Episode 1: MARrIAge VOWS

Like a fairy tale come true in the form of a dream was the precise impression of young Maria Blanco. Sitting in a stretch limo peering out the windows with excitably innocent eyes alongside her mother Esperanza, the women were lost to the miracle of a new life. Fresh from the airport the two beauties had flown in from Cartagena, Colombia in the private jet of Billionaire oilman Oscar Longhorn Barnett, known as Longhorn for two things, he raised cattle on the side, and he had a huge dick. Something that Esperanza adored about her new husband.

Coming to America was a terrifying adjustment for both women. Esperanza Blanco formerly being a privately hired high-paid Escort in Colombia was finding it much easier because of the social circles she had been exposed to. With her beauty, brains, and perfect body the woman knew how to reel in the big fish. Money was good in Colombia for her at least, allowing her to raise her equally stunning daughter with the finer thing’s life had to offer her. Better now thanks to Oscar sweeping her off of her feet. The charming cowboy of 62 years of age was one tough hombre who got whatever he set his sights on. John Wayne on steroids he often was referred to. On business in Cartagena the charismatic rogue felt the need to seek company, buying Esperanza for three weeks of undivided attention. Finding her a breath of fresh air he proposed just that quickly. Money bought a swift VISA and wedding license. Nothing would stop a man in love. Esperanza was fierce, loyal, and good in bed. That, or one hell of an actress. But again, Oscar Barnett did not make his billions by being ignorant. He knew the risks, as did she. The future at the moment was bright. Maria was a pleasant surprise. Young, innocent, naive beyond expectation thanks to her mother keeping her isolated from the world of men. Now, marrying Oscar, Esperanza had no choice but take faith in her man. There was no leaving her baby behind.

At age 16 as of three days prior to their relocation Maria was a bit more stressed about her future. The Texas terrain was far more imposing than the beautiful seaside and adjoining jungles. That and she was still coping with only knowing Oscar for only a week. He had been the only man she had ever been allowed to be around. Kept from her own father because of his crooked path Esperanza played it too safe, isolation with only her Nanny Conchita to keep the girl schooled at home. Meeting Oscar the day he married her mother and getting them immigration things moved at a blinding rate of speed. Maria was overwhelmed. It was time Maria saw the world for what it was.

Still, the limo reaching the estate of Oscar Barnett she found it amazing. Her own home was nothing as humongous as this place. Never had she seen such a magnificent house out in the middle of nowhere. It was like an oasis in a maddening desert. This was her new home? She missed Colombia.

“Is it not beautiful Maria?”

“Yes. The desert not so much.” Maria spoke without even looking at her mother, nor Oscar across from her. Oscar while quite handsome was much older than 33-year-old Esperanza. At 62 he was already halfway through life, yet fit and rugged. What bothered Maria was the fact that Oscar although seeming to care and was quite generous had roving eyes. She often caught him looking at her legs or her chest. Like her mother she was blessed with golden flesh and very strong legs. Fashion being forced upon Maria at a young age meant every asset was expressed to appeal. This involved short skirts to accentuate toned legs all the way up to her thighs. Her cleavage boosted by a good bra made Maria uncomfortable, but she always listened to her mother. As an escort Esperanza’s motto was more jiggle more wiggle. Maria could care less about impressing anyone. Least of all a man. Truth be told she had zero experience in even socializing with a male. Shyness was a dominant gene, although she made an effort to be more outspoken.

“You get used to it Darlin’.” Oscar reached over and patted Maria’s knee followed by a brisk rub then sat back to put his arm around Esperanza. The slightest touch to her kneecap made Maria edgy. Having no contact with even a boy her age due to her mom’s strict raising she was not used to being touched. Uncertain what to make of Oscar sometimes, she just smiled and looked out the window. “Couple months from now and you won’t wanna live anywhere else.”

As their driver reached the circle drive with an elaborate fountain of a cowboy pissing within its confines Esperanza laughed, “You have a man peeing in your fountain.”

“Sure do.” Oscar chuckled, “That was me at 25. Right after I built this here paradise. See the resemblance?”

“You modelled for the statue?” Esperanza blushed, “Yes. I see the resemblance.” A wink to her husband without indulging the information to her daughter that she would recognize that masterful cock anywhere. “He is quite endowed.” Maria did not even know what the word endowed meant. Her home schooling did not concentrate on such things. Mostly math, English, History.

“Why would you put a statue of yourself like that out for people to see?” Maria winced.

“It is art Dear.” Esperanza aimed to protect her from giving it too much thought.

“If you say so. You should at least have hung a cowboy hat on it.”

“I might just do that if it bothers you that badly, Miss Maria.”

“Just Maria.”

“It does not bother her. She will get used to it. You are the man of the hacienda. I will not allow you to cover that up.”

“You’re the boss Filly.”

“I am not the boss. Nor will I ever be. I am your wife, and I will take pride in all things that is a part of my man.”

“I can tell you’re going to make me a happy Cowpoke.” Was it weird that Oscar said that while looking at Maria? She thought so. “Well, now! Looks like we have us a full house. All five of my sons are here as a welcoming committee to meet their new momma and baby sister. Good timing on their part. You’re going to love my boys.”

“Yes. I will love them as if they were my own.” Esperanza grinned sheepishly.

“They can be a rough and tumble bunch. Couple of ‘em are a lil’ rough around the edges, nasty habits if ya know what I mean. Like their ole’ man they’re tall and broad. We Barnett’s defy the term small fry like Maria there. Not one of my boys are under 6’3. You fillies are going to feel a tad intimidated I’m suspectin’. Especially you Maria.”

“I cannot help that I am short.”

“Short and sweet. You’ll fit right in. What are ya 5 foot even?”

“She is 4 foot 7 inches.” Esperanza smiled. “She will grow taller like her mother.” Esperanza was 5’7.

“The boys might just pick you up and carry you around for kicks.”

“Why?” Maria’s eyes bulged.

“They like teasing.”

“I will be very embarrassed.” Maria rolls her eyes, “I am much too shy for that kind of thing.”

“I might not have a beach in my backyard, but I got myself a swimming pool the size of a city block. Once ya’ll get settled in go for a swim and relax.”

“I do not know how to swim.” Maria worried.

Ignored for the moment the bride had to ask, “When do we leave for our honeymoon?”

“Tomorrow. We just need to get Maria cozy in her new environment before we head for Fiji.”

“I’m being left alone out here?” Maria bulged her eyes.

“I’ll ask the boys to stay home a while and help ya get adjusted. Three of my boys have jobs in the city. Two of my boys are slackers. Butler on site too. Anything you need my personal assistant Byerly will get it for you. The butler can call him at his office.”

Coming to a halt the driver leaves his front seat and opens the door for the new Barnett’s. Exiting first Oscar claims Esperanza’s hand like a gentleman, followed by a secondary assist for Maria. She knew that Oscar had lowered his gaze as her legs parted to sweep toward the ground in getting out. Met by the butler his inspection dwindled quickly in favor of acting proper. It was a good thing Maria wore panties, her short skirt hid very little, each tiny exposure making her blush heavily. While spunky for brief moments Maria was pretty shy in an interesting contrast. In favor of not upsetting her mother she always kept the things that she noticed to herself. It was harmless as long as Oscar never went any further than being a snoopy perv. Not that she technically knew what a perv was. Nor advances!

“Afternoon Highbone.” Oscar patted his elderly butler on the shoulder as he assisted the driver in removing their luggage.

“His name is Highbone?” Maria puzzled over such an odd name.

“Yes young Miss. My last name, you may call me Nigel.”

“Hi, Nigel.” She pepped up at making his acquaintance. “Are you British?”

“I am yes. Born in Yorkshire.”

“Like the pudding?”

“Indeed.” He smiled warmly before noting Oscar’s scowl at being overly friendly. Highbone swiftly backed off without even shaking her hand. Esperanza was far too busy being giddy at the size of their new residence, literally dancing in circles. Oscar joining her to point out features in the architecture left Maria alone with Highbone just long enough to hear him whisper, “Welcome to the ranch Young Miss.”

“I’m Maria.”

“Lovely Maria? It is a pleasure. Help an old man with a bag?”

“Yes. I don’t like it here already. It feels creepy.”

“It has its moments. Please follow me I will show you to your room.” Walking slowly, she knew it would be a while before seeing that bedroom. The old man had a very slow stride. Leaving some of their luggage on the sidewalk they enter the home to divulge in its magnificent grandeur. Winding staircases, crystal chandeliers, paintings on every wall, even busts of long dead relatives adorned the interior on antique wooden stands. Jaw dropping at the designs it was for the Blanco’s, well, just one Blanco now that Esperanza was a Barnett, remarkable.

Shocked to find a small elevator just for Highbone with room for one other Maria rode up with him. In the short ride up, she hugged his arm feeling it was the right thing to do, having been raised to respect her elders. She knew she had at least one friend here in Ranchero Nightmaro as she thought of the place. She hoped for a quick adjustment to the neighborhood but so far it was just not feeling right. Smart girl.

While Highbone showed Maria the upstairs Oscar took Esperanza throughout the main level to show off his decades of collecting antiques. In a study they found one of Oscar’s sons sitting at a desk working away on his computer. The man was tall, lanky accept in the shoulders, well-groomed and studious. Handsome like his father.

“Matthew, good to see you son. Allow me to introduce you to my new wife Esperanza.” Caught by surprise Matthew stood and wiped his hands on his pants before venturing around the large oak desk to greet her. Like his father Matthew had a roving eye, cleavage before eyes. Breaking his trance, he smiled with a strange expression.

“Why do you always go and get hitched without warning any of us?”

“Parental privileges son. Isn’t she a beauty?” He was proud of his catch.

“Gorgeous. Hot even, if you don’t mind my saying.” He shook her hand gently as Esperanza flared her eyes at his compliment. Oscar overlooked his boy’s flirtatious swagger. He knew it was true and always told his boys to speak their minds. Matthew was probably the most respectful of his five sons. Certainly, the most intelligent. Matthew worked with the FBI as a profiler. At home he also kept the books.

“Not at all. I love compliments. More, more...” She giggled.

“You’re asking for it, Esperanza.” Oscar chuckled, “My boys were certainly not raised to be shy. Go ahead son let her have it.” Given permission Matthew gallantly circled her forming an opinion that went unheard until he returned to face her. Her eyes were like glistening saucers.

“Natural 38C. 125 pounds. Perfect skin. 5 foot 7. No tattoos. One child?”

“You are very observant. Yes, to all of those. Oscar, you will make me blush.”

“Not me Darlin’. That’s on my boy there. He’s the smart one of my flock, always on the mark.”

“Should I go on?” Matthew was being polite.

“What more could you possibly tell about me?”

“Areolas the size of silver dollars, tight and always inspired to shine. You wax your legs, presumably your pubic hair. The way you stand is proper, but you truly want to be out of those heels as well as that snug dress and into something much more comfortable.”

“Wouldn’t you?” She laughs and literally removes her heels dropping her 5’9 stature to her 5’7 reality. “May I ask why you seem to be sizing up my attributes?”

“Because this family has nothin’ to hide Esperanza.” Oscar patted Matthew on the back, ‘Keep going boy.” She found it rather amusing.

“Pierced clitoris?”

“How could you possibly know that? Did you tell him before we arrived?” She dropped her jaw and looked down at her body. Glaring at Oscar she presumed that he had bragged about her jewelry. A lift of his palms told her differently. She accepted the answer with disbelief in how anyone could be so on target.

“It’s all in poise. The piercing is so sensitive when you walk, that your body doesn’t realize certain movements that aren’t normal. I’m sure my father loves that trinket.”

“I surely do. I plan on puttin’ a big diamond on that, just like your finger here Mrs. Barnett.” Oscar chuckled. “Now tell her what you really think Matty.”

“She’s really turned on right now. You might want to take her upstairs and make love to her while she’s hot and heavy.”

“Sounds like a plan. Shall we Mrs. Barnett?” Esperanza could not stop smiling, this was just so unexpected. All she could mutter is, “How?” More than once. Oscar left the true answer to his son’s gift for a later reveal, the mood was set, and he didn’t want to waste it.

Upstairs, Highbone showed Maria her massive bedroom with all the perks. Big screen TV, king size bed, stuffed animals, giraffes her favorite. Her mother must have told Oscar so that he could purchase them before her arrival. She even had a balcony with two doors which overlooked the pool below and the distant hills. Across the pool was more of the home with another balcony just like hers. When opened a rush of air cascaded her body and Maria rejoiced at the exhale. Stepping to the balcony rail she looks down at the pool and discovers something that made her eyes bulge. Embarrassed beyond measure Maria rushed back into her room to speak to Highbone, “There is a naked man laying by the pool.”

“That would be Master Wiley. I am afraid he is quite as they say, free of spirit.”

“I may never leave my room. That was frightening.” She meant the humongous size of Wiley Barnett’s cock settling free in the sun tanning. Nibbling a nail, she waited until Highbone showed her a closet to look back over her shoulder with a thin smile. She wanted to step outside and see him again. He was muscular and handsome with his stubbled beard. Men were certainly a curiosity. Instead, she chose not to appear too interested.

“Your lady’s room Young Miss. Complete with shower and hot tub. Hygiene products have been stocked up. Whatever you need please ask.”

“I have my own hot tub? I have only seen pictures of such things. Now I know I will never leave my room. Do we have a massage therapist?”

“We do not. I am quite certain Master Owen would offer his services. He is as they say a Health nut, he is a personal trainer in Dallas.”

“My new brothers?” She found the term curious and exciting but almost terrifying. She had always been the loner, if not by choice. Not only that, but any masseuse that had ever massaged her was female. She had no idea what a man’s touch was like.

“Indeed! I will bring the rest of your bags up shortly.” He turns to leave then discovers a visitor. Standing in the doorway was yet another son, this man tall, chiseled with a shaved head, a thick goatee on his chin.

“I beat you to it old man. Thank me with a Turkey Club in about thirty minutes.” In he walked carrying her final two bags, she could tell one bag had been opened, her panties were sticking out of the seal. Noting Maria’s blush, he shrugged with a smirk. “Dropped it and the bag popped open. Nice batch of G-strings.” She could not even reply to what troubled her about that compliment. “Save the intro Highbone, you must be Maria. I’m Tyson. My daddy sent me a text telling me I had a new baby sister. He said you were cute as a button. Weren’t wrong!”

“He did?” Maria managed as Highbone took his leave, she got chills being alone with the studly Tyson Barnett. Watching him sit her bags on her bedding and stretch made her tremble, he wore only a white wife beater and cargo pants.

“Yes, he did. It was something him springing your momma on us short notice. Welcome to the family Hot stuff.”

“Hot stuff?” She wanted to giggle but held her breath. Again, her vocabulary was minimal when it came to slang or big words. She knew English very well but only the words that were necessary. The word hot was easy enough but how did that pertain to her?

“Well yeah, you are pretty hot. Speaking of hot let’s shut these balcony doors and keep the air conditioning inside the home. We don’t need no pesky flies buzzin’ now do we.” He starts to close them when he hears gunshots in the distance prompting him to step out and chuckle, “Sounds like Jacob got a hog. He’s the wilderness brother. Wears camouflage boxers if you can believe that.” No idea what boxers were!

Glancing down at the pool Tyson spots his brother Wiley and raises his voice to get his attention, “Put some trunks on Wiley. Extra coat of sunscreen at least! We got company.” Maria let her curiosity lean toward looking down at Wiley once more to see him cast a fuck you finger toward Tyson. Seeing Maria, Wiley just gripped his dick and stroked it. She found herself wheezing until Tyson used his hands to cover her eyes. She laughed at his overprotective nature. “You shouldn’t be encouraging ole’ Wiley he’ll be beating off on your doorstep. Sick mother, my brother.”

“His mommy is sick? I’ve never seen...” She bit her lip. He knew she meant a big dick sensing the word beforehand. Not really a blush, more a mesmerized stare. “Men before.”

“You haven’t seen a man?”

“No. Mommy never let me leave our home until Oscar. He was the first man I have ever seen. She was very protective of me. Please forgive me for being shy. I do not know what else to be.”

“You don’t seem shy to me. I can see a whole new world openin’ up to your beautiful brain.” He palmed her cheek then tapped his index finger on her temple. “Anything this lil’ noggin wants to know you just ask one of your new big brothers. We’ll be patient and help you along.”

“Thank you, Tyson. It feels strange having brothers.”

“It feels strange havin’ a baby sister. You just might get spoiled.”

“Spoiled?” She lifts her arm to sniff at her armpit, “I will take a bath.”

“You smell fine. I like your perfume.” He leaned in over her and inhaled her scent so close she could feel the exhaust of his nostrils along her neckline. His goatee tickling her chest. Where others might panic Maria stood her ground and smiled. “Hope I didn’t tickle your fancy there.”

“My fanny?”

“That too.” He chuckled. “By spoiled I mean buy you things. Give you presents. Do things that make you feel like a part of our family.”

“I like presents.”

“Then, I’ll spread the word to my brothers to spoil you rotten in gifts.” That brought on an extremely bright smile. “Settle in pretty girl. I’ll just go beat some respect into Coyote, that’s Wiley, like the old cartoon.” No clue what a cartoon was! “You go unpack and I’ll meet you downstairs. You need anything you just come knockin’ on my room it’s right next to yours on the other side of that there wall.” She lets him lead her inside until he could shut the doors to the balcony.

“Does Coyote do that every day? What if I wanted to go swimming? Which I don’t. I don’t know how.”

“Every single day. All of us live here full time. We just come and go for our jobs. I run daddy’s cattle branch. Wiley there is the youngest of us boys, he’s the slacker of the bunch. He’s out there poolside more than any of us. If you have any problems with Streaky you just get in touch with me. You can get our numbers from Highbone.”

“Problems? Why would he ... oh!” She realized that he was a nudist, not that the word nudist was in her vocab. Tyson could tell she was a curious one. Wait until Matthew sized her up, he thought.

“Yup! That be the problem. The boy can’t keep his clothes on.”

“Why doesn’t Oscar tell him to?”

“You don’t know our daddy yet. He thrives on us being what we want to be. He won’t put his boot down on Wiley because he loves each of us for who we are. I can ask Wiley to cover up his junk but don’t count on him listenin’. That boy has a mind of his own. We all do.”

“Will I see all of my brothers ... like that?”

“Could be! This is our home. If things bother, you just tell us.”

“I do not want to offend my new brothers. I will not speak up. Mommy says respect my elders. If I am to belong here with my new family, I must learn to bite my tongue.”

“There you go.” Tyson grinned, “No matter what we are here to help you adjust.”

“What is adjust?” Dumb as a box of boulders!

“Well?” He eyes her dresses thin shoulder straps, “Let me give you an example.”

“Exam?” She knew that word, just not the “ple” part. Home schooling from a dumb nanny did not help.

“That too!” He winked at her then reached over and pinched both of her straps, drawing them over her golden shoulders and down to her bicep area. Her dress slipped a bit over her breasts, but Tyson made certain it did not escape her. “Adjust first. If your dress here is too loose, or too tight you could lower these straps to keep it from being too tight or place them back on your shoulders here to keep it from being loose. That is called adjust, example too. You adjust your straps for comfort.”

“I see.” He observes her glancing from shoulder to shoulder then straight down at her cleavage exposing much of her chest. “I must adjust before I fall out.” Nodding Tyson drew her straps back up to her shoulders and pampered them before stepping back. Looking up at him with big brown eyes he sighed. Baby sister was drop dead gorgeous. Too bad she had a strapless bra on.

“I feel lost here Tyson. There is so much I do not know. Mommy and Conchita were all of the adults I was ever around. Never a man. If they are all nice like you, I think I will like men.”

“Not all men are nice. But we will always protect you, Maria. We own you now.”

“Own?” She tilts her head to left curiously. “Like I own my lovebird, Peach? I had to leave her behind with Conchita.” Stepping back to her he teases her long curly hair for an instant then used both hands to encircle her neck. Her gaze was brilliant that he was touching her so much. No fear, merely acceptance. With her mother nearby she knew she was safe, and Tyson was very nice.

“Own means we want to keep ya Maria. Feel my hands here around ya?”

“Yes.” She trembled.

“This is our way of saying now that we got a baby sister, we’re not letting you go. You’re stuck with us forever. Circle of life kind of thing.” Tightening his grip slightly he presses his thumbs in on her windpipe but not so tight he chokes her. The sensation made her pant in a nasal symphony of intrigue. He could tell she liked what he was doing. Not to push her too hard Tyson releases her to a hint of disappointment that he had let go. “Need a hug?” He chuckles offering open arms with a playful swagger.

“Yes.” She shyly stepped into his chest and placed her arms around his waist, her cheek on his sternum. “You are so big.”

“That’s us Barnett’s! Big in every way.” He lifts her up off of her feet making her squeal and thrashes her body from side to side. “Welcome to Barnettville!” In his lift her short dress rose up in back and he could see her butt in a mirror. Fucking panties! Nice butt though. Resting her back down on her feet she didn’t immediately step away. Like he had with her neckline she inhaled his scent. She had only hugged Oscar before now and that was in introduction. In a way, so was this. He smelled so good. He had to pry her away.

“Being the only girl is scary.” She admitted.

“BOO!” He winks, “See you downstairs. Hey? Dress casual, none of that sexy dress crap.”

“I like my dress.”

“So do I, just trying to make you more comfortable.”

“That might never happen. Especially with my mother and Oscar leaving for this Fiji place soon.”

“Oh, we’re going to babysit you little girl.’ He razzes her then shuts the door. She felt an upset tummy coming on. A shower and change of clothing were just what she needed. A cold shower because she dared to go back out on that balcony to spy on Wiley. He caught her looking and just jerked off until he unloaded all over his legs. She blushed but refused to stop watching. A thumbs up toward her sent her running for the shower without saying a thing.

“Oh, my gosh! I can’t believe I just watched a naked man do that. I wonder what it was that came out of his ... thing.” Yeesh! That was the problem with being isolated in Colombia, no contact with men, no computer uses without her nanny or mother present. No knowledge of the birds and the bees. Esperanza shielded her baby from all things inappropriate. Crazy her mother being the direct opposite as an escort, but that was where the big money was. Esperanza required that to raise her daughter safely.

An hour later she stepped from her room in a red dress similar to the one she had prior, her long wavy hair now pinned back into a ponytail with a needle style pin through a leather piece to clamp it all within. Hearing a loud, “YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWW!” She realized it was Oscar and followed the call to what she presumed was the Master bedroom. Hearing her mother screaming made Maria tense up, worried she might be hurt. Sprinting to the bedroom door she quietly turned the knob to witness more than she bargained for. Her mother was riding Oscar reverse cowgirl style facing her, his huge Stetson worn and cloaking her vision. She was so into her performance Esperanza hadn’t even noticed Maria peeking in. Sure, enough Oscar lived up to his nickname of Longhorn. He was so huge her mother could not even fuck the entirety of his penis. In and out, in and out Maria watched it unfold. Embarrassed by her nosey nature Maria tried to shut the door quietly but found her curiosity too intense. “Oscar is so very big.” Naive or not she had that porn star moment down to a science without even knowing it.

Behind her came a cleared throat. Freezing in her exploration she slowly turned to face a third son. This giant of a man wore sweatpants and no shirt. Muscles rippling! “So, that’s our new Momma?” He whispered. “She looks nice.” Titties bouncing wildly as she rode her husband like a trooper. “That must make you our baby sister.” He palmed her shoulders with a light squeeze from behind. “Let’s just give them some privacy.” He backed Maria up then closed the door without a sound. Once sealed Maria faced him and looked worried.

“Am I in trouble?”

“Do you think you were bad?”

“I was spying.”

“I won’t tell them if you don’t. We brothers and sister have to stick together.” He crouched to face her better rather than her craning her neck to look up at him. Rubbing her arms with a warm friction he smiled. “I’m your brother Owen.”

“Own?” Again, she recalled what Tyson had said.

“Sure!” He smirked, “Sounds good to me.” She checked out his physique. “That’s me. Hi Maria. Tyson told me you were beautiful but wow...” a strange point between she and his father’s door he added, “Do you always spy on your mom having sex?”

“Sex? What is sex? That was by accident. I heard her scream and thought she was hurt until I saw mommy smiling and saying I love you, Husband.” In Spanish! “Trust me I am very embarrassed.”

“Only thing red I see is that tight dress. Nice curves Sis.”

“Curves? What are curves?” Wow! He made a curvy set of hand motions that went right over her head. “Are you alright?”

“Yep! Just dandy.” He shook his head at how naive she was. “Highbone mentioned you asked about a masseuse. If you need my help, just ask.”

“That might upset my mommy. Now that we are brother and sister.”

“She’s going toooo Figiiiii.” He chuckled lightly tempting her with tickles to her ribs. Masking giggles afraid her mother might hear her she simply danced at his jabbed fingertips. Smiling up a storm until he stopped but again rubbed her arms before taking her hands into his. “See? I’m easy to get along with. I promise not to tickle you during a massage.”