Chapter 5

All that week, Larissa felt like purring. She felt just so good, so special. Maria worshipped her, and she’d sorted Maria’s life out – a work of art! Julian loved her. Hell, everybody did. Everyone stopped when she walked past, and everyone wanted to know her, get her to sign stuff. She had to sign something in a service station when she stopped to fill her car up. She was even welcome back in the café again – the manager shrugged and apologised, and said she was welcome whenever, and any friends she wanted to bring, whatever she wanted to do with them. As long as they didn’t actually make love on a table, please.

Friday evening, she was supposed to be going shopping with Julian for a baby present for Rachel. They’d talked to Steph and agreed that they would get them a stroller, and so they were going to look at strollers, and facetime Steph in to help choose one. But after the last lecture of the day, the girls in her course begged her to go to a bar with them for happy hour, and they ganged up to compete with each other about how much they could idolise her. Seductive, and she said to herself that half an hour wouldn’t matter.

She was a bit embarrassed at the bar, really. The girls pimped themselves out to the hottest guys offering for them to get introduced to her. The pickup scene was in full bore around her. Was that really what she used to be like? But playing queen made her feel pretty good, and she kept saying to herself that she’d get around to calling Julian any minute now.

Then he was standing there looking at her, in the background. Oh. Find My Phone. Right. Just looking at her. Shit. She pulled her phone out of the bag, and it had been two hours! Damn. She’d really screwed up. She looked at Julian’s face again. Oh shit. She could’ve asked. Should’ve. He would’ve said yes. But she hadn’t even tried. Fuck! A little part of her wanted to turn away from Julian and ignore him: this was just too good. But no, she had enough presence of mind to know where that would go: a disaster, however it played out. Thankfully, she hadn’t had anything more than water to drink – had not been tempted once. So her judgement wasn’t impaired, and she knew: Julian was most important, however she looked at it. She stood up, turned to the girls, and thanked them for a good time, and walked over to Julian.

As she did, she wondered what to do? Should she ... what? But she had no time. She stood in front of him and looked as sad and apologetic as she could. “Sorry. I totally fucked up, I know. They begged me to come ... and I just did. At least I’ve only had water to drink, but still, terrible. Completely unacceptable from my point of view, and worse from yours. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Julian gave her a searching look. Yeah, so he should. If he asked her to kneel and beg, she would. She really hated feeling like this, that she had failed him, failed herself. He nodded. “We’ll talk about it later. Ready to go?” Hell yes, desperate to get out of here now.

All night, she burned. What the hell was she thinking? Or, why the hell wasn’t she thinking? Julian said nothing about it all night while they shopped for Xander and Steph, but she absolutely gave herself to him once they went to bed. She mightn’t be wearing a collar, but she did her best to treat him like she was a sex slave worshipping her master. She felt better after that, because she could tell that he hadn’t held back either – he’d taken all that she gave him, possessed her completely, devoured her. And he’d given back to her with interest; she’d come again and again. It was rewarding to know that they both had confidence in each other. But ... she still fell like there was unfinished business in her heart. And no use talking to him about it afterwards, because he was asleep almost instantly, exhausted from what she did to him. She wasn’t much different and was asleep immediately, but early in the morning, she didn’t sleep well.

She couldn’t figure out how to talk to him about it during their busy Saturday. But late in the afternoon, she realised what she could do. She showered and stripped herself bare. Nothing but her ring; that would never come off, part of her now. She wore the simplest plainest clothes she could for dinner at their family home and she packed the other things that might be needed.

Once there, she went straight to their room, and stripped, and called Julian. He found her kneeling by the bed, offering him her discipline collar. She’d failed her principles, and discipline was very necessary, given the circumstances. She wanted it, needed it. Beside her, on the bed, she’d placed an array of underwear and ties, anything she could imagine he might want. And even some marker pens – he’d understand that.

Julian took the collar from her, and turned it in his hands, looking at it and thinking through what she’d done. Then he looked at her. “Babe, what do you need?”

She knew what to say: “Balance. Pull me back from the precipice.”

Julian nodded. He understood, she could see, and she smiled her love at him. After the ride that the last two weeks had been, and then what had happened the night before, as the day progressed and she thought about more, she was getting increasingly freaked out about how she was thinking, what she did the previous day. No wonder those Hollywood people went nuts. And she’d realised that there had been other symptoms as well, as she thought about it. And Julian, so perceptive now to her moods ... he would’ve been thinking hard about it. Such a sensitive way he handled the night before too.

He thought some more. Then he nodded to himself, put her collar on gently, tied her hands behind her back, and then lay her on the bed, on her front, and on all the things she’d put out. He gave her a lovely deep kiss, his face on the bed too, told her to stay there, and then walked out of the bedroom, leaving her alone. That was not at all what she expected. Left alone with her thoughts, all she could think about was how self-centred she’d suddenly been acting, and how much she loved Julian, and what the hell was she thinking when she had Julian to love? A few tears trickled onto her face, but at least she had no makeup to spoil.

It seemed like forever before he came back, but it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes because she heard Sophie calling everyone for dinner. When Julian came back, he put one of Nala’s leashes in her collar, and said, “Babe, you’ve chosen well. I’ve been trying to decide how to balance you out, and after last night, I knew you needed the collar. I had thought about doing it tonight, but I decided tomorrow night – I thought it might be a bit much here. So, here then. Good choice, because the family really loves you. I love you. You’re in luck, though, because Amelia was here all afternoon. She’s just gone home. This would’ve been fun if she’d been hanging around!” Yes, Larissa agreed, her mind boggling at the idea: Amelia was Xander’s younger sister, and a more sex-negative girl would be hard to imagine; she’d be very judgmental. Someone really needed to give that a girl a good screwing, but it didn’t look likely to happen anytime soon. But she really had totally lost it for Rachel, so maybe one day...

Then Julian picked up a black texta from the bed, and held it in his hands, looking at her meaningfully. “Anywhere?” he asked her.

Larissa swallowed nervously, but said, “Yes. Anywhere.” She had to trust in Julian. At least she’d find out how upset he was.

He frowned. “Yesterday was that big?”

She pursed her lips, and said, “Maybe. Yes. Unacceptable. I promise to hold to our principles without compromise.”

Julian smiled at her. “You have very high standards for yourself. I try every day to live up to that. I’m going to mark you, and you will look at the mark and remember that you needed to make that promise to yourself.” He pulled the top off the texta, and looked over her.

She drew her breath. Tied up, she had no choice. But she would have no choice anyway – the whole point was that she was gifting to him that he could mark her where what he wanted. She expected him to choose around her pussy. Or her nipples. Or maybe, if he was really upset, her neck. Where would she mark him if their positions were reversed? Interesting question ... she had no idea. She waited for him to turn her over to mark her. But no, he surprised her: she felt him put a dot on the inside of her right wrist. She couldn’t see it, of course, but almost certainly no one else would notice.

“You can look at that and remember that I love you, whichever hand you look at; ring or dot. And you can think to yourself that one day, I will mark you as mine properly with a texta. Now, you’re such a magnificent woman indeed, so wonderful, but that does mean that you won’t find tonight easy. So here’s your rules: Until I say otherwise, you’re not to say a word. Nothing. There’s no seat at the dinner table for you. You can stand, but if you want to eat, you must kneel next to someone in the family, and ask them to feed you with your eyes. After dinner, I’ll have further instructions for you.”

Larissa took a deep breath, but had she asked for the collar, even if this wasn’t what she expected. She followed him out, led by the leash. The family, she found, was all dressed up, even Steph, and sitting waiting for her. The fact that they were all dressed up, dresses or jeans and shirts with collars, hammered home that she was the only one naked, when she hadn’t expected that in this house. Obviously, Julian had been busy. Though Amelia had been here; that would be part of the reason. Julian stood her at the foot of the table, where everyone could get a good look at her, with surprise on their faces. After grace, Julian indicated she was allowed to eat. They had a special meal for her with pre-cut portions. She’d considered not kneeling, not eating; she wasn’t that hungry. Did she really want to get on her knees like this for family? But she knew that if she was going to do this, she was going to own it, experience it all. Trust Julian, she said to herself, and decided to eat.

Still, she needed some safety, so she knelt beside Julian and rested her chin on his knee, batting her eyes at him. He looked down at her and said, “Yep, babe, that’s how to do it. But not me.” Whoa, and Larissa almost felt like crying, as if she’d been rejected by her master. She shivered. Julian reached down, and patted her head, running his hands through her hair. Then he gently stuck his thumb in her mouth and gave her a beautiful smile. “Love you,” he whispered to her, and she felt better. Well, who next? She loved all the family, and all of them would care for her. But she knew that she must choose Mum first.

She knelt next to Sophie and gave the best imitation of a poor doggie look she could do. Hell, she saw it nearly every day she worked, and practiced it with Ruth at red lights for laughs, to distract Ruth from the never ending verbal examination she was subjected to. Sophie almost laughed, she thought, but instead gave her a lovely pat, running her hands through Larissa’s hair, and looked at her with loving eyes.

Sophie fed her dinner. Not being able to pick what food to take from the plate in what order hammered home that she wasn’t in control here. The meat was in sauce, and a little spilled on her chin. Sophie wiped it off her and gave her a drink of water, making her drink plenty. After a few fork loads, Sophie pointed her to James, so she knelt beside him, and got the same treatment. All of the family fed her, with the exception of Steph – she should’ve gone to Steph first, since Rachel woke up before she got to Steph. Having the family feed her dinner was an ... impactful ... experience. All of them treated her with such love, what had Julian said to them about this? But still, the experience was humiliating. No, not humiliating. Somehow that implied a lack of respect, so it wasn’t the word. Humbling, maybe that was the word. This wasn’t what she expected. But ... what had she expected? Love slammed down her throat, that’s what she expected, and it was only when Asha was feeding her, or maybe Jaiden, that she realised that’s what she was getting, in a particularly Julian-like inventive way.

After dinner, Julian untied her, and told her to tidy up after the dishes and kitchen, and then join them in the lounge once it was done. The first thing she did was check her wrist – a very small black dot. No one would notice, and she decided immediately that she’d touch it up every time she did make up, so it always be there. Then she did what she was told, as quickly and thoroughly as she could. She could hear them laughing and joking from the lounge while Steph fed Rachel. She hoped that she’d get to hold Rachel, however the night played out.

When she was done, she walked out the lounge and said, “There you go, I’ve...” Oh shit. He’d said she couldn’t speak. Crap. He pointed to his feet, and she knelt at his feet, holding her breath.

“Steph,” Julian said, “Have you got a dummy for Rachel yet?” Surprised, Steph nodded. “OK, thanks. If Larissa forgets again, and says anything, can I borrow it to stick it in her mouth?”

Fuck. Larissa swore to herself; she wasn’t going to fucking say anything at all. Fucking Fuck.

Julian smiled at her and tied her hands behind her back again. “Well, everyone, my babe is going to sit here in silence and think about how she’s going to explain why she’s tied up and collared. Babe, I’ll ask you eventually. In the meantime, practice silence.”

She did. She hated it. At dinner, when she could focus on eating, it was tolerable. But here, it was all she could think about. She had to listen, and couldn’t say anything, couldn’t join in. Nala came and laid against her legs, and she wished she could pat her. For a little while, as she listened to them catch up on their weeks, she really struggled with it. She even pulled against her ties – for once, wearing them was challenging her. She couldn’t tell them about her week. Shit, she listened in silence to Julian telling them about the threesome with Maria. That burned. But then, she realised, he said nothing about the big meaningful things of the night: Maria’s promises, and their engagement, Helen’s role. When she realised that, she kissed his knee. She should’ve known, her understanding man, he promised to never punish her, and he wasn’t.

Still, it was super hard. A couple of times she went to say something and caught herself in time. She saw Asha watching her, tears running down her face as she did. Oh, lovely. She smiled at Asha, and it was easier after that. And, she realised, listening to them all, not able to say anything: she paid more attention to them. She could practice love; she had the time to really pay attention to Steph, and see that breast-feeding wasn’t going quite as easy as Steph tried to make it look. And Sophie was watching that with concern, naturally, though nothing was said. But Larissa hadn’t noticed till now and wouldn’t have noticed otherwise, wouldn’t have seen the love flowing between Sophie and Steph. Also, she realised, Xander: not doing quite as well as he tried to sound – there was an underlying exhaustion and tension there, concern for Steph. Interesting. She didn’t like this silence thing at all, but it did have benefits. Though she kept wanting to look at her phone constantly. Well, she couldn’t do that either, so she just had to focus on the family.

She wasn’t really closer to figuring out what she wanted to say either. The truth, she supposed. But what was the truth? She tried to spin it in her favour in her head, and then decided: she was tied and naked, and they were all clothed formally. Because of her. Just tell the truth, however it made her sound. And spin it worse, if possible, because that would be more likely to be true.

Then Julian reached down and untied her. “OK,” he said, to her surprise, “Larissa is still practising silence for a little longer, but she needs something to do. For the next little while, she’s your personal maid. Want a drink? Ask her. Want a foot massage? Ask her. Want a kiss? Ask her. Want a shower assistant? Ask her. She’ll do anything you ask. But make sure it’s clear since she can’t talk to you about it. Or you can just hold her leash if you want to.”

Damn. This was serious. And she shook at the leash bit: really? But if she had to do this, she would do it well. And she knew what she wanted: she looked at Xander and mimed giving him a foot massage. He needed love more than anyone except Steph and Steph would get it later in the evening. She saw Sophie approving. Xander nodded, and said, “Maid, please massage my feet.”

She sat at his feet and removed his socks. Xander took her leash, and laid it on Steph’s lap, though Steph didn’t hold it. Sophie magically produced some lotion, and she kissed Xander’s feet and gave him as good a massage as she could, trying to transfer as much love into him as she could. But his jeans were tight, and she couldn’t get up past his ankles. She was trying to figure out whether she should ask him to take his jeans off, which would disturb Steph, when he smiled at her, and said, “Thanks; lovely. Jaiden wants you now.”

She shouldn’t have been surprised, and she was actually embarrassed when Jaiden told her to brush his hair. She’d never done it or even thought about it. Whoops. She sat behind him and cuddled up to as close as she could and kissed the back of his neck. Then she brushed his hair, making sure to handle him as much as she could. Asha watched her with a smile. When she’d done his hair, Asha said, “Maid, I’d like a kiss please.”

That was a pleasure, and she kissed Asha very thoroughly. Woo, Asha enjoyed that, nearly as much as she did, even though Asha didn’t hold her by her leash. She was breathless and turned on when Jaiden interrupted them and said, “Dad wants you now.” She gave Asha a last quick kiss and walked over to James and Sophie.

“Maid,” he said, “Go and prepare the shower for me.”

Wow. But he’d loved her in the shower in the lead in to Rachel’s birth and she’d enjoyed that completely. She knew she had to match that. She smiled, and kissed Sophie, and dragged her out of the room with her. In the bathroom, she tried to figure out how to ask Sophie what she wanted to know. She wanted James to know that she was preparing him for sex with Sophie. She opened their bathroom cupboard, and found some male scent, and showed it to Sophie. By a game of charades, she pointed at the shower, and her pussy, and mimed putting the scent on, and eventually Sophie figured it out, with plenty of giggling. Then Sophie told her how she wanted James, and went back to send James up, while Larissa warmed up the shower.

When James arrived, she undressed him, folding his clothes carefully. Once in the shower, she washed James as gently and thoroughly as she could, all of him, making sure that she was as close to him as she could, rubbing herself all over him. This was actually a fantasy she’d discussed with Julian before, though it was a different man in the shower – any one of the taekwondo instructors. That fantasy was that the girl’s changing rooms were closed, and she had to go in with the guys. Never failed to push her over the line, that one, however it varied. Even the gang bang variant, which could and would never happen in real life.

She got him down on his knees, and quickly washed his hair. He wasn’t so comfortable on his knees as he used to be when younger, she knew. While he was kneeling, she gently washed his face and kissed him thoroughly. Yeah, doing that with the water cascading over their faces made him hard, when nothing else she’d done did, even washing his dick. She smiled to herself, that was her goal. Oh, she realised, her leash was dangling on his dick, stimulating him. Funny! She guided him out of the shower and knelt at his feet, his erection right in her face. She laughed at his expression, and dried his legs, and then the rest of him. His erection hadn’t started to go down by the time she got to it, so she smiled at him, and dried that thoroughly too. Then she put scent on him where Sophie said, and dressed him in the t-shirt and boxers Sophie had chosen, gently pulling it over his dick, laughing at him. She quickly brushed his hair, and then offered him her leash so her could pull her back into the lounge. James surprised her though; he gave her a big hug, and then dried her gently with a towel. Only then he pulled her back out to the lounge, and he handed her to Sophie with a big smile.

Now what? Sophie made her sit at her feet for a while, holding the leash, her back to Sophie, and both James and Sophie massaged her back and neck and shoulders. Given the circumstances, totally unexpected and very moving. Then Sophie asked her for a coffee, so she made that and brought it out on a tray, kneeling and offering it to her with a smile. Was she done? No, Jaiden summoned her over, and made her sit at his and Asha’s feet, her back to them. To her surprise, they both took turns brushing her hair, and it felt just so damn good! When they were done, they just held her shoulders tight for a few minutes before they kissed her gently. Then she was summoned over to Xander, and he demanded that his maid accept a thorough foot massage from him while she rested against Steph. Also wonderful.

It seemed she was done now, so she sat in front of Julian and rested her head on his knee. The night hadn’t gone at all like what she thought it might, but she was at peace with what Julian had done to her, for her. Would he spank her now? She hoped so, but the collar would have to come off first.

He tied her hands behind her back again! And then he said, “OK, Babe, you can talk. Do you have anything you need to say right now?” She searched her mind and found nothing but peace. “Oh. Don’t need to pee?” Ahh. Tonight she’d decided to own that: whatever he did, she’d smile and love it. And not just pretend to either. And she expected it to be hard to love, after what she did to him. She shrugged and smiled at him. “Not yet, but soon.”

“Alright, my babe who I love more than life itself, you’re going to tell the family why you’re wearing your discipline collar, not your fun collar. Who decided you were wearing the collar tonight?”

“I did. I asked you for this.” The family were hardly surprised at all, when she looked.

“And did it go how you expected?”

“Not at all. Totally different. And at first, it was a real struggle, especially being silent in this room. Asha, thanks for your tears, they really helped. But I’ve had time to think, and I think it was perfect. Thank you master and thank you all my family. You’ve been lovely to me, and it’s really helped me.”

“OK, explain what you did, and why you asked for the collar.”

She told them what happened the night before. And then, what led up to it. “So after Julian came to find me, I knew I had done wrong. I’d not followed our principles. I know I could just have asked him, and he’d have said yes. But I didn’t. And then I queened it over the girls’ selfish behaviour. That was worse. And afterwards, thinking about what I’d done hurt me. I spent all day today looking into my heart, and I didn’t like what I found. I need balance, need to be reminded that I’m nothing without my friends, my family, my love. I know it in my mind, always, but my heart was forgetting, with all the crazy attention I’m getting; so hard to manage those feelings. Julian didn’t make me talk about it last night and so I didn’t sleep well. I couldn’t face another night without dealing with it. And I love you and trust you all, so I chose to learn my lesson in front of you, when Julian was going to wait to tomorrow. Thank you.” She could see the family nodding and understanding. Then she turned to Julian. “Sweetie, I’m truly sorry that I lost my balance, and thank you, Master, for reminding me so gently and thoroughly that first and always, I love you, and I am here to be your love.”

Julian leaned down and kissed her gently. “You’re awesome, babe. You deserve to be on TV, and I want you to enjoy everything that comes with it, without losing who you are. And I’m stunned at how hard you’ve worked tonight - wonderful. We’re nearly done now!” Then he looked at the family. “While she’s wearing the discipline collar, Larissa is allowed to be loved, and to love others, but she’s not allowed to come. What I’m going to ask her to do now is to sit on each of your laps, while her hands are tied, and you can kiss her as much as you want. Not as much as she wants – that’s got no limit!” They laughed. “And please tell her some reason that you love her, and that makes her special to you. Mum, can you go first?”

Julian helped Larissa up and settled her on Sophie’s lap. Sophie held her face and kissed her gently. “Julian called me last night to see if you came here, and so I knew something was up. And I already watched you last weekend and wondered if it might become a problem. We love you, but that’s powerful stuff. I’m so pleased that you saw the problem and acted on it yourself, and so impressed. Few people are so honest with themselves. I’m glad we each get to tell you how much we love you, and it will make you bound to us, to Julian, even more, yes?” Larissa smiled at her, yes. “Thank you for being the best lover for Julian. I know that’s how this will end up, so give us a show. And when you do it, please feel how much we all love you as we watch. Tonight has been a deeply bonding experience, you’ve trusted us so much.” Sophie gave her one last deep kiss and helped her up.

She was right next to James, so she carefully hopped on his lap, and squirmed on his erection, grinning at him. There was nothing gentle about his kiss – it was very much a lover’s kiss, woo. Held like this, kissed like this, with Sophie holding her leash ... woo she was coming ... no! James pulled back and laughed at her. “You know how much we love you, and why. You were awesome on TV, and I’m sure that the attention is insane, and you do deserve it. But that attention will slow and then stop, but we’re always going to be here, and you’ll always have Julian. I’m so happy that you’re on top of this, because your life will never be quite the same either, and nor should it be: you saved a girl’s life, and you’ll always have that. Thank you for letting us help you find the balance you’ll need, a powerful woman, confident and magnificent, and also firmly bonded to your lover, fiancé, husband, and to your family. Always, we’ll help you have that balance.” Then he kissed her again.

James helped her up and sat her down on Xander’s lap. He kissed her deeply, running his hands all over her face. She was panting with need when he finished with her. “Sister, what can I say? You’re awesome. On TV, and in our hearts. You know what you did for us, what it means, so deep and personal. And we’ll do it for you too, and still be doing it decades after the TV thing is over and done with: loving you any way we can without hesitation. But please, enjoy the fame while it lasts, don’t be afraid! You can enjoy it, and have your balance, and your love.”

Steph leaned forward, and said, “Better not sit in my lap yet, I’m still a bit sore. So I’ll just kiss you while you’re there.” She did, deeply. “Sister, you’ve totally changed my life, and you’re deep in my heart. I’ll do anything for you. And so that you know just how much you’re loved, I want Rachel to kiss you too.” She lifted Rachel off the couch beside her, tightly wrapped up as she was, and held her mouth to one of Larissa’s nipples. Rachel immediately latched on and started sucking. Whoa, that wasn’t gentle! Not to her nipple, and not to her heart either: bang! Suddenly, she desperately wanted a baby, and now, not in a decade’s time. Was there some direct connection from her nipple to her heart? Steph pulled Rachel away, smiled at the expression on Larissa’s face and said, “As you said to me, sister, drowning in love here. Having Rachel is the biggest feeling in the world. Even if it’s terrifyingly hard sometimes. But I’m getting there, with much love from Mum and Kemala. Family, Larissa, it’s the most important thing I have. Except for my man.” She kissed Xander, and then said, “We love you, sister.”

Wow. Larissa’s mind was blown. If ever there was motivation to keep family first, Julian above all, she’d just drowned in it. She looked at Julian, and saw that he was just as amazed, and he didn’t even know what had just happened in her heart. She broke the pattern and went and cuddled into her safe space. She needed time to process that, to settle her heart. She couldn’t get her hands around Julian, but he wrapped her up, kissing her forehead and patting her back. She was overcome, and her tears flowed into Julian’s shirt.

After a few minutes, she looked up, and Julian looked at her, concerned. “Are you OK? Do you want to stop this?”

“Oh, please, no. That was just utterly amazing and overwhelming, and I just needed time to think about it, to understand it fully.” She explained to Julian about the nipple to heart thing. “I know I want to wait for like a decade before having children but suddenly my heart was saying something else. Don’t worry, it’s still right to wait, but I really know what being clucky means now. But in terms of motivation, wow!” She smiled at him, kissed him again, and stood up to go sit on Jaiden’s lap.