Chapter 21: Not liking the truth doesn’t make it NOT the truth.

October 18, 1981, Chicago, Illinois

On Sunday, Lily arrived home from church at 10:30am, and we left immediately to head to Tom’s house to watch football and hang out with my friends. To my surprise, Teresa arrived with Maria, and unsurprisingly, Stuart had a different well-endowed girl, this time a redhead named Kelly. I introduced Lily to everyone and was mildly amused as she and Teresa basically sized each other up.

The two games being shown were San Francisco at Green Bay followed by the New York Giants at Seattle. The Bears were playing at Detroit on Monday night, and I’d miss the game because I didn’t have a TV and really didn’t have the time to go out to watch the game. Tom had the usual food, snacks, and drinks, and we had a great time, but the most interesting thing that happened was after Lily had excused herself to use the washroom.

“She’s really nice,” Teresa said. “I know it might sound weird, but I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks. I really enjoy your company, and I’m glad you decided to show up today.”

“I promised no drama! And Lily doesn’t seem like she’s catty about you and me.”

“She’s not. She knew what was going on because she saw you leave after you spent the night. Obviously, she’d object now.”

“As would ANY girl!” Maria interjected. “Guys like Tom or Jonathan are difficult to find.”

“And guys hung like Stuart are even MORE difficult to find!” Kelly smirked.

Tom, Dustin, and I all groaned, and Maria tossed a throw pillow from the couch at Stuart.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Teresa said, winking at me.

“Please, don’t,” I requested quietly but firmly.

“Sorry,” Teresa replied. “But SOMEBODY has to point out to Stuart that he’s not God’s gift to women!”

“Says you!” Kelly giggled.

“Jonathan is right,” Tom said firmly. “Please don’t upset his girlfriend.”

Kelly seemed to me to be a flirt and troublemaker, which in the right circumstances, would be OK. But I wasn’t sure how Lily would take that kind of public teasing, and having only been her boyfriend for five days, I didn’t want to push the edge of the envelope. Fortunately, everyone cooperated, and while there was some joking and kidding around, it wasn’t about sex. When the second game finished, Lily and I left to head back home.

“Your friends are totally cool, even your ex-, well, your friend who you fooled around with.”

“They’re all pretty cool,” I replied.

“What’s with Dustin? No girlfriend?”

“No,” I replied, remembering to keep his private life private.

“Maybe he and Teresa can get together; they’d actually make a cute couple.”

I shrugged, “They knew each other before Teresa and I started dating, but never got together.”

“The guys are all about two years older than you are, right?”

“Yes.”

“When do they become actual firemen?”

“For Stuart, around the first of the year; Tom has to take the paramedic course after the firefighting course. He’ll be a fireman, but won’t be assigned to a fire company until he completes his paramedic training. Stuart will start as soon as the firefighting course ends.”

“I hear they have crazy schedules.”

“They do. Oh, and speaking of Tom, he and Maria are getting hitched next Summer. I’m a groomsman. Care to be my date?”

“Sure! Do you know what day?”

“It’s in June, but not the specific day. Tom said they’d know soon, because I guess they have to reserve the church and a place to have a reception.”

“June is pretty popular, so they might not be able to get a date. Do you know what church?”

“St. Ambrose.”

“I take it that’s Maria’s church?”

“Yes. Tom is Catholic, but doesn’t go to church. Maria and Teresa both go, though Teresa less than Maria. I don’t think Maria goes every Sunday like you do, but close.”

“She’s obviously not the friend you were talking about!”

I chuckled, “No, she’s not. It’s a girl at work, and she’s very devout. And you know my take.”

Lily smiled and nodded, “You won’t get caught dead in a church!”

“That’s not QUITE true. I mean, and I’m talking hypothetically, if you and I were to get married, I wouldn’t have a problem with getting married in your church, but I wouldn’t want to go to church with you on Sundays.”

“Continuing your hypothetical, would you compromise? You know, go with me on Easter and Christmas? I’m not talking about you joining or anything, just spending an hour in church a couple of times a year?”

“I could probably handle that,” I replied. “And our hypothetical kids?”

“I’d expect to have them baptized and confirmed, and go to church with me, but once they were teenagers, I’d leave it up to them.”

“And my atheism?”

She shrugged, “If you can tolerate my Catholicism, I can tolerate your atheism! You’ve never been a jerk about it.”

Oh, I had, just not to Lily. Whatever else happened with Rachel, I’d learned some valuable lessons in how to approach the topic. The difference between the two girls, at least in my mind, was that Lily was reasonable where Rachel seemed a bit fanatical.

“Thanks. You know it might cause conflicts, right? I mean, our hypothetical kids hearing something different from me than they do from you?”

“I don’t know. I think we could find a happy medium. I mean, not that you would have to keep your opinion to yourself, just that you wouldn’t be obnoxious about it. But we are getting WAY ahead of ourselves!”

“Are we?” I asked. “We’re steady and we made love. I know you’re my first real girlfriend, but being steady and having sex makes it pretty serious, at least for me.”

“Me, too! I wasn’t going to give it up to just anyone, and I know you meant it when you asked me to go steady.”

“I figured it was better to make that clear before we did what we both obviously wanted to do!”

Lily giggled, “Not bad for a rookie boyfriend!”

“I guarantee I’m going to screw up in some way, but one way I will NOT screw up is understanding what ‘steady’ means.”

“Then we’re good! Low maintenance means not sweating little things. Most girls would have freaked out about Teresa being there today. I think she’s a nice girl and I can see why you like spending time with her. Why not ask her?”

“She didn’t want to be tied down,” I replied. “She made that clear from the start.”

“That sounds like the guys from the boys’ school — wanting girls to put out without having to make ANY commitments. I mean, I didn’t need a diamond ring, obviously, but my boyfriend can’t have other girlfriends.”

“Eminently reasonable!” I declared.

We arrived back at the house and I walked Lily to the door.

“Wednesday night?” she asked.

“I’m looking forward to it!”

“Me, too!”

We exchanged a soft kiss, but refrained from making it TOO sexy, lest her parents were watching. I said ‘good night’, she went inside, and I went up to my apartment. I got a Coke from the fridge and took out my regulation study guide. Just as I sat down, I remembered that Anala had asked me to call her, so I got up, got my address book, and dialed her number.

“Hi, Anala; it’s Jonathan,” I said when she answered.

“Hi. I was hoping you would call.”

“What’s up?”

“You live close, right?”

“I think so, yes. You’re in Bridgeport and I’m in University Village. Why?”

“If you aren’t busy, would you meet me for coffee at David’s? The diner, not the Governor’s Table.”

“Like right now?” I asked.

“Yes. It’s much better to talk face-to-face, if possible.”

“Is this about Gudia?”

“Yes, but not just that. Remember, you and I are friends, too.”

I thought about studying, but ultimately, I wasn’t going to be taking a license exam for three years, most likely, so skipping one night of studying wouldn’t kill me, so long as I didn’t make a habit of it.

“Sure. I can meet you there in twenty minutes.”

“Great! See you there!”

We said ‘goodbye’ and I hung up. I brushed my teeth, emptied my bladder, then put on a windbreaker and my baseball cap and left the apartment. I got my bike from the garage, then headed south towards the diner. As I pedaled, I thought about what I could say to Anala about Gudia, and as I chained my bike to a lamp post, I decided that simply stating the truth clearly was the best approach. I didn’t want to show that I had any wiggle room with regard to Lily, because I didn’t.

After locking my bike I went into the diner and saw Anala sitting in a booth. I let the hostess know I was meeting someone she allowed me to simply go to the booth where Anala was sitting. A waitress came over as I sat down and filled my coffee cup.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi!” she replied.

“What’s up?”

“Relax,” she replied lightly. “I’m not here to press you about Gudia, though we can talk about what happened if you want.”

“I’m not sure it matters, really,” I replied. “Needing her dad’s approval was a sticking point, and in the end, created what I saw as an impossible situation. There was just too much risk for me to invest what might be years in a relationship where her dad had an arbitrary veto he could exercise at any point. The last straw, I think, was her not being happy with my schedule because of how much I had to work over Columbus Day, and she read WAY too much into some things I said.”

“I spoke with her and, believe it or not, reprimanded her for accusing you of just wanting sex when you were offering time together. She regrets that.”

“May I be blunt with you? And not have you repeat this to Gudia?”

“Yes.”

“Her approach to conflict stinks, and reminds me of stuff I heard in High School. I never dated, so I never experienced it, but hanging up on me and basically leaving in a huff when she didn’t get her way sounds like what guys said about girls. My neighbor, Bev, was, well, to use a term I heard recently, ‘low maintenance’. She was happy just hanging out and listening to the radio, talking, taking walks, and stuff. She didn’t expect presents, or expensive dates, or anything like that. And she didn’t get bent out of shape about anything. She was fun to be around and we never had any real conflicts.

“I’ve dated a lot, well, what’s a lot for me, since I came to Chicago. There are two girls I’ve met, out of around a dozen, who are totally ‘low maintenance’ and that is much more my speed. I decided, after Gudia’s latest snit, to ask one of them to be my steady girlfriend; the first one I’ve ever had. Bev was never my ‘girlfriend’, just a really close friend. To be blunt and direct, Gudia is too high maintenance.”

Anala smiled softly, “Got it all off your chest?”

“Yes,” I chuckled. “That did sound like a rant, or whatever, didn’t it?”

“Actually, you were calm but firm, and deliberate, and you communicated your feelings quite clearly. That works for me, and I suspect for your ‘low maintenance’ girlfriend. Does she have a name?”

“Liliana. She goes by ‘Lily’.”

“A pretty name. I’m guessing you two talked quite a bit and you found out she could handle your blunt, direct style?”

“Yes.”

“I also suspect that style is exactly what they want at your investment firm?”

“I’d say that’s accurate, yes.”

“And you’ve upset at least one girl with that style?”

“Besides Gudia? Yes.”

“Have you upset other girls? I mean for any reason?”

“May I ask what your point is?”

Anala smiled, “To be your friend. Do you know what intimacy is?”

“I think so.”

“If you think ‘sex’ then you’re wrong. Well, mostly wrong.”

“Uhm, what could be more intimate than sex?”

Anala smiled again, “This conversation. Well, it’s the beginning, anyway.”

“I may be a hick from rural Ohio, but I’m pretty sure sex is WAY more intimate than talking.”

“A common misunderstanding. Sex can be part of intimacy, but it’s not true intimacy. True intimacy comes from baring your atman, akin to what Christians would call your ‘soul’, to another person. Baring your body is simply part of that, but not a necessary part. You and I can be intimate without ever sharing even a simple kiss.”

“You’ll excuse me if I have difficulty in seeing how that’s more intimate than sex.”

“And you’ll excuse me if I point out you already know what I said is true, even if you don’t admit it or even recognize it.”

“How can I know it’s true if I don’t know?” I asked.

“Tell me, what was more important to you with Bev — her being your best friend, or you two being lovers?”

I frowned, “If I answer that...”

“Yes, so, as I said, you know it to be true, you just haven’t admitted it to yourself or to anyone else. Well, until now, when you realized that what I’ve said is true. You were very, very intimate with Bev before you had sex. I’m guessing you still consider her a close friend? Your closest, even?”

“Yes, but I haven’t seen her for over four months, so I’m not sure I can say that. But she does know me better than anyone I’ve met here, at least so far.”

“And when you go home you’ll see her, spend time with her, and talk, even if you can’t make love?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Then you’ve learned your first lesson about true intimacy. You don’t have to answer this, but having been with more than one girl, which one do you prefer? And why?”

“Isn’t it rude to compare girls? I mean, sure, guys do it all the time in the locker room, but it always struck me as wrong.”

“I’m not talking about who was the wildest or gave you the best orgasms. I mean the one you would choose, over all others to be with.”

“You’re asking about intimacy, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You want me to say Bev, don’t you?”

“Would it be true if you said it?”

“Probably.”

“Were you in love with her?”

“No. I just loved her. We were friends from first grade.”

“What does that tell you?”

“Are you trying to trick me into agreeing with arranged marriages?”

“Not at all! I’m trying to open your mind to possibilities you’ve never even considered.”

“Why?”

“If you’re asking that question, there are two possibilities — I was totally wrong about you or you had a bad experience stepping outside your comfort zone.”

“I don’t think either of those are true. I think the ‘why?’ was more of a ‘why you and why me and why now’ kind of thing. We both have someone we’re serious about.”

“I actually broke up with my boyfriend, but that is NOT why I am here. I need to marry a devout Hindu man. That’s not because of my parents, though they agree; it’s because of me. Without a shared faith, it’s very difficult to be truly intimate.”

“I’m an atheist. Are you saying I shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who is a Christian or Hindu or whatever?”

“I said ‘difficult’, not impossible. Is your girlfriend a Christian?”

“Catholic, but she seems reasonable about it.”

“As in she’s not pressuring you?”

“Correct. And we’ve talked about a hypothetical future where she’d be happy if I went to church twice a year, even if I didn’t believe, and if I was OK with her taking the kids to church. Neither of those bother me, so long as I don’t have to sign up for the rules or keep completely quiet about my belief or lack thereof.”

“That’s not an uncommon compromise, really. But conflicts will arise because she might want to follow some rules, and if you say the wrong thing to your kids, it might create conflict.”

“It sounds like you’re telling me not to try,” I replied.

“Marrying a faithful Christian, by whatever measure you want to use, is going to require one of you to make significant sacrifices and that’s a way of engendering resentment in addition to creating conflict.”

“I think it’s manageable,” I replied. “I’ve met several girls who have varying degrees of faithfulness, and other than the one who is serious to the point of fanaticism, none of them seem so rigorous that it would cause a problem.”

“It’ll be the children,” Anala said. “It’s easy enough for you and a future wife to agree on ground rules; it becomes much more difficult when kids are involved.”

“You’re only a few years older than me,” I replied. “How do you know all this?”

“Watching a few older Hindu friends marry Christians. Seeing what happens when even two Hindus with different levels of devotion and rigor marry.”

“Not to be a jerk, but it sounds like you’re trying to tell me that I have to become religious if I even want to think about a girl who goes to church, even occasionally. And that’s just NOT going to happen. As I said to the Catholic girl, I don’t have any need for magical beings who offer rewards or threaten punishment based on obedience. That’s doubly true when the alleged message is different and depends on who claims to speak for God or the gods, or whatever.”

“Do you know anything about Buddhism?”

“No.”

“To overly simplify things, it’s spiritual without the need for God, at least as you conceive of God. It’s more pure philosophy than theology.”

“Neither of which I know very much about, and I don’t have ANY interest in theology, though philosophy is interesting. Gudia suggested something about war by a general.”

“The Art of War by Sun Tzu. You should read it. It’s only nominally about war. His precepts are a strong foundation for ordering your life and can be applied to all aspects of it, including business and relationships. I highly recommend it.”