Chapter 65: An Astute Analysis

January 12, 2002, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

On Saturday morning, Kara and I were up early, as usual, so we could walk Jessica to work.

“Are we still planning on seeing Vanilla Sky tonight?” Jessica asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “Suzanne’s friends, Natalie, and Estrella will join us, as will Kathy and Kurt.”

“I’m going to try to get Dad to come with us. Other than seeing Malik, he’s basically holed up in the house or at the hospital.”

“He does come to Guys’ Night once a month,” I replied. “I’ll see if I can get Kurt to work on him a bit. And I’ll call my dad as well.”

“Thanks, Tiger.”

“Are you doing OK, Jess?” I asked.

“Belinda and I were never really close, and you know Dad and I avoided socializing except for medical school and hospital functions, so I didn’t see her all that often. I’m concerned for Dad, obviously, but otherwise, it’s not like you with Stephie and certainly not like with Jorge.”

“Our families have seen a bit too much tragedy,” I said. “Too many people have lost their lives at young ages, starting with Birgit Andersson and most recently Belinda. Each day I get up, I am thankful for another day, realizing that it might be my last.”

“Don’t let your daughters hear you say that!” Jessica warned.

“I don’t want meltdowns any more than you do,” I agreed.

We reached the hospital, Kara and I kissed Jessica, and after Jessica went into the ER, Kara and I headed home where Birgit was waiting to cuddle.

“How is Rachel?” I asked.

“She’s really happy to be out of her house. And she said she’s going to start dating Javon, the captain of the football team. He was one of...”

“Do NOT share that kind of information, young lady. It’s up to Rachel who she tells, and nobody else.”

“Sorry, Dad,” Birgit replied, sounding chagrined.

“Just remember that’s something that has to stay private. You don’t talk about who your friends are with any more than you talk about who you think I’ve been with.”

“I know, Dad!” Birgit giggled. “You can’t hide anything from me!”

“Uh-huh.”

“You fucked at least three of the cheerleaders, and probably more,” she said smugly.

“Whatever you assume, you have to keep to yourself, nosy daughter!”

Birgit laughed, “Oh, please! I’ve known about pretty much every girl since I was a toddler, unless they weren’t ever here. I can tell, Dad!”

“And how can you tell?”

“That’s MY superpower!” Birgit giggled.

“Breakfast!” Estrella called out from the door of the sunroom.

“We’ll be right there,” I said.

Birgit and I cuddled for another three minutes before we joined Kara, Suzanne, Natalie, and Estrella for breakfast. We were eating a bit early, as I had to leave to go to Jesse’s hockey game.

“I’m going to visit Alejandra on Tuesday,” Estrella announced. “I have an open-ended ticket, so I might stay longer than just a few days.”

“No problem,” I replied. “Just let us know when you’ll be back. Will you need a ride to the airport?”

“I’m taking her,” Suzanne interjected. “I checked with Jessica about borrowing her BMW.”

We finished our breakfasts and then Natalie and I left for Oak Park so we could see the game which would feature Jesse, Mikey, and Nicole, though the latter two were playing for Oak Park against Kenwood Academy.

“Have you heard anything about Anya Voronina?” Natalie asked as I backed out of the driveway.

“They’re treating her symptoms and she has some of her energy back, but the tests have been inconclusive so far. Anya is suffering from a metabolic disorder which results in not absorbing nutrients properly from her food. They haven’t found the cause as yet, so Mary has asked for consultation from Johns Hopkins and Stanford. One specialist at Stanford suggested checking for a parasitic infection, which is what they are doing now.”

“In Russia? Wouldn’t that be really odd?”

I shrugged, “No idea. But the Voronins have made trips to India, Africa, and South America over the past ten years, so it’s possible. Mary Whittaker sent blood samples to Johns Hopkins, Stanford, and the CDC for evaluation.”

“Have you noticed that Estrella doesn’t seem particularly happy?” Natalie asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “But she had a decision to make, and it was truly up to her.”

“Given she plans to study computers, I’m going to guess it’s the same dilemma Penny has mentioned.”

“And despite ANYTHING Penelope might say, she knows she made the correct decision.”

Natalie laughed, “She positively hates her full given name.”

“No kidding!” I chuckled. “Why do you think I use it?!”

“You’re as bad as Jesse!” Natalie declared, shaking her head.

“I’m worse, because I have age and experience!”

“That’s such a boy thing to brag about!”

“As I said to the last person to make that observation, albeit, referring to a different location, you didn’t complain about me being a boy in Saint Petersburg!”

Natalie laughed softly, “I wanted you to be a boy that night! Well, a man, but you know what I mean.”

“Liz and Jennifer both say that men are simply boys with more money and more body mass.”

“They have a point,” Natalie declared.

“Which wasn’t your problem with Jack,” I replied. “In fact, your problem with Jack was that he wasn’t boyish enough.”

“True,” Natalie admitted. “Too straitlaced, too conservative, and too ‘adult’ for my tastes.”

“And me?”

“Like riding one of the new roller-coasters at Great America! It’s a fun, thrilling ride that can scare you, but you don’t really want it to end because it’s exciting and invigorating!”

“Even with the propranolol?” I asked.

“I think you’re at a point where stability is important.”

“Did you just call me old?” I asked.

Natalie smiled, “You are twice my age!”

“And?”

“Nothing! Just an observation. If I had a problem with the age difference, I wouldn’t have asked you to take me to bed in Russia.”

“Nicole had a problem with it, though, didn’t she?”

“Very astute, Mr. Adams! She wanted the experience, but other than hockey, you two had nothing in common. The generational difference was huge. For me, we have so many common interests that we overcame that quite easily. It’s one thing to have a brief affair; it’s a whole different thing to have a relationship. The younger girls who stick around are more like me; the ones who just want to fuck are more like Nicole.”

“Very astute, yourself, Ms. Heath.”

“It’s pretty simple, really. Sex is a side-benefit of what I want and need from you. For Nicole, sex was the goal. Oh, sure, you two will be friends, and she’ll ask you for advice on occasion, and, if she and Mikey were to break up, she’d probably ask for an encore. But it would just be fucking to fuck.

“Our intimate relationship - I mean yours and mine - would survive without sex, and will, once I find the right guy. Ignoring labels for the sake of this discussion, what Suzanne and I both want from you is nearly identical. The only real difference is that I want to have kids. I’ve wanted that from the time I was little; Suzanne never has.”

“So long as you are both happy and fulfilled, then I see nothing wrong with anything you’ve said.”

“May I make an observation?”

“Of course.”

“It might be out of line.”

“Nothing you can say, as one of my Inner Circle, can be out of line.”

“The girls who are like Nicole, are all jealous of Kara; the girls who are like me, are all jealous of Liz.”

“Interesting. Go on.”

“If they just want to fuck, they all wish they had Kara’s body and her sex drive. If they want to actually be with you long-term, they wish you loved them the way you love Liz.”

“You know I love all of you, right?”

“Sure, and love between two people is unique to those two people, because it’s part of the merging of souls. And each of your relationships is different. Let me start with the easy one. Your marriage with Jessica started as a contract, and while it’s more complex now, it was, and always will be, a contract. There’s nothing wrong with that, mind you, I’m just pointing out the structure and basis.”

“There is absolutely some truth to that, probably a lot of truth. I’m sure she’s discussed how she approached me.”

“In detail,” Natalie smirked. “Including details like wanting to throw you down and fuck you in the locker room at the hospital. But she wisely chose a different course.”

“Go on,” I urged.

“You and Kara, well, you both fell into the relationship by accident. You wanted to deflower the leader of the ‘Holy Rollers’ and she wanted to have her brains fucked out by the school stud. You did that, but in the process, you surprised yourselves, so when you did finally deflower her, you gave yourselves to each other in a way that you haven’t with anyone else. In the end, the moment you pierced her hymen, you were joined as ‘one flesh’. That scared and confused both of you, and you both made big mistakes, but in the end, ‘one flesh’ won out. A Biblical marriage if there ever was one.”

“A reasonable analysis,” I replied.

“You and Jennifer, well, you’re each other’s soulmates, but she is, and always was, a lesbian. Only her utter confusion allowed your relationship to become physical. You knew, in your heart of hearts, that she wasn’t going to be your life partner. I’m not quite sure when you figured it out but it was before she moved to Seattle. You couldn’t articulate it, but you knew.”

“The only way you could know that is if you spoke with Jennifer.”

“I have. You know me! I simply asked her how you guys managed to have Jesse given that she’s a lesbian, and has made it clear that she’s singularly uninterested in men, with one exception, but that exception couldn’t ever be consummated again, once Jesse was conceived. I got the impression that you two have talked about it, but, ultimately, she can’t do it, both because of her own sexuality and because of Josie.”

“I’d say that’s all accurate.”

“Suzanne, well, she was looking for you; she just didn’t know it. She’d decided at a young age she didn’t want kids and didn’t feel marriage was necessary. She was looking for a man who could fulfill her, but not interfere with her career, or want to ever have kids, and who was her intellectual equal. Loki led you to the adjoining seats on the plane, and the rest is, as they say, history. You needed someone to succeed Elyse, and Suzanne perfectly fit the bill. And there’s a key difference - Suzanne has limits, where Elyse did not. And that’s as important as the propranolol for keeping you stable.

“As for Elyse, well, if there was a more perfect ‘wingman’ in your history, I’m not sure who it would be. Jorge might have ultimately become that, but Fate decided that wasn’t going to happen. Fate is a bitch that way, and there isn’t much that can be done about it. But the problem for Elyse was that there was always someone else in the picture. She also, like me, couldn’t make the leap from one-on-one sex to group sex, and participation was right out. That meant it could never work. Suzanne is willing, though it’s not really her thing.”

“So far, so good,” I replied.

“As for Liz, well, she was your ‘lightning bolt’, as Michael Corleone experienced with Apollonia in Sicily. And you were her idea of a perfect husband. The age gap is only about ten years, and had you not been married, it would have been a whirlwind romance. Your partnership with her is the only one that exceeds your partnership with Samantha, another one who, in other circumstances, could have been your perfect mate, though she’d never permit playing around the way you do. Liz wouldn’t either, but you wouldn’t have wanted to play around.”

“You’ve been paying attention!”

“Duh!” Natalie replied with a laugh. “Isn’t that what the Inner Circle is supposed to do?”

“Yes.”

Natalie was quiet for a moment, as if she were thinking about something.

“There’s one more, well, two, actually, but I’m not sure I should say what I’m thinking out loud.”

I wondered who she was thinking about. There were all kinds of possibilities, from Michelle to Katy to Sakurako, or even Birgit Andersson. Becky was more of a longshot, as were Karin Andersson, Katt, or Sofia, for that matter. Natalie’s reticence indicated it was something not openly discussed, which pointed towards Michelle.

“As you commented just a moment ago,” I said, “that’s part of what the Inner Circle is about.”

“Your relationship with Birgit is, well, different. It’s almost like she’s a, and I hope you’ll pardon the expression, ‘pint-size’ wife! I’ve never experienced anything even close to that with my dad, nor have my friends, except for one, and that’s what made me wonder.”

“I think you should probably tell me, if you’re able to share.”

“First, is she going to get what she wants?”

The question actually didn’t surprise me, given that Birgit wasn’t as circumspect as she thought she was.

I shook my head, “No. That simply can’t happen. Period. What was it that triggered the suspicion?”

“First, I should probably ask the other question, because it’s relevant. But I’m not sure.”

I immediately knew what it was, and felt it was better to get things out in the open than let them percolate in Natalie’s mind.

“You better say what you’re thinking,” I said. “If you’re thinking what I believe you’re thinking, I’d rather have it out in the open, at least between us.”

“How long were you and Stephanie lovers?” Natalie asked quietly.

“Before I confirm or deny that, tell me what you think you know.”

“Know? Zero. Suspect? From everything I hear and see, you and Stephanie had a relationship not all that different from you and Birgit, minus the significant age gap and daughter versus sister. I can’t even tell you when the idea first popped into my mind, and it was about Birgit first, but then things people said about how close you and Stephanie were growing up made me wonder.”

“Because of what you were referring to before?”

“Yes. A friend of mine had a brief affair with her dad, then a longer one with her brother. It started when she was fifteen and ended two years ago when her brother killed himself. His suicide note revealed everything. My friend and her dad destroyed the note so the police wouldn’t see it.”

“And you didn’t feel a need to mention that during any of our conversations?”

“I didn’t see the point,” Natalie said. “But her relationship with her dad growing up was like yours with Birgit, though my friend’s mom died when she was five. She decided she was the ‘woman of the house’ and spent ten years taking care of her dad before seducing him. He regretted it and ended it after a few weeks. She was devastated, and went to her brother for comfort, and seduced him. That went on for years, but the guilt finally got to him. About a month after the suicide, she left home and I haven’t heard from her since. You and Stephanie got through it, obviously.”

“Not without a lot of pain and even more counseling, for both of us. The circumstances were different, obviously, but there are some parallels. You realize this can never be repeated to anyone, right?”

“Yes, of course,” Natalie agreed.

“May I ask if anyone said anything to you?”

“Nobody said anything. As I said, I saw parallels between you and Birgit and my friend and her brother. And given what I know about your relationship with your sister, and the nickname you still use for her, I wondered about it. That’s especially true given your relationship with Jesse is nothing like your relationship with Birgit.”

I nodded, “Jesse, like his brothers, cut the apron strings into tiny pieces when they were toddlers. Their version of dethroning the king is about beating me at poker and video games. Given how much independence they have, there’s no point in overthrowing the government, as it were. Birgit, on the other hand, is striving to be Empress of the Universe, and that means winning a test of wills with the Wicked Witch of the West!”

Natalie laughed, “Does Kara know that appellation?”

“I haven’t told her, and I think Birgit knows that if she actually says that out loud, I’ll have to do something about it.”

“Then how do you know?”

“Birgit isn’t quite as circumspect and crafty as she thinks she is, something for which I thank Loki on a daily basis!”

“She’s a force of nature, as I’ve heard you say. So, how long were you and Stephanie lovers?”

“From her fourteenth birthday until the Summer before my marriage.”

“Kara and Jessica know, right?”

“And a few others.”

“OK. I don’t need to know more. I was just concerned about you and Birgit, and I think you’ve allayed my concerns. And I also understand now why you were so concerned about Nicole and me. You having an incest taboo didn’t jibe with your rejection of social norms as meaningful measures of appropriate sexuality. I’m not saying you think it’s OK, just that you would have worried more about how it might affect my relationship with Nicole than about the taboo aspect.”

“It’s a complicated problem,” I replied. “And taboo or not, my experience says that it’s a very bad idea. Maybe that’s because of the taboo, and that’s what prevented us from fulfilling Stephanie’s fantasy where we ran away and had kids and lived together as if we were married. Having the same last name would keep most people from asking questions, and we don’t look alike, really. But the risk of being discovered was real, and given society’s views on what it would call ‘illicit sex’, there was just no way.”

“Society says what we did in Saint Petersburg was ‘illicit’, but I reject that notion completely.”