Chapter 6

Steph’s comments about the women at church were in Larissa’s mind on the next day as they sat in church listening to the pastor. Had she been misreading what was going on with church?

She’d originally gone to church simply as a way to ease her relationship with Julian’s family. If they went to church, then she was fine to sit there and chill with them, whatever. But in the background, she had Sal’s goal hanging over her: thinking about the big picture. Was there more to life than screwing Julian, banging out kids, and buying stuff? And if so, why? With everything else going on her life, she’d decided that going to church ticked that box, and that made her happy.

But as the months rolled over, she’d discovered that it wasn’t so simple. What she’d expected from church was a lot of ‘don’t do this’, with sex at the top of the list things not to do. And there were definitely people there at the church who were all about that and were able to make it quite clear to Larissa without many words that she was a failure, and never going to belong. Even if they still made her welcome at the same time. Amelia’s family had been very definitely in this category.

But the pastors, a couple of guys with kids not much younger than her – they were about something else altogether; they wanted her to know a Jesus who loved people, who cared for the weak, who imagined a better world, and believed in his principles so much that he died for living them. And his principles ... they sounded really familiar to her – almost like he’d read her poster. It was no surprise, when she asked Sal, and discovered that the principles she got from Dave and Lem originally came from Jesus, with adaptation for where she was at the time. And then she realised that there was a why there, a really deep story around commitment and determination to see a world that really was better, but not because different people were in charge, but because people could be different – with help. Yeah, she knew about the help bit, and she’d been doing her best to pay forward what Sal had paid forward to her, and she discovered that the links of that chain went all the way back to Jesus.

When she got to understand that, she’d really ticked Sal’s box; but church still wasn’t home for her. Some of the leaders had tried; one of the pastors had congratulated her and Julian and said she was always welcome the first time they came after getting engaged. And his daughter Tinky, who was lovely and friends with Steph and engaged to another great guy – she led the youth activities with her fiancé and she’d invited Larissa to get involved. Larissa hadn’t got involved, but Tinky hadn’t minded and still talked to her whenever she had a chance. But being welcome was very different to feeling at home.

What would be home? She wasn’t sure, but she felt as though the church was too patriarchal, and she had Sophie’s comments about staying home from church to get the place of women right in her mind. It was always guys up the front, after all. But even that, over time the church had been chipping away at that. The subject of the women’s marches had taken time to come up in church, but when it had, the pastor had given a very thorough sermon in support. Too late, but still good. And lots of the activities were pretty much led by the women; Tinky led the youth activities, for example.

The Sunday after she’d rescued Lacey, the paster had named her in front of everyone, and told everyone about her heart, and her faithfulness, and compassion, and thanked God for letting them share her life. Wow. Then Tinky had said that Steph told her about running through the full video, and would she do that for the youth group? “Sure,” Larissa said, “But you know it won’t happen.” Tinky hadn’t been convinced of that at all, but the next week, she’d sighed and told Larissa it was all too hard to get approval for her to do it. Yeah, pretty much what Larissa expected; she just didn’t fit into church. But what if Steph was right, and it was only a few families making the noise?

Then after the service on this Sunday, Amelia brought Tinky over to Larissa and said that Larissa had run through the rescue with her during the week, and it was totally awesome and the youth group should definitely see it, and, really, the young girls should totally hear from Larissa on the subject of sex. Whoa! She could see that Tinky’s mind was blown by that – specifically, that it was Amelia who said that. Her very quick summary of her past for Tinky turned into an emotional discussion out the back of the stage between Tinky, Steph, Amelia, Larissa and Tinky’s mum that only finished long after everyone else had gone. In the end, Tinky’s dad, the pastor, joined them, and Larissa discovered that that the reason it took a few weeks to respond to the women’s marches is because the pastors would never have their own position on that kind of subject; the church had a women’s council they depended on for things like that, and Larissa was invited to meet with the council.

Wow. So one evening the next week, Larissa and Sophie, along with Sal who she’d invited, sat around a table with a bunch of lovely friendly women she mostly recognised from church, ages from Tinky through to a grandma. Their background experiences were just as varied; one had been a stripper and prostitute in her past, while others had lived a quiet sheltered life – but all were deeply involved with the women in the church and Larissa’s experience was not that out of the ordinary for them. Wow, Larissa said – it sure doesn’t feel that way, and they talked for a while about why that was – is church a hospital for sinners and the wounded or a sanctum for saints? All at once ... sometimes in tension. And not everyone in the church was fully on board ... it was a learning process.

The council agreed that she should show the rescue, and take questions. They knew that she’d get asked about dancing in her underwear – enough of the young people had heard about it – and she was certainly going to get asked about sleeping with Julian before marriage, though probably privately. And she might be asked about alcohol – apparently some of them had seen her drinking the year before, and there was also that party with the cookies, of course, with drugs included. And most of all, she was going to get asked about the really difficult hot button issue – that photo of her kissing a girl. Ah yes, that was the difficult subject. None of those subjects were off limits if she was asked about them, but they discussed how she’d talk about them, and coached her on that. And she realised that this was just more of being faithful to her friends, and loving them, whatever their background – no one wanted her to lie, but they didn’t want careless words to trip people of widely varying backgrounds up. But they did want the underlying subjects raised, and they loved that Larissa was willing to put herself on the line for it, and they also loved how she was all about living to those principles.

Yeah, this was a church she could feel at home in, why was it secret, she asked? Tinky’s mum Vicky laughed at her, and said that surely Larissa knew she was right out there, yes? A church that made her truly happy would scare the pants off anyone else. Oops, well not pants literally, she said, to much laughter from the council, but Larissa understood, yes? Yeah, she did, she nodded. Then she was told that the council wasn’t secret, and if she hung around for a while, she should watch out because they might ask her to become a member. Umm, no, she had enough going on, thanks anyway.

So a week and a half later, Larissa stood in front of the youth group, and showed them the video, and told them all about it; and then told them all about her journey to find Julian, and showed them all their principles. Lovely to do it with her family there, and Asha’s family, and Kat and Sal and all their family as well, Zara too. Tinky ran the night, and Vicky handled the question and answer session. Great that she did, since she ruled some questions about Larissa’s personal life as out of scope; good, since Larissa could tailor her answers better when asked those questions privately. Others, she answered directly, or added her own comments to Larissa’s answer. And it did seem to be working really well for the kids who were listening.

Who’d have thought that Larissa would be talking about her life at church, and it would be fun and rewarding? Clearly, her problem was going to be stopping talking about her life. Kemala wanted to do it at their church too...

On Monday evening, when Julian came in the door, he was shocked to find Larissa curled up in bed in a fetal position. He came through the bedroom door with a big bang, like he usually did, and then he stopped, still, confused – this was not at all something he’d expected to find.

“Babe, what’s up?” he asked gently.

Larissa had heard him come through the door, and groaned to herself. She’d had a shit day, felt like shit, she was angry with Julian, and she didn’t want to talk to anyone. And now he was home, and she’d have to. Crap. She just really didn’t want to talk about anything at all. And for sure, Julian would demand that she talk; he never paid any attention to how she felt. She groaned inside again, but said nothing. Well, she had nothing to say.

She felt Julian carefully get on the bad, and then he slid into the bed behind her and she felt his arm slide under her, and then he hugged her tightly and kissed the back of her head.

Fucking Fuck, why didn’t he ask her how she felt? Why did she now have to get mad at him all over again because he was doing the right thing and just holding her? Shit she just felt awful and she just knew that Julian was going to try to make her feel better. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone? So miserable ... it was overwhelming her. Everything was shit. Shit, and who was she kidding – she totally was a fraud.

Julian still didn’t say anything. She lay there, stiffly in his arms, trying to keep her breathing under control, and listening to his breathing. Calm, and measured, in and out, for a few minutes. Then he gave a tell-tale mini jerk – what, he was going to sleep? Yeah, that’d be just typical ... inconsiderate jerk, just like all the other men.

No, she felt him, Julian rousing himself, forcing himself to wake up, flexing all his muscles and moving his head around. And she realised that she was relaxed now, resting against him, and hoping he didn’t move away as part of waking himself up. Being held like this, a genuinely meaningful hug, it had changed her mood. She wasn’t even curled up anymore – now she was stretched out, touching him as much as possible. When had that even happened? And why? She pulled her legs up again, but it didn’t really help – shit she still felt like crap.

Very gently Julian asked her, “Babe, would you like the hot water bottle?”

No, she didn’t want Julian to do that for her, that’d just mean she’d have to talk to him, so she grunted a no. But then she realised that her body had nodded her head for her, and she heard the trace of amusement Julian couldn’t hide as he said, “Sure babe, I’ll get it for you.”

By the time Julian got back with the hot water bottle, and placed it gently on her tummy, she was crying silently. She wasn’t even sure why – was it because Julian was being so loving, or because she was mad with him? Or because of all the other reasons? Shit, life was shit, and she didn’t need any particular reason.

Julian slid in behind her again, and nuzzled the back of her head. After a minute, she was feeling just a fraction better – the hot water bottle had done it’s thing, though really, that wasn’t the problem.

“Babe, it feels to me like there’s more going on than just your period. Are you ready to talk about it yet?”

No, she wasn’t ready, so Julian just whispered his approval and how much he loved her, and started caressing her legs and arms. Larissa shook her head – internally, without actually moving. Life was shit and she was a fraud, but her man was looking after her really well. Surprising, really, since her periods had generally been pretty light and impact free to this point – it’d been back before Ian since she’d had really bad ones; sex seemed to make them better. So how did he know so well what to do?

Well, her man might be really loving, but she was still angry with him, and life was still shit. But how could she be so angry when he was being so loving? That just made it all the more obvious how much of a fraud she was, and she sobbed. She just tried so hard to be good, to be strong, but other people could see through that so easily, and sooner or later Julian surely would too. The best thing that had ever happened to her, that could ever happen, and she just knew that sooner or later she’d fuck it all up. She nearly had already, and it was definitely just a matter of time, she’d slip, and Julian would see her for what she really was, see through all the pretence. And she couldn’t even pretend that other people had screwed her life up, when she would definitely have done it to herself. Shit, just shit. She sobbed again, her misery was just so complete.

After a few minutes, he said, “Larissa, babe, you know I love you totally and I can see how miserable you are. I am going to make you talk eventually, so why don’t you tell me why you’re so down?”

She hadn’t been going to say anything, but it just slipped out. “I’m a fraud, and everybody hates me for it.” She let out a big sigh that kind of turned into a wail, a natural expression of how she felt.

Julian pulled himself closer to her, curling himself even more tightly around her. “My love, I know that’s not true, but I totally understand that you’re feeling it. Will you let me convince you it’s not true?”

When she didn’t say anything to that, Julian asked in a wondering kind of tone, “Maybe it’s me? Did I do something to upset you? Say something? Love, I’m in awe of you, if I did anything to make you think you’re a fraud, it certainly wasn’t what I meant.” He paused. “I didn’t do something?” She must have jolted or breathed, or maybe he just read her mind, because then he said, “Shit, what did I miss? Babe, just tell me.”

She took a deep breath. For sure this was going to shit but it was already shit and he was a shit and why not just tell him? “When I got home, Fiona got into me because you didn’t clean the kitchen up last night or this morning. And I even fucking reminded you about it this morning, you lazy shit.”

Julian took a sharp breath. “Fuck. I forgot. Really, that’s just totally awful of me. Babe, I’ve got no excuse and you even reminded me. No wonder you’re mad with me. I’m sorry, I know it’s important and I just ... well, I hurried out the door thinking about other things and I didn’t do it.”

“No, you didn’t. So I did it. Feeling fucking awful all the time I was doing it.”

“Oh, babe, I’m so deeply sorry. I owe you massive, big time for that, and I hate the thought of you cleaning the kitchen while feeling like this. I’ll do all the kitchen for a week. Wearing a collar if you want me to. Babe, it’s just not good enough. I don’t know what else to say.”

Such an abject apology, and no attempt at excuses ... and she felt he really understood. Suddenly, the balloon of her anger with Julian popped, just all gone. “Yeah, well, you owe me big time.”

She could feel him nodding. “Yeah, babe, I really do.”

Now, she just felt miserable. She didn’t even have her anger to nurse. Shit, still shit.

“Babe...” Julian said tentatively. “I get that of course you were angry with me. But you said that you’re a fraud ... why say that? Did someone say something to you? What’s got you so miserable, when I know deeply that you’re not a fraud at all?”

“Lots of people. And they’re right, I’m a fraud, and everyone knows it.”

“Babe, no! I know you totally. Is there any part of you that I don’t know?” Larissa shook her head, he did know everything that could be known. “And I know just how damn hard you’re working to be better, to be strong, to be loving. That’s the opposite of a fraud, because I see every day how determined you are to make it real, to live our principles in your heart. Babe, you’re no fraud at all. Even at your work, sure, you’re the most junior, but everyone knows that. Did something go wrong there? Or did someone say something? A customer?”

Larissa shook her head. It wasn’t work. She’d almost have known how to deal with that, even expected it. Though it kind of was about work, really. She nodded.

“It was? Or it wasn’t? Babe, I feel like I’m in a puzzle game here. If I get it wrong, will I disappear in a puff of smoke?”

Larissa actually half giggled briefly for that one. But she could explain, sure. “I had a prac this morning. And Annie was on the table next to me. I could hear her talking to Jade, and she knew that I could. Bitches, they were trash talking me.”

She stopped, so Julian prompted her to go on. “Well, what did the bitches say?”

“Oh, that I shouldn’t be at the top of the class, and what had I done to get there? She meant who had I fucked for it, that’s how she said it. And that I’d screw up at work, that I’d kill animals, I must have, because they’d seen my lab work, what it’s like.”

She stopped, and after a moment of silence, Julian said, “Babe, I’m not getting this. I mean, anyone can see that’s all about her jealousy, and you already told me before how jealous she is. And you know that your lab work’s totally changed. So what else happened? Because any other day, you’d laugh that off, or ask her which school teacher she let bang her to even get in.”

Larissa sighed, because he was dead right, and that wasn’t it. “Bitches, of course they’re jealous. But then they said that you were too good for me, and you’d know I was a fraud, and that Layna would take you off me. And if she doesn’t, then one of them will.” And that really hurt, when they said that, Larissa could have said, but the tone of her voice said enough.

“Babe! No! You know better than that, but I can hear that you’re really feeling that one. So let’s work through it one step at a time. Is Layna ever going to make a play for me?” Larissa shook her head. Never happen. “OK. And even if she wanted me, is Layna the kind of girl to take a guy off one of her friends?” Larissa shook her head again. Never, ever happen. Not Layna. “OK. And if one of those two girls made a play for me ... those barbies think they’re prettier, but they got any chance?” Larissa shook her head again. “Do you want me to video it if they ever actually try?” She actually giggled at that one. “Now, lover, let’s say some girl tried to get something going with me. Fuck me, whatever. And for some reason I did. Which bit of me would be left over for you after Mum finished with me?”

Larissa knew very much what the answer to that one was. There’d be nothing left after Sophie finished with him, and she said so.

“Right. But me ... you know me as totally as I know you, right?” Larissa nodded. “Would I ever be interested in any other girl? I mean, why, when I have the most awesome babe I could ever imagine in my arms every night? And you know me ... I would never think it, right?”

Larissa nodded. Everything he said was totally true. At every level, it was just impossible. Julian’s whole life was characterised by his ethics, his principles, his faithfulness. She knew she could trust him – she’d put lots of work into it. But the feelings had been so strong, and she wasn’t quite ready to let go yet.

“But ... I bet Layna never gets periods like this.”

There was a silence, and then a low laugh from Julian. Then he said, “Babe, I’ve never told you. Layna ... well, the techie boys, their name for Layna at that time of month is ‘BBH’. It means ‘the bitch from the bottom of hell’.”

Layna rolled over and looked Julian in the face. “For real?”

Julian looked at her sheepishly, and nodded. “Yeah, babe. For real. And I’ll for real truly die if you ever say anything to her about it, OK?”

Larissa couldn’t explain it, would never say it, but somehow that just made her feel better. So much better. And Julian could see it, she knew. He kissed her.

“Babe, you know that you can trust me completely. Is there anything I can do to help you believe it deep in your heart? Well, other than cleaning the kitchen?” He moved a hand and gently rubbed the tear tracks on her face. “I can’t believe you came home on period day, after getting bitch-smacked like that, and then you had to clean up the kitchen for me.” He shook his head. “No wonder you were feeling it so much.”

Larissa nodded, and kissed him gently. She really felt better. Not totally right, but so much better.

Julian grinned. “So, babe, want some chocolate?” He reached around behind himself and then showed her her very favourite chocolate.

“Hell yes, where did you get that from?”

“I bought it on the way home for you.”

Larissa shook her head. How did he know to do all that just right? She hadn’t been like this before. She asked him and he smiled. “Babe, Mum coached me, so that if you ever had a bad one, I wouldn’t be a dick and make it worse. I’ve bought the chocolate before.”

“I knew I love mum for a reason,” she said to him, and let him put the chocolate in her mouth, making sure she licked his fingers while he did it. Yeah, that was good chocolate.

“And Steph totally ‘helped’ me too.” He grinned, and she knew she’d have to get the story out of Steph sometime. “But babe...” he kissed her again. “I get that it’s your period, and those bitches were trying to get to you. And I know that you feel your emotions really strongly, and I love you for it. Still ... my awesome babe, how did you let them get to you? You know that you’re not a fraud.”

Larissa frowned. “I know. I should know better. But I was already off balance because of something someone said yesterday.”

Julian looked at her in surprise. “What was that?”

“It was Amelia’s aunt. Just as we were leaving church. She gave me a nasty look and said that she’d heard about what I talked about Friday night, but that she knew me for what I really am, and eventually all the good Christians would see the truth. And I was really upset about that and it was still in my mind when those bitches got into me this morning.”

Julian drew in his breath. “That’s just evil. Did anyone else hear that?” She shook her head. “And you think that other people might agree with that?” She nodded tentatively, and then definitely. Amelia’s family, for sure. “Babe, it’s hard to know what to say. I mean, she’s so completely missed the point. Do you know what a good Christian would really say?” No? “Tell me about the parable of the prodigal son.”

Larissa knew that one, and told him – the bad son going off and wasting all his inheritance in the seedy part of town on sex, drugs, and rock and roll, ending up living in the gutter and shovelling shit, and then coming back home to a loving welcome, to the other son’s disgust. And by the end of it she knew – Amelia’s aunt was playing exactly the role of the older brother, and what she did was exactly what Jesus was warning against, and she told Julian that.

“Yep. So are you going to spend one second more giving her any thought?”

“Nup!” Larissa was really quite sure about that. And ... she did feel better now. Heaps better.

Julian smiled at her. “I got one more thing at the shop this afternoon.” He reached behind him again, and this time he produced some massage oil. “Want a massage? I’d love to make you feel better.”

Hell yes, she was definitely up for that, so Julian laid her on her front on a towel, and on the hot water bottle, gently undressed her, and then gave her a very thorough and loving massage. It wasn’t anywhere near as technically proficient as the massage she had from Lem and Dave, but it was such a statement of love from her man that she could only rate it as ten times better – the best thing she’d ever felt. And when Julian finished up on that side with his hands between her legs and told her to roll over, she never even noticed that he moved the hot water bottle out of her way, she was so hot for it. And the massage of her front was even better because she could look Julian in the eyes. And look at the other parts of him, after he stripped when she asked, and the happy ending he gave her to finish with was really something. Woo.

In the shower afterwards, as they cleaned each other, she knew that they’d passed a very big test there, and done so with flying colours. Julian really was her ideal man who could cope with the intensity of her emotions, and she really could trust him to the end of the world and back. Or to the end of her emotions, and back. Whichever was bigger.

And somehow, she wasn’t even surprised when the theme for the next Sunday’s church was the prodigal son, along with some pretty pointed messaging about it. Julian looked all innocent about it but he didn’t fool her for one second. And Amelia, at least, pointedly hugged Larissa tight when her family came to say hello to Larissa. Lovely, and she was sure that none of those things would get her down if they happened again.

And also, she had the look on Annie’s face to remember when, the next time Annie brought up the question of her marks, she dared Annie to figure out who she slept with and then to get better marks out of them than Larissa did. In addition to that, she could remember the laughter from the rest of her classmates when they saw the look on Annie’s face when she said that. That totally warmed her heart as end of year exams arrived.

One of Larissa’s regular prac partners was a boy by the name of Arnold. Arnold was kind of the opposite of Julian – small, softly spoken, and effeminate. Larissa felt strange with that term – she wasn’t at all like that, and as far as she was concerned, she was all female. But that’s the word people used: effeminate. His clothes, his body language, his relationships: exactly what people meant when they said, ‘an effeminate man’.

In her first year, she’d avoided having Arnold for a lab partner – kept right away from him, but at the start of the second, she’d remembered how he was often left out when it was time to partner up for prac work, and she had her D’s principles freshly thundering through her life, so she’d deliberately chosen to partner with him. She’d actually expected him to have some story of abuse in his life, and she’d waited for him to open up to her, but when he finally did: that was just how he was. He knew people disrespected him for it, but his family didn’t; they loved him for what he was. And Larissa loved having him as a prac partner. He was so gentle and loving with animals, and they just loved him back. Yeah, he wasn’t so good with big dogs, so she had to handle them, but she relished the challenge, especially once she’d started doing vet rescue. When it came to theory, and writing the pracs up ... he wasn’t going to set the world on fire, but he was reliable, and tried hard, so anytime she could pick he partner, Arnold was her first pick. She didn’t always get to choose, of course, but she’d mentioned his strengths to some of her other friends, and there was always some partner wanting to work with him now.

What Arnold didn’t have was a girl in his life. She’d contrived to accidently introduce him to Gail, in the hope that his extreme gentleness would do it for Gail. Both of them had laughed at her later and said she wasn’t as subtle as she thought, but they did appreciate it – they just hadn’t clicked.

Naturally, Larissa had made sure that he was one of the friends she caught up with after each exam, to see how he was going. He was fine after the first one, but she could tell that he was deeply upset after the second one, on a Monday morning. What was up? Well, he hadn’t wanted to say, so she took him aside as gently she could, and sat down with him, and said, ‘Arnold, you’re my friend, and I can tell that you’re not right. I’d really love it if you tell me about it.” The story he told her wasn’t so surprising; he’d been at a pub after the exam on Friday, finally with a girl who might turn into a date and her friend, and three big strong boys had just sat themselves at the same table, and crowded them out, and been pigs to the girls while they were at it and then the girls were gone and she hadn’t talked to him since. Had Arnold talked to the boys about it? No way – they were big, and strong, and they’d all had a few drinks. Sad, said Larissa, it sucks that stuff like this still happens. “I’m glad you told me. Julian and I will come to the pub with you next time, make sure you’re OK. You can always tell me stuff like this.”

At this point Arnold looked extra sad. “Julian was one of the guys who did it to us.”

Oh.

Larissa was about to defend Julian, but she pulled herself up in time. Arnold had nothing to gain and everything to lose from telling her this. “That’s really hard for me to understand, Arnold. Tell me as much as you can about what happened. And don’t sugar coat it for me. Be honest.”

Listening to Arnold carefully, it seemed that Julian had turned up after the other two guys, and he wasn’t actually the guilty party, but he had done nothing when the guys were being pigs to the three of them. And Julian had had a beer in his hand, and it looked like he’d had a few.