Chapter 18: Their Royal Highnesses Would Agree With You!

October 14, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“Satisfied?” I asked as we left the NIKA apartment.

“If I say ‘no’ will you take me back inside and fuck me again until I am?”

“If you’re telling the truth, yes!”

“I’m tempted to lie...”

“We’ll be together again, I promise.”

“How does that work?”

“It all depends on how we structure our relationship. We could, for example, have a regular thing after each Saturday study session, if you wanted.”

“Sold!” Hope declared.

“Just remember that I need to be flexible because of my commitments. For example, next weekend I’ll be gone on Saturday, so we’ll need to have our study session on Sunday evening, unless you want to skip.”

“You’re going to LA, right?”

“Yes.”

“When on Sunday?”

“It would have to be in the evening, say around 8:00pm.”

“That would work. Can I ask you something?”

“You don’t have to ask if you can ask. As I said, I may choose not to answer, but I won’t ever be upset.”

“Are you disappointed I decided not to do everything in that chapter of the book?”

“Not at all! I had the extreme pleasure and distinct privilege of fucking a sexy virgin teenager who gave me two awesome blowjobs and swallowed my cum! And who enjoyed both being and making a sundae! I’d be a complete idiot to be disappointed in any way, shape, or form!”

“And I had the privilege of having a sexy, experienced guy powerfully deflower me, fuck me multiple times, pleasure me with his lips, tongue, and fingers, and I got to sleep in his arms! I’d call it a ‘win-win’ scenario!”

“Those are the best!”

We arrived back at the house in time for lunch and I encountered a very cross young lady who had missed her regularly scheduled cuddle time. I made up for it after lunch by cuddling her until Sarah arrived at 2:00pm as we’d agreed. Birgit went across the street to the Khans’ while I took Sarah to my study.

“How was your week?” I asked.

“OK,” Sarah replied. “I started reading the book and watched the movie.”

“And?”

She smiled, “If you can’t say it, you can’t do it.”

“That was the line I had in mind. How far did you get into the book?”

“Just the first chapter.”

“What did you learn?”

“I was thoroughly confused.”

“That’s not uncommon. Can you describe what happened, in general terms?”

“There was some kind of religious gathering and someone named Shaky ... something was in a trance, and there was an earthquake. One of the students makes a speech and says that the main guy was going to teach them.”

“The main guy is the Buddha. One of his names was Shakyamuni, meaning ‘Sage of the Shakyas’. His given name is usually said to be Siddhārtha Gautama, who is called the Buddha. Do you remember the last line in the chapter?”

“No.”

“On the bookshelf behind you, second shelf from the top, on the left, is my copy of the book. Get it, please.”

Sarah got up and went to the shelf, found the book, then came back to her chair and sat down.

“Turn to the end of the first chapter, and read verse 100.”

“And if some should feel doubt, uncertainty, or misgiving in any respect, then the Wise One shall remove it for his children, the Bodhisattvas here striving after enlightenment.”

“Tell me what you think that means.”

“Like in general or specifically to my situation?”

“Either of those answers can help you, but applying it to your situation would help the most.”

“I have a feeling that the obvious answer isn’t the right one.”

“What’s the obvious answer?”

“Not to be concerned about being confused.”

“You’re very close. Read it again a few times, silently.”

She did, then looked up.

“That if I’m seeking ‘enlightenment’, being confused is OK, because you’ll guide me through it.”

“So, now, remember what I said about confusion?”

“That it’s the beginning of clarity.”

“And what I said about not knowing?”

“That it’s the beginning of wisdom.”

“So, do those make more sense now? At least somewhat?”

“Yes.”

“So, has reading the book hurt or helped you?”

“Helped, obviously,” Sarah replied.

“So your objection to reading it? What do you say about that at this point?”

“Foolish, I guess.”

“And?”

“I’m ready to admit I’m confused and that I don’t know nearly as much as I thought I did.”

“About?”

“The world. Myself. Everything.”

“So, what is it you’re seeking?”

“The answer YOU want me to say or the one I want to say?” Sarah asked, sounding slightly exasperated.

“What is it you think I want you to say?” I asked.

“That I’m seeking enlightenment.”

“And what you want to say?”

“I want you to mindfuck me and fuck me. Open my eyes and open my thighs! Blow my mind let me blow your...”

I laughed, “You can be sassy! But that leads us right back to the concern about the contradictions between your faith and your desire to fornicate and commit adultery.”

“Don’t I have to reconsider everything I believe?”

“Which doesn’t mean discarding everything, just re-evaluating. May I propose a way forward?”

“Sure.”

“Finish reading the Lotus Sutra, go to church each Sunday, then ask me again in four weeks, if you still want what you asked for before.”

“Church? Why?”

“You need to decide how you’re going to resolve your internal contradictions. Going to church, praying, going to confession, and partaking of Communion are part of that.”

“Confession? Seriously?”

“Make a perfect confession or don’t,” I said. “But know why you decided to do it or not to do it.”

“You don’t think I know what I want?”

“I think you’re conflicted. And I want you to resolve those conflicts in your interior life before you do something that will seriously impact that interior life.”

“Are you talking about sex? Or about being your student?”

“Yes.”

“And that requires going to church?”

“Nothing I say requires you to do anything. I’m giving you my opinion and my advice on how to move towards what you’re seeking. But remember, there is no guarantee of success, at least in the way you’d measure it at this point.”

“How would you measure it?”

“Growth in your awareness of self and of the world, or in terms of that verse from the Lotus Sutra, progress towards enlightenment.”

“You know pretty much any guy at UofC I asked would have sex with me.”

“But you didn’t ask pretty much any guy, did you? You asked me. And that’s because it isn’t about having sex in general, it’s about having sex with me. That’s what you want, not some random encounter. If you just wanted to have sex, you’d have done it, either back home or here. In other words, you have a specific agenda, though I suspect you don’t even understand it. And THAT is why I suggested this course of action.”

“You think I might change my mind?”

“I propose that you don’t even know your mind, and THAT is the true source of your confusion. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t truly know anyone else, or in fact, know anything about anything. And knowing yourself is a lifelong journey of discovery.”

“Why do I feel that no matter what I do, you’re never going to be satisfied. You’re just going to move the goalposts.”

“I haven’t moved the goalposts since day one because there is no way to move them. The goal is, as it always has been, enlightenment. As for being satisfied, you’re mistaken. It’s about the journey, not the destination. Live for the climb, not the summit. It’s your skills as a climber that matter, not achieving the summit.”

“Wait, but isn’t that the goal?”

“You think about the answer to that question, and we’ll discuss it next time. Remember, I’ll be in LA next weekend, so we probably won’t have a chance to get together.”

“What about the Philosophy Club?”

“Elizabeth has been the usual leader when I’m away, though it’s up to Suzanne and the Inner Circle. If everything works out, I’ll arrive home just after it ends, but given the way air travel is at the moment, I most likely won’t be home before 6:00pm.”

“Before we finish, would you tell me what my chances of success are?”

“That’s not up to me,” I replied.

“Wait a minute! No matter what rhetorical tricks you use, you have to decide!”

“You’re approaching this completely wrong,” I replied. “And this is an important lesson for karate. Up to 1st Dan, the first rank for a black belt, it’s all about being able to perform your kata, «kihon», and «kumite». If you don’t remember, those are the standard forms, the standard strikes and blocks, and sparring. It’s a purely objective set of tests, as there are specific things which can be judged. Do them well enough, and you pass, barring any discipline problems. A student with sufficient discipline and dedication can achieve that in two years, though three is more usual. It took me five.”

“Five years? You?!” Sarah gasped.

“Me.”

“Why?”

“Lack of self-discipline and lack of dedication. I was, as Sensei Jim has said, an immature, self-centered, unteachable, insufferable git. Now, think about that statement and what had to happen for me to advance.”

“At this point, please just make your point,” Sarah said, sounding frustrated.

“If I was unteachable, there was literally nothing Sensei Jim could do. He couldn’t really help me in any way. Sure, he could show me the forms and strikes, but that’s not sufficient to actually be a karateka. I moved up, slowly, and learned how to learn. Eventually, I was in a place where I could actually be taught and internalize the precepts of the «Dōjō kun» and the «Shōtōkan nijū kun». That got me to 1st Dan.”

“So you think I’m unteachable?”

“What would you say about someone who refused to read a book?”

Sarah frowned, “I suppose that’s accurate.”

“Now, the next lesson is even MORE important. I never wanted to be an instructor, never tried to be an instructor, and never, ever even thought about being 6th Dan.”

“But you did all those things!”

“Yes. And I know someone who desires nothing more than to be an instructor, and to advance in rank, and has done everything in their power to advance, and yet has not. The lesson there is, the more you want something, and the more you strive to get it, the more difficult and out of reach it becomes.”

“Another contradiction? If you want it you can’t have it?”

“Advancing past 1st Dan is about your interior life, your ability to lead and teach, and your commitment to the dojo, to your «shihan», and to yourself. And, awarding of those Dan is purely subjective - there are no specific tests.”

“I’m missing the point,” Sarah said, clearly frustrated.

“When there are no objective criteria, there is but one thing to do - seek to improve yourself. Each day, resolve to improve, to take another step along the path.”

“I’m not seeing how this contradicts what I said about you deciding.”

“There’s a difference between judging objective skills and recognizing the qualities necessary to teach. If you have them, they’ll be obvious to your «shihan», and to others.”

Sarah shook her head, “I’m still not seeing a difference.”

I shrugged, “Maybe there isn’t one, but in the end, the only thing you can do is work to improve yourself. Worry more about incremental improvement than achieving a specific goal. Or, to put in terms of the Christian Scriptures - don’t worry about tomorrow, each day has enough challenges of its own.”

“But don’t you have goals?”

“To improve myself, and the world around me.”

“Nothing specific?”

“I’ve achieved two of my three specific goals in life; the third one is now out of my hands.”

“Will you tell me?”

“The first two - to marry and have children - have been accomplished. I’ve done all I can towards the third - to have grandchildren. There is literally nothing more I can do there except hope that I’ve created the right conditions.”

“Seven kids? I would think so!”

“And yet, you never know what might happen down the road. And, yes, even if I die, I’ll very likely have grandchildren, but that’s not the way I meant it. I want to see them, and if the universe is kind, my great-grandkids. Now, I’ve given you plenty to think about, and I’d like you to do that. And, yes, it’s entirely possible I’m completely wrong, and I’m open to someone correcting me. That’s part of what the Philosophy Club is about.”

“Has that actually happened?”

“All the time,” I replied. “More at work than with regard to social issues or worldview, but my worldview, and my approach to life have both changed as a result of input from others. If we get to that point, you’ll hear about some of those transformations. But, getting to that point is up to you. To rephrase James, you say that you are ready, and I say great! Now, show me you’re ready.”

Sarah’s eyes twinkled and she smiled slyly. She stood up, looked me directly in the eyes, and began removing her clothes. I was tempted to stop her, but I understood she was making a point, and it was related to her sister’s behavior nearly ten years in the past. Just under a minute later, she stood naked before me. I made a point of looking her up and down, taking note of her lithe body, her small breasts, and a triangle of black pubic hair.

“Very nice,” I said appreciatively. “Now please get dressed and we’ll discuss what you’ve figured out in four weeks.”

Sarah frowned slightly, but began dressing. Her tactic was never going to work, and I suspected she knew that, but it was up to her to voice what she was feeling at this point. I was still very much on the fence about her, though I wasn’t leaning so hard towards ‘no’ as I have been before. I was still concerned about her interior life and the innate contradictions with which she had not come to grasp. The ball was squarely in her court, and how she handled the next four weeks would determine which of the many possible ways forward came to pass.

“Sarah,” I said as she pulled her polo over her head, “you’re a beautiful young woman. And I appreciate what you communicated by what you did, but it’s very, very important to follow the advice I’ve given you. Figure out who you are, THEN we can have a serious discussion about the way forward.”

She finished dressing, and we left my study. I walked her to the front door, we said ‘goodbye’, and she headed back to the dorms at UofC. I went to find my wives who were in the ‘Indian’ room, lounging on the floor cushions. They moved so I could lie down between them, and then they shifted so we could cuddle.

“Well, unless you bent her over your desk for a quickie, she didn’t achieve her goal,” Kara observed.

“Not my style,” I replied. “But, that said, she’s in the on-deck circle, at least with regard to being my karate student. She still has too many internal contradictions to do the other thing she wants.”

“Her weak faith?”

“Yes. It was precisely because of Michelle’s strong faith that she could do what we did together, and as strange as it sounds, making love with me was a necessary step on her faith journey. The same was true about going to the monastery, which was of the same character as me going to Japan. The only error Michelle made was her judgment about how much she could change me and my situation.”

“You no longer think you made an error?” Jessica asked.

“No. Michelle helped prepare me for what happened in Japan. I needed someone to push me, hard, on spirituality, and she did. It didn’t go the way she’d hoped, but it was serious progress on my part. I’m grateful to her for that. And, in the end, the strength of her faith led her to do something she felt she could never do after having been with me - marry and make love with another man.”

“Interesting,” Kara observed. “In the past, you saw her marrying as a concession to reality, and a compromise of her values.”

“My thinking has evolved a bit in that regard. As weird as it sounds, and as much drama as was involved, Michelle is a very, very strong person. But to recognize that, and to internalize that, she had to go through the trials and tribulations, which included the struggle she had with her desire to make love with me. Remember, long before that, she had the strength of will and character, and the certainty about her faith, to be able to participate in Kara’s exercise in exhibitionism and voyeurism!”

“We should do that again!” Kara declared hungrily.

“Nicole is only fifteen-and-a-half,” I replied. “We’d have to exclude her. And we’d have to make sure none of the kids were in the house.”

“Ugh!” Kara groaned. “We never used to have these problems!”

“That was nearly ten years ago,” I replied. “And the laws in that regard are becoming more insane and more extreme every year. It’s why I advised Jesse and Birgit to be very, very careful about who they invite into the sauna if they’re going to use it naked. The cousins are OK, obviously, but everyone else has to be a case-by-case judgment. That said, most of the girls who reach puberty wear bikinis, including Kathy’s daughters and our two youngest. A certain eldest daughter takes after her mom!”

“As does Amber!” Kara replied.

“She’s more than a bit frustrated at the moment. She was sure she’d be able to take what she considers her rightful place with Jesse, but he decided to be exclusive with his friend with benefits instead of dating.”

“It makes sense, doesn’t it?” Jessica asked. “I mean, for Jesse, he has a girl who is one hundred percent with his program and I’m going to hazard a guess, is as sexually free as anyone in our family. It also lets him bide his time to see what happens with Francesca.”

“I still say Larisa has the inside track, especially given how things went with Marta.”

“I missed that,” Jessica replied.

“That situation, and what happened with Joy, was the genesis of Jesse deciding to be exclusive with Libby, though she does have permission to be with Juliette. Jesse just decided most girls’ parents were WAY too much of a hassle, and Libby’s parents are reasonable.”

“Speaking of parents being way too much of a hassle,” Kara interjected. “You do need to crack down on Birgit.”

“I have,” I replied. “In my own way. I told her she needed to treat you with respect, and that she should consider an alternate strategy. I think she will, but you had to know that even our kids, who have more freedom than any other kids I know in the US, were going to rebel at some point. And Birgit is the rebel child if there ever was one!”