Chapter 3

I answered my phone using Bluetooth, “What do you want, Andi.”

“Derek, listen! You’ve got it all wrong.”

“Andi, you hang on a second. Let me tell you what I know and what I think and then you tell me what I have wrong, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. First, we were set up to meet by your sister who told you I was a good guy but let women walk all over me, correct?”

“Not exactly those words but correct.”

“Second, you’re idea of getting to know me was to see how easily I could be pushed around, correct?”

“Well, not exactly, I was testing you.”

“Right. You wanted to see if you could have me rubbing your feet before the end of the evening. My potato salad incident interrupted that.”

She didn’t respond. She knew she had no leg to stand on.

“Next, you hide the fact that you have a wonderful little son from me. I still can’t figure out how you were gonna spring him on me, but whatever.”

“I explained that to you. I’ve had...”

“Yes, yes, all men suck because we hate kids so we should be lied to. Got it.”

“Derek...”

“Hang on now. Lastly, when I surprised you today and found Jim leaving your house, you said nothing was going on between you. Is that correct?”

“Yes. I didn’t lie to you. Nothing is going on. We’re just friends with benefits. Derek, he’s not...”

“You see, Andi? That right there is why I’m not interested in going out with you.”

“What? We never talked about commitments or...”

“No, not that you slept with him. I don’t care about that. It’s that you think your sleeping with him is nothing going on. That means sex isn’t special to you. That means you’re no different than my ex-wife. Having a sexual relationship with someone means that something is going on. How you can be so casual about that, is scaring me away from you.”

“Derek, I didn’t lie to you. He doesn’t mean...”

“You see? There it is. Sex with him doesn’t mean anything. So what happens in six months when we’re committed and exclusive? I go out of town for work and old Jim needs to get his rocks off. You figure, what the hell? It’s only sex. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Derek, give me a chance. I told you how I feel about cheaters.”

“Yeah, you did. Unfortunately, your attitude about sex is the door opener to becoming one. I’m sorry, Andi. I really am. I felt a strong connection with you and wanted to see where it could go, but we’re on two different wavelengths about important things like honesty and sex.”

“I’m sorry Derek. I really like you, I can’t explain why this hurts so much. Please give me a chance.”

“I can’t. I just can’t. Goodbye.”

I ended the call and never called her back. A few years later, I ran into her, Jim, and their two kids. They were married, but I didn’t see happiness in their eyes.

So, life goes on. Ob La Di, Ob La Da, as the song goes. I buried myself with work and kept on trying to figure life out.

I had to have something wrong with me that made me either fall for the wrong kind of woman or attract them. I was a good-looking, clean-cut, rich young guy. There had to be something wrong with me, didn’t there? Why couldn’t I find the right girl?

I drifted along, getting by doing one-night-stands and all the set-ups my friends could throw at me for about a year after Andi. Then, I had a pop-in visit from a sales rep from a company that sold cleaning supplies and fell head over but in love at first sight.

She was a tall blonde who looked like she walked off of a runway. Her skirt was professional, but I could make out all the curves and had a good view of her perfect legs when she crossed them after she sat in my office.

When we made eye contact I felt my heart rate increase. I hadn’t felt like that since Andi.

“Mister...”

I cut her off immediately. “Whoa! Mister nothing. Call me Derek, please.” I have her a wide smile as I sat behind my desk.

She smiled a sexy dick-hardening smile back.

“Alright, Derek.”

She flipped her long hair over her shoulder and crossed her legs the other way allowing her skirt to ride higher. I was disgusted that she would do those little flirty things to get a sale. She was shut down in my mind before she had a chance. I was done being manipulated by women.

I let her give her spiel, which took a half-hour of my time, and gruffly said, “Well, Miss Carnes...”

She smiled and said, “Call me Erin, please.”

“Okay, Erin. As I was saying, I appreciate you stopping by and if I decide I require your products in the future I’ll let you know.”

She looked at me oddly and asked, “I’m sorry, did I upset you? I didn’t mean to...”

“No. I’m not upset. I just don’t like your tactics. Thank you for stopping in.”

“Wait!” She demanded. “My tactics?”

I sighed, “The hair flipping, the crossing and uncrossing of your legs without adjusting your skirt down, the sly smiles and eyebrow raise when you mentioned the size of the hose nozzle being large but not too large to fit.”

She looked at me as if I were an idiot. “Forget the sales pitch. When we met I thought we shared a moment. You know one of those moments? Where a boy and a girl like each other so their eyes smile at each other along with their lips.”

She was angry with me. I realized I may have overreacted.

“I was flirting with you and it was not to get a sale from you. Jesus! I’m the number three rep in our division and it has nothing to do with my looks, asshole. I bust my ass. I know more about my line of products than anyone in the company. I...”

Okay. I’m an idiot. I cut her off, “Are you free for lunch?”

“What?” She shrieked.

“Lunch. The meal you eat after breakfast but before dinner.”

“I ... uh...”

“Look, Erin. A boy met a girl and like likes her. That boy is now asking that girl to have lunch with him.”

She calmed down, well her face wasn’t red and the vein in her forehead wasn’t popping out anymore. Then she smiled again.

“Sure. I’d love to,” she said with charm.

“Someone hurt you badly, huh?” She asked after we ordered.

I laughed and said, “Just about every girl I’ve ever met, actually.”

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to carry the weight of my gender on my shoulders as I marry you and have your babies.”

I spit the water out of my mouth and stammered as I cleaned the mess.

“Don’t worry. I’ll have to earn it first, but there’s just something about you that tells me I found my soul mate.”

She laughed at my shock.

“Derek, tell me your story. Why do you distrust women so much?”

I told her every detail of my happy life being ripped off like a bad band-aid and the subsequent failed attempts at love.

By the time lunch was done, my story had been told. She took my hand and said, “Okay. I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’ll tell you straight up, I’m divorced—he cheated—and I have a five-year-old daughter.”

I was about to tell her I’m okay with that but she cut me off.

“Derek, I’m thirty-two years old. When you meet a good woman in her thirties she probably has a child or two. It’s what happens in our age bracket. I’m not a party girl looking to settle down. I did that already. My problem was I picked the wrong guy to settle down with. I should’ve listened to my mother.”

I laughed and said, “I bet she doesn’t hesitate to remind you either.”

“Nope. I work hard, I raise my daughter right, and I hope I haven’t scared you away.”

“Nah! How about we have dinner tomorrow night? Can you get a sitter?”

“Yes. My mom moved in with me after my dad died. She couldn’t afford the house anymore and I took her in. She’ll be glad to watch Taylor. She’ll probably give you the third degree though.”

“I can take it,” I smiled.

After settling up, I took her back to my office and we parted ways after she kissed my cheek. I was looking forward to dinner.

When she opened the door the next night, I was shocked. I could only assume it was Erin’s mother wearing a ratty robe, with a cigarette hanging from her mouth, curlers in her hair, and a glass of whiskey in her hand.

“So you’re the new meat? Come on in.”

I was shocked. I thought I must be at the wrong house until she said, “Erin’s still getting ready. You know women, we have to have a whore’s bath before a date. Tops and tails, you know.”

I stood with my mouth hanging open in utter disbelief. Then a little girl walked in and giggled at her grandma.

“Gramma, you’re silly.” Then she saw me and bolted out of the room.

“You might as well sit down. Don’t worry about little Taylor. You won’t be around long enough to meet her.”

I was about to defend myself when Erin came down and shrieked, “Mother! What the hell are you wearing?”

The old lady started to laugh and Erin looked at me shocked.

“Derek, please forgive me.” She turned and shouted, “Mother, it’s not funny!”

Her mom kept laughing as she tossed the cigarette at me. I caught it and it was plastic. I didn’t even notice before. Then she pulled a wig off and her blonde ponytail fell. She opened her robe and pulled down the legs of her tracksuit.”

“I’m sorry. My daughter has no sense of humor and I never introduced myself. I’m Carol. It’s nice to meet you, Derek.”

She walked up to shake my hand and instead I took her whiskey glass and chugged it. At least that was real. She laughed uproariously as Erin was getting ready to launch another attack.

“Nice to meet you,” I said hoarsely from whiskey burn.

“Let’s go, Derek, before she scares you away.”

Taylor flew around the corner and hugged Erin. I smiled and winked at her, but before I could say hello, she bolted off again.

“It takes a while for her to warm up to people. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” I said. “Well, Carol, it’s been—something.”

She laughed as we walked out the door.

“You have to forgive me, Derek. She was a comedienne before she became a mother and never quite let it go.”

“It’s okay. I was too shocked to even notice the cigarette wasn’t lit.”

“It was her Halloween costume last year. I think I’m gonna throw it away when she’s shopping.”

“Was she in anything I would know her from?”

“Yeah, probably. She was a second-tier bit player. She did some popular sitcoms in one-off roles, but mostly did stand-up comedy in clubs and things. Dad too. We didn’t have a lot growing up, but we were always laughing.”

“I bet, and you didn’t follow in the family’s footsteps?”

“God! No way. It was hard when I was a kid with dad always being on the road trying to hit it big. I never wanted to live that life. Dad’s one claim to fame was being on Carson’s Tonight Show before Johnny retired. He had a couple of good years after that, but it died down and he was back in the clubs until the end.”

“Well, you seem to have turned out okay. Good job, Nice house, cute kid, the world is your oyster.”

She laughed and said, “I’m just a duck like everyone else. Calm above the water and kicking like crazy under the surface.”

Dinner went great and as the waiter was taking our dessert order I said, “Let me get a cheesecake to go and a bottle of port.”

He said, “A slice of...”

“No, No. A whole cheesecake.”

“Uh, okay.” He walked away smiling that his bill just increased by more than half.

“What’s that for?” Erin asked.

“Your mom. She’s a good sport and I want to show her there are no hard feelings because I’m gonna be around for a while.”

She smiled and raised her glass to air toast me.

“What do you do for fun, Derek?”

“Nothing lately. I have a boat I don’t use. A pool I don’t swim in anymore. I mainly work and work out.

“A pool huh?”

I nodded.

“Fishing boat or speed boat?”

“Neither. Pontoon boat. I loved to use it to relax. There was nothing like a lazy cruise, fishing off the back, or just sitting in the middle of the lake and drinking a beer.”

“Sounds like my kind of Saturday.”

“Do you like boating? I could take you out for a cruise this weekend?”

“Yes, that sounds great.”

“Excellent. It’s on the chain o’ lakes so it’s not a long drive. How about I pick you up at seven and we make a day of it. Breakfast first, then boating. We can get lunch at a restaurant on the water or bring a picnic if you like.”

“It all sounds great to me.”

I walked her to her door and said, “I had a great time. Thank you.”

“I’m supposed to thank you.” She was my height in her heels and merely stepped forward to kiss me. It was a nice first kiss. Just a hint of a swipe of her tongue as we parted.

The porch light flickered and we laughed.

“I’m gonna kill her,” she said in mock anger.

I laughed and said, “Goodnight. I’ll see you Saturday.” I handed her the bag with the wine and dessert and kissed her cheek.

I was feeling good about my future for a change. I didn’t have a feeling of dread about her at all.

I knocked at five to seven Saturday morning and heard her daughter having a meltdown through the unopened door.

“Oh boy!” I thought as the door opened and the sound got louder.

“Sorry, Derek. She’s having some separation anxiety issues with Taylor.”

“So I hear.” I walked in and sat in the living room.

“Can I get you some coffee? This might take a while.”

“Thanks. Black please.”

I listened to the little girl scream and cry begging Erin not to leave her. It was breaking my heart and she wasn’t even my kid.

“Here you go. Thanks for the booze and dessert. They were delicious.”

“My pleasure.”

“Sorry about my little joke. I wasn’t trying to scare you away.”

I laughed and said, “Don’t worry about it. I like her and your sense of humor won’t be enough to scare me off.”

There was a louder wail from Taylor and I stood up, “Screaming toddlers are a different story. Excuse me a second.”

I walked upstairs and poked my head through the open door where the drama was playing out.

“Excuse me, can I talk to you for a moment, Erin?”

Taylor glared at me with her little arms folded across her chest and her bottom lip in full pout.

“I’m sorry, Derek. She’s okay, it’s just...”

“It’ll be quick, I promise. Come out here please.”

“Wait here, young lady,” she demanded and her daughter jumped on the bed face first.

I wanted to laugh but didn’t think it was appropriate.

She walked across the hall and led me into a bedroom. “I’m so sorry. She’s not usually like this. I...”

“Slow down,” I begged. “How about if we take her with us? Will that be okay? She’ll love the boat.”