Chapter 12

The world was coming to an end. A giant, malevolent god was inside my head, going at it hammer and tongs. When I opened my eyes, pain lanced through my skull. Even though I clamped my eyes shut, the pain didn’t stop. Neither did the ringing hammerblows.

As I slowly became aware of my surroundings, I realized that someone was pounding on my door. I silently prayed that Billy would answer it, but when I cracked an eyelid and peered at his side of the room, his bed was empty. I sat up, but immediately regretted it.

“I’m coming!” I shouted, my mouth cottony.

The knocking didn’t let up, and my head sadistically throbbed along with it. I lurched to my feet and staggered across the room. When I finally reached the door, I had to brace myself against the wall to keep from falling over (the room was spinning).

“What?!” I snarled, jerking the door open.

“Woo-hoo, lookee here,” T.J. said. “Somebody had a big night.”

“What d’you want, T.J.?”

“Call your girlfriend, Loverboy,” he said. “She’s called here a dozen times. I told her you were passed out, but she wanted me to bust down the door.” Then he sized me up. “Damn,” he added without heat, “you city boys sure can’t hold your liquor.”

“Anything else?” I asked. Then I grimaced as the jackhammering in my head redoubled.

“Yeah,” he said, “drink lotsa water. It’ll help your head.” For a moment, he looked like he took pity on me. Then he shook his head angrily and turned away.

Before I could close the door, the phone rang. T.J. looked at it, looked at me, and then swore. With a withering glare, he snatched the receiver from the cradle.

“Hello? Why yes,” he said in a sickly sweet voice, “you may speak to Paul. He’s right here. Hold on a second.” Then he held out the phone. When I took it, he snorted contemptuously and then returned to his room.

“Hello?” I croaked, gingerly holding the receiver to my ear.

“Oh my goodness, Paul, are you okay?” Kendall asked in a rush. “I’ve been calling all morning. T.J. told me you were passed out. I was about to call an ambulance. What happened?”

“I’m fine,” I said. “I just had a late night last night. I guess I had a little too much to drink.”

Silence.

“Hello?”

“You were out with Gina, weren’t you?”

When I heard the disdain in her voice, something inside me snapped. “Is that all you fucking think about?” I asked.

“Paul, I—”

“I was out with Trip last night. It was just the two of us. And you know what?” I asked spitefully. “It was the best fucking night I’ve had in a long time. I didn’t have to worry about you, I didn’t have to worry about Gina, I didn’t have to worry about any-fucking-thing,” I said. My head was still pounding, and it hurt to shout, so I took a deep breath. “Look,” I said, a little calmer, “I’m not in the mood for this shit. So I’m gonna take some aspirin and then go back to bed. I’ll call you later.”

With that, I hung up. Kendall was saying something as I did, but I didn’t care. Gina might have her problems, but at least she wasn’t jealous. Kendall usually wasn’t jealous either, but lately, when it came to Gina, all bets were off.

And I was sick of it.

I went back to my room and hunted through my medicine cabinet for a bottle of aspirin. I shook four tablets into my palm and washed them down with a swig of water. Then I closed the blinds, plunging the room into merciful dimness. My clothes stank, but I didn’t have the energy to take them off, so I simply collapsed onto my bed and tried not to puke.

Later—although I don’t know how much later—someone knocked on my door.

“Go away,” I yelled, even though I immediately regretted it (because my head hurt, not because my mood had improved).

Instead of going away, the person opened the door. Evidently, I’d forgotten to lock it.

“Paul?”

It was Kendall.

“Paul?” she called again. Her nose was stuffed up, and she’d obviously been crying.

“What?”

Instead of answering, she stepped inside and shut the door.

“Look,” I said, “I’m sorry about earlier. My head hurt, I felt like I was gonna throw up, and I wasn’t in the mood for an anti-Gina lecture.”

Kendall sniffled softly.

My head still hurt, I still felt like I was going to throw up, and I still wasn’t in the mood for her jealousy. But I wasn’t a completely insensitive jerk.

“Do you want me to leave?” she asked, her voice unsteady.

“No,” I said. (It’s a lot easier to be angry with someone when she’s not in the room with you.) Then, “Hold on ... how’d you get up here without an escort?”

“T.J. offered to come down and escort me,” she said. Then she laughed nervously. “I guess he was tired of me calling.”

I hadn’t heard the phone ring at all. Had I really been that dead to the world?

“Can I come sit down?” she asked.

“I guess,” I said. Then I sat up and swung my feet to the floor. “I’ll be right back, though.”

“Are you...?”

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I explained.

After I returned, I brushed my teeth. It didn’t completely help with the taste in my mouth, but it got the fuzz off my teeth and tongue. When I finished brushing, I gulped a cupful of water. Then I downed two more in rapid succession.

My head still felt like it was being pounded by a trip-hammer, but my stomach had settled down. At least I thought it had. Then I got a whiff of my clothes. I smelled like smoke from the bar, but I also reeked of alcohol. My stomach lurched at the thought of another drink, so I quickly stripped. Instead of showering, which I really wanted to do, I searched around for some not-so-dirty shorts and a pullover.

“I’m sorry you’re angry,” Kendall said softly. “Is that why you went out last night?”

“It’s part of the reason,” I said. At her mention of the night before, I thought about all that Trip and I had talked about. I had probably told him too much, but if I couldn’t trust him, then I couldn’t trust anyone. He probably told me too much as well—especially about the Sigma Chi bid—but at the moment, I didn’t have the energy to get upset about that humiliation.

“What was Gina—”

“Will you forget about Gina?! It’s not about her; don’t you get that? You wanna know why I wanted to go out with just Trip last night? It’s because of shit like this. Gina’s not your enemy. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t for her, you and I never would’ve gotten together.”

“That’s just because she wanted to—”

“No ... it’s... not,” I snapped. “For Christ’s sake, is this one of your blind spots? Do you think Gina’s a shallow bitch whose brain is between her legs? Is that it?” Without waiting for an answer, I continued. “Yeah, part of it is that Gina was attracted to you, but she also saw how much I cared about you. And she wanted me to be happy. Hell, for that matter, she wanted you to be happy too. That’s hardly the hallmark of a shallow bitch, don’t you think?

“And while I’m on the subject,” I continued, “this whole ‘treating her differently because she’s in a sorority’ thing is for the birds, and it’d better stop. She’s the same girl you’ve always known, only now she needs us more than ever, because she’s out of her comfort zone, as you put it.”

“I don’t treat her differently,” Kendall protested weakly.

“Yes you do. Don’t you realize it? I sure do. And so does Gina. How do you think she feels, when one of her best friends treats her like a leper? She actually used the word ‘leper,’ by the way. Leper!”

Instead of answering, Kendall frowned as she thought about what I’d just said (and about her own actions, hopefully).

“With the way you treat her, it puts me in an awkward position too. I don’t want to have to choose between you two,” I said, leaving the remainder unspoken.

It was the worst thing I could say. It was also the best. I honestly didn’t know which girl I’d choose if I had to make the choice. I loved both of them, very much. But I also wanted Kendall to know that while she and I were perfectly matched in many ways, Gina and I were well-matched as well, and we had more history than Kendall and I did.

“How do you think you’d react, if you thought Gina was trying to alienate you and me?” I asked. When Kendall’s expression turned defensive and hard, I nodded. “Exactly. I don’t know if you’re trying to alienate Gina and me, but it sure seems that way.”

“I’m not,” she said softly, wiping her cheeks.

“Then what are you doing?” I asked, moving to sit beside her. “When Gina calls you, you don’t have time to talk to her. When you see her, you treat her like she’s not there. Why?”

“Do you really want to know?” she asked.

I nodded.

“I don’t trust her,” Kendall said flatly. “I see how she treats you. You’re just a convenient... penis. She doesn’t love you,” she spat. “Not like I do.”

At that, my stomach dropped. Did Kendall honestly believe that? How could she think that Gina didn’t love me? Didn’t she see all that Gina and I had together? We had our ups and downs, like any couple, but we had a connection—a deep connection—that had survived three years. For an eighteen-year-old, three years is almost an eternity.

“She uses you to get what she wants,” Kendall continued. “When have I ever used you? And now that she’s a sorority girl,” she added with dripping scorn, “it’s only going to get worse.”

“Is that what this is about?” I asked, semi-incredulous. “Is it because Gina joined Chi Omega?”

“No, of course not,” Kendall said unconvincingly.

“Yes, it is,” I countered. “You didn’t have any problems with her before she decided to join a sorority.”

“Oh yes I did, Paul,” she said coldly. “She’s always used you, and I’ve always seen it. I’ve waited patiently for two years, hoping you’d see what she was doing. But I’m not going to hold my tongue anymore.”

I cradled my head in my hands and took a deep breath.

How many aspirin is it safe to take at one time? I wondered. Two? Four? A dozen? When had my life become so complicated? Oh yes, when I thought I could juggle two girlfriends. What the fuck had I been thinking? With a derisive mental snort, I realized that my problem wasn’t what I’d been thinking, but what body part I’d been thinking with.

“I’m sorry,” Kendall said softly. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s how I feel. I’m tired of hiding it. And I’m tired of playing second girlfriend. When do I get my turn?”

“I don’t know, Kendall,” I said, my head still in my hands. The trip-hammer had started up again, with a vengeance. So this is what the downfall of a goddess is like, I thought glumly. I’m dating a human girl after all. Two of them. And that’s the problem. Finally, I looked up and took a deep breath. “Listen,” I said, “I need some time to think. My head is killing me, and right now, I don’t know what I want.” Then I stood up. I suddenly had the urge to work out. “I think I’m gonna go to the Bubble,” I said.

“You don’t want to...?”

I shook my head. I don’t know what she wanted to do, but I wasn’t in the mood for company.

“Oh,” she said in a small voice.

With that, I began hunting for my shoes and socks. After I put them on, I grabbed my little stereo and headphones. I just wanted to go lift weights and drown out the world.

“I’ll walk you down,” I said, holding my hand out to her.

She looked like she’d been slapped.

I know I probably should’ve said something to make her feel better, but all of a sudden, I wasn’t feeling very charitable. Besides, my head was still throbbing, which made it difficult to concentrate.

Kendall and I rode the elevator in silence. In the breezeway, I stepped close and kissed her cheek.

“Paul?” she asked, a little bewildered.

“I’ll call you later,” I said. Then, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she whispered.

“I’ll call you,” I repeated.

She started crying as I turned away. With a suppressed pang of remorse, I pushed the Play button on the little stereo and then jogged down the hill.

At the Sports Bubble, I concentrated on my arms and upper body. Normally, I wasn’t very thirsty during my workouts, but I made several trips to the water fountain, gulping down fresh, cool water.

Fortunately, my headache began to ease off. Unfortunately, I didn’t resolve any of my problems. My best solution was to hope things would fix themselves, but that wasn’t really a solution at all.

When I got back to my room, I showered, got dressed, and then walked across the hall to Trip’s room. He looked about as bad as I’d felt. Luckily, my workout and shower had gone a long way toward making me feel human again.

“C’mon in,” he said. Then he lifted the turntable needle and turned off the stereo.

“What were you listening to?” I asked.

“You’ve probably never heard of him.”

“Oh?”

“Erik Satie,” he said. When I shook my head, he shrugged. “I think you’d like it. It’s relaxing stuff. Anyway, how’re you, man?”

“I’ll survive,” I said. “You?”

“I don’t want to survive,” he said with a rueful chuckle, “but I will.”

We talked for a few more minutes about our general misery. Then he turned serious.

“How much of last night do you remember?” he asked.

“Most of it,” I answered cautiously.

“Sorry about the Sigma Chi thing,” he said. “I promised myself I’d never tell you, but...,” he added with a shrug. “Do you hate me?”

I immediately shook my head. “I’m a little disappointed—because I didn’t get a bid—but I’m not angry with you. I mean, it wasn’t your fault. And you certainly didn’t have to turn down your bid on my account.”

“Nah, it wouldn’t’ve been any fun without you, man.”

“Aw, shucks,” I joked. Then I turned serious. “Um ... how much do you remember about last night?” I asked evasively. I was referring to my relationship with Kendall and Gina, of course.

“Pretty much everything.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“I’m still jealous, though.”

“I thought you’d sworn off women, after Lori.”

“I have—for the time being, at least. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be jealous.”

“Well,” I said soberly, “I don’t know how much you should be jealous.”

“Things’re still bad, huh?” he asked.

“No, they’re just peachy,” I lied facetiously.

“I’m sorry, man.”

I shrugged.

“If you ever wanna talk about it, you know you can, right? I mean, except for one long-term relationship that inexplicably went poof, I haven’t had a single bad experience with women.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I said, laughing. Then I turned thoughtful. “Right now, I need to figure out what I want to do. Kendall’s got her claws out, and Gina’s noticed. Since she was my girlfriend first, well ... I dunno ... it complicates things.”

“Do you really love both of them? Equally? You don’t have a favorite?”

“Not really. I mean, I love different things about each of them. And ... different things about each of them bug the hell out of me. Anyway, let’s talk about something else.”

“No problem, man. Let me put Satie back on. I think you’ll like it. These are his Gymnopédies.”

I lay on Luke’s bed and stared at the ceiling as Trip started the record. Gentle, lulling piano music filled the room when he unplugged his headphones.

He was right, it was relaxing.

After dinner, I called Gina and chatted for a few minutes. I didn’t mention anything about my conversation with Kendall, of course, but I told her that I was probably going to spend some time with the older girl that evening.

“That’s cool,” Gina said. “Miss Goody Two Shoes is back from her parents’. So I think I’m gonna go hang out in Regan’s room.”

“Okay.”

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you too.”

With that, we said goodbye and hung up. Then I called Kendall’s apartment. Abby answered the phone.

“Hey, Abby,” I said. “It’s Paul. May I please speak to Kendall?”

“I’ll see if she wants to talk to you,” she said coolly.

Super, I thought. Now I’ve got a protective roommate to deal with as well.

“Hi,” Kendall said a few moments later. Her voice was hoarse; she’d obviously been crying.

“Hey,” I said. “How’s it going?”

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “Do you still love me?”

“Of course I still love you,” I said. “What kind of question is that?”

“When you left this afternoon...”

“When I left this afternoon,” I explained, “I was upset, frustrated, and hung over.”

“And now?”

“Well, my hangover’s better. I’m still a little upset, though. Can I come down so we can talk?”

“Sure,” she said immediately.

“Okay. I’ll be right there.”

Five minutes later, I knocked on Kendall’s apartment door. Abby answered.

“Come in,” she said, although she didn’t look very happy with me.

“Is Kendall okay?” I asked her quietly.

“What do you think? She’s been crying all afternoon.”

“Is that Paul?” Kendall called from the bathroom. Then she stuck her head out. When she saw me, she ran down the hall and practically leapt into my arms.

“I’m gonna get my things,” Abby said, flashing me a “you’d better be nice to her” look.

“She’s going to the library to study,” Kendall said softly.

“Where are Vivian and Phoebe?” I asked.

“They’re on a camping trip. They won’t be home till later.”

“Okay,” Abby said as she emerged from the study cubicle. Then she looked at Kendall. “Are you sure about this?” she asked. “I can stay if you want me to.”

“I’ll be fine, Abby,” Kendall said.

Abby shot me another meaningful look and then nodded to Kendall.

“Thanks, Abby,” Kendall said. “I really appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome,” the blonde girl said. “I’ll be back by ten,” she added. She was looking at Kendall, but she was obviously talking to me.

Kendall thanked her again and then walked her to the door.

When Kendall returned, she smiled shyly. I gestured toward the living room couch. When we sat down, she tucked her feet underneath her and then tentatively leaned against me. I put my arm around her and we sat in silence for a few minutes.

Then we started talking: about her feelings toward Gina, me, and the world in general. I ended up defending Gina a lot of the time, but I think Kendall began to see a little of what I saw in Gina. I think she also realized that if I were forced to choose between the two of them, the choice wouldn’t be simple or clear-cut. Nor would it be friendly.

I also gleaned a little more insight into her hatred of sororities. She wouldn’t tell me the whole story, but it had to do with Big Mistake Guy and two girls she’d thought were her friends. To make matters worse, her ex-friends had been in Chi Omega. One of them had graduated, but the other—a girl named Hayley—was still at UT.

We talked for more than an hour. I don’t know if we resolved anything, but we certainly got a lot of things out in the open. I also got the feeling that Kendall had hoped Gina would go to UCLA. Deep down, I think Kendall resented Gina for choosing me over California.

In the end, though, she promised to try to be more understanding about Gina and her sorority. She also promised to be more tolerant of Gina’s personality in general. To a degree, I didn’t care what she did—I just wanted things the way they used to be, with the three of us happy.

Monday morning, Kendall and I met for breakfast, as usual. I looked around for the brunette and the blonde, but didn’t see them. We did see Trip, however, so we invited him to join us.

“I thought I’d try this place for breakfast,” he said as he sat down. “The food is better.”

While we ate, we talked about our classes. Afterward, we walked down Andy Holt Avenue together. At the Humanities building, Trip said goodbye and headed to his English class. Then Kendall and I continued toward the Hill.

“I really like him,” she said.

“Me too.”

“He doesn’t have a girlfriend, does he?”

I shook my head.

“Do you think he likes Abby?”

I looked at her sidelong.

“Well, she’s not seeing anyone right now, and...”

“I dunno,” I hedged. “I thought she’d wanna date a guy her age.”

“Why?” Kendall asked with a grin. “I don’t.”

I laughed.

“Besides, I think she kinda likes him.”

“Oh?”

She nodded. “I can tell. She’s said little things.” Then, “Hey, I’ve got a great idea! She and I can fix dinner for you two.”

For a moment, I waffled; I didn’t know how I felt about Kendall playing matchmaker. I wanted to tell her that Trip wasn’t really interested in a girlfriend right now, but I’d promised that I wouldn’t say anything about his reasons why. Besides, I didn’t want to make the decision for him.

“What do you think?” Kendall asked, interrupting my train of thought.

“When?” I asked.

“How about Friday? Vivian and her boyfriend usually do something on Fridays, and I think Phoebe and her boyfriend are visiting his parents this weekend. So we’ll have the apartment to ourselves.”

“I’ll ask Trip,” I said.

“Oh, Paul, thank you! It’ll be just like we’re a real couple.”

“We are a real couple,” I said.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do. Anyway, I’ll ask him,” I said, as we reached Ayers Hall and the top of the Hill.

“Okay, thanks. Oh, and don’t forget, you’ve got your modeling this afternoon,” she said, leaning close. Then she kissed me, with a lot more heat than I’d expected. “I can’t believe I’m dating a model,” she said with a grin. Then she pouted. “I wish I could do it with you.”

“Me too,” I said. “But at least this way, you don’t have to stop shaving. You know?”

“I thought of that too,” she said. Then her expression grew sultry. “Why don’t you meet me at my apartment after modeling? Before you get there, I can take a hot bath and get ready for you,” she whispered. “My pussy will be nice and smooth...”

I felt my dick stiffen at the thought. Unfortunately, we were in a public quad, with lots of other students around. No one was paying attention to us—at the moment—but if we started...

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” she asked.

“How can you tell?”

“You get this look on your face when you’re in the mood,” she said. “And it’s very arousing.”

“Oh?”

With a grin, she nodded.

“Good,” I said. “But now, I’d better get to class, before I have to limp up the stairs.”

With a promising smile, she kissed me goodbye and we went our separate ways.

After lunch, I stopped by my dorm room and stuffed a bathrobe into my backpack. The art professor, Siobhan, had suggested sandals as well, but I decided to forego them.

Then I went across the hall and knocked on Trip’s door. No one answered, so I headed to the A&A building. Luckily, Trip was already there.

“Hey, man, what’re you up to this Friday?” I asked as I slid into my desk.

“Nothing. Why?”

“Um ... well ... Kendall kinda wanted to know if you wanna come over to her apartment, for dinner.”

He lifted his eyebrows.

“She’s playing matchmaker,” I admitted.

“With Abby?” he asked.

I nodded.

“She’s cute, and I like her, but...,” he trailed off with a shrug. “I guess I’m not really interested. In anyone,” he added hastily. “I mean, not after Lori. Not now, at least.”

“That’s what I figured,” I said.

“But that doesn’t mean I can’t show up and be polite. So yeah, I’d love to come.”

“Cool. It’ll make Kendall happy.” I didn’t know how it would make Abby feel, but I guess that was Kendall’s problem.

“We’ve gotta be back in your room for Dallas, though. Remember?”

“Ten o’clock, nine central,” I joked. “Yeah, I’d forgotten about that.” Then, “Hey, maybe we could watch it at Kendall’s. They’ve got a TV.”

Before I could say anything else, Professor Joska walked into the room and we all grew quiet. Then I mentally chuckled at how well trained we were. I still didn’t like the man, but he did know how to handle a class of freshman architecture students.

“Midterm exams,” he said solemnly. “Two words guaranteed to strike fear into the heart of any student.”

I glanced at Trip and rolled my eyes at Joska’s melodrama.

“I see that some of you are panicked,” Joska continued. “And rightfully so. But some of you seem to enjoy a sanguine self-confidence that scares me, frankly,” he said.

With a start, I realized that he was looking at me.

“Make no mistake,” he said, still looking at me, “some of you will not pass this exam.”

I felt my face heating with anger. What was he trying to say? Did he think I wouldn’t pass? If he did, he’d better think again. I’d study as long as it took if it meant proving him wrong.

“This week, we’ll finish up the section on human needs,” he said, ignoring my defiant expression. “This Friday, I’ll return your Home Project drawings and critiques. Next week, we’ll spend Monday and Wednesday reviewing the sections on the history of design and the application of the human sciences. Next Friday, you will sit for the midterm.”

Samantha Poole took out her calendar. Not surprisingly, she already had a big red “Exam” written on Friday, October 16^th.

“Mark your calendars,” Joska said, grinning perversely as he spotted Samantha. Then he addressed the class as a whole, “The midterm will be the beginning of the end for several of you. The class is already down to twenty students. I expect fewer than fifteen of you pass the final exam and continue to Design II, next quarter.”

Prick, I thought sullenly.

“For now, however, some of you still think you have a chance. So, by all means, let’s continue your instruction.” With that, he turned to Curtis Giles. “Mr. Giles, what are the basic human needs required for comfort?”

“Um ... breathing ... eating ... drinking...”

As I followed the lecture with only half of my attention, I mentally scheduled time for studying. I also had midterm exams in Calculus and Art History, but I wasn’t worried about them. I had a paper due in American Literature (on William Faulkner), which I’d have to begin writing soon, but I wanted to do well on the Design exam. That would show Joska that I wasn’t a candidate for the fast food industry.

“Okay, so where were we?” Trip asked after class.

“Ten o’clock, nine central,” I said with a grin.

“CBS.”

“Dallas,” I joked. Then I turned serious. “Yeah, I guess we could invite Luke and Tara down to Kendall’s apartment. I’ll ask her about it.”

“Sounds good,” Trip said. Then, “So, you wanna go shoot some hoops?”

“I’d love to, man,” I said, “but I can’t.”

“Oh? What’s up?”

“I’ve got this ... thing ... I need to do,” I said. I felt my cheeks heating in embarrassment. I had promised to model, and I wasn’t going to back out now. I wanted to cancel, but my own sense of duty wouldn’t let me.

“No problem, man,” Trip said.

“As a matter of fact, I probably better get going.”

“Okay. Catch you later.”

“Later.”

I made a show of walking toward the library, but as soon as Trip was out of sight, I turned back toward the A&A building. Once there, I headed for Studio 6, where I discovered a sculpture class in progress. I decided to wait in the hall. After a moment’s indecision, I pulled out my sketchpad, leaned against the wall, and slid to the floor. Then I closed my eyes.

During my whirlwind trip to Rome, I’d seen the Tempietto di San Pietro, the Little Temple of Saint Peter. The building had been designed by Bramante, a famous Italian Renaissance architect. It was surprisingly small, but the stateliness of its dome and colonnade made it seem much more substantial. At the time, I’d been impressed by how Bramante had created such an extraordinary building in such a small area. Even in my memory, the building still seemed larger than life.

Once I had the image fixed in my mind, I opened my eyes and began to sketch. My pencil flew over the paper, laying out the regular columns and the arch of the dome. I cross-hatched the deep recesses of the colonnade and then lightly shaded the columns themselves, giving them shape and depth. Then I added details to the frieze above the columns, and to the pilasters supporting the dome.