Chapter 13: What the Hell Did I Do Wrong?

September 29, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“Have you ever asked a girl?” Suzanne inquired as we walked into the kitchen with the dishes and pizza boxes.

“Pia Sandberg, when I was in Sweden. That was 1979.

“You’re serious?”

“As a heart attack. You and I talked about how Melanie brought me girls, and then Jennifer did, and then it sort of became a perpetual motion machine because girls talked. That’s continued to this day.”

“How many moms sent their daughters to you?”

I chuckled, “Hope would be the first. And Sandy didn’t send Hope here for THAT reason, though she knew it was a possibility.”

“Quick detour - what happened with Sarah?”

“She’s not even in the on-deck circle. And that’s with regard to being my student and mentee. The other question, the one I think you implied, she has to resolve her internal conflicts before I’ll even entertain the question in a serious way.”

“She seemed to have her act together.”

“Externally? Absolutely. Her interior life is a mess.”

“So, without being ready to have her mind fucked, she can’t have her body fucked; well, at least not by you.”

“Exactly. And if you think about it, my rhetorical skills, to use a more technical phrase, are good enough that I could, if I wanted, talk just about any girl into bed.”

“Which is why you wait for them to ask, even if you set the table, so to speak. It’s about consent. What Kara calls Bethany’s successful mindfuck of YOU.”

“I totally get Kara’s point, and we all agree Bethany took her position to an extreme, which is where the problem lies, not with the idea of positive consent. You know how many girls I’ve been with, and that many of them were virgins. By having them ask, and not in the ‘heat of the moment’, the consent question was largely resolved, at least in my mind. For Bethany, other factors came into play, such that even verbal consent and willing, active participation was insufficient.”

“That’s BS and you know it.”

“Yes, of course, but there IS something to her argument. What concerns her is something which can and does happen. We know there are power disparities, and disparities of experience, and a host of other things which can call into question someone’s ability to consent in a specific situation. Bethany’s error is in universalizing it to the point where consent becomes effectively impossible.

“I pushed back on Bethany, but the straw that finally broke the camel’s back was her conclusion that Jesse had, in effect, taken advantage of Francesca simply because we had provided him with more information than her parents and the schools had provided her. Bethany also felt that a disparity in experience made consent difficult, if not impossible. This is the woman who wrote Smart Teens; Smart Choices. Think THAT one through to its logical conclusion.”

“Only two clueless virgins could ever be in a position to consent, but because they lacked any knowledge of sex and birth control, they couldn’t actually consent.”

“Neat trick, isn’t it? Bethany’s position on consent made consensual sex impossible. And that’s where society is heading at break-neck speed.”

“So you sent her to Sweden to see an alternative way?”

“As I said to her - truly ‘free-range’ kids. It’s not just about sex, but I will point out that the pregnancy rate, abortion rate, and prevalence of STIs is MUCH lower in Sweden. Our prudes insist that hiding information is the solution, along with abstinence, and you can see how THAT has worked out.”

“Do you think sending her there will work?”

I shrugged, “It was a last, desperate move to recover our close friendship. And if I can bring her back to where she was when she wrote the two books, I’ll consider that a major success.”

“So, what about Nickie?”

I chuckled, “Think through the logic, young padawan.”

Suzanne was quiet for about twenty seconds.

“Because I told you she wanted you to ask, she actually already asked, by proxy, even if SHE doesn’t know it!”

“Yes. And?”

Suzanne cocked her head and a smile slowly spread over her face.

“There’s a very good chance she knew that by making that known to me, that I’d tell you. So she asked without asking, so to speak.”

“You do not have to answer this question, or even tell me that you know the answer, but do you know why she wants or needs me to ask?”

“I could speculate, but I don’t think I should.”

“That’s a perfectly acceptable answer.”

“Before we go back upstairs, I want to ask something. I know Kara is the one girl you actively pursued, but what about other girls?”

“Birgit Andersson, but there was never really any active pursuit. I was a clueless fourteen-year-old and she kept me firmly in what we now call the ‘friend zone’ right up until she asked me to ask her to go to bed. Then there was Becky van Hoek, but she was originally the target of cruel behavior by Jennifer and me. Finally, there was Katy O’Connor, who resisted her own desires for a long time, but that was also complicated by her strong preference for women.”

“The lesbians intrigue me.”

“Actually, each of them makes sense. First of all, Josie is bisexual, with no real preference. She fell in love with Jen and that was it for guys, because she chose to be monogamous. Katy is, as I said, bi, with a strong preference for women. Setting Jennifer aside for the moment, the one true lesbian I was with turned into an epic disaster because she was lesbian.”

“And Jennifer?”

“Given everything she went through, and what we went through together, all I can say is she and I were soulmates and that made the impossible possible. And seriously, can you imagine a universe where Jesse didn’t exist?”

Suzanne laughed, “I think his sisters can!”

“Sibling opinions simply do not count!”

“Can I ask you a crazy hypothetical question?”

“You know my take on ‘What if?’ questions.”

“Humor me.”

“You girls conspired to come up with that response! I hear it from you, my wives, Liz, Elyse, and others!”

“So sue us!” Suzanne smirked. “Anyway, before you and your cabal of doctors figured out how to control your manic phases, if you’d had a chance to have all eight of us, together, would you have gone for it?”

“Does the pope wear a funny hat?” I asked.

“And now?”

“The compulsion to do things like that just isn’t there. And it really was a compulsion, even if I couldn’t have articulated it that way.”

“So what drives you now?”

“Well, there’s the obvious bonding with kindred spirits.”

“Sure, which covers me, Leigh, and Natalie, along with Dyani. But, and please don’t take this wrong, Tessa or Elsa?”

I smiled, “Sex is fun and variety is the spice of life. Sex used to be, at least partly, self-medication. Now it’s about enjoying life to its fullest extent, and regular sex with new partners is part of that. Not as a compulsion, but as an enjoyable pastime, if you will. And, honestly, it’s about mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical fulfillment, though the relative mixture of those varies, depending on my partner. And we should get back upstairs.”

We left the kitchen and took the elevator back up to the attic room and I contemplated the best approach to the situation with Nickie. The last thing I wanted to do was be crass, but we weren’t really going to be in a situation where the question, if I asked, would naturally flow. I hadn’t developed a relationship with her beyond a basic friendship, and we weren’t at a party or bar where we could dance or speak privately. And in my mind, that meant waiting for an opportunity in the future.

We had a great time talking and listening to music, and as Suzanne had planned, eventually suggested we go to the sauna. I wasn’t surprised when Hope asked to speak to me privately, and I, of course, consented.

“I think I have to say ‘not yet’,” Hope said, once we were in the stairwell which led down from the attic room.

“It’s all about being comfortable,” I said. “None of the girls will give you any grief, and I’ll walk you back to the dorm beforehand.”

“I want to tell you why.”

“Go on,” I said.

“I want the first time you see me and I see you to be behind closed doors, so that we can do what we both know is going to happen and what we both want to happen. Once you and I are together, and I’m no longer a virgin, then I can be free enough to be naked in your sauna. But I’m not ready yet.”

I smiled, “There’s no rush, and no deadline.”

“Thanks for being patient with me,” Hope said.

“When the day arrives, it will absolutely have been worth the wait.”

I went back into the attic room to let the other girls know I was going to walk Hope back to her dorm, which I did. When I returned to the house the sauna was pre-heated, and the eight of us got undressed and went in. After the sauna and individual showers, we walked Suzanne’s friends back to the dorms, then returned to the house where Suzanne, Natalie, Leigh, and I all got into Suzanne’s bed and quickly fell asleep.

September 30, 2001, Speedway, Indiana

🎤 Matthew

“Hi!” Chelsea squealed when we met at the gate to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

We hugged and exchanged a kiss.

“Thanks for inviting us,” Kent Sanders said to Eduardo.

“You’re welcome! Shall we go in?”

I grabbed Chelsea’s hand, and followed Eduardo who handed over tickets for us, himself, Michael, Kent, and Colin. We made our way to our seats two-thirds of the way up in the front-stretch upper grandstands, just past the start-finish line, giving us a decent view of almost the entire course.

“It’s going to be strange seeing the cars running the wrong direction down the front straight,” Kent observed.

“For certain definitions of ‘wrong’,” I declared, causing the others to laugh. “This is the normal direction for Formula 1 cars.”

“They do run counterclockwise on occasion, for example in Brazil,” Eduardo added.

“Did you check the qualifying?” Michael asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “Michael Schumacher in a Ferrari, Häkkinen in a McLaren, Ralf Schumacher in a Williams, Montoya in a Williams, and Barrichello in a Ferrari.”

“Look down there,” Eduardo said, “Häkkinen was given a penalty of two grid spots. He’s in the fourth spot.”

“Why?” I asked.

“No idea.”

“What about Jos Verstappen?” Michael asked.

“Twentieth, I think. Yes, his car is there on the grid.”

“They haven’t raced here before last year, have they?” Colin asked.

“About forty years ago,” Eduardo said, “the Indianapolis 500 was part of the Driver’s World Championship. They haven’t raced on this track configuration before last year.”

During the preliminaries, John Mellencamp sang Peaceful World, a really good song. After what seemed like forever, the cars finally rolled off for the formation lap. It was strange to see the cars driving on a road course built in the infield, only using what were turns 1 and 2 for the Indy 500, which were actually turns 12 and 13 for the Grand Prix.

The track was clear, the lights went on and then out, and the cars took off.

“Enge stalled!” Eduardo called out. “Good thing he was in the last row on the grid!”

The cars barreled into the first turn with Michael Schumacher leading, and Montoya making a great move and almost getting past Schumacher. Enge got his car going and joined the race, now dead last.

“Collision!” Colin screamed as Jarno Trulli, Nick Heidfeld, and Kimi Räikkönen, came together, damaging Räikkönen’s wing.

As Räikkönen limped back to the pits, Barrichello passed Montoya, and then a couple of laps later, passed Michael Schumacher and began pulling away. After he made a pit stop, the battle for the lead was between Montoya and Michael Schumacher, with Montoya coming out ahead. A couple of laps later Ralf Schumacher spun, and then Montoya came to a stop.

“His engine seems to be running,” Eduardo said. “Must be transmission or hydraulics.”

Barrichello looked to be the car to beat with the retirements of Räikkönen, Ralf Schumacher, Alonso, Montoya, Verstappen, and Villeneuve, but smoke started coming from his exhaust on lap 61. He slowed, but didn’t retire, but that was basically the end of the day for him, and he ended up classified 15th, the last car running. Häkkinen finished first, beating Michael Schumacher by about eleven seconds, with Coulthard finishing third.

After the podium ceremony, we left the track and headed for a steakhouse Kent knew about so we could have dinner.

“I wish we could be alone somewhere,” Chelsea said quietly as we sat in the back of Eduardo’s SUV.

“Me, too,” I replied. “But we’ll see each other Thanksgiving weekend! It’ll be Friday, so I can have dinner with my dad on Thanksgiving Day, but we’ll have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.”

“What do you want to do?”

I laughed, “The same thing you do!”

Chelsea laughed and leaned over and kissed my cheek. We were both definitely looking forward to being together again.

October 2, 2001, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Steve

“Steve,” Kimmy said, “Liz needs you in her office.”

“Thanks, Kimmy,” I replied.

I got up and went to Liz’s office. She signaled I should close the door and sit down.

“I have Steve with me,” she said into the speakerphone. “Steve, I have Jocelyn and Deborah.”

“Now what?” I asked warily.

“Nothing bad for us!” Liz said. “Jocelyn?”

“Six former EB clients are suing Knowles and Jackson over the charges for extracting their data. They filed in Cincinnati last week. NIKA is not a party, but we’ll certainly be called to testify about what we found and why we couldn’t extract their data. Liz suggested Sam, though there’s a bit of concern about the fact that NIKA cracked EB’s DRM.”

“We didn’t make any use of it,” I replied. “Sam did the work, but then shelved everything once we were put on notice.”

“Remember, nobody has a clue how the DMCA will be read in court. In theory, under an extreme reading, the mere act of breaking the code, even if we didn’t use it, could be a violation of the statute. Think Robert Mueller and the indictment against that Russian citizen.”

“Don’t remind me!”

“On the plus side,” Jocelyn continued, “I like the judge. We were undergrads together at Taft, and she’s not one to read the law that way.”

“That’s good. What’s her name?”

“Melody Coates. Clark will know her; she and Mike dated when Mike and Clark were Freshmen.”

“Is there anything we need to do?” I asked.

“Not yet. Knowles and Jackson have three more weeks to file their answer.”

“What are the chances for success?”

“Pretty small, really,” Deborah said. “What everyone called a merger was actually an asset purchase, so the new company is not legally a successor to EB. The argument is that because Braun is in control of the new company, it ought to be considered a successor. If not, then the claims are against Braun personally, but piercing the corporate veil in that matter would require some sort of malfeasance on Braun’s part. THEN, they’d have to overcome the mandatory arbitration clause.”

“It sounds almost pointless,” I said.

“Maybe, but given that we’re talking about law firms, they don’t have to hire anyone to handle the case, so their cost/benefit analysis would be different from yours. And splitting their costs six ways limits their exposure as well.”

“Is there any way this can come back on Nathan Edwards?”

“Anything is possible,” Jocelyn said. “Ben’s aware, but he doesn’t think there is any way EB can drag Nathan into this, except perhaps as a hostile witness. I wouldn’t call him if I were Braun. I don’t think he could help their case. In fact, if I were Braun’s attorney, I’d recommend refunding a portion of the fees and calling it a day. It’ll cost far less than fighting this.”

“I think even I would pay this one off without much thought,” I said. “There’s no upside at all. And the last thing I would want is the bad PR of my clients suing me for what is, to a neutral observer, going to look like abusive conduct.”

“You’d never be in this position because you’d never abuse your clients the way EB did!” Deborah declared.

I chuckled, “Yeah, well, there is that. Is Stephanie aware?”

“Yes,” Liz replied. “She received a summary by email. She suggested we loop you in because of the potential testimony Sam might give. You know both the law and the tech, and that would help us prepare if it came to that.”

“Well, given I suspect the motion practice on this case will last months if not a year, I’m going back to my office. Let me know if this gets beyond motions to dismiss.”

All three lawyers laughed.

“You’re learning!” Deborah declared. “When are you going to be in Cinci?”

“Probably not until sometime after the New Year. I hope we’ll see you guys between Christmas and New Year’s. Joyce already confirmed.”

“Let me speak with Krissy, but I think we’ll do that.”

“Great. The kids will love seeing your kids.”

We hung up and I stood up to leave.

“Hang on a sec,” Liz said. “Who’s Mike?”

“Doctor Mike Loucks, a friend of Jocelyn’s and Clark’s.”

“Ah, OK. One last thing - what are you doing on January 20th?”

“I’m going to assume giving away the most beautiful bride in the world!”

“And what would your wives or daughters say about THAT?”

“My wives? Nothing. They know you’re the love of my life. My daughters, well, let’s keep what I said a secret, please!”

“Wrong time, wrong place, wrong circumstances,” Liz said with a soft smile. “I’ll never, ever love anyone the way I love you.”

“I’m sure that’s true, but you do love Julius, and I know he’ll take very, very good care of you.”

“Do you ever wonder...”

“You know my feelings about ‘What if?’, not to mention my unwillingness to follow traditional norms with regard to marriage.”

Liz laughed softly, “That might be a problem. I could be the ‘other woman’ in your life for a time, but I could never allow my husband to play around the way you do. That’s why I say ‘wrong circumstances’.”

“I’m very happy for you.”

“Thanks. How are you doing today?”

I smiled, “I’m fine. Thanks for remembering. I’ll smoke my one bowl of tobacco for the year tonight.”

“I always loved the smell of your pipe tobacco. It was so ‘you’.”

“And this one is for her. Good memories.”

“As it should be,” Liz agreed.

We exchanged a loving hug, and I headed back to my office. I worked for about two hours before I left the office with Elyse so we could have one of our occasional long lunches in the NIKA loft apartment.

“Did you hear about Swissair?” Elyse asked as I backed out of my parking spot behind the NIKA building.

“I’m not surprised, really. They won’t be the only one to go bankrupt or have to merge or require a huge government bailout.”