Chapter 30: Crazy!

November 4, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“How was Mass today?”

“The same as always, but not the same.”

“The ritual and tradition are meant to be a foundation and a touchstone. The unchanging cycle of services and the church calendar are a source of stability in a crazy world.”

“You don’t go to church!”

“I rock the crazy! Most people can’t handle it. But I have my own source of stability.”

“What’s that?”

“Karate and programming.”

And my daily propranolol I thought, but didn’t say.

“I guess karate could be like a religion,” Sarah observed.

“More spirituality than religion,” I replied. “There’s no specific faith required to be a spiritual «karateka».”

“But aren’t most of you Buddhists? I mean, you worship that shrine, right?”

I shook my head, “No. We honor the «kami» of Sensei Hiro, the founder of our school. His ashes in the shrine manifest his «kami» which is usually translated as ‘spirit’, but as I’ve studied, I think ‘essence’ is a better term because ‘spirit’ has too many implications in English. There is a distinct difference between honor or respect and worship. So, how was Mass not the same?”

“I used to go and just go through the motions - stand, sit, kneel, say the responses, listen to the readings, half-listen to the homily, sing the songs, and go to Communion. The last couple of weeks I’ve been paying more attention and wondering ‘why?’.”

“Why you go to church? Why you believe? Why they teach the things they do?”

“Yes.”

“That’s significant progress. Call it the beginning of the beginning.”

“How old were you when you started questioning?”

“Around fourteen. I quit going not long after because my mom insisted I confess something which I didn’t feel was sinful. The church disagreed and I was asked to stop receiving Communion. At that point, there was no point in going, and I started on my own path. It’s had plenty of twists and turns, and I’m only a smidgen closer to the destination from where I started.”

“After over twenty years?!”

“It’s a lifetime project, and I’m not likely to complete it before I die.”

“You don’t think we go to heaven?”

I shrugged, “I have no idea. Shakespeare called it ‘the undiscovered country’ in Hamlet, and he’s right. One thing I’m absolutely sure of, though - there is no purgatory. Sins, if such a concept really exists in the way you understand it, are either forgiven or not. If they’re forgiven, then the crucifixion was a sufficient penalty. If they aren’t forgiven, then eternal torment.”

“But you don’t seem to believe that, either.”

“Because I don’t. Sin, if that concept is going to be espoused, can only be seen as falling short of perfection, not as any kind of permanent break from God, assuming a god, or gods, exist. A demand for earthly perfection is unfulfillable, and therefore punishment for failing to achieve perfection is unjust.”

“So what do you believe?”

“I don’t know enough about the universe to answer that question; that’s why I usually say that I’m agnostic - that I do not have knowledge. I’m convinced by a combination of circumstantial and anecdotal evidence that the universe is much more complex than simply electrical, chemical, nuclear, and quantum reactions. But I can’t tell you what that is. And I don’t believe anyone can tell you - not Moses, not Jesus, not Muhammed, not Krishna, not the Buddha, not Joseph Smith, not Baháʼu’lláh, not Charles Taze Russel, not Mary Baker Eddy, and most certainly not L. Ron Hubbard!”

“OK, I know some of those, obviously, but not all.”

“Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Mormonism, Baháʼí, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Christian Scientists, and Scientology. I can throw in Aristotle, Plato, Sun Tzu, Laozi, Chen, the Nihon Shoki, the Diné Bahaneʼ, and on and on. Just for completion, that’s Daoism, the Japanese Chronicles, and the Navajo myth. And, of course, we can never forget Loki, the Norse god of change and chaos, also known as the ‘Trickster’, who seems to rule my life.”

“Is that related to what you said about ‘rocking the crazy’?”

“I fought Loki and Fate for years. I wrestled Fate to the ground and have her pinned with my knee in her back. Loki, on the other hand, I’ve embraced.”

“You don’t believe in fate?”

“I believe we make our own fate. My personification of her as ‘Fate’ is about me conquering the idea that the future is unalterable. Nothing is unalterable until it happens - when the probability waves collapse into an event.”

“Schrödinger’s cat?”

“Yes, but remember, that was a thought experiment which was meant to show the absurdity of quantum mechanics. It’s fundamentally a question of when superposition is resolved, and there are all sorts of answers, including the multiple worlds theory. To me, the entire point of Schrödinger’s thought experiment is to point out how little we actually know. I think that fits with one of the earliest written thought experiments about which we know - Plato’s allegory of the cave. Please tell me the Jesuit school you went to had you read Plato’s Republic.”

Sarah smiled, “They did, so I know that one.”

“Then I have to ask you - how do you think you know anything about anything?”

“I don’t think I paid enough attention in philosophy class.”

“No kidding,” I replied flatly.

“Why be mean?”

“Mean? That was simply me agreeing with you based on my own observations. There is literally no point in engaging in embroidery or pussyfooting or beating around the bush. It’s similar to being my personal student at the dojo. I’m a hard ass and make no apologies about that. You either deal with it or you stop being my personal student. There’s no middle ground and no negotiation.”

“But what if you’re wrong or you make a mistake?”

“Then it’s incumbent on my students to have the «cojones» to tell me, AND to defend their position logically and to my satisfaction. If you can’t do that, you have no business trying to point out what you think is an error because you can’t even articulate WHY it’s an error beyond the fact that you think or feel that it is.”

“But why be a prick about it? Sensei Jim isn’t.”

“So study with Sensei Jim if that suits you. That’s his style. It’s not mine. Will, who’s going to be master of the dojo beginning next Summer, has a different style from both Sensei Jim and me.”

“I don’t understand that. You’re the most senior instructor besides Sensei Jim. Why won’t it be you?”

I laughed, “Because I’m too much of a prick to be in charge of the dojo.”

“But you don’t treat everyone that way.”

“Because the first rule of being a leader is to be an excellent follower. I am not in charge, therefore, I do things the way Sensei Jim wants them done. And when Will is «shihan», I’ll do them the way Will wants them done. I’ll give advice, but I won’t decide how things will be done. That said, I have found students who DO want the kind of spiritual, mental, and physical discipline I offer. And that appears to include you. So, the choice is yours - soft or hard.”

Sarah laughed, “Hard, obviously! And it’s not you being a prick...”

I laughed, “Nice. Here’s a funny thing about English - we call wimps ‘pussies’ even though pussies can take hours of pounding, bleed for several days every month, and are basically ready for action at all times if the mood suits the owner. We call someone being a ‘hard-ass’ a ‘prick’, despite the fact that pricks go soft after a relatively short time and aren’t immediately ready for action!”

“That’s just too funny! And it does lead to a question - when is your prick going to pound my pussy?”

Sarah’s language had changed quite a bit in the roughly nine weeks she’d been at school, and I considered that a plus, and a likely result of the Risky Business quote I’d wanted her to internalize.

“Being able to say it is a good beginning,” I replied. “But you still have two weeks before you’re entitled to an answer to that question, which is still ‘if’ not ‘when?’. And you owe me an answer to how you’ve resolved the contradiction.”

Sarah smiled, “We’re well past ‘if’. You want it. I want it. And as soon as I come up with a satisfactory answer to your question, you’re going to fuck my brains out and I’m going to do the best to wear you out!”

“And you know from your copious experience?”

“Even Catholic girls talk about sex!” Sarah declared.

And, at least in the past, when they left home for college, one of their primary goals was to act on all that talking. There was a reason why my friends at Theta Xi had most of their ‘Little Sisters’ from Catholic schools like Rosary College and Loyola University.

“It’s still ‘if’,” I replied. “We’ll worry about that in a couple of weeks. How is your reading going?”

“There are a lot of parallels between your life and Valentine Michael Smith, though you weren’t born on Mars.”

“So far as you know!”

“WERE you born on Mars?”

“No.”

“Then as I said!” Sarah declared triumphantly. “Instead of ‘water brothers’ you have ‘sauna brothers’. That’s where you used to have your most intimate conversations with my sister.”

I really wished Michelle hadn’t shared so much with Sarah, but there wasn’t anything I could do to change that. And of the things that gave me pause about being with Sarah, that was probably the biggest. In the case of the siblings, both nature and nurture were very close - same parents, same church, same Catholic elementary school, same Jesuit High School, and same university. Their experiences were somewhat different, as they had different friends and the world had changed, but fundamentally, deep-down, they both started in the same place. I saw differences, but that didn’t allay my concerns.

“It’s in your best interest to set aside anything Michelle might have said to you. I’m a very different person from who I was when Michelle and I were involved, and you are a different person from the Michelle with whom I was involved and the Michelle who spoke to you after our relationship ended. That makes her observations suspect at best.”

“Even facts?”

“There’s a difference between reporting an action and reporting what the person was thinking or feeling, or what the action meant. So, to use your example, she could tell you that we used the sauna together, and that we were naked. What she can’t tell you with any accuracy, is how I felt. And even if she could, I’m not the same person I was then. That was before my trip to Japan, before my friend Jorge’s death, and before the doctors figured out how to control my body’s response to my endocrinological oddities combined with my mild bipolar condition.”

“May I make an observation?”

“Of course.”

“I had no idea it would be this difficult to lose my virginity!”

“It’s not. I guarantee that you could have sex today if you wanted to. The more accurate statement is that you didn’t expect it would be this difficult to lose your virginity to me.”

“True.”

“So, keep reading, keep going to church, and in two weeks you can ask, assuming you can convince me that you’ve resolved your contradiction.”

“Not an easy thing.”

“No, it’s not.”

I heard people begin to arrive for Philosophy Club so Sarah and I left my study and went to the great room. As usual, we started promptly at 2:00pm.

“Patriot Act?” Elizabeth asked.

“Good guess!” I chuckled.

“One more reason to dislike the Bush Family?”

“One more reason to dislike the Federal government! You know my take on politicians - I’m a suspicious bastard by nature and a complete skeptic about anything they say. I default to assuming they’re scum so I’m pleasantly surprised on the rare occasions they aren’t, and never disappointed when they are.”

“So, not disappointed?”

I shook my head, “No. Disgusted is more like it. I wrote down some of the worst of it. They’ve redefined terrorism in a way that is far too broad, and includes any actions that are ‘dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the United States or of any State’ and which are intended to ‘intimidate or coerce a civilian population, influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion, or are undertaken to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction, assassination, or kidnapping’. But, it gets worse, because terrorism is now included in the definition of ‘racketeering’. It specifically includes kidnapping as ‘terrorist activity’. Think about those last two.”

“The Outfit could be charged as terrorists!” Jackson said. “Wow!”

“Worse,” I replied. “A custody dispute could result in terrorist charges!”

“I can’t believe that!” Astrid protested.

I shrugged, “RICO was only supposed to apply to the Mafia and similar organizations.”

“He’s right,” Patricia said. “RICO now applies to anyone, and the asset forfeiture changes also make it easier to seize money for ‘planning to commit a terrorist act’. And remember, those are ad rem - against the thing, so you have to prove that you weren’t planning a terrorist act to get the money back.”

“We’re very concerned about how the ‘damage’ to computer equipment affecting medical examination, treatment, or diagnosis will apply,” I said. “All it takes is one overzealous prosecutor like Robert Mueller, and NIKA could be in a world of hurt.”

“Doesn’t it require intent?” Neil asked.

“The law pretty much no longer recognizes mens rea,” Patricia replied. “Almost everything is dealt with as if it were ‘strict liability’ even if the statute doesn’t really say that. The logic is that if you did a thing, you intended to do the thing, and if you intended to do the thing, you intended to do it for a reason which the law does not permit. Trying to use your intent as a defense is a losing proposition in nearly every case.”

“Self-defense?” Nickie asked.

“Exceedingly difficult to prove, and depends on the jury or judge you draw. Some states require you to retreat if at all possible, and by ‘possible’, some judges and juries mean ANY chance, even if it was unlikely to be successful.”

“And despite what I stated before,” I said, “I’m much more concerned about the secret surveillance provisions, including Section 202 which authorizes the interception of wire, oral, and electronic communications relating to computer fraud and abuse, and the fact that those warrants can be secret. And that includes us not being able to tell a client that we received a warrant. And worse, nationwide warrants can be issued, which means a court in California could issue a warrant executed in Illinois. That’s NEVER been possible before.”

“That’s a potential nightmare,” Cindi added. “Patricia, would it be legal for us to put a statement on our website that said we’ve never been served and then delete it if we were?”

“I have NO idea!” Patricia said, shaking her head. “It might be, but I don’t think the government would be amused by that solution, and I know Steve does his best to avoid all unnecessary imperial entanglements.”

“And I’ve been instructed by my Consigliere to stop tweaking the government at every opportunity. I’ll leave that to Birgit from now on!”

“You HAVE to show us that tape!” Ben demanded.

I laughed and nodded, then got up and put the ‘Birgit v FBI’ tape into the VCR, turned on the TV, and pressed ‘play’.

Everyone enjoyed Birgit schooling the FBI agent, and there were lots of laughs. When the tape finished, I rewound it, ejected it, then turned off the TV and VCR.

“That was priceless!” Elizabeth declared.

“Which is why I saved it. I do want to comment on one other aspect of the Patriot Act and that is what Congressman John Conyers said about the accusation that nobody had actually read the entire bill. He admitted they don’t read most bills, then asked rhetorically what it would entail if they read every bill they passed. He answered his own question by saying it would ‘slow down the legislative process’.”

“As if that were a BAD thing!” Suzanne declared.

“Exactly. So, orchestrated a bill which makes massive changes, which nobody read, of which we don’t know all the provisions, but which clearly violates our civil liberties. Patricia’s gang at the ACLU is going to be ridiculously busy for years and years.”

November 6, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

“Dad, there’s a Sheriff Emily Nelson on the phone for you,” Birgit announced on Tuesday evening just before bedtime.

I chuckled, “That means she won the election today.”

I got up from the couch and went to my study to take the call.

“Congratulations!” I said.

“Thanks! I figured I’d call my biggest contributors to say a personal ‘thank you’.”

“You’re welcome! How big was the win?”

“They’ve counted about eighty percent of the votes and I have seventy-five percent to twenty percent and five percent for the other two candidates.”

“So can I get one of those Sheriff’s stickers that will cause police cars to ignore me?”

She laughed, “If you come to Harding County, I promise handcuffs, a nightstick, and maximum police brutality!”

“Flirt!” I chuckled.

“You know it! Paul, Liz, and Lou all send their best! They’re at the victory party.”

“Say ‘Hi’ for me. I’m not sure when I’ll get out that way, but I’ll do my best for the Spring.”

“Say ‘Hi!’ to Winter for me!”

“Will do! Congrats again, Sheriff Nelson!”

“Thanks!”

We said ‘goodbye’ and I hung up, then helped my wives get the kids to bed before they, Suzanne, and I watched the first episode of 24, a techno-thriller starring Kiefer Sutherland. It required some serious suspension of disbelief, but I liked the ‘events occur in real-time’ aspect of the show. When it finished, the four of us went to the sauna.

“What’s our percentage of your investment in the Sheriff’s Department?” Kara asked after the steam started rising from the water I’d ladled onto the hot stones.

I chuckled, “50/50 on all bribes and graft Emmy takes. In other words, zero!”

“Steve’s payoff was doing the fucking rather than being fucked by law enforcement!” Jessica teased.

“She’s your only cop, right?” Suzanne asked.

“Yes. And there isn’t likely to be another. The last thing I want to do is invite a cop into my life in any way.”

“Has anything more come of that incident at Union Station?” Kara asked.