Chapter 28: A true statement, but not the truth.

October 28, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

As I thought about it, Sarah, who now had her arms crossed and was glaring at me, had a good point. While I had provided what I felt were more than sufficient clues, inferences, and direct statements for her to work it out for herself, I hadn’t said it expressly, which I felt I now needed to do.

“You aren’t ready for what you want at this point.”

“What?!” she screeched in outrage. “You HYPOCRITE! YOU said the only person who can make that decision is ME!”

I understood her objection, and she almost had a point; almost.

I shook my head, “No, I’m not a hypocrite. Let me say it a different way - I don’t believe you’re ready to have sex with me.”

“And why is that?” she snarled.

“Fundamentally, because you have no idea who you are. It’s more than that, but that’s sufficient for me to believe you aren’t ready.”

“But that’s not your decision to make!”

“Sure it is. Just as you’re free to make the decision to have sex, so am I. And if we get right down to it, YOU came to me with the belief that I owed you sex, and you could have it simply for the asking. Well, let me be blunt - nobody, and I mean nobody, can owe another person sex, nor commit irrevocably to having sex.”

Sarah’s shoulders slumped and I realized I’d gotten through to her, at least a little bit.

“I guess that’s true,” she admitted after a moment’s silence. “And I suppose there’s no way back.”

“I don’t believe there are any unforgivable sins, and everyone has an opportunity at redemption. That said, there are rarely third chances for the same error. That’s not to imply you have to be perfect, but any stumbles along the way need to be because you’re making progress, not because you’re lapsing into behavior or thinking you know to be erroneous.”

“Wait!” Sarah protested. “So you both can and can’t make the same mistake again?”

“It depends on the transgression. For things which are black and white, like betrayal or cheating or stealing, a third chance is very unlikely because trust has been destroyed. For what I might call ‘misdemeanors’, then you can make mistakes, so long as you’re moving in the right direction. But that’s almost always about thoughts, not actions.”

“So what do I have to do?”

“That’s a question only you can answer.”

“That makes no sense! How can I answer the question about YOUR thinking?”

“When you know the answer to that question, you’ll be ready to ask for what you want, if you still want it at that point. If there’s one thing I’ve tried to impress upon you, it’s that your approach is entirely wrong. But more importantly, your perception of reality is wrong, and that stems from your perception of yourself being woefully inadequate.”

“My perception of myself?”

“Do you remember from the Philosophy Club meeting why Socrates finally agreed he was the wisest person in the city?”

“Because he admitted he knew nothing, right?”

“Yes. And what did he say that I’ve adopted as my basic approach to life?”

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

“Exactly. So now you know where to start.”

“Agreeing with you that I don’t know anything?”

“Not agreeing with me, but understanding and embracing it. Begin with epistemology.”

“I don’t know that word.”

“It’s the philosophical study of knowledge and is meant to answer the question ‘how do we know what we know?’. Until you answer THAT question, you can’t claim to even know something provisionally. You have to be able to defend why you believe something to be true. May I give an example of what I mean?”

“Sure,” she said, moving to sit in one of the leather chairs.

“Why are you Roman Catholic?”

“Do you mean as opposed to being Protestant?”

“As opposed to being anything else or nothing.”

“Is this where I’m supposed to say that I don’t know?”

I smiled, “Maybe. But I bet I know.”

“How could you?”

“Your reaction to my suggestion that you read the Lotus Sutra and things you’ve said. Let me tell you what I believe to be the case. Your family was a traditional Roman Catholic, so you were baptized as a baby, which is the norm. You went to a parochial elementary school, were confirmed, and then went to Roman Catholic High School. At every step of the way, you were told how to think, how to act, and what to believe, and you never questioned it, not even once. How close am I?”

“Pretty darn close.”

“That was true until you came here, with the intent of fucking, but without having considered what that actually meant besides a penis going into a vagina. When we spoke, I discovered that your faith is actually extremely weak because you had never once considered WHY you believed or if what people had taught you was actually true. Remember, at first, you flat out refused to even read something which might challenge your faith.”

Sarah nodded, “All of that is true.”

“Then you know what you need to do next, right?”

“Yes, I think so. Will you answer a question?”

“Of course.”

“Is getting your penis in my vagina in the realm of realistic possibilities?”

“Ask yourself this question - is that the right question? And if so, is that what you really want, or is it perhaps a side benefit of what you really want and you’re focused on the wrong goal?”

Sarah cocked her head then smiled, “I remember something that was said during Philosophy Club - for you, sex is about bonding with women with whom you are already intimate. So my goal ought to be establishing intimacy, and if there is real intimacy between us, I won’t HAVE to ask.”

“Correct.”

“So, explain the two girls last night?”

“YOU explain the two girls last night.”

Sarah was silent for a good five minutes before she spoke again.

“I don’t know for sure, but I’m going to guess it has to do with how I initially approached you. I strongly suspect those girls just wanted to fuck, which is NOT how I approached it. And because I approached it as more than just casual sex, that set the bar MUCH higher.”

“Not bad for eight weeks, considering where you started. It took me a good ten years to get to the point where you are now.”

“Why?”

“Mostly because I didn’t take advantage of available mentors the way I should have. My trip to Japan was the watershed event.”

“And now you’re teaching others.”

“I’d prefer to say that we’re all on the same path, and that some of us are a bit further down the path and have cleared the way and set markers. But that path might not be exactly the one you need, so you might have to move off the marked path for your own alternate way, using the collective wisdom that’s been imparted to forge your own way.”

“I finished the book, and I want to read something else while I think more about it. What should I read?”

“I haven’t recommended Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. before, but Kara read it when she was trying to resolve some struggles with her interior life before we married. It was generally meant for younger girls when it was written, but I think you’ll find it helpful. Times have changed so much since the 60s that even someone your age will likely find it helpful.”

“OK. Can I ask a question about skepticism?”

“Sure.”

“I read that it denies all possibility of knowledge, but you don’t seem to believe that.”

“That’s one school,” I replied, “but the one I more closely follow holds that we should suspend judgment because of the inadequacy of evidence. In other words, I understand that what I believe might be wrong, and as such, believe it provisionally, until more evidence comes along to confirm or refute it. That’s the very basis of the scientific method - everything, including things we know to be ‘true’, can be challenged.

“Fundamentally, if someone tells you that the science is ‘settled’ they have no clue what science even is! Remember, the best we can do is measure and observe, and report our measurements and observations and draw conclusions from them. The example I like to use is Newtonian mechanics versus quantum mechanics, where how we observe and measure determines what we can ‘know’. I also like to use the example of gravity - we know it exists, but we don’t know for sure how it works.

“Another example is materials science, which is what Kara spends a lot of her time researching. She had an experiment over the Summer which didn’t conform to expectations. In other words, the previous observations were insufficient to properly predict the properties of the new material. As she said, when I asked, finding something unexpected wasn’t bad, it was different.”

“One of your concerns was that I was too certain about what I believed, and combining that with what you felt was behavior inconsistent with my belief, you pushed back.”

“Bingo,” I replied. “Remember, you still need to work out the contradictions in wanting to fuck and your belief that adultery is a mortal sin, proscribed by the Ten Commandments.”

“I’m going to ask a question that I should have asked way back in the beginning - why don’t you think adultery is wrong?”

“What society considers adultery, my wives and I consider a normal part of our marriage. I’m faithful to my commitments to them, and they to theirs to me. Sexual exclusiveness isn’t part of our agreement, so words like ‘fornication’ or ‘adultery’ don’t carry the same meaning they do for others, including you. I consider cheating or unfaithfulness to be wrong without resorting to pejorative words about sex. You don’t actually have to have sex, of any kind, to cheat or to be unfaithful. All it takes is violating the commitments you made. And I won’t be a party to that.”

“I really did approach this in about as wrong a way as I possibly could have approached it.”

“So, understand the lesson, figure out how to apply it to your life, and move forward.”

“One more question before I go.”

“Sure.”

“How did you stay so calm when I was standing naked in here?”

“Because of another important lesson you need to learn. Nudity does not imply sex, and it should never imply sex. Once you understand that, not reacting is the default. Over the years we’ve used the sauna to drive that lesson home, and that’s what we demonstrated with the naked rap session. Some guys had reactions, but those same guys eventually got used to being naked in mixed company. My kids have never had that problem because we’ve used the sauna naked for their entire lives. They’re annoyed when they have to wear bathing suits because other parents object. Mostly the other kids don’t object. Remember, modesty has to be taught; being naked is our natural state.”

“Philosophy Club next week, right?”

“Yes.”

“OK to stay after and talk?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’m going to head back to campus. I’ll stop at Border’s on the way and get the book.”

“You’re making progress, Sarah. Just keep it up.”

She laughed softly, “I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to do that!”

I was sure she would, IF she got to the point where she could solve her internal contradictions in a reasonable way. We left my study, I walked her to the door, and after she went down the steps and turned south, I turned and went back inside. I found Suzanne, Leigh, and Natalie in the sunroom and asked Leigh if she’d join me in my study.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“How would you like your first mentoring assignment?”

“Who?”

“Sarah York. I think she needs a bit of guidance from someone who’s gone through the program.”

Leigh smiled, “I can do that. Are you two...”

“No. She asked, but she’s not really ready for that.”

“And I’m the fluffer?” Leigh asked with a smirk.

I laughed, hard, for a good minute.

“No,” I said when I finally got control of my laughter. “How do YOU know that term?”

Leigh smirked, “Names have to be changed to protect the seriously guilty!”

“I’m going to take a wild guess - Penny.”

Leigh laughed and shook her head, “You are unreal! How did you know?”

“Because I know Penny! I also saw you talking to her last night. I have to ask the context.”

“When you disappeared with Kim, Penny wanted to know if Nickie was the ‘fluffer’. I had no clue what that meant, so she had to explain.”

“Only Penny! Anyway, no, and please stay away from that topic with Sarah as much as possible. As with everyone else, she has to work things out for herself, and to my satisfaction.”

“She’s not really ready to be an adult, is she?”

I snorted, “Penny or Sarah?”

Leigh laughed, “I meant Sarah!”

“No, she’s not ready. When she first showed up, I’d have said Ashley was more mature, though Sarah has improved somewhat. Just befriend her, if you would. She’ll be at the next Philosophy Club meeting.”

“By your command!”

“I read a rumor that there’s a remake of that series being discussed.”

“Hopefully not based on the second season!” Leigh exclaimed.

“I might actually contemplate a nuclear strike on Hollywood if that happened!”

“That?! THAT would have you think about nuking Hollywood?”

“Hey, it was the travesty of my High School years! Jesse felt we should burn the DVDs rather than return them to Netflix to keep other people from being subjected to pure drek!”

Leigh shook her head and laughed softly, “You two are a real trip! Do you have Sarah’s dorm phone number?”

“No, but I think Suzanne has it.”

“OK. I’ll get it from her.”

We left my office and Leigh went back to the sunroom while I went to the kitchen to begin preparing dinner.

October 29, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

On Monday morning, Penny and I each began our new roles. It was going to be odd not having her in my office for six months, but I knew it was painful for her. My first order of business was to make a call that Stephanie had requested I make.

“Hi, Steve,” Samantha said when she picked up her private line.

“Morning. My turn for a draft pick.”

“If you say the words ‘Trudy Spencer’, I’m going to put a hit out on you!”

I laughed, “No, not Trudy.”

I couldn’t actually do that because it would violate the rules I’d agreed with Liz.

“Who?”

“Actually, I need you to tell me. Given my new role, we need to clone Kimmy. I checked with my doctor cabal, and cloning isn’t a viable option, so we need one of your Executive Assistants to basically do much of what Kimmy was doing for Stephanie, plus pitch in for other things.”

“Why are you calling, not Stephanie?”

“She doesn’t handle favors; that’s all on me.”

“Hmm...” Samantha teased. “My husband is away...”

I chuckled, “And if I didn’t know you were teasing, and didn’t have a problem with cheating, it STILL wouldn’t happen because I would never do that to a Navy man on active duty away from his wife. I don’t know much that would be lower than that!”

“Honor and duty over everything. Anyway, given our salary structure, it’ll need to be someone from the admin side of the firm.”

“I assumed.”

“Either Roberta Ellsworth or Pamela Newton. Both have been with us for about five years. Your sister will know them, at least by name.”

“OK. I’ll have Stephanie call them. Send me a note waiving the non-solicitation agreement, please.”

Samantha laughed, “Keeping it kosher for Boring Bob?”

“You, too?”

“Blame Terry. You know things are different here because literally every person is under scrutiny from the SEC, CFTC, or one of the other regulatory agencies. Crack and hookers used to get a pass, but not much else. And those no longer get a pass on company time. And anyone who comes to work under the influence is toast!”

“But no random piss tests, right?”

“No. I agree with you on that. We’re all adults, and what we do on our own time is fine, so long as it doesn’t affect work.”

“Thanks for the draft picks!”

“I think I’m way behind on who owes whom!” Samantha declared.

“And you know it’s not a balance sheet like that,” I replied.

“True.”

We said ‘goodbye’ and I hung up, I dialed my sister’s number and gave her the two names and she promised to call both potential candidates later in the day. My next order of business was to do what Liz had insisted I do - call the female vice cop and ‘make nice’ with her. I really didn’t want to do it because I really didn’t want a relationship with anyone in law enforcement, except for Pete. But, I had promised, so I had to bite the bullet, so to speak. I dialed the number and she answered on the first ring.

“Richman.”

“Steve Adams.”

“Reading me off last Thursday wasn’t enough?” she asked testily. “You called to pile on even more?”

“No, I’m calling to apologize for being a jerk.”

“I checked up on you, Steve Adams. And while I can’t get the details, it does seem as if the FBI has had it in for you for twenty years. And, believe it or not, after I thought about what we did to you, I could understand why you were so upset.”

“Even so, the way I spoke to you was disrespectful and inappropriate, and I wouldn’t speak that way to my own children.”

“Although you do sound like a kid who is being made to apologize.”

“Busted,” I chuckled. “Someone close to me was concerned about the way I responded to your call. But I actually agree with the advice, so please accept it as sincere, because it is.”

“Buy me a beer and I will.”

“You do realize I have a serious aversion to law enforcement, right?”

“Does that include cute blondes who can pass for sixteen?”

“You didn’t actually pass for sixteen, Officer Julie!”

“I spent two weeks in a High School last year pretending to be a Sophomore to bust two kids distributing Ecstasy and meth.”

I chuckled, “If you were wearing those faded jeans and that midriff-baring halter top, no teenage boy on the planet would have been looking at your eyes! I, on the other hand, have much more discerning tastes, and understand that the eyes are, as the proverb says, a window to the soul.”

“Which is how you knew I wasn’t sixteen.”

“No sixteen-year-old I’ve ever met has the steely eyes I saw in Union Station.”