Chapter 1: Christine Lets it all Out

‘The following week I went and sat in the garden as usual.’ Christine told him. ‘At lunch time Steve came out and joined me. He offered me a share of his lunch as usual. Then he said, ‘Are you ok?’ ‘Yes,’ I told him. He looked at me as if he didn’t believe me then said, ‘A strange thing happened last week. When I came back from getting the materials, Derek had disappeared.’

‘Even stranger, he didn’t call round to mine to collect his wages. When I went round to his house the following day, his mum said he had come home yesterday and told her he’d got a job down south. He packed a bag and left. He wouldn’t even tell her where he was going. Yesterday when I spoke to her, she still hadn’t heard anything from him.’

‘Did anything happen after I left that I should know about?’ He asked looking straight at me. I avoided his eyes and said, ‘No.’ ‘Christine,’ he said firmly. I looked up at him. ‘I’m not going to pry further,’ he said, ‘I could be reading something into this that isn’t there, but I want you to know I’m here for you anytime you need someone to talk to.’ Then he gave me a card with his phone number on.’

‘I got up and gave him a hug and a kiss. ‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘I have to respect your decision on how you handle anything that might have happened,’ he said, ‘But just tell me one thing. I work at a lot of people’s homes, sometimes people who have daughters your age. In the past I have taken Derek with me when I needed a lift with something too heavy for me to manage.’

‘If he ever returns, do you think I should continue to do that in future?’ I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Definitely not.’ He looked very sad. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said. ‘Just remember it’s not good to bottle things up. If he does ever return,’ he added, sounding grim, ‘I’ll be having a few words with him.’

‘How did everything go after that?’ Lewis asked. ‘We saw each other many times until he finished the job. Everything seemed the same between us and he never mentioned Derek again. When I saw him the last time, he gave me a hug and a kiss, reminded me that I had his number if I needed help and hoped I had a happy life.’

‘My pain never returned and as time went on my days were the same, but I had nightmares at night. I also started to wonder if the pain I had had was him damaging me in some way. I wondered if I would be able to have sex again, even if I could overcome my fears.’

‘Then, when Phillip appeared and I started having happy dreams again, I pushed all that to the back of my mind more and more. Soon I convinced myself that life ahead would be just as it was in my dreams.’

‘How was the rest of your time at the hostel?’ Lewis asked. ‘Happier because of Phillip,’ she said, ‘But otherwise pretty much the same. When I left school and got a job, I started meeting new people. Then when I left the hostel and moved into my flat, I became more independent. My life changed completely from then on.’

‘So did you meet any boys or have a boyfriend?’ Lewis asked. Christine looked sad. ‘There was a boy at work,’ she said, ‘We used to sit together in the works café occasionally and chat. I liked him and when he eventually asked me to go out with him, I was happy to agree. Although I was worried as to how I might react if we got very close.’

‘We arranged to go to McDonalds after work one day, then go for a walk. As we left McDonalds, he offered me his arm. It was a lovely feeling walking along with my arm through his. It seemed close without being too close. We walked through the local park, sometimes content just to walk, other times chatting. Then we came to a bench and sat down.’

‘After we had been sitting for a few moments, he put his arm around my shoulders. It felt lovely and I cuddled up to his side happily. He kissed the top of my head which sent a happy shiver through me. We sat there for ages then we decided it was time to move.’

‘He walked me back to my building, we were arm in arm once more. Then at the front door he said, ‘Can I see you again.’ I smiled at him and said, ‘Yes, I’d like that.’ It had been the nicest evening I could ever remember. He put his arms around me and kissed me briefly on the lips. I was nervous but happy.’

‘Then he kissed me again, this time with more passion. I still coped with that, but a few moments later whilst still kissing he slipped one hand in between us and cupped it over my breast. I might have coped with that, but as he did, I felt something hard pressing into me down below. I realised he was erect. I went into an immediate panic.’

‘I went rigid, then my arms and legs went flying in all directions as I pushed him away. He looked horrified, standing there with his mouth open. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said as I turned and let myself in. Once inside the communal front door I felt safe and calmed down. Looking out I watched him walk away without looking back.’

‘Did you see him again?’ Lewis asked. ‘Only at a distance,’ Christine said. ‘When I went to the canteen the next day, I saw him come in, see me and turn away to sit at another table. I was convinced at that point that I’d never ever have another boyfriend. It was when I saw Maureen later that afternoon that she spotted how unhappy I looked. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her why, so she took me to see Leo. He said right away that I should come and see you. Although I agreed that I would, Maureen insisted that Leo brought me along today to introduce me. But I think she was just making sure that I came.’

‘Well done,’ Lewis said, ‘You’ve got that off your chest after all those years. We can deal with it all in a moment. But first, let’s look at what you’ve achieved already. You came here unhappy, shy, terrified of sex and male contact.’

‘You are now lying there naked. You have enjoyed being massaged by a man. You have enjoyed the massage of your breasts and between your legs. And you appear at this moment to be very happy about it. All that you have achieved before we even try to sort out your problem. Haven’t you done well.’

‘Now, there are a couple of things we still need to sort out. What did Derek do to you to give you such pain, will it stop you having sex and can you get over the panic at the thought of such intimate contact.’

‘So, think back to earlier when you were first completely naked. When I massaged over your hairs,’ he moved his hand down onto them as he spoke, ‘Your natural reaction was to draw your knees up. Do that now,’ he told her. When she did, Lewis slid his hand down between her legs. ‘When I did that before and moved my finger around like this, can you remember what you did.’