlfriend.”

I didn’t have one now, though, and I wasn’t sure if I should admit that to Rachel now, or wait to tell her. I decided, in the end, that honesty was, indeed, the best policy.

“Lily and I broke up,” I replied.

“What happened? I mean, if it’s OK to ask.”

“Honestly? The exact same problem you and I would have — a Catholic marrying an atheist seems to be a big problem.”