Chapter 35: Collect ‘Em All

November 26, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“Hi!” Kayla exclaimed when she came to the door on Monday at 5:30pm. “I’m here to ask!”

She was dressed in tight faded jeans and had on a light jacket over a fuzzy sweater, rather than in her cheerleader outfit with leggings.

“For?” I asked.

Kayla laughed, “Are you being goofy or what?”

“I’ve been known to be a goofball at times. So?”

“Are you down for the private pizza party?”

“Did you do what I asked?”

“No rabies, feline distemper, Lyme disease, ticks, or fleas! No STIs, either! And I’m on the Pill!”

I laughed, “So I’m having pizza with a pussy cat?”

“Or...” she smirked.

“Pussy with my pizza!”

“Exactly! What do you like on your pizza?”

“Anything except anchovies and green peppers. Well, and no Hawaiian pizza!”

“Pineapple on pizza is just wrong!” Kayla declared.

“I agree.”

“My house, Friday, 6:00pm sharp!”

“Your parents?”

“Will be in Waukesha, Wisconsin at a wedding for my dad’s college friend’s son. They’re actually staying the night. And if you’re worried about them coming home, don’t. They’d call if that happened, and I can’t imagine why they would.”

“May I see the test results?”

“Trust, but verify?”

I nodded, “An educated woman.”

“You do realize not all cheerleaders are airheads, right?”

“I dated a cheerleader in High School and college who has a PhD in psychology and has written two books, so yeah, I realize! What’s your plan?”

“Masters in Chemical Engineering.”

“I can introduce you to the Assistant Department Chair of the UofC Chemistry Department who has a PhD in polymer chemistry.”

“Doctor Kara Adams?”

“How do you know her?”

“I don’t know her, but I checked out all the professors at UofC before I sent in my application. I sent one to IIT, too. I was accepted to both programs.”

“Where are you going?”

“Not sure. Any advice?”

“How about we talk about that on Friday?”

“Cool!”

“Test results?”

Kayla nodded and handed me the form she pulled from the pocket of her coat. It was clean, as she’d said, and out of an abundance of caution, I checked her birthdate - March 17, 1984 - then handed back the paper.

“Friday. My house. 6:00pm.”

“I’ll be there. Address?”

She told me, and after she had walked a block north, I went back into the house.

“Did you say ‘yes’?” Kara asked.

“I did. She’s a smart cookie and has a goofy sense of humor. She’s planning on a Master’s in Chemical Engineering either at IIT or UofC. And she researched professors at both schools.”

“That’s a sign of someone who is thinking straight.”

“Dinner!” Winter called out.

Kara and I joined the family for dinner, and after we ate and cleaned up, my wives, daughters, and I went to the dojo. When we returned home, we spent some time with the kids before Jessica’s medical student arrived.

“Steve Adams, this is Emilee Krueger,” Jessica said. “Emilee, Steve Adams.”

“Hi, Emilee,” I said. “Nice to meet you.”

“Hi. Shall we get on with it?”

She looked and sounded as if she wanted to be anywhere but where she was, and the vibe I was receiving screamed ‘adversarial’. Jess had asked me to be blunt and direct, and I planned to do that.

“Then let’s go to my study,” I suggested.

We did, and after asking if she needed a drink, I got a bottle of water from the mini-fridge in my study for each of us and then we sat down.

“Doctor Adams basically said I need to talk to you or she’ll fail me.”

I suspected that wasn’t quite what Jessica had said, but I didn’t want an argument over that, so I ignored it.

“High School valedictorian? Graduated college summa cum laude? Top marks your first two years of medical school? Aced the first MLE ‘step exam’?”

“Yes.”

“Big deal,” I replied flatly. “You were the smartest person in your High School and the smartest person at your college, but you aren’t the smartest person in the hospital. And in fact, you aren’t even the smartest person in the medical school because I know who is. And unless YOU come to terms with that, you are going to fail your ER Clerkship.”

“And how do YOU know that?” Emilee asked, scowling. “You aren’t a doctor or professor!”

“No, I’m not. But I helped Jess - Doctor Adams - become the doctor she is today. And the first thing you have to do is realize you aren’t as smart as you think you are! In fact, if you think you’re the smartest person at the hospital, then you actually aren’t smarter than a fifth-grader! You don’t like to be told that you’re wrong, even if you are.”

“That’s bullsh ... crap!”

“You can swear in front of me. Let me take another stab - you focused purely on math, biology, chemistry, biochemistry, and physics, and filled your electives with things like computer science, right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And not a single philosophy course, right?”

“That wouldn’t help on the MCAT or getting into medical school, so why bother?”

“Because you might have learned a lesson even my fifth-grader knows. I’m going to bring her in to tell you, then you decide if you want mentoring in how to become a physician, or if you think you’re too smart for anyone to help you.”

“Why be an ass?”

“If the truth hurts, that’s not MY fault. Wait here.”

I left my study and returned with Ashley, who was in fifth grade.

“This is my daughter, Ashley,” I said. “Ashley, this is Ms. Krueger, one of your mom’s medical students. Would you tell her how we know someone is wise?”

“When they admit they don’t know anything!” Ashley declared.

“Thanks, Cinderella,” I said. “That’s all I needed.”

Ashley left, closing the door behind her.

“That can’t be true!” Emilee protested.

“And yet, it is. I challenge you to read The Republic and discover the truth about wisdom and knowledge that my fifth-grader already knows. It’s your choice. Do it or don’t. But be prepared for the consequences of being judged by people who not only think they’re smarter than you are, but most likely are.

“Now, maybe you’re that one-in-a-million prodigy who is smarter than every other doctor on the planet. Guess what? At this point, that doesn’t mean a damned thing. In order to actually BE a physician, you have to be admitted to the club by the current members, who will only do so if you show that you’re worthy by following their training plan which has been developed by learning hard lessons for the past three thousand years, and listening to what they say and internalizing it. There is literally no other way.

“You see, you have to pay your dues just like every other physician on the planet has done. And you have to listen to the wisdom that comes from hard-earned experience. If you refuse to listen because you think you’re so much smarter than everyone else, you’ll be a lousy physician and will kill patients because of your arrogance. I know doctors who have done that. I’ve seen medical students wash out because they let their arrogance override their abilities. Your call, Emilee.

“That’s all I have to say. Read the book or don’t. If you do, and you want to talk about it, I’m here. My wife seems to think you can be salvaged and are worth saving. She’s usually right about that, but not always. Personally, I don’t see it, but then again, I’m not a physician. My wife can help you become a GREAT physician, if you let her. If not, well, she explained what’s going to happen.”

“YOU don’t see it?!” Emilee exclaimed in outrage. “Who are you?!”

“Someone who can help you if you’re willing. Obviously, if you are convinced you’re smarter than the rest of us, then, by all means, keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe you ARE smarter than everyone else, but until you realize that doesn’t matter, you’re never going to succeed. Fundamentally, if I had to choose, I’d prefer to be treated in the ER by whoever is currently LAST in your class in medical school! Why? Because they’ll listen and try harder than you will. Not to stroke their own ego, but to actually BE a physician.

“I know all about ego. Mine’s bigger than anyone else I know, and that includes surgeons and fighter pilots! It took a long time for ME to figure this out, and I’m offering you my help. So is Doctor Adams. Take it or don’t; it’s your call. Now, I’ve said my piece, and you have to decide what to do. I’ll show you out.”

Emilee was fuming, which was exactly what I’d hoped. Only by getting under her skin could I have any hope of success. I got up and she followed me to the front door where I let her out, then went to find Jess.

“I heard you brought in the heavy artillery!” Jessica said.

“If she’s not smarter than a fifth-grader, she’s in real trouble!”

“Our fifth-grader isn’t normal!” Jess said with a smirk.

“Hey!” Ashley protested. “I heard that!”

“And you don’t want to be normal, Cinderella!” I replied. “You want to be exceptional!”

“I am exceptional!” Ashley declared, causing Kara, Jessica, and me to laugh.

“Well, come cuddle me, exceptional daughter!” I offered.

She did, which earned me a look from Birgit, but I knew Birgit would never dare say a word.

November 27, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

“How were things at the hospital today?” I asked.

“Emilee was in a very foul mood today. She lodged a complaint with Doctor Kellog, the Chief Attending.”

“And?”

“He told her that she needed to work out her problems with me on her own, and that it was part of learning to be a physician.”

“I take it you’d discussed this with him?”

“Yes. And with Dad, too. She won’t go to him, obviously. Her next step will be the Dean of the Medical School, Doctor Kingsley.”

“Have I wandered into an episode of Sesame Street brought to me by the letter ‘K’?”

Jessica laughed, “Krueger, Kellog, Kingsley - I guess so.”

“And Kayla, Kelly, and Kristy who sold the candy.”

“And who offered nookie with the nougat!”

“Caramel, and the ‘c’ sounds like a ‘k’!” I chuckled. “Anyway, what will Doctor Kingsley say?”

“The same thing. It’s not like I’m a new Resident trying to prove I have the «cojones» to give orders and make them stick. In fact, her Resident is a pussy cat. You’ve met him - Jai Patel. He’s tried his best, and you know how gentle he is.”

“Not what she needs or what she’d respond to.”

“Which he recognized, so he sent her to me. I thought about assigning her to a new Resident, but decided this wasn’t a problem of a mismatch - she’d have the same problem with anyone, and open conflict is not good.”

“Which is why you and Al decided to send her to me. I can be as confrontational as I need to be.”

“I have a very strong suspicion it’s not going to work, but I’m hopeful. She is intelligent and if she can just get past her superiority complex, I think she’ll make a fine doctor. I know Dad talked to you about how he let his ego get out of control as a Resident.”

“Yes, and how he nearly quit after his ego wrote a check his skills couldn’t cash, after being warned about it. Which is why he tries to nip this stuff in the bud.”

“We have a higher washout rate than most other medical schools, but Dad and Malik wear that like a badge of honor.”

“Which is as it should be!” I declared. “Nobody should get into your little fraternity who isn’t qualified. Of course, we don’t necessarily agree on the qualifications, nor on the training methods, but, in the end, we want the same result - excellent physicians. And I agree with you, Babe, Emilee is NOT likely to make it. If it weren’t for the risk to the patient, I’d suggest letting her do what she thinks she can do and have her fail spectacularly.”

“We don’t let Fourth Years run traumas, let alone Third Years! That starts the first day you’re a Resident. The problem is, Emilee thinks suturing and scut is beneath her.”

“I might agree with her on scut, but someone has to do it, and it’s the way your guild does things. It’s not all that different from electricians, plumbers, and carpenters - you start out as a gofer and learn the trade by observing, doing very small jobs until the journeymen and masters trust you. I mean, after all, you don’t have a doctorate, you’re just a member of a guild of skilled tradesmen!”

“Fuck you, Tiger!” Jessica said fiercely, but then laughed. “There is some truth to that, of course.”

“Of course. I did exaggerate a bit, but as you say, there is some truth to what I said.”

“Thanks for trying, Tiger.”

“It’s not quite over,” I replied. “She could have a moment of clarity.”

“You don’t really believe that.”

“No, I don’t,” I admitted.

November 28, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Birgit

“When can I test for 1st Dan?” I asked Dad on the way to the dojo on Wednesday evening.

“That’s between you and Sensei Jim,” Dad replied. “I’m not allowed to be on the promotion board, either. That will be Sensei Jim, Sensei Will, and someone from another dojo, most likely Sensei Molly.”

“Do you think I’m ready?”

“You’ve been 1st Kyu for less than a year, which is the basic rule of thumb.”

“But am I ready?” I insisted.

“Speak with Sensei Jim, please.”

Ugh. I hated when Dad wouldn’t give me an answer. I knew he had an opinion, but he was being difficult on purpose. I knew about the promotion rules, but I didn’t think that was a good enough reason to not answer my question. I also knew if I asked again, he’d likely tell Sensei Jim that I wasn’t ready because I wouldn’t accept the answer Dad thought was correct. Well, no answer. It was frustrating! I didn’t respond, because there was nothing to say, and I didn’t want to sound exasperated.

“I’d like to discuss promotion to 1st Dan,” I said to Sensei Jim when my moms, sisters, my dad, and I arrived at the dojo.

He invited me into his office, and after bowing again, we sat down.

“What did your dad say?” Sensei Jim asked.

“Nothing,” I said.

“I don’t believe that!” Sense Jim countered.

“He wouldn’t answer my question except to say that I should discuss it with you.”

“And why do you think he did that?”

‘To frustrate me!’ I wanted to say, but I knew that would end ANY chance of being promoted soon. So, instead, I took a breath and let it out slowly.

“Because he’s not allowed to sit on the promotion board.”

“That’s part of it. Why else?”

I thought about it for a minute and realized the answer.

“Because if he said I was qualified, you, Sensei Will, and Sensei Molly would feel obligated to promote me because Dad is a high-ranking instructor.”

“Correct. The only question is whether or not YOU think you’re ready, with the understanding that if you fail, it will be some time before you can attempt the test again.”

“Why?”

“Because you aren’t even sixteen, young lady. That’s the usual age when someone is considered for 1st Dan. If you truly feel that you’re ready, then we can schedule your tests. And remember, Birgit-chan, it’s not only being able to spar properly and knowing and performing your kata. You also need to know, and embrace, the principles of the «Nijū kun» and «Dōjō kun».

“Don’t answer now, but do you feel that you live your life according to those principles, and are you willing to dedicate the rest of your life to perfecting them? That is what it means to hold a Dan ranking. And that’s one reason I usually wait until students are at least sixteen. You’re much more mature than most thirteen-year-olds, which is why I’ll consider it, if you can make that commitment and stick to it.”

I was tempted to say that I would ‘take it under advisement’ but I knew that wouldn’t sound right.

“Let me think about it, please,” I said instead.

“I’ll be here when you’re ready, though after May, it’ll be Sensei Will you’ll need to speak to.”

“Yes, Sensei,” I replied.

“Then let’s join the class.”

🎤 Jesse

“Adi likes both boys and girls,” Libby said as we watched TV at her house on Wednesday night after hockey practice.

“Shocking,” I said flatly.

“Wait! You knew?!”

“I had a pretty good idea that you asking her to study with us was a pretext!”

“Jesse Block, one of these days...”

I laughed, “Mom Two keeps saying that, and yet, here I am, with no injuries and no loss of privileges!”

“You are SO like your dad!”

“Thank you!” I declared smugly.

“You know, I still wonder...”

“Ask. But you know the cost.”

“One I am absolutely unwilling to pay!” Libby said firmly. “So, what do you think of Adi?”

“So far, so good. I mean, mostly we’ve just done homework together and hung out a bit. Have you actually talked to her about it?”

“No.”

“Then, how pray tell, do you know she likes boys and girls?”

“Juliette talked to her, but Adi wasn’t interested in Juliette.”

“Do you know why?”

“Not attracted, according to Juliette. Adi is, on the other hand, attracted to you.”

“That vibe I got, but I didn’t pay any attention to it any more than Matthew paid attention to the fact that Birgit’s friend Jasmine is crushing on him.”

“He’s basically married, and I can’t see Chelsea being with a girl OR giving Matthew freedom as your dad has, or even you have.”

“Freedom I don’t particularly want.”

“Not even next Summer when you go to Sweden?”

“Hmm ... cute, blonde, blue-eyed Christian girls!”

“Well, this Jewish girl will fuck you better than any of them!”

“You know, that sounds like a challenge!”

Libby laughed, “Now you sound just like your dad.”

“Just because I don’t do it, doesn’t mean I don’t think it!” I chuckled. “I just like my life with WAY less drama.”