Chapter 4: Rejection

When Knut called Sarah to arrange their shopping trip, she sounded subdued. If it was her period, he could ride with it. If it was something he’d done, he could try to correct it. But he couldn’t ask.

She was still subdued on the way to the store. Once there, she was a less-than-enthusiastic shopper. She even seemed to overlook sale-pricing of a product she often bought. “You buy these crackers, don’t you?” he asked her “They’re on sale this week. Better stock up.” ‘Becca was already headed for the next aisle.

“Can’t,” she said. “I can’t afford what I’m buying now. God knows when my support check will come through.” Well, one problem solved. She was in a bad mood, not mad at him. Another problem, though. She didn’t have enough for herself and her son, which meant that she’d really skimp on herself. Well, the crackers weren’t a problem; he took four boxes. But she couldn’t live on crackers; even Billy couldn’t live on crackers.

What did both of them eat? He didn’t want Billy going hungry; aside from his being a nice kid, she’d suffer more than he would. He couldn’t take them out to The Chinese Lantern every night. Well, they ate rice. He tipped a twenty-pound bag into his cart.

He couldn’t think of anything else, and he couldn’t think of a way to get the food to Sarah either. When they were on the way home, he figured out the second part. Sarah went up the stairs first; she had the key. He asked ‘Becca to go second. He picked up the bag of rice; he couldn’t find the crackers and didn’t have a hand for them anyway.

Her face was not pleasant when she saw him set the rice down. “Not in front of Rebecca,” he said and skedaddled. ‘Becca joined him in the car promptly. He let her go ahead without any load. He had all their groceries upstairs and the frozen stuff put away before ‘Becca came out of the bathroom. They split the work after that, he loaded the higher cabinets, including -- very early -- the crackers.

He did some thinking that afternoon while ‘Becca watched her video. After she -- and, presumably, Billy -- was safely asleep, he called Sarah. “This is Knut Gustafson. Can Billy hear?”

“He’s asleep. He’s been asleep for hours.”

“So’s ‘Becca. You can tell me what you think of me now.”

“You are the sorriest excuse for a human being that ever lived,” she said. “You can pick up your rice tomorrow. Otherwise I’ll throw it in the garbage.” That was a problem, but not much of one. If she was going to throw away the rice, she’d have done it when her anger was white-hot.

He did, however, point out her dilemma. “Billy eats rice. I’ve seen him. If it’s a matter of your eating crow or Billy eating nothing, you’ll eat crow. You’re a mother.”

“So are you.” He laughed. Well, the woman had spunk. Now if she would only curse out the ingrate of an ex, and see that Knut was what she needed. Still, it was better to see her spitting mad -- even at him -- than dragging her tail.

“It’s not funny,” she said. “You think I’ll sell myself for a meal or two.”

“Now, that is unfair. What would have happened if I hadn’t bought the rice but had carried your groceries up the stairs? You’d have kissed me. No...? So, I didn’t buy the rice because I thought I would get more from you. I knew I would get less.”

“I’m not a charity case.”

“You’re not. You’re the woman I love.” Now where had that come from? But it was true. “And I won’t see you going hungry. That’s the bottom line. Now I like Billy. I’d rather feed him than have him lack basic nutrients in his growing years.” Let her think about that when she wanted to throw out the rice. “There is something in us that wants the best for young kids. Probably the cavemen without that gene killed off their own descendants. But my feeling for you is much more basic. And Billy is my weapon. You would throw out perfectly good food rather than accept my care for you. You won’t let your kid go hungry. Period.” Which should remind her that these were her only options.

“I’m the woman you love? You’re the man I hate! How about that?”

“That’s sad.” It wasn’t terribly sad, though. Indifference, now, would have been tragic. “But the choice is between your hating me and your harming yourself. I’ll take the first. That’s a choice I’ll have to live with.”

She disconnected so fast his ears hurt. Well, Sarah was the sort of woman who would regret that later. When he called Thursday, and again Friday, though, she did it again.

Saturday morning, though she allowed him to speak. “This is Knut Gustafson.”

“Yes, Mr. Gustafson. What do you want?”

“I’ll let that opening pass.” Stupid, Knut! This wasn’t the time for suggestive comments. “The reason I called was to invite you and your son to dinner with me.”

“No thank you.”

“That’s too bad. Thank you for your neighborly civility. Have a good day.”

He suggested to ‘Becca that they invite Sarah and Billy over to eat her hamburgers. He was probably transparent, but ‘Becca was interested enough in cooking that she wasn’t going to make a snide comment. Sarah accepted for Billy, and to ‘Becca.

He called to clear the vegetable with Sarah. In the first place, Billy was going to enjoy this visit. In the second, the boy probably needed his veggies especially right now. After the way Sarah had reacted, he wasn’t about to offer the crackers, let alone another shopping trip to her right now.

He could see Sarah, if not touch her, when she brought Billy over. Billy really liked ‘Becca’s hamburgers. And ‘Becca decided she liked Billy’s appreciation of those burgers. Billy even ate the cooked onions after he saw ‘Becca use them. He ate a good serving of peas, and a nominal amount of lettuce. Knut indulged himself with the raw onions since there was no chance Sarah would get close enough to smell his breath. Aside from the wrong Jenkins being the guest, the evening was quite a success.

Sarah didn’t come down for Billy when Knut walked him back. So he only got a glimpse of her at the top of the stairs. And she kept taking those EL trains where hundreds of men could watch her climbing the stairs up to the platform. Life was a bitch.

He let the situation rest for a few days, but he was afraid it might be festering, instead. He had ‘Becca this weekend, which meant Sarah would be alone. When ‘Becca was in bed, he called up Sarah. “This is Knut Gustafson. Look, I know you’re mad at me. If you want to say how much, I’ll listen.”

“No ... I might have been too hard on you.”

That was a relief. “Well, if so, that’s a bygone. You’re still in trouble. What help am I allowed to give?”

“You could pay my rent this month.” That was a lot, even for that dinky apartment. On the other hand, he had offered.

“Fine. How much and to who? If you want cash, that’ll take nearly a day.”

“To whom. When it’s the object of a preposition, you are supposed to use the objective case.”

“To whom is the check to be made out?” He knew grammar, although it sounded phony as hell.

“Oh Knut, you are impossible!” She hung up, although softly this time.

Well, he could deal with that. He wasn’t sure he could deal with her going hungry. He called back. “This is Knut again,” he said. “Look, I was serious. I gather that you weren’t. What I was really asking was whether I should drive you to the store Sunday. If you want more, then you’ll get more. Within reason; I’m not Bill Gates.”

“I’m not shopping this week. I’ll live on rice.”

That didn’t sound good. He should have given her a more balanced diet, though he still didn’t see how. “You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face, which is your decision. It’s your nose. Will you cut off Billy’s?”

“I’ll call you back.” Which was promising.

The phone rang shortly, he crossed his fingers before saying, “Knut Gustafson speaking.”

“Knut,” Sarah said. “I was wrong. You were absolutely right.”

“Well, that’s an improvement. Maybe no more accurate, but much better than being an arrogant motherfucker.”

She laughed her wonderful, sexy, laugh. He’d missed that laugh. “Well, you’re that, too.”

He laughed, partly in joy that she had her spirit back. “Anyway, the question stands. What help am I allowed to give you? You’re not begging, you know. You’re not even asking. You rejected my offers, but I didn’t withdraw them. Except a few that have expired. You can’t come to dinner last Monday, but that isn’t a withdrawn invitation. I’ll shut up.”

“I think I followed that.” More than he had.

“Sounds like a woman who reads essays written for high school English classes.”

She laughed, again. “You were better than that.”

“Damned with faint praise. Anyway, what help am I allowed to give you? A ride to the store Sunday?”

“I have Billy this weekend.”

“He’s been in the car before. I don’t know how he would behave in the store.”

“I don’t know what I can afford.”

“Do you have enough to last until you get more money?” he asked her. That was the question. “Because, if you don’t, I could front you the cash. That’s only because you’ve rejected my paying for it. I am perfectly willing to do that. But, if your independence is better served with a loan, I’ll go that route.”

“I’ll look.”

“And, since you have him home and we didn’t eat out last Saturday, would you be my guests this Saturday? ‘Becca would be along, of course.”

“I’ll think about it.” Which was promising.

“Or Sunday. Time would be a problem. I don’t want Billy having to go in the restaurant again. I don’t like that restroom. The whole street is like that. Food to die for; restrooms to die from.”

She laughed. He was on a roll.

“You have a great laugh. A...,” He brought himself up short. “Let’s keep this on a friendly note.”

“Huh?”

“I was censoring myself. A little late.”

“Tell me what you thought.”

“You won’t get mad?” he asked. Of course, she’d get mad. Still, promising not to would help her get over her anger faster.

“I’ll get mad if you don’t tell me.” Which wasn’t quite the response he’d hoped for.

“I was going to say that you have a sexy laugh. Can’t be the first time you’ve heard that. Sorry. Should have kept the thought to myself.”