Chapter 5: Theres No Comparison

‘Then two days before the fire, Carter was out late and I knew dad had gone drinking. I was resigned to suffering if dad got back before Carter. But just after midnight I woke up as Carter came in. ‘It’s ok,’ he told me, ‘You can sleep in peace now.’

‘It seemed a strange comment, but I lay back down and was asleep in no time. The following day, dad was missing. We just assumed he’d got too drunk to come home as he’d often done before. Then two days later was the fire.’

‘Once the body was confirmed as dad’s, going to bed was so different. Knowing we could go to sleep and wouldn’t be woken up to suffer was wonderful. Then after the inquest was over and Carter had left, life was so much easier.’

‘But although mum is much happier, she still says very little and never shows any sign of affection. I’m determined to get my own flat as soon as I am old enough, so since life at home became happier, I have put more effort into my work at school.’

‘That was a terrible thing you and Carter had to suffer all that time.’ Cliff told him. ‘But from today, you can put it all behind you. You have already started to build your new life by working harder at school. I think that your roughness with the girls is due entirely to your experiences at home.’

‘I’m sure that we can overcome it. Your impatience with them wasn’t for sex as they assumed, it was your natural desire to hold someone special who loved you, close to you. Since the rapes stopped, how have the nightmares been?’

Shane was no longer surprised at Cliff knowing things he hadn’t been told, but at least he couldn’t possibly know Carters secret,’ he thought to himself with relief. ‘They’re terrible.’ Shane admitted. ‘I wake up in a sweat dreaming I’m in the shed and dad is raping me.’

‘Then it goes up in flames with us both in it whilst he’s doing it.’ ‘How often do you have them?’ Cliff asked. ‘At least twice a week still.’ Shane admitted. ‘At the start, it was three or four times, but they’ve eased off lately.’

He sounded so relieved about that. ‘Given what you’ve suffered, that is perfectly understandable and normal,’ Cliff told him. ‘But I’ll tell you the two options of how to get rid of them later. One takes a while and one is instant.’

Shane felt so relieved that there were actually options. He had anticipated the nightmares staying with him for the rest of his life, and they made him so frightened. ‘You promised Carter that you wouldn’t tell a soul what he told you.’ Cliff continued.

‘I believe that what he told you is crucial to your recovery and so, for your sake, we need to discuss it. Whilst you might not have been close, from what you’ve told me, I don’t believe that Carter would want to be responsible for your continued nightmares.’

‘So, what I’m going to do instead of asking you to break your promise, is to tell you the outline of what I believe Carter told you. Then if I’m right, you will be able to discuss it with me without having to break your promise.’ ‘He couldn’t possibly know,’ Shane thought to himself in horror as he remained silent. ‘Could he?’

‘But before we do that, I need you to tell me about your eight dates after Rosemary. What I want to know is what part of the body you kissed the girls on, on each date. Then tell me what part of their bodies you touched with your hands, again on each date.’

‘Also tell me at what point you got hard, and if the girl would have realised you were hard. Finally, what their last words to you were. How do you feel at the idea of telling me all that?’ ‘Because it’s you, I don’t think it will bother me.’ Shane told him.

He no longer sounded surprised about that. ‘Ok, go ahead please.’ Cliff instructed. ‘With all three I kissed them on their cheek at the end of the first date, then briefly on their lips on the second date. With the last two girls it was a longer kiss on the lips on the third date.’

‘On the first date I didn’t touch them with my hands, other than holding hands as we walked and then as I kissed them. On the second date I put one hand up between us and just rested it still over one breast for the duration of the kiss.’